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AIBU?

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Original poster

DS new girlfriend

173 replies

discobiscuit6 · 08/09/2018 11:42

Ds17 told us a few weeks ago that he has been seeing someone, dh has been teasing him asking to meet her etc but ds kept making excuses which I found strange as he has always introduced us to past girlfriends

Last night ds dropped the bombshell that his girlfriend was 4 months pregnant when he met her but she didn't know and now he is going to stay with her and help her raise the baby

AIBU to think that this is fucking absurd and at 17 the furthest thing from his mind should be baby's especially when its not his

I have tried to explain to ds how hard parenting is and at 17 relationships often don't last, I said to him that the kindest thing he can do is not get involved but he is not interested in anything I have to say

OP posts:
CelticDad · 08/09/2018 12:56

This reply has been deleted

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NotDavidTennant · 08/09/2018 12:57

At the this age, the more strongly you oppose it the more likely he will be to dig in. Play it cool and with any luck the whole thing will fizzle out before the baby comes along.

Winebottle · 08/09/2018 12:58

I wouldn't be too worried. It sounds like immaturity to me.

He's been with her for a few weeks, has nothing invested and is 17. Why would he want to get involved?

He probably thinks he is doing the right thing but it will end when he realizes the responsibility involved. Has he even got the means to play house?

Winebottle · 08/09/2018 13:02

But I would not say anything. The more you say it is a bad idea and he says he is doing it anyway, the more face he will lose by walking away.

If he is stubborn he won't want to prove you right and himself wrong.

BonnieF · 08/09/2018 13:06

I’m not convinced that it’s DS who is being naive here...

OP, are you absolutely sure he’s being straight with you? Are you quite sure your son isn’t the father of this child?

Your son is still legally a minor, so you have every right to get involved in this situation and to find out the real facts. Is the girl under 18 too? If so, I think you need to contact her parents and find out what’s really going on here.

Good luck...

Original poster
discobiscuit6 · 08/09/2018 13:10

his girlfriend is also 17, he is at college but seems to think he will just get a job and be able to make enough money to move out and get a flat for them and the baby to live

She also still lives with her parents, ds said they don't know shes pregnant but the real father does and wants nothing to do with it

OP posts:
SallySeeker · 08/09/2018 13:10

I wouldn't like it either but I think I would tell him once what I felt and then step back. The chances of him being quite so interested are limited when his girlfriend is lugging about a 9 months pregnant belly, closely followed by the delights of post partum mega maternity pads, leaking boobs and a screaming baby. I have a feeling it will sort itself out Wink. If not, and they get through that then they'll probably meant to be so you don't want to put too much distance between them and you.

billybagpuss · 08/09/2018 13:11

‘Help’ how?

Is he planning on financially supporting her? Or just calling around on a Saturday morning to play with it for a couple of hours?

Does he have a job or is he planning on uni etc?

Unless he’s lying to you and it’s his I think when the stark reality hits home he’ll decide what to do then. He may stick around and be a good friend but I’d be surprised if it was much more than that.

SallySeeker · 08/09/2018 13:11

And I think I'd ask him outright if he's the father because tbh it's looking like he is.

nakedscientist · 08/09/2018 13:11

OP of course it's your business.
If you object, it will distance him from you and he really needs you now.

Support his decision and emphasise that the best way to support them, in the long run, is to complete his education so he can get a good job and earn a decent salary.

It most likely won't last but keep him close and then you can help what ever happens. Flowers

SallySeeker · 08/09/2018 13:14

Just read your last post. All you can do is try and reason with him and if that doesn't work let him learn the hard way. He'll move out and soon learn its not all a bed of roses. That's if he even gets that far as you won't be in a position to help Wink so he's got a deposit to save for, baby stuff to buy, bills to pay, etc

BoneyBackJefferson · 08/09/2018 13:16

icannotthinkofauser
Sounds like you've raised a lovely, mature, kind son

Lovely - yes
Kind - yes

Mature - no

Sounds like a teenager in love.

BigBlueBubble · 08/09/2018 13:17

I’d be terrified in your shoes OP. Your DS is potentially throwing away his youth to care for a kid that isn’t his. Even worse, a court could deem him as having accepted parental responsibility and he could be on the hook for paying maintenance. Make sure he does NOT put his name on the birth certificate! Or offer a level of support that could be deemed as “parental responsibility”.

Try to distract him. Organise extra curricular activities. Encourage him to go out with other friends. Pay friends to take him out! Pay for holidays abroad! Heck, I’d even move 100 miles away to put a stop to this. He’s too young to understand but this will ruin his life if you don’t intervene and put an end to it.

WhollyFather · 08/09/2018 13:18

OP, find out if he is the father. If the woman was 4 months pregnant when he says they met, this is unlikely. I'd assume the pregnancy was the result of a ONS.

If he is not the father, he is being taken for a beta mug by a calculating woman and needs to end the relationship forthwith. At 17 he is still a child himself and should not be jeopardising his future by getting involved in bringing up another man's offspring. In the unlikely event they are still together when the baby is born, under no circumstances should he allow himself to be named on the BC.

If, however, he is the father - 100% certain, DNA test if necessary - he must deal with the consequences of his irresponsibility the best he can.

Ginger1982 · 08/09/2018 13:18

Nicknacky come on!! Of course it would be different if he was the father. And as for it not being the OPs business it absolutely is!

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 08/09/2018 13:20

Pen and paper.
Figures down - the financial reality of a baby, running a flat, implications if the df does show up wanting involvement.
My ds has been in 2 relationships with a gf +toddler and the emotional fallout for all when they split was awful.

BarbarianMum · 08/09/2018 13:20

So her parents dont know about the baby but they know about your ds? So is the plan that he's presented as the "babydaddy" when the shit hits the fan?

I think at the bottom of this is one vefy scared 17 year old girl trying to "make things right" rather than dealing with the reality of her situation. I feel for her bit I would not want my ds' future sacrificed to her. If he ends a in a ltr with her fine, but he's not taking the relationship at a normal pace, is he? He's being lined up to play dad to his new girlfriend's kid.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 08/09/2018 13:21

She also still lives with her parents, ds said they don't know shes pregnant but the real father does and wants nothing to do with it

Oh Lordy...

BigBlueBubble · 08/09/2018 13:23

He's being lined up to play dad to his new girlfriend's kid
This. And when her parents find out they’ll insist on a DNA test.

Tell her parents now. Sit them down and make it clear that your DS isn’t the father and you don’t support the relationship. You need to nip this in the bud.

LuvSmallDogs · 08/09/2018 13:23

It’s crazy, but don’t get too upset as it’ll only make him dig his heels in more. Just try to encourage him to focus on his studies/job “to support the baby” so his prospects won’t have suffered if/when this goes tits.

SharkSave · 08/09/2018 13:25

I'd indulge him a bit and sit down and have a look a houses to rent, talk about how much other bills are, costs of nappies/milk etc to show him how much he'd need to be earning. Show him his 'plan' isn't going to work

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/09/2018 13:26

The chances of him being quite so interested are limited when his girlfriend is lugging about a 9 months pregnant belly, closely followed by the delights of post partum mega maternity pads, leaking boobs and a screaming baby. I have a feeling it will sort itself out Wink

This ^^

However I also find it odd he wants to do quite so much for them; helping her out yes, but housing and keeping her and the baby? Err ... no

Like others, I'd be wanting to know if he's actually the father

abacucat · 08/09/2018 13:27

He is only 17, this relationship is very unlikely to last. And by being so negative about it, you may simply drive them closer together. I would welcome his gf.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/09/2018 13:29

Tell her parents now. Sit them down and make it clear that your DS isn’t the father ...

Wouldn't it be worth finding out if that's actually the case first?

YetAnotherSpartacus · 08/09/2018 13:29

Quite aside from your son OP there is a scared and pregnant girl here. The main focus seems to be on supporting her postpartum, when in fact that is a long way off. She needs support in the here and now to tell her parents and to consider what she wants to do re pregnancy and child. I'm not saying this is your responsibility, but if your son wants to take any responsibility then this is where the focus should be - maybe him accompanying her to counselling?

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