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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think friends reply was disgusting?

184 replies

IAmASunFlower · 08/09/2018 13:56

Friend messaged me Monday morning to make plans to come over to mine.

That same day my grandad had been rushed into hospital unconscious and given just hours to live. All the family rushed to hospital to say goodbye.

He died and I got home at around 4pm drained and just feeling like shit. I messaged my friend to tell her what happened and that I couldn’t make tonight.

Her response was - ok.

That was it. No I’m sorry for your loss etc

Not trying to make it about me and everyone should rush to my side but surely a friend can say more than ok to you losing a family member

OP posts:
Serialweightwatcher · 09/09/2018 19:38

Very sorry for your loss Flowers - you are not being unreasonable, your 'friend' is - takes a second to type she is sorry to hear - as for some insensitive idiots on here, unbelievable Angry

Togaandsandals · 09/09/2018 19:48

I am sorry for your loss. Your friend was rude and insensitive.

sawbucks · 09/09/2018 20:01

I'm sorry for your loss OP 💐

A work colleague (I wouldn't necessarily class her a "friend") of mine lost her SIL and husbands grandmother in the space of a week. A week later her dad collapsed and is currently on a ventilator. She didn't tell me, I heard. Since I heard I've text her every day to see how she is and I've called her once. It takes less than 5 minutes of my time.

Your friend is non-compassionate and quite honestly, probably not a real friend.

RhythmStix · 09/09/2018 20:03

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. It's times like this when you find out who your real friends are. When my dad died a few years back some of my 'friends' couldn't even be arsed to send me a message. Sad

Hope you are getting some comfort from your true friends xx

Tomdog · 09/09/2018 20:07

Sorry to hear your news. Regards your friends message....only a small part of communication is ever done verbally. The single word "ok" said face to face, complete with body language, tone of voice etc can convey deep sympathy.....which obviously doesn't come through in a text message. Your friend might not be such an insensitive ass as many people here are suggesting.

practicallyperfectinmyway · 09/09/2018 20:10

Sorry to hear about your GF. Have you heard from said friend since the 'OK' text? How often do you see her? Might be time to reconsider your friendship.

My closest long-standing friend didn't come to my Dads funeral as she was booked to go on a pamper day (which she couldn't get out of). It really upset me that she wasn't there. It's all a long time ago now but still jars.

Take care of yourself OP

Lalala2018 · 09/09/2018 20:17

I would just text her back saying, I will be keeping to myself from now on as a lack of empathy in my friends isn't the level of friendship I want.

Lalala2018 · 09/09/2018 20:18

So sorry for your loss Flowers

tootruetoyou · 09/09/2018 20:36

I have just dumped a friend for a similar reason. Friends are meant to be supportive and kind otherwise what is the point of them? Get rid, there are lots of people in this world so no point hanging on to people who don't make you feel valued.

MulticolourMophead · 09/09/2018 21:28

OP, I hope you're getting support in RL. Thanks

Has your "friend" contacted you since that original text? Because if not, that's really insensitive, it's nearly a week since you messaged her.

Even if a person can't think of something to say, a card through the door with a simple handwritten "thinking of you" will help.

Stonybrokeagain · 09/09/2018 21:44

I'm not saying you're BU but a few years ago that was me. I had arranged to meet a friend on Saturday with the kids. Her mum got up and had trouble breathing and died before getting to the hospital. She texted me to explain starting her message "sorry can make it today...". My son had fallen over and cut his head open. I picked up my phone to text her I couldn't make it when I read her message. I didn't get passed the first sentence and replied "ok" then bundled my son into the car and headed for A&E. I did read her text and reply with how sorry I was but not until the next day.
Have you heard from her since?

🌹

covilha · 09/09/2018 21:44

I am so sorry for you loss.
I can only imagine the very mixed range of emotions you are feeling right , gut wrenching bereavement is a terrible experience.
Once some neighbours of my sadly lost their young daughter unexpectedly. Their close friends, a couple with a child around the same age, took over a week to offer their condolences and told someone this was because they simply did not know what to say or how to approach the loss. I have to admit I was shocked by this at the time but since then I have heard a few people say they do not know what to do in these circumstance or how to respond. xx

covilha · 09/09/2018 21:44

right- should read "right now."

Stonybrokeagain · 09/09/2018 21:45

"sorry can't make it today..."

di2004 · 09/09/2018 22:11

Sorry for the loss of your dear Grandad Flowers

Your friend was insensitive and she should have offered condolences to you.

sonjadog · 09/09/2018 22:55

I have a friend who has behaved in a similar fashion to major difficulties in my life - deaths, ill-health, etc. She is very self-centered and has trouble seeing anyone's needs outside her own. We are still friends, but now I know that, I have very low expectations and can treat her accordingly.

"Sorry for your loss" is standard response when someone has lost a loved one. Even if you don't know the person personally, or you think the person has heard the same things 100 times that day, you still say/ write it. "Ok" is not the response you should ever give to someone telling you someone close to them has died.

Earthakitty · 09/09/2018 22:56

People, especially " friends " never ever cease to amaze me with their lousy behaviour.
I would have been mortally wounded by that response.
It is utterly heartless and insensitive without question.
If she is or was a close friend then AVE it out with her.
If not particularly close then just dump her.
I'm sorry about your Granddad.

Teacher22 · 10/09/2018 05:59

Perhaps your friend is a little ‘on the spectrum’ and in your distraught state you leapt to judgement. Those in grief or in dire straights lash out. Give it some time and reassess the situation. Perhaps the friend will send a card.

strawberrisc · 10/09/2018 06:06

Oh how I love AIBU.

I am incredibly lucky with my circle of friends - mostly because I’ve always been LC with the twats.

Awful, awful response OP. She’s a dick, pure and simple.

GuessTheFruit · 10/09/2018 09:22

I'm sorry for your loss OP. Your friend was unkind at best. Agreed, she may have been distracted but at some point she will surely re-read your message and at that point I do hope she realises just how unkind her reply was, and makes amends. In that case, forgive and move on, but if she doesn't then just move on.

Treasure your memories of your Grandad x

Yogafanatic · 10/09/2018 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lalliella · 10/09/2018 10:31

@Yogafanatic you are posting in the wrong place.

OP your friend was horrible. Sorry for your loss Flowers

Ginburee · 10/09/2018 10:34

Your friend was horrible and I am sorry to say that people are just odd. I lost my dad this year and instead of supporting me my best friend totally ghosted me. Hugs to you. X

fatchilli123 · 10/09/2018 11:12

Some people have no idea how to behave or react. My mother died a couple of weeks ago and two of my friends have unfriended me on Facebook so ignore the silly prat and stay with the friends who offer support and proper friendship. My hugglies love to you and all your family at this sad time x

CoughLaughFart · 10/09/2018 11:40

Perhaps your friend is a little ‘on the spectrum’ and in your distraught state you leapt to judgement.

I suppose we should have seen this one coming...

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