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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS new girlfriend

173 replies

discobiscuit6 · 08/09/2018 11:42

Ds17 told us a few weeks ago that he has been seeing someone, dh has been teasing him asking to meet her etc but ds kept making excuses which I found strange as he has always introduced us to past girlfriends

Last night ds dropped the bombshell that his girlfriend was 4 months pregnant when he met her but she didn't know and now he is going to stay with her and help her raise the baby

AIBU to think that this is fucking absurd and at 17 the furthest thing from his mind should be baby's especially when its not his

I have tried to explain to ds how hard parenting is and at 17 relationships often don't last, I said to him that the kindest thing he can do is not get involved but he is not interested in anything I have to say

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 08/09/2018 11:45

What a lovely young man you have raised. It’s not ideal but I would be so proud of him for not just dumping her when the going gets tough.

Would you tell him it was “fucking absurd” and to not be involved if he was the one to have gotten her pregnant?

Their relationship may last, it may not but ultimately it’s none of your business.

Thankewe · 08/09/2018 11:46

That must be so hard but it’s actually quite a while until she gives birth if she’s only 4 months along now and they’ve only been together with her a few weeks? Unless I read that wrong and he didn’t tell you for a while.

The relationship may not last the course of the pregnancy, nevermind a significant amount into the child’s life. Is he still in education or earning a wage? How does he plan to support the child when the baby is with mum? Is the biological father aware and willing to be involved and how does he feel towards your DS?

I wouldn’t force the issue as it may make him more stubborn but tell him all financial aid must come from him. He’ll probably find it too hard after a while! Or he may be an amazing dad (albeit not biological) to the baby and it may be the making of him.

Bluntness100 · 08/09/2018 11:47

Are you sure it's not his baby? And he just doesn't want to tell you?

Thankewe · 08/09/2018 11:48

And I agree with PP. He sounds lovely and mature, but maybe a little naive Grin

HoleyCoMoley · 08/09/2018 11:48

What do her parents think about it or the babies dad, I admire your ds but does he have the means and money to support a partner and a baby.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 08/09/2018 11:49

It bloody is absurd OP however well meaning he might think he's being. I would be so worried in your shoes OP. Even if he was 10 years older this would be massive but at 17 this is really bad.

Where's the father of the baby in all of this?

Creeper8 · 08/09/2018 11:52

I personally wouldnt be happy if this was s my son. So I can understand op.

However im also wondering if its his and hes scared to say?

JumblieGirl · 08/09/2018 11:53

At 17, I’d regard it as my business, especially as it will probably impact on his education or job.
If he’s having sex, or very besotted, talking to him won’t make much of an impression. I’d be supportive, but play a long game about how involved he’s going to be and how it will all pan out.
How old is the woman he’s involved with, and if he’s not the father, is the ex around?

ThunderInMyHeart · 08/09/2018 11:54

To a PP...err, of course it bloody makes a difference if he were the father Hmm

loubluee · 08/09/2018 11:54

Wow. That’s a difficult situation. I have to say I am with you on this. I was a teen mum so know exactly how hard it was on me and his dad, as we were the same age. I also know a few men who met their gf’s whilst they were pregnant or had not long given birth, and due to the dads wanting nothing to do with it, have become dad and even adopted the children in two cases.

However, these were grown adults. With their own homes, life experience, financial stability and so on.

As much as I believe he thinks he is doing the right thing, he doesn’t know if the relationship is even going to last. So talking about bringing up the baby is very premature. What would happen, if they split 2 years down the line, after he’s been dad for over a year? Will he just walk away? Will he want to keep seeing the child? Will he even go on the birth certificate? Then what if he did and split. Imagine telling someone in a new relationship ‘I have a son, but he’s not biologically mine, he’s my ex girlfriends child’, that would sent a huge amount of women running.

I feel for you, what a difficult situation.

icannotthinkofauser · 08/09/2018 11:55

Sounds like you've raised a lovely, mature, kind son

mimibunz · 08/09/2018 11:56

I wouldn’t be happy about this. It’s not just him getting involved, it’s going to have a strong impact on you and your DH. He sounds lovely but very impractical.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 08/09/2018 11:57

Instead of telling him to walk away. I think you should be singing his praises and indeed your own.
It seems you have raised a true diamond.
Even if it was the right thing to tell him not to get involved. He wouldn't listen or take heed anyway. Well would you have listenedto your parents when you were 17.

JumblieGirl · 08/09/2018 11:59

Mature?Confused
What’s in the OP that makes you think the boy is anything other than an idealistic white knight with no experience and a lot of romantic notions?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 08/09/2018 11:59

Singing his praises? He's not standing the GF because she's having someone else's baby fgs he's standing by her because he thinks he's in love with her. This is doomed.

MrsJayy · 08/09/2018 12:00

You need to not panic and shout him down about it might throw him into moving in with her say that is very nice of you son how exactly are you going to manage that ? also are you positive it isn't his

PolkerrisBeach · 08/09/2018 12:05

He sounds lovely and mature, but maybe a little naive

He might be lovely but I'd say he was a total mug. If it were my son I'd be telling him to run for the hills.

Jeippinghmip · 08/09/2018 12:10

It’s a difficult one! When I was 17, I didn’t want any advice from my parents after all teenagers know everything!

I would use reverse psychology on him and say what a great idea it is.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 08/09/2018 12:12

Are you sure it's not his?

deepsea · 08/09/2018 12:16

I would want to know for sure it wasn't his, and then I would be absolutely advising him to go and live his life and let her raise the baby. They can remain friends and he can be supportive from a distance.

He is 17! Maybe if he was 27 or 37 I would have a very different view but given he isn't even an adult yet I would not be encouraging this on any level - he is still a child.

upsideup · 08/09/2018 12:16

I became a step mum to a 4 year old when I was 17, I have no regrets about getting involved with a child who wasnt mine as I love her and am so glad she is part of my life but it was the stupidest and hardest thing I've ever done and so many times it almost didnt work out. If dsd or any of my other kids started saying they are going to do the same I wouldnt be singing their praises or mine, I would be doing my best to make sure they didnt get involved. I would be worried about how its going to negatively impact the rest of his life, education, job, finances, chance of having children of his own. I would also be worried that he's going to love a child as his own that can just be taken away from him whenever the childs mother decides.

deepsea · 08/09/2018 12:17

I am not sure I buy into the idea she didn't know either, she was probably biding her time.

abigailsnan · 08/09/2018 12:17

I really understand your feelings OP but ask you to play it down for the time being if you rush in with objections he will run the other way to defend her,he is looking at the future with rose tinted glasses and that will soon change believe me.
Have you thought about yours & your OHs feeling if they go ahead with the relationship would you bond with the child knowing it was not your son's child,I know every child brings its own love but all these things need to be talked about.

Godowneasy · 08/09/2018 12:18

I assume he's still living at home? You haven't said he's about to move in with her and take on financial responsibility for her or the baby?
I can understand that this is far from an ideal situation as far as you are concerned, but at this stage it's far too early for you to be panicing about anything.
He sounds a lovely lad, but the relationship will likely run its course when the baby arrives and he sees the true impact of having a baby around. It'll be a very steep learning curve and may be a very valuable lesson for him in the future.
If he does stay with her, then you have little alternative but to learn to live with it, as I doubt there's anything you could say to make him change his mind.

VladmirsPoutine · 08/09/2018 12:19

He's looking at it from a very idealised perspective. When baby gets here he will be stark to the realities of it all and to be honest at 17 he still has a lot of growing up to do. This might shock him back to life. Yanbu OP - if it's not his I too would want him to run for the hills.

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