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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think friends reply was disgusting?

184 replies

IAmASunFlower · 08/09/2018 13:56

Friend messaged me Monday morning to make plans to come over to mine.

That same day my grandad had been rushed into hospital unconscious and given just hours to live. All the family rushed to hospital to say goodbye.

He died and I got home at around 4pm drained and just feeling like shit. I messaged my friend to tell her what happened and that I couldn’t make tonight.

Her response was - ok.

That was it. No I’m sorry for your loss etc

Not trying to make it about me and everyone should rush to my side but surely a friend can say more than ok to you losing a family member

OP posts:
greendale17 · 08/09/2018 22:14

**SlartiAardvark

If you want a response maybe phone people? She could have been replying whilst doing something else or otherwise engaged**

^That really is a crap excuse. Utter crap

SandraTheBee · 08/09/2018 22:23

It takes seconds to type a message like’ i’m Really sorry. Thinking of you’.

ReanimatedSGB · 08/09/2018 22:43

Maybe the friend is dealing with a serious crisis of her own. Every now and again, dreadful things happen to two separate sets of people on the same day. OP's grandfather died, maybe OP's friend had asked for a meet up that night because something awful was going on in her life and she wanted OP's support. If the friend is eg mourning a miscarriage/struggling to cope with something like a diagnosis of terminal illness in a family member of her own/finally plucking up the courage to leave her abusive partner, she might not have the mental energy to offer OP any comfort.

It's all very well to expect everyone to drop everything and rally round you when something bad happens to you, but it isn't always possible, so if someone's never given you any previous reason to consider them self-obsessed or unkind, why immediately jump to that conclusion the first time they don't offer you unconditional support?

CoughLaughFart · 08/09/2018 23:38

For heaven’s sake, the OP didn’t want her to drop everything and run over - she just wanted a bit more than ‘ok’.

TheGateauIsInTheChateau · 08/09/2018 23:41

Flowers genuinely so sorry for your loss and what you went through.

I would be very angry at “friend” xx

SandraTheBee · 09/09/2018 07:49

ReanimatedSGB only on MN do people bring up ridiculous scenarios. like
Maybe the friend is dealing with a serious crisis of her own. Every now and again, dreadful things happen to two separate sets of people on the same day. OP's grandfather died, maybe OP's friend had asked for a meet up that night because something awful was going on in her life and she wanted OP's support. If the friend is eg mourning a miscarriage/struggling to cope with something like a diagnosis of terminal illness in a family member of her own/finally plucking up the courage to leave her abusive partner, she might not have the mental energy to offer OP any comfort.

MulticolourMophead · 09/09/2018 10:23

kmc1111

My car and watch both only display a short sentence when a message pops up. If I saw something like ‘I’m sorry I need to cancel tonight...” while I was driving or otherwise on the move I’d just reply ok. It wouldn’t occur to me to check the rest of the message isn’t about a death or similar first, because 99.9% that wouldn’t be an issue.

But surely you would send a better response later (and OP hasn't confirmed her friend has done that - she raised this thread yesterday, and it was on Monday her grandad passed, so I'm guessing not).

ReanimatedSGB · 09/09/2018 11:16

Hmm. Only on MN are people encouraged to immediately think the absolute worst of previously good friends over some slight failure to show 'respect'. If OP's got form for one minor crisis after another, a friend might simply be tired of it, even though there's a real tragedy this time.

Original poster
IAmASunFlower · 09/09/2018 12:24

It's all very well to expect everyone to drop everything and rally round you when something bad happens to you, but it isn't always possible, so if someone's never given you any previous reason to consider them self-obsessed or unkind, why immediately jump to that conclusion the first time they don't offer you unconditional support?

This response has made me so ridiculously angry!

EVERYONE? One friend isn’t everyone. So in what way am I expecting everyone to rally around me?!

I also specifically said in my OP I didn’t expect her (or anyone for that matter) to ever just drop everything for me!

All I expected from a close friend is more than an ok response when I’ve told her I lost a family member meer hours ago!!

Strangers on this thread that don’t know me have taken time out of their day to say more, because it’s just what a decent person would do.

Say IABU all you want, but don’t put words in my mouth or create a different scenior than the one in my OP to pass off as fact.

OP posts:
Original poster
IAmASunFlower · 09/09/2018 12:26

If OP's got form for one minor crisis after another, a friend might simply be tired of it, even though there's a real tragedy this time

Hmm

I’m actually a good friend thanks and have never had form for cancelling at last minute or making up a “minor crisis” to let a friend down.

OP posts:
Bluelady · 09/09/2018 12:49

Someone dying is hardly a minor crisis, ffs. There seems to be some kind of insensitivity drug doing the rounds here this weekend.

DiegoMad0nna · 09/09/2018 12:51

For heaven’s sake, the OP didn’t want her to drop everything and run over - she just wanted a bit more than ‘ok’.

Right?? Mumsnet is really obsessed with extremes.

To the PPs who said you would reply "ok" if you were driving - shame on you. Don't text and drive.

DarlingNikita · 09/09/2018 17:26

If OP's got form for one minor crisis after another, a friend might simply be tired of it, even though there's a real tragedy this time
Oh, you utter bitch.

OP, YANBU. It is disgusting to say that.I'm a freelance and have many clients who I've never met or even spoken to but only have email communication with, and I've had much more empathetic responses to similar scenarios from them than 'OK'.

She's not a friend.

And I'm sorry about your grandad.

TickyTacky · 09/09/2018 17:29

I'm so sorry for your loss.
My mum died when I was 12, there was a wait between death and funeral, and the day before the funeral I was out walking with my best friend. She seemed to have no concept of my feelings at all, and said, 'I'm so pleased your mum's funeral is on a Friday, I get an extra day off school!'
Another friend has also said that being a parent is no different without your mum there- why should it be?
People are just rubbish at times.

Annette69 · 09/09/2018 17:30

In my book that is disgusting behaviour ! Sorry for your loss. I wouldn’t have someone like that in my life.

ragged · 09/09/2018 17:31

what does 'disgusting' mean to you? Do you want to drop this friend, anyway?

Rebecca36 · 09/09/2018 17:37

She may not have read beyond you cancelling, op, and will be mortified if and when she reads the rest of your message.

Yes I am giving her the benefit of the doubt, as are others, the reason being is that you said she was a friend! Friends are generally sympathetic to their - friends - when bereaved. If she isn't, she's not a friend but you seemed quite certain she was so there must be some explanation.

I am so sorry though.

CripsSandwiches · 09/09/2018 17:43

If OP's got form for one minor crisis after another, a friend might simply be tired of it, even though there's a real tragedy this time

To be fair unless OP has form for making up outrageous lies I'd still want to send her a nice message if her grandfather had just died.

Honestly if this person has always been kind in the past I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she was either having an awful day herself or she just had no idea what to say so didn't say anything at all. (I know I'm the kind of person who would write out a billion different replies then delete them). It is a bit odd that she couldn't even say "I'm so sorry, I'l be thinking of you" or "let me know if there's anything I can do".

If she has form for being self absorbed and was just more concerned with missing a night out than how you were doing then yes this would be the final straw for me.

Piwi1625 · 09/09/2018 17:47

Wow no empathy, I can't understand people like that and that's suppose to be a friend.

Sorry for your loss x

mlrmummy1 · 09/09/2018 17:48

Who needs friends like that. Sounds really unsupportive.

Confusedbeetle · 09/09/2018 17:49

No sorry, not disgusting, just not particularly thoughtful. However this is one of the problems with text messages and everyone uses them differently. I realise you would have found it difficult to have phoned her, but had you done so I can guarantee you would have got more than OK. What you also should see is that in the present time there are a shed load of platitudes that wing out with very little real meaning, They are "the things to say" You don't know what she thought at the time and quite likely there was an awkwardness that she didn't know what to do with. Better nothing than a pat phrase. You are grieving and sensitive, let it lie

Icanttakemuchmore · 09/09/2018 17:51

Not the sort of friend you need! Has she contacted you since?

exaltedwombat · 09/09/2018 17:57

No, it wasn't disgusting. That isn't what 'disgusting' means.

It was a quick confirmation of your message. Maybe done in haste, to at least let you know she wasn't still waiting for you!

Doubtless the condolences will follow.

Sorry for your loss.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 09/09/2018 18:01

Is your friend usually like this?

I would decide my whole response to the reply based on the one question above. If she's usually pretty uncaring and not supportive, then you've got your answer. If however, she's usually lovely and thoughtful, then you can be sure she's mis-read your text (or only seen the first few words as a headline), or she's in the middle of her own emergency, or some other reason.

BabyItsAWildWorld · 09/09/2018 18:02

It's ceratinly very odd and not fitting with the social expectatio that some words of condolence would be offered.

But it's not 'disgusting'.

Does this friend have form for getting social conventions/expectations wrong?

I'd try not to dwell on it you have better things to think about I'm sure, and I'd wait to see how this plays out.

They might contact you soon with some condolence offering, words or a card, or may totally ignore it.

You'll then have your answer in time

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