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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think friends reply was disgusting?

184 replies

IAmASunFlower · 08/09/2018 13:56

Friend messaged me Monday morning to make plans to come over to mine.

That same day my grandad had been rushed into hospital unconscious and given just hours to live. All the family rushed to hospital to say goodbye.

He died and I got home at around 4pm drained and just feeling like shit. I messaged my friend to tell her what happened and that I couldn’t make tonight.

Her response was - ok.

That was it. No I’m sorry for your loss etc

Not trying to make it about me and everyone should rush to my side but surely a friend can say more than ok to you losing a family member

OP posts:

Crinkle77 · 08/09/2018 14:29

slarti reallt? Surely any decent friend could find a moment to reply more than 'ok'. And why should the op phone her friend to tell them? Perhaps she was too upset to speak in person.

mumof2andsurviving · 08/09/2018 14:30

I'm so sorry for your loss. People can act really strangely when someone dies. Sometimes don't like to mention it in case it upsets you; but what they don't realise is the that you WILL be upset whatever they say. And actually talking about what has happened and the person that you have lost is really what you need. When my dad died people (neighbours) crossed the road to avoid my mum (as if bereavement is catching). And basically never spoke to her again. If people didn't mention it, I would say "did you know my dad died?'. I can't stand it when people skirt around things.

Nuggetsandwich · 08/09/2018 14:31

OP - that was very insensitive of your friend. It's not hard to say something kind to a recently bereaved friend.

Shatners- I personally wouldn't be too upset by that. Your friend was undoubtedly clumsy but she was clearly thinking of you and your Granddad.

InezGraves · 08/09/2018 14:32

If you can type ok, you can type "so sorry to hear that, sending you lots of love and speak soon"

Indeed. I get that English people (apologies, assuming your friend is English) are culturally unusually poor at dealing with death and offering condolences, but it's not hard to put the right words in the right order in a text message, even if you would be absolutely tongue-tied on the telephone.

donquixotedelamancha · 08/09/2018 14:32

I would assume they didn't read the message properly, unless they are usually incredibly tactless/selfish.

widgetbeana · 08/09/2018 14:34

My only one tiny thought was that she used a standard reply.

On my applewatch there are a few standard responses available and if I'm in a rush I choose the best fit answer.

But other than that it is totally inexcusable.

PussInSandals · 08/09/2018 14:36

If you want a response maybe phone people? She could have been replying whilst doing something else or otherwise engaged

You do realise that not everyone phones their friends these days? Most people of my generation (mid-thirties) keep in contact via messages. The friend's "ok" reply means that she received and understood the message - how would a phone call make any difference? In fact, when I'm feeling awful the last thing I want to do is speak on the phone.

OP, the people excusing her behaviour are probably the type of people who would reply in the same way if a friend's loved one had passed away.

I was not raised family-oriented at all and wasn't very affected when my GPs died but I would never be so cold to a friend about a death! YANBU!

StrangeLookingParasite · 08/09/2018 14:37

I think many people, especially those who haven't lost relatives, don't really know what to say in the face of deaths in the family.
I'm sorry for your loss.

PieAndPumpkins · 08/09/2018 14:38

How anyone can defend this 'friend' is the very reason the world is in such a mess. There is no defense to this. Whether texting is your preferred method of communicating, or if you individually care about grandparents (FFS, REALLY?!) is wholly irrelevant, you nasty, vile, snake! Genuinely shocked anyone can think like this.

PieAndPumpkins · 08/09/2018 14:38

MrsMozart · 08/09/2018 14:41

I've learnt that friends can be amazing and they can be shit.

I'm sorry for your loss lass

Original poster

IAmASunFlower · 08/09/2018 14:48

Thank you all for your kind words.

For anyone judging me for sending this by text, I got upset each time I spoke as it was only two hours since it happened. So if I called obviously I’d have to speak about it and I just didn’t want to.

But I didn’t want to be rude and not let her know about the evening plans had changed.

OP posts:

WhyIsntGeorgeCalledPeterOrPaul · 08/09/2018 14:52

If you want a response maybe phone people? She could have been replying whilst doing something else or otherwise engaged,

Come off it. There's nothing you can be doing that makes you reply "ok" to someone saying "I need to cancel our plans because my grandfather just suddenly died". If you were that busy you would at least just not reply until you were free to type a decent message.

Marie0 · 08/09/2018 14:52

Is it possible she just didn't read it properly? that is a bit shit though!

Sorry about your Grandad

easyandy101 · 08/09/2018 14:53

Not judging your texting at all just commenting that some people don't feel good communicating anything serious by text

It's not a dig at those that do

yesornoworld · 08/09/2018 15:03

Sorry to hear this OP, I think it was pretty decent of you to even msg the friend and explain you have to cancel. A casual meet up with a friend would be the furthest on anyones mind in a situation like this. Obviously this friend is not even grateful that you hadn't just left them in the lurch, or even saved them the hassle of having to chase you up. Sad, but situations like this make you want to evaluate people in our lives.

Nikephorus · 08/09/2018 15:05

‘In the middle of something’ doesn’t cut it.
Takes what 30 seconds to type a condolence message? She was clearly pissed off her friend cancelled.
Extremely late for something & literally rushing out the door? In the car, in traffic & the second she's read it the traffic moves again? In the doctor's and just called in? That's 3 reasons straight off the top of my head. If she has kids then it's even more likely. You have no reason to believe she was pissed off. And if she'd not bothered to reply because she didn't have time to write a full reply then everyone one have said 'couldn't she at least have acknowledged it?!' If OP mentions it the next time they speak & friend doesn't say something appropriate then yes it's off, but unless you have a crystal ball and know exactly what is going on in someone else's life then how about giving them the benefit of the doubt until you can check your facts? It would be a bit stupid OP dumping the friend and then discovering that friend had just had really bad news ten seconds before receiving the text and was barely capable of saying 'ok'...

YeTalkShiteHen · 08/09/2018 15:05

OP I’m sorry for your loss and Shatners too.

People can be really fucking awful sometimes and sadly it’s often when we’re at our lowest ebb that we find out who the arseholes really are.

TornFromTheInside · 08/09/2018 15:08

Sometimes, someone doesn't know what to say. They just don't.
And it can sound too predictable to say 'sorry for you loss' etc.

I know I can be like this sometimes - I got fed up of people saying 'so sorry etc'. It wore thin and meant so little (to me). So 'ok' in some ways would have been precisely what I needed from a friend.

It's a hard concept to explain, especially in text as you can't see a face or expression, but sometimes, 'ok' is all that can be said. It's unusual I know, and most will see it as insensitive, but it doesn't have to be the case.

Ragaroo · 08/09/2018 15:09

She is not a friend.

delphguelph · 08/09/2018 15:11

Why the frig would you judge the op for sending the text? Madness.

op.

yumyumpoppycat · 08/09/2018 15:20

I am sorry for your loss and can see why you are upset with your friend's response, but there seems to be some real overreactions on replys to the OP on here.

The OK, might have been a mistake and she might not feel it is not appropriate to now say I accidentally pressed send too quickly, or I hadn't read your text correctly etc. Alternatively she might have experienced a loss recently and felt like' sorry for your loss' was not helpful or just not known what to say. Maybe she didn't want to take up time during your grief and was just saying ok and gently stepping away?

MulticolourMophead · 08/09/2018 15:21

Nikephorus

Sorry, I don't buy any of that. Yes, the friend could have read the message at a time when she was in a rush, but she could have waited to reply at a point when she had a couple of minutes to type something better.

OP, I am sorry for your loss.

Original poster

IAmASunFlower · 08/09/2018 15:26

*know I can be like this sometimes - I got fed up of people saying 'so sorry etc'. It wore thin and meant so little (to me). So 'ok' in some ways would have been precisely what I needed from a friend”

She was the first person I told, so you’re talking about a prolonged period of hearing “I’m sorry” then it’s really not the same

OP posts:

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 08/09/2018 15:26

What did you text her? Could it have been misconstrued?

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