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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS new girlfriend

173 replies

discobiscuit6 · 08/09/2018 11:42

Ds17 told us a few weeks ago that he has been seeing someone, dh has been teasing him asking to meet her etc but ds kept making excuses which I found strange as he has always introduced us to past girlfriends

Last night ds dropped the bombshell that his girlfriend was 4 months pregnant when he met her but she didn't know and now he is going to stay with her and help her raise the baby

AIBU to think that this is fucking absurd and at 17 the furthest thing from his mind should be baby's especially when its not his

I have tried to explain to ds how hard parenting is and at 17 relationships often don't last, I said to him that the kindest thing he can do is not get involved but he is not interested in anything I have to say

OP posts:
IamReginaFalange · 09/09/2018 20:47

This situation happened to someone I knew I was at college many years ago.
The girl then got pregnant again a few weeks after the baby was born as they didn’t realise it could happen, so he had a ‘stepson’ and his own son and he was 19. Shock

Passingwords · 09/09/2018 21:27

First I'd tell your DS to get an STI check, if baby isn't his and GF been having unprotected sex with someone recently.
Second- get him to bring her for dinner pronto, if he's going to be dad and you grandparents you need to meet mother asap and then you can all take it from there.
Tread middle road of accepting but practical.
Who knows she may be an abuse victim, your son could be father or something in between, you don't know but you need to be much closer to this as you Will be impacted emotionally and probably financially too

Yourcupwillneverempty · 09/09/2018 21:39

I'd play the long game and tell ds that whilst I didn't agree with it and think it was the best idea I'd support him/ them and treat them like adults as long as they behaved as sensible adults. Ask to meet her, explain to him that even if it was his baby it'd be in the best interests of his 'family' to continue education, get a part time job and work hard so their future is better. Raising a baby and then a child on minimum wage because you've thrown your prospects away is bleak. Under no circumstances will you support him/ them if it is suggested he be put on the birth certificate, it's illegal (knowingly giving false information) and not in the baby's best interests. If it all works out legal adoption is the best way forward and should be no problem if the father isn't interested. If he wants to bring the baby up as his own that includes doing what is best for the baby, and knowing he isn't their biological father is part of that. Then hope it blows out quickly, if not ride the wave of supporting him but letting him know that walking away is ok, it isn't his child. But that bonding with a child only to leave them is a shitty thing to do, father or not. What a situation!

lelepond · 09/09/2018 21:42

it's naivety, not maturity.

I would not want my son getting involved at all (especially during A-Levels presumably).

pollymere · 09/09/2018 23:26

Invite her around. That way you get to meet her, and if they are being naive the cracks will probably show.

overnightangel · 10/09/2018 04:25

“it's naivety, not maturity.“

This

You need to meet her and her parents ASAP

strawberrisc · 10/09/2018 06:14
  1. He sounds like an incredible young man.
  2. Yes, I’d be worried.
VoiceOfCommonSense · 10/09/2018 06:49

Well at least you don’t have to worry about him getting her pregnant :P

ForTheLoveOfDoughnuts · 10/09/2018 07:27

OP he thinks he's old enough and mature enough to support his girlfriend and raise her baby.. but she hasn't told her parents yet? (I think I read this in one of your comments?)
This is ridiculous. His gf clearly isn't very mature as she hasn't even told her patents. I think it's time for some hard honest truths here. I would tell him you want to meet her and her parents. With 2 sets of parents involved hopefully you can get to the bottom of who the dad is and come up with a suitable plan (if the baby is his)

TooMuchPenis · 10/09/2018 07:50

so she must be showing by now, how do her parents not know?

Lots of people don't show at that point during their first pregnancy, especially teenagers.

2ManyChoices · 10/09/2018 13:41

@discobiscuit6
I was a Mum at 16, my son is now 19, at one point during the early years, he was 18 months ish, I had five jobs a week, including a night shift, two weekend jobs, retail and bar work and a full time sales job, JUST to keep a roof over our heads, it was horrid and felt like I never saw him!
My advice to you, we've just done similar although no baby involved, would be to print some budget sheets off, look at some two bed houses/flats to let, give them some figures, include that they have at least £30 of nappies, milk and baby essentials a week to budget for, work out how much per month they need to earn just to exist, no spare money, and then how many hours at NMW, they have to work a month to earn that, bare in mind that at 17 NMW is £4.90 per hour only rising to £5.90 after 18 and staying that until 20!!! Around me, just for rent a month that would be a minimum of 30 hours a week, JUST IN RENT. My son suddenly realised that renting a £550 a month house wasn't just going to cost him £550 a month, the daft part is that it took me sending him to the shop for deodorant and toilet roll and then me telling him that I buy that, £6, every week. And that's just two items they would need.
Don't try and put him off or get angry with him, you will push them together, just support him and let him come to his own conclusions, however, make perfectly clear to them both that, A) she needs to tell her parents, B) he won't be leaving college, and C) it's bloody hard work.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 10/09/2018 14:09

@2ManyChoices

You sound like an incredible Mum, your DS is lucky to have you!

Gemini69 · 10/09/2018 14:42

is OP coming back Hmm

HenriettaH · 10/09/2018 14:52

This same thing happened to me...exactly. Same age of son...everything.

I don't think this is acceptable. Your son is still a minor. Yes it depicts caring young man.... BUT it comes with much that can affect his life. Taking on the child bring with it a huge financial obligation. The girl my son met wanted him to sign on the birth certificate as the father. First of all he was 17 and that was not happening as it was not true and would affect sons whole life. At 17 it is not a great idea to walk into something that can alter the path of your future. Thankfully my son did not sign the birth register. He looked after her as we all did for the first 18 months of the childs life. He was a beautiful little boy and I looked after him when she worked until finally her own mother accepted her grandchild and started to help her daughter. The relationship didn't last between my son and the childs mom...as most wouldn't in same situation. We have stayed in distant contact with her and she has gone on to eventually marry someone else at the age of 25 and has two more sons. My son is still single with a lovely girlfriend and enjoying life... has a good career and in retrospect realises he did well to help his ex but that their path was not the same one. Pushing 17 year olds into stepparent status is not a good idea. I agree with OP.

2ManyChoices · 10/09/2018 15:48

@AmICrazyorWhat2
Thankyou!! Blush
I do try, and unlike the doom and gloom of other teenage parents stories, we are best friends, it was extremely hard work, but what you put in you get out, he's a exceptional young man, I'm very proud of him and he amazes me daily. Thankyou again.

agnurse · 10/09/2018 16:04

He sounds loving and caring, but I would STRONGLY recommend that he wait to move in with and/or marry her until a few years after the baby is born.

I recommend this because he's so young. This may sound odd coming from me as I don't believe in sex outside of marriage, but I don't believe people should get married just because they have a child together or because they're pregnant - ESPECIALLY when they're that young.

My FIL and MIL married when MIL was 17 because she was pregnant with Hubby. The marriage ended badly. I've known a few people who married at 18-19 and the marriages usually didn't end well. Hubby married in his 20s because his ex was pregnant with their daughter, and that marriage ended badly.

The reality is that your son is NOWHERE near mature enough to be making this type of decision. It's fantastic that he wants to help. It's fantastic that she wants to keep the baby. But he needs to figure out who HE is as an individual before he can figure out who he is as a dad and as a partner/husband.

If it IS his baby, he does have a responsibility to that child. I'm not disputing that. If he wants to be a father figure to the child, that's wonderful. But he needs to have that be separate from his relationship with the mother, at least for now. If, in a few years, he still feels the same way about her, then maybe they should decide to be together. But I really don't see this ending well.

NotWeavingButDarning · 10/09/2018 17:02

There are a lot of opinions on this thread (don't get involved, don't put your name on the birth certificate,
don't move in together, etc.) that entirely hinge on the supposition that the OPs DS is not the father of this baby.

Really OP I think your DS and his GF need to do a DNA test to ascertain that before you give them any advice moving forward, as that really is the crux of the matter here, and obviously the results massively change the situation.

OutPinked · 10/09/2018 17:23

Honestly, I’d be concerned about his level of naivety here.

You need to give him a crash back to reality without being aggressive in a manor that would work to push him away. As I’m sure you know, teenagers are naturally rebellious and the last thing you need to do be doing right now is pushing him out.

Show him what min wage is for a 17 year old and even for an 18 year old. Tell him they won’t just be ‘given a flat’, it doesn’t work that way. Explain how expensive a deposit/rent is, ask how he will come up with those funds. Ask whether this is what he actually wants from his life- to be stuck in whatever city/town you are in, not travelling or going on holidays with his friends, working in a shit job purely to pay bills all for someone else’s child. Ask what he will do if she gets pregnant shortly after this baby is born- he will then have a stepchild and child of his own to raise.

This is a multifaceted situation. He isn’t being mature as PP’s have suggested, I would argue the opposite. This shows an obvious naivety and vulnerability imo. He obviously cares for the girl and that’s lovely but he shouldn’t be rushing into raising someone else’s child at such a young age.

Strongmummy · 10/09/2018 17:38

I’ve not read the thread, but I imagine it’s his

SlimmingMumOf1 · 10/09/2018 18:06

Bless him

Daisymay2 · 11/09/2018 22:01

I don't know whether you can do this or not, but it might be worth contacting the Registrars to ask advice about ensuring that he doesn't enter himself as the father on the birth certificate- especially if he is still under 18 when the baby is born. Or at least until you have DNA confirmation whether he is or isn't the father.

IrmaFayLear · 12/09/2018 09:31

Bless him

Honestly!

He is a stupid boy. Very stupid if it's his baby, and even more stupid if it's not.

2ManyChoices · 15/09/2018 11:15

@discobiscuit6 do you have any update on he situation? I've been thinking about you!

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