Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think friends reply was disgusting?

184 replies

IAmASunFlower · 08/09/2018 13:56

Friend messaged me Monday morning to make plans to come over to mine.

That same day my grandad had been rushed into hospital unconscious and given just hours to live. All the family rushed to hospital to say goodbye.

He died and I got home at around 4pm drained and just feeling like shit. I messaged my friend to tell her what happened and that I couldn’t make tonight.

Her response was - ok.

That was it. No I’m sorry for your loss etc

Not trying to make it about me and everyone should rush to my side but surely a friend can say more than ok to you losing a family member

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 09/09/2018 18:03

Have no idea why some posters are defending this ‘ok’ or trying to contextualise the OP as being demanding or expecting too much.

It’s pretty basic courtesy if nothing else. You say “so sorry for your loss” to a stranger in this situation FFS.

Jux · 09/09/2018 18:05

Sorry for your loss. It's a shock when someone you love dies, even when it's been expected for long time.

I hope that what happened was something like your friend was up a ladder painting her living room ceiling when the phone buzzed. She finished the bit she was in the middle of, climbed down the ladder, checked her phone and saw the time, realised she only had 10 minutes to clear up before she had to collect a child from somewhere, then read your message and was trying to for ulate a good response when the front door went as well. Not wating to leave you in Limbo, she texted 'OK' in response to the cancellation part of your text, leaving her true response, the one vis a vis the sad news of your grandad's death, until kater when she's no longer in the middle of all those juggled balls.

Lozz22 · 09/09/2018 18:05

Surely even during a rushed response you can manage to type the words I’m so sorry!! I’m not very good with verbal responses at stuff like this but texting I find slightly easier. And I find it really uncomfortable when someone cries in front of me. It nearly broke me when I phoned my Best Friend up after his wife had had a massive brain haemorrhage and he started sobbing uncontrollably down the phone that night. The next morning I was on my way driving the 98 miles between us. Hotel booked for a few days to go and be with him. Even with everyone else who lived near by I was still the first person to knock on his front door to make sure he was ok and to go and get shopping and stuff whilst he went through to the hospital every day

Jux · 09/09/2018 18:06

Sorry for bad typing, most I think can be deciphered, but 'for ulate' is 'formulate'.

MissesBloom · 09/09/2018 18:07

This is horrible from your friend. How much does it take to tap out a few extra words on your phone... To show a friend you're thinking of them and actually care. I'd never forget something like this. So sorry for your loss op Flowers

LagunaBubbles · 09/09/2018 18:08

Even the words sorry would have been better than OK.

CheesyWeez · 09/09/2018 18:17

I sometimes do this with my mum's texts. The first sentence comes up on my lock screen such as 'I can't come tonight' and I reply to that but if I click on the text that's when I see the whole message where she explains at length why not... could it be that OP? So I agree with the PP who said to ask her if she'd actually read what you said.
If not then yes, she's insensitive.
I am sorry about your grandad.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 09/09/2018 18:18

Yes, some people are hopeless at dealing with bereavement and it does change your perception of them - similar things happen when my Mum died (even from family members), but I also received support from unlikely people as well.

Just be aware of her shortcomings going forward and know that you probably can't rely on her in serious situations. It stinks, but that's the reality.

OP, I'm really sorry for your loss Flowers

GabsAlot · 09/09/2018 18:19

even if she was ni the middle of something why not text again andput sorry to hear that speak soon

CoughLaughFart · 09/09/2018 18:20

I can’t believe how many people are too lazy to read a text message. It’s hardly War and bloody Peace.

huggybear · 09/09/2018 18:24

So sorry for your loss.

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she didn't read it properly. The only way of finding out is responding to her text though.

busyhonestchildcarer · 09/09/2018 18:28

It's strange that people dont seem to know what to say when it comes to talking about death.I am fortunate in not having anyone close to me die but I dont avoid offering my support or just a message to let them know that im thinking if them and there if they need anything and I follow this up so they know these ate not just words.Some people just feel awkward and so say nothing.sad.hope Keep hold of all your happy memoriesxxx

Cheekychunkyredmonkey · 09/09/2018 18:29

Op I lost my dad 3 months ago and my grandad 2 months ago. The anger you feel is perfectly normal I aimed mine at a friend who stuck by me and helped me. You will find who your true friends are now. It will get easier to talk about and make sure you do.
Lots of love and hugs sent your way xx

lcl · 09/09/2018 18:30

It really bugs me how so many posters on here on so many threads try to defend totally indefensible actions. This friend is crap. So sorry for you loss. This friend is a toxic , self serving individual who clearly felt more put out for herself at not meeting up with you.

MrsPeel · 09/09/2018 18:36

That is so socially inappropriate to put it mildly! Months after my mother passed mere acquaintances were saying "Sorry for your loss" - although if she had never known her grandparents or not been close perhaps she didnt realise how big an impact it would have

JuJu2017 · 09/09/2018 18:48

Of course you are not being unreasonable. You wouldn’t just say ok to an enemy, let alone a friend. So sorry for loss. Your friend sounds extremely selfish; maybe you’re well rid?

Sallystyle · 09/09/2018 18:55

There was no excuse for her reply, OP.

I don't care how crap you are at responding to grief or how busy you are. Everyone is capable of sending something like 'I am sorry' or a simple 'please let me know if I can do anything'. Anything is better than OK and I can't believe people are excusing it. It is not excusable.

I am sorry OP Thanks

Darkbendis · 09/09/2018 18:58

I am very sorry for your loss, OP!
The only excuse your friend could have is that she didn't see the message properly, maybe she read only the first part, that you can't meet her, without reading all of it. Otherwise, her reply were at least insensitive, if not completely rude. You'd offer condolences even to someone you barely know if you hear they lost a family member, of course just texting "OK" in such circumstances is not OK!

Dillydallyer · 09/09/2018 19:01

So sorry for your loss, OP. I hope you do have people around you who are sympathetic. I also hope that one of the very unlikely suggestions made by PP is true and your friend didn’t read the message right. Have you heard from her since?

BabySharkDoododoo · 09/09/2018 19:05

Yeah insensitive but not 'disgusting'. I can't believe a close friend would just reply with ok to something like this actually.

BabySharkDoododoo · 09/09/2018 19:07

Though tbf, when people tell me someone has died I tend to get a bit tongue tied and not know how to respond. as I have had so very different reactions. Like one friend went absolutely batshit at me for saying 'sorry for your loss' Hmm Another broke down crying for like an hour with the same response!

Smudge100 · 09/09/2018 19:07

My mother was in the process of dying just as i was due to go to germany for two months for work. You never really know how long these things are going to go on for and it was all the more stressful because i was due to go abroad. In the end she went quickly. When i told a friend she’d passed, her only comment was, ‚ oh, well, at least you won’t have to come back from germany for the funeral.‘ i was flabbergasted. Ok, my mother was 89, so not young as but she was still my mother! I‘m afraid our ‚friendship‘ never quite recovered and i‘m not in contact with her now. I should perhaps add that i had taken time off from work to accompany her and give her moral support she had to give evidence as a prisecution witness in a criminal trial and was very nervous about it. Some people are just very wrapped up in themselves.

Hector2000 · 09/09/2018 19:21

When my mother died 6 years ago my friend emailed to meet up and so I emailed back saying what had happened. No response. A fortnight later I bumped into her partner in the street and asked him if she’d got my email and that my mother had died. I though maybe she’d never received it hence no response. But he said “oh yeah, she told me about that”. I made excuses to avoid meeting her after that. I don’t think she ever really understood why - she just said to mutual friends I must have taken offence over something but she couldn’t think what. I could've explained, but frankly couldn’t be bothered. You really do see people in their true light in those situations, I fear. Regard it as luckyvyou “dodged a bullet” and can quietly fizzle out of the friendship.

ADropofReality · 09/09/2018 19:28

Strangers on this thread that don’t know me have taken time out of their day to say more, because it’s just what a decent person would do.

Strangers on this thread have taken time to say more, because it earns them brownie points on the internet. “Look at me! What a good person I am! I extend compassion to people I don’t know about the deaths of other people I don’t know! What scum anyone else is! Especially the OP's friend - let's all have Two Minutes' Hate against her!”

If the OP's friend did not know the OP's grandfather, it might seem insincere to send a text (not a call, not a letter; a text) saying "I'm so sorry" etc. If one of my relatives died and one of my friends, who did not know that relative, offered simpering condolences by text message I'd know it was insincere and resent it. Maybe OP's friend is waiting to see OP face-to-face to express condolences.

Examples have already been given above of strangers saying "Sorry for your loss" and it resulting in those who had the loss breaking down. Some people want to avoid triggering that.

But no, let's all call her a "c*" who must be ostracised straight away.

Nikephorus · 09/09/2018 19:33

Why not just ring her and mention it? Then you'd actually know if she was being thoughtless or not. Better for you than ranting online to strangers.