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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think friends reply was disgusting?

184 replies

IAmASunFlower · 08/09/2018 13:56

Friend messaged me Monday morning to make plans to come over to mine.

That same day my grandad had been rushed into hospital unconscious and given just hours to live. All the family rushed to hospital to say goodbye.

He died and I got home at around 4pm drained and just feeling like shit. I messaged my friend to tell her what happened and that I couldn’t make tonight.

Her response was - ok.

That was it. No I’m sorry for your loss etc

Not trying to make it about me and everyone should rush to my side but surely a friend can say more than ok to you losing a family member

OP posts:
Laiste · 08/09/2018 17:43

I have to say that my experiences when my dad died taught me an important thing:

  • that it doesn't matter what you say to someone who has experienced a loss, they wont remember what you said or if it was clumsy or if you looked embarrassed or anything ... what matters is that you made the effort to say something. It means a lot and it's remembered.
PattiStanger · 08/09/2018 18:13

It's not disgusting, no, but without knowing the friend who can say why she replied like that.

If she's otherwise a good friend I'd give her the benefit of the doubt, obviously you are grieving, see what she says the next time you see her.

Panda81 · 08/09/2018 18:50

This was Monday? And it's now Saturday... have you not heard anything from her since??

youarenotkiddingme · 08/09/2018 19:45

Thanks sorry to hear about your grandad.

I think texting is hard. I'd want to be available to chat in that circumstance but if I was busy (and 4pm I would be) I'd reply something short and I wouldn't think a few short words would be enough and be 'afraid' of opening a conversation with someone who really needed me I couldn't commit to having.

However - I'd have text later on to apologise I was busy and couldn't chat and check in with you

ifoundthebread · 08/09/2018 19:46

I never know what to say in those situations especially via text message. I imagine she wanted to let you know she understood the cancellation of plans but didn't know what else to say.

CoughLaughFart · 08/09/2018 20:04

Extremely late for something & literally rushing out the door? In the car, in traffic & the second she's read it the traffic moves again? In the doctor's and just called in? That's 3 reasons straight off the top of my head.

Then you wait a few minutes. It takes seconds to type ‘I’m so sorry; I’ll call you soon’. It’s ridiculous to suggest this was anything other than massively insensitive.

As for the responses saying ‘A text is the wrong way to convey bad news’, it WASN’T bad news for the recipient - it was bad news for the OP. It was up to her to communicate in whatever way she felt comfortable.

FlamingGoat · 08/09/2018 20:07

Laiste
that it doesn't matter what you say to someone who has experienced a loss, they wont remember what you said or if it was clumsy or if you looked embarrassed or anything ... what matters is that you made the effort to say something. It means a lot and it's remembered

Your words are so true.

OoohAyyye · 08/09/2018 20:21

That is awful OP and I'm sorry for your loss Flowers

Have you heard from her since?

9amtrain · 08/09/2018 20:27

I'd definitely say cunt is an appropriate thing to call her given the circumstances. What a nasty, heartless bitch.

HurricainBiancaDelRio · 08/09/2018 20:30

so sorry for your loss.Flowers

Originalsaltedpeanuts · 08/09/2018 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yellowspottedwellies · 08/09/2018 20:40

Do you have a history of cancelling plans? Could this be a result of a few let downs that has made her a bit complacent to it?

I only ask this as I was in a situation where I was a serial - plan - canceller when my anxiety was high and I had "form" for it. My friends grew wise to it so replies etc became increasingly non-emotional.

I'm not condoning her reply - of course it was too blunt. But I just wonder if there is a back story we don't know about.

ReanimatedSGB · 08/09/2018 20:55

It depends quite a lot on what the back story is, what the relationship is, and what the planned event was.
If it was just going to be a pleasant night out, and the friendship is a close one, then just typing 'OK' is a bit unsatisfactory. If the friend is more of a casual acquaintance, perhaps she didn't want to intrude and just wanted to convey that she would back off and give the OP space to be with her family.
But if the OP has form for drama llama behaviour and frequent cancellations, particularly if the friend had asked to meet up because the friend was having a crisis of her own, then her reaction might have been down to a feeling of 'Oh, another let-down' and not reading the message properly.

OP, sorry for your loss. I would advise putting this friend out of your mind for the moment and focus on your family. It's not uncommon for people to experience irrational or misdirected anger when they've just been bereaved, but it's generally not helpful to anyone to act on that anger.

SummerIsEasy · 08/09/2018 20:57

I recall when my friend’s Dad died, meeting her and her Mum out shopping. It was a couple of weeks after the funeral. We stopped to say hello and I felt it should be acknowledged so said to her Mum “ I am really sorry to hear about your loss”. The lady started to cry and rushed off with my friend in hot pursuit.

It can be hard to get it right. Yet many people would be annoyed if no condolences were offered. When texting it can be impossible to know where the other person is at the time.

Sorry to hear about your GD OP.

Bluelady · 08/09/2018 20:59

I'm astonished how many excuses are being made for her. She's a piss poor friend. So sorry, OP. 💐

CSIblonde · 08/09/2018 21:02

Is she usually so socially awkward. That's really not a great response from a close friend. So sorry for you loss OP.

SandraTheBee · 08/09/2018 21:03

I have a 'friend' who pulls this sort of shit, she did so very recently. i don't actually want to see her again.

QuirkyKate · 08/09/2018 21:11

I came on to say what yellow said, only because her reply is something admittedly I would want to say to one specific person in my life (but probably never would because I’m not that bad)

I am so sorry about your Grandad, OP. Mine was my best friend, one look in my eye and he knew my thoughts.

lucy101101 · 08/09/2018 21:17

Having lost a baby, I found that people of my age and younger often behaved pretty badly around my news/grief. One friend behaved so appallingly (asking for intrusive details then defending asking and worse) that I was pushed to the edge of breakdown.

I didn't so much as learn who my friends were but more that a number of people I was very close to were actually more damaged/selfish/narcissistic etc. than I had realised. In the ensuing decade most of those friendships have not lasted... and I understand why.

However, I did have some amazing, empathetic letters etc. from older people who sadly had more experience of grief.

I am so sorry for your loss and hope you have other, better friends to support you.

deepsea · 08/09/2018 21:35

A definite deal breaker

kmc1111 · 08/09/2018 21:56

My car and watch both only display a short sentence when a message pops up. If I saw something like ‘I’m sorry I need to cancel tonight...” while I was driving or otherwise on the move I’d just reply ok. It wouldn’t occur to me to check the rest of the message isn’t about a death or similar first, because 99.9% that wouldn’t be an issue.

Haireverywhere · 08/09/2018 22:00

I'm sorry for your loss OP.

How upsetting. I hope you have some better friends than this. I'd demote this person to someone I'd see and chat to in a group meet up but wouldn't make an effort to see again.

This might not have anything to do with your friend's reply but when my dear friend's parents were killed in an accident I learnt second hand just how differently people cope or don't with death. So many people just disappeared from her life because they didn't know what to say (some were mutual friends and told me this was the reason). The lack of emotional intelligence was shocking to me as 'so sorry to hear that' etc can't be that hard.

Haireverywhere · 08/09/2018 22:03

If she is a good friend and genuinely didn't see the rest of the message at the time you'll soon know, as she'll text/phone you as soon as she finds out about your Grandad.

lollythelurker · 08/09/2018 22:03

How odd that people are justifying your friends behaviour!

So sorry op Thanks

Panda81 · 08/09/2018 22:10

I don't get the 'must have replied in a rush' responses.

This was almost a week ago, and OP needs to confirm but sounds like she's not heard anything since? Surely even if in a rush you would follow up later on with a proper message.