DS new girlfriend

[discobiscuit6]

Ds17 told us a few weeks ago that he has been seeing someone, dh has been teasing him asking to meet her etc but ds kept making excuses which I found strange as he has always introduced us to past girlfriends

Last night ds dropped the bombshell that his girlfriend was 4 months pregnant when he met her but she didn't know and now he is going to stay with her and help her raise the baby

AIBU to think that this is fucking absurd and at 17 the furthest thing from his mind should be baby's especially when its not his

I have tried to explain to ds how hard parenting is and at 17 relationships often don't last, I said to him that the kindest thing he can do is not get involved but he is not interested in anything I have to say

nakedscientist has it.

If you humiliate him by saying he's a mug, and if you insult the woman he currently lives and wants to spend his life with, you will drive him away. He'll stop listening to you and, if he's strong willed, do anything to make it work to show you he's right, including dropping out of education to earn minimum wage full time.

You need to remain neutral - don't lie, admit you're worried, but in neutral language and dont labour the point. Make sure he knows you are on his side. Get him listening.

Point out that long term his new family will be best off if both parents get the best education they can, to support the baby for the next 18-21 years, or longer. Advise that if possible it would be best for all of their long term future if she can tell her parents about the pregnancy and remain living with them while she completed her education. That will allow both of them to save every penny from part time jobs, to put down a deposit on a house in time for the child starting school in 2024...

In being supportive, emphasise how you will be supporting him to plan how best to take on the massive financial responsibility for the next 21 years...

It might bring him back to earth a bit. Don't overdo it though, you want him to avoid dropping out or leaving home, without driving him to do exactly that.

He sounds like a very decent guy they must be scared both of them. Yes he's young but whether he sticks by her or not isn't really your choice to make. There is nothing wrong with what he is doing at all or she. For all you know for him she could be the one, many people meet people at a young age and end up staying with them for life. I don't see what the problem is other than the fact she's pregnant??

BigBlueBubble

And when her parents find out they’ll insist on a DNA test.

I'm not convinced that this will be anywhere on their agency and would be quite concerned for your son's safety.

Hes 17 mntters not 21. Just 17. He says the baby isnt his. Theres a vvvvv frightened 17 year old girls whos grapped a kind boy in the hope he will help her out of this situation. Her parents need telling. She must be so frightened. I agree op i would not be happy but whatever you do dont say no to a 17 year old. He needs support but most of all he needs to get his girlfriend to tell her parents. If they support her she wont need him.

It's unlikely to last. Bide your time and support him when he needs you.

OP, is it likely he’d be able to move out, get a flat and support the girl and baby on a minimum wage? Does he have an idea of how much he’d have to earn, or is he like most 17 year olds, with little understanding of how hard being an adult actually is?
What is he doing at the moment? Does he have a pt job?
Why don’t the girl’s parents know? What is she afraid of?

I understand the op's misgivings but don't reject the girl out of hand.
Encourage son to stay at college, he can be supportive of his girlfriend without living with her. Apart from her having a baby, they can be just like any other teenage couple.

The poor girl is 'left holding the baby' and must not be treated as though she is a pariah, this is 2018. However she must tell her parents and they may rally round and give her the help she needs.

Hopefully she will not get pregnant again in a hurry - that's important to stress!

Living together at their ages when education is not finished is really not on the cards though. A compromise can be reached if both sets of parents are reasonable. Of course it may not last but if handled sensitively, there will be no bitterness if they part.

I don't think there's anything you can say to change his mind unfortunately. just be there if/when it goes wrong.

they might make a go of it, stranger things have happened.

is it his first relationship?

Also I would question whether your DS has low self esteem. Sometimes low self esteem encourages people to take on the role of "rescuer". If this is the case, then building up his self esteem is the most important step to take.
Whatever you do, don't sit down with his parents as suggested, and say you don't support this relationship. I can't think of any other action more likely to drive them closer together.

I have a 17 year old so and absolutely would not be happy. However as others have said, it is very early days.

I also think he could be the Father. It's possible they've hatched this plan to avoid too much bother.

This all sounds very strange. So she was 4 months pregnant when your son met her weeks ago, so she's about 5/6 months now? And her parents don't know? Surely she'd be showing by now. I would doubt there even is a baby.

I disagree with those who think the DS should be helped to get a flat or a job to support this girl.

I’m 40 and having a baby has put a stop to any social life or hobbies for myself and DH, as well as any expensive treats like holidays, takeaways, new clothes, etc. It’s placed a huge strain on our relationship because we have no time alone together and we’re constantly exhausted. I have ongoing medical issues from the birth which DH is struggling to support me with. It’s scuppered my career because I can’t afford to work so I’m totally reliant on DH, which puts a lot of pressure on him and prevents him from being flexible in his career because we need a steady income.

And we’re grown adults who have been married for years and already enjoyed our youths. I can’t begin to imagine how much harder all of this would be for a 17yo. OP’s DS doesn’t have to go through this - he can walk away and should be encouraged to do so by any means necessary.

Please don’t think I’m advocating a flat and a job, Bigblue. I am absolutely not.

@Whollyfather. Why do you think the preganant 17 year old girl who is too scared to tell her parents is a 'calculating woman'?

@blueskiesandforests, wise advice.

What a tough one! It's true that being unsupportive may well drive him away, and it's true that it may well fizzle out in a few months time, however by that time he may have already seriously neglected his college course and exams, therefore negatively affecting his future..

I think that you have to try and be on their side - meet her, try and help her tell her parents, show him how much money they'd need to be able to run a flat and bring up a family, try and stress to him how he'd earn more if he did better at college etc. Try and pop this "loved up, we wanna be together whatever" bubble and bring them down to reality a bit, without shouting at him or criticising - let reality dawn on him, but kind of help reality dawn quicker..

The girl is 17 and her parents still don't know about the pregnancy yet.

There's going to be some massive fallout when they do find out and the family will decide together what to do and how to handle it. I really don't think the ideas of a 17 year old boy she's recently met will be taken much into account anyway!

Take comfort from this OP, by the way. I mean it well.

Would you tell him it was “fucking absurd” and to not be involved if he was the one to have gotten her pregnant?

Really? Can't see the difference?

Sounds like you've raised a lovely, mature, kind son

He is volunteering to be a father at 17, that shows loveliness, yes, maybe. But not maturity at all. the same way actually getting her pregnant wouldn't have shown maturity. both things result in the end of probably quite a lot of life plans he would have otherwise had for himself based purely on a new relationship he has had for a few weeks.

he has no real life idea on what it takes to raise a child. he can say he is being lovely while retaining a 'get out of jail free' card the entire time. it's total immaturity. Will he actually be raising a child with her in 2 years from now? highly unlikely.

I have no idea what the ‘right’ course of action would be is, but I’d go with supportive whilst reinforcing the changes and commitment that are afoot.

I agree that her parents need to know and whilst I wouldn’t tell them myself I’d strongly encourage her to.

I’d welcome her, ask them both to talk through plans etc. Be supportive also the realist:

‘Ok, well, without qualifications you’ll only be able to get a minimum wage job so you’ll need to apply for benefits too. Let’s get the forms sorted first. Then you’ll need to apply for housing because you can’t stay here long-term.’

‘Ok, let’s do a budget based on part-time work at minimum wage plus the things you’ll need to buy. I can offer £100 so that might cover the cot if we get it second hand. But you’ll need a new mattress. Let’s look on eBay for everything else. So you’ll need around £500 to get started. Minimum wage job at 15 hours a week so that will take a few months. Hmmmmm. What jobs have you seen so far? Well, best get applying! You really don’t have much time to get things in order.’

I’d be quite jolly hockeysticks about it whilst delivering the ‘its gonna be tough’ message.

Have you asked outright if it is his baby? That would be the first thing I would want to clear up. If so, of course he should step up.

If is is indeed somebody else’s baby I would say as nice as it is of your son to want to take the baby on, it is not right. It is a very new relationship, who knows if it will last. It could fizzle out before the baby is even here. The pressures of a newborn could tear them apart. He should not be drastically altering his life to accommodate a baby who is not his responsibility.

In order not to drive him away, I think you will have to be supportive of the relationship, but strongly encourage him not to drop out of school or college and not to change his future plans.

If he is not the father, he is being taken for a beta mug by a calculating woman and needs to end the relationship forthwith.

@sallyseeker because men who use the term "betamale" are almost always fucking idiots MRAs who think women are desperate to steal the seeds of Alpha males and get Betas to raise the child or something.

A 17 year old is clearly a "calculating woman" because they see teenagers as acceptable prey.

Tell her parents.

If a woman posted in relationships saying a man she'd just met wanted to take her children on as his own it would be seen as a HUGE red flag of either dodgy intentions or massive immaturity and she'd be told to RUN.

For some reason people think when a teenager does it's a sign of maturity though.

I'm not ragging on your son btw Op. I don't mean it unkindly, it's just very obvious the thinking of a 17 year old and not an adult, if he were my son I'd be trying to shake some sense in to him.

If a woman posted in relationships saying a man she'd just met wanted to take her children on as his own it would be seen as a HUGE red flag of either dodgy intentions or massive immaturity and she'd be told to RUN.

Close this thread here because this is exactly it!