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AIBU?

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Original poster

DS new girlfriend

173 replies

discobiscuit6 · 08/09/2018 11:42

Ds17 told us a few weeks ago that he has been seeing someone, dh has been teasing him asking to meet her etc but ds kept making excuses which I found strange as he has always introduced us to past girlfriends

Last night ds dropped the bombshell that his girlfriend was 4 months pregnant when he met her but she didn't know and now he is going to stay with her and help her raise the baby

AIBU to think that this is fucking absurd and at 17 the furthest thing from his mind should be baby's especially when its not his

I have tried to explain to ds how hard parenting is and at 17 relationships often don't last, I said to him that the kindest thing he can do is not get involved but he is not interested in anything I have to say

OP posts:
Maybugger · 09/09/2018 18:41

Apart from being very concerned about how this will pan out, I would be very suspicious that it's his child. The girl needs to tell her parents obviously and he needs to face up to what fatherhood entails if he intends to support her regardless of who the father is.
It's all very messy, isn't it? I would be pretty upset either way.

Starlight345 · 09/09/2018 18:44

I was going to say similar to @blueskies .

Don’t discourage him from been with her but do encourage him to stay in education.

That gives him a good chance whether they stay together or not.

Ethylred · 09/09/2018 18:45

This will change his life profoundly and negatively.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 09/09/2018 18:50

If this was my son I’d be most concerned with not driving a wedge between me and him. Because I know from experience that disapproving parents will almost always push a young couple together. I would try to get to know this girl and be a friend to her (just as I would if it was a young pregnant friend of dd). I would do all I could though to encourage him (both of them actually) to stay in education, as I didn’t as a teen mum, and it has made my life much harder.
I probably wouldn’t expect the relationship to last, but I’d want him to be able to come to me if / when it did fall apart.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 09/09/2018 18:51

How, exactly, do you propose the OP tells the girl’s parents? She’s never met the girl or her parents.

Even if they had their contact details, it’s NOT their place to tell her parents. You have NO idea what her parents are like, you could be putting her in danger or making her homeless. She is legally able to consent to sex.

She may already be seeing a midwife or GP. She may well have had a scan or 2. It’s fine to encourage DS to check and encourage her to do those things if she hasn’t already, but it’s most emphatically not ok to try to contact her parents.

BornToShark · 09/09/2018 18:56

OP : I don't know the parents

Half of the responses - tell the parents.

Jeez.

Number one priority has to be to get her medical care now.

I know a similar story to this, turns out the woman wasn't even pregnant.

HonestReally · 09/09/2018 18:56

Even if the girlfriend wasn’t pregnant I’d think the son was stupid to be considering getting a flat with her. He can only have known her a few months

This all sounds very strange. So she was 4 months pregnant when your son met her weeks ago, so she's about 5/6 months now? And her parents don't know? Surely she'd be showing by now. I would doubt there even is a baby.

I agree - it doesn’t add up. Either the girlfriend or son are lying. Someone is?

JuJu2017 · 09/09/2018 19:03

Aww bless him, this is a tough one! He’s obviously a very kind and loving young mum to want to stay with her and take on her child has is own so well done to you for raising such a wonderful child! But it is his life and to potentially put it on hold for a baby that isn’t his and a relationship that is so new is a little risky. I have nothing to advise but I hope you find a solution without causing problems between the pair of you.

HungryHippoMummy · 09/09/2018 19:13

I agree those dates don't add up. How long have they been together? And she was apparently 4 months pregnant then? So she must be showing by now, how do her parents not know? I think you need to sit down with them both, be the accessible responsible and there for them adult and work out this mess: dates; maternity care; finishing their education to provide for this child. And find out if it's your son's baby...

Smudge100 · 09/09/2018 19:16

He is romanticising the whole thing and enjoying playing the knight in shining armour. Wait till it‘s born. He‘ll run a country mile.

Minxmumma · 09/09/2018 19:27

As hard and conflicting as this is please try not to judge either of them to harshly, it isn't ideal but the girl is in a mess and he may be the father. They will get enough judgement elsewhere, right now what they need is practical advice and support.

It may all fizzle out in a few weeks but it may not.

This might not be your choice for him but being confrontational will drive him away. Possibly destroying your relationship with your son, and possibly your grandchild.

They are both naive and immature. Reality will arrive fairly soon for both of them.

Notasunnybunny · 09/09/2018 19:28

Op, he sounds like a good guy. I wouldn’t worry too much, I think this may sort itself out. He needs to understand that if he really wants to help her he needs to stay at college and get a good job.....by which time this will all be a distant memory

MeloCocoBanan · 09/09/2018 19:30

I think you have to play the l9ng game here to keep him onside with you.

Go along with him supporting her where he can but not at the detriment of his own life plans. Like s ok said - important he stays in college to provide a better future when baby is a child and costing more etc etc.

Dont poo poo his choice to support but discourage the moving in together. Say its too early and not over my dead body. Explain the importance of taking time to move on etc to give their relationship the best chance.

I strongly suspect this will eventually blow over when he's sleep deprived with a tired screaming baby, tired girlfriend, skint and his mates are buying the latest PS4 games, off on a jolly, buying cool trainers.

Dont push him yo her by laying down too much law.

He is being noble but very naive. I wouldn't want my son in this situation and tbh nor my daughter setting up home/getting serious when pregnant by a previous boyfriend. Too much too fast too soon.

Goth237 · 09/09/2018 19:30

@deepsea lol, then you don't know teenagers. If you've ever been on Yahoo Answers you'd see how little kids these days know about pregnancy. It is absolutely terrifying. They have no idea what can and can't get you pregnant, so it wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if she didn't have a clue!

CookPassBabtridge · 09/09/2018 19:33

This is exactly what my brother did at 18.. He was so in love and the dad didn't want anything to do with the baby so.. he was there from the beginning and 21 years later he has raised him as his son and they are a tight knit family.

It's his choice.. It might peter out or he might be in it for the long run! I think my brother is probably the exception though.

Goth237 · 09/09/2018 19:34

And please don't take the advice of some of the other posters telling you to tell her parents. It is not your place and you'll likely cause a huge rift between you and her and your son.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 09/09/2018 19:51

@BornToShark

OP : I don't know the parents

Half of the responses - tell the parents.

Jeez.

I think only a couple of posters have suggested that route and I doubt the OP will follow the advice.

But, the GF herself does have to tell her parents ASAP simply from a health perspective. What if she bleeds or goes into premature labour at home?

Potato2242 · 09/09/2018 19:56

For all those saying they don't believe she didn't know, I didn't know myself until 24 weeks. My periods had always been sporadic and often skipped months, I've always been chunky do didn't show and it wasn't until kicking did I start to realise. Yes I had a feeling at the start but burried my head in the sand about it I'd essentially forgotten about it. This girl is going through enough as it is, give her some slack

19lottie82 · 09/09/2018 19:56

As much as you will be screaming inside I think you need to implement a bit of damage control here.

Tell him you that you respect his decision but him moving out and providing for the gf and child isn’t a realistic option.

Sit him down and show him how much a flat and bills cost compared to min wage for a 17 year old. There is no need for her to move out of her parents in the near future, that will be the best place for her and the baby, rather than living in a grotty bedsit without two pennies to rub together.

He can stay in education so they are in a better position to to get a nice home and provide the things a child needs, in the future.

19lottie82 · 09/09/2018 19:58

Oh and make sure he does NOT put his name on the birth certificate as a matter of urgency.

19lottie82 · 09/09/2018 20:00

PPS (god I wish MN would get an edit button!) I also think there is a possibility the child could be his. A common form of lie is to tell a half truth. Can you ask your older son to speak to him?

PolkerrisBeach · 09/09/2018 20:08

Is it even legal to put yourself down on a birth certificate as a father when you're not?

Starlight345 · 09/09/2018 20:30

I would also invite her over . She is 17 , in denial what is going to happen.

Will give you more of an insight what is going on.

Your Ds thinks you are been open and actually she is a 17 year old girl who sounds like she could use a bit of wisdom

Lalala2018 · 09/09/2018 20:38

How do the lot of you know he is not in love plenty of people I know met when they were 14 and got married years later. Nobody knows tomorrow despite what age you are. If he is willing to stand by his pregnant girlfriend and I was his mother, I would be very proud. If it doesn't last or work out, be the supportive mother he deserves. Do not push him away with your concerns about his future, you raised him well, trust him.

19lottie82 · 09/09/2018 20:44

Is it even legal to put yourself down on a
birth certificate as a father when you're
not?

No, but plenty of people do it.

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