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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS new girlfriend

173 replies

discobiscuit6 · 08/09/2018 11:42

Ds17 told us a few weeks ago that he has been seeing someone, dh has been teasing him asking to meet her etc but ds kept making excuses which I found strange as he has always introduced us to past girlfriends

Last night ds dropped the bombshell that his girlfriend was 4 months pregnant when he met her but she didn't know and now he is going to stay with her and help her raise the baby

AIBU to think that this is fucking absurd and at 17 the furthest thing from his mind should be baby's especially when its not his

I have tried to explain to ds how hard parenting is and at 17 relationships often don't last, I said to him that the kindest thing he can do is not get involved but he is not interested in anything I have to say

OP posts:
overnightangel · 08/09/2018 14:31

“And I think I'd ask him outright if he's the father because tbh it's looking like he is.”

Very small chance it’s not his imo

AcrossthePond55 · 08/09/2018 14:37

I agree that coming down hard on him will only make him more stubborn. You need to go quietly and calmly from here on in.

I think the main thing right now is to make him see that giving up his education is the last thing he needs to do. Impress on him that the better educated he is the better the life he will be able to provide for 'his family'. I'd make this my number one 'theme' in any conversation.

Don't put the girl down. It'll only drive him towards her and away from you. In fact, I'd say that it's time to grit your teeth and tell him you'd like to meet her. You know nothing about her other than what he's said and you need to be able to decide for yourself whether she's a 'little girl lost' or a 'scheming gold digger'. Once you know that, you'll have a better idea of how to proceed.

IMO, encourage her to tell her parents but under no circumstances tell them yourself. Chances are that she's not getting any prenatal care and that's a real worry. And she won't be able to hide it for much longer anyway. But do be prepared for her to land on your doorstep when she does or that she starts begging him to get a place with her. BTW, do you know if DS has met them?

I know the birth is a long way off, but if they are still together towards the end of the pregnancy at some point you'll want to be sure that DS understands the ramifications of allowing her to put his name down as the child's father on the birth certificate if he is not, in fact, the father.

I know a couple who did this and it has caused a world of problems for the man. Including having to pay child support (I'm in the US) after they broke up. The courts decided that if he named himself the father knowing full well that he wasn't then he could bloody well pay.

I have two sons, now grown. I sympathize with you. It was bad enough worrying that they would get a girl pregnant despite lecturing on safe sex. I never even thought to worry that they'd be in your DS's situation. He sounds a lovely young man.

paintinmyhairAgain · 08/09/2018 14:52

what's op take on the general collective feed back ?

Wallflowerfire · 08/09/2018 15:48

I actually know someone who has this exact situation. A bloke at age 17 went out with a woman with a baby. Now 20 years later they are still together, he earns a lot of money, and they have a child of their own as well as her son. It worked out for them amid nothing but negativity from his family, that alone just made them hide away a bit, afraid of judgement. It was a shock when I found out but now they are just like any other family and it did not hold him back.

Not saying it's going to be like that, just an example of when it has worked out.

Another friend of mine was a teen dad, now 15 yrs later also earns a lot and decent job and happy. Did affect badly to begin with but his character shone through and he did what he was made to do with his life. Did not hold him back in the end.

BarbarianMum · 08/09/2018 16:05

If she is the one for him Wallflower she'll still be the one for him if they take the relationship at normal teenage pace - him boyfriend, her single mum. He can always look to move in with her/marry/ help support the child/be its father further down the line if things work out.

tillytown · 08/09/2018 17:05

WhollyFather your post is nasty, as are you. What the fuck happened in your life to make you such a horrible woman hating twat?

Original poster
discobiscuit6 · 08/09/2018 20:07

ds met the girl at college, I dont know her or her parents I have never met them

ds says its not his baby and he seems to be telling the truth but when I mentioned the idea of him being the father to oh he said he thought that and still does

when I said we have met his past girlfriends its just been a few girls nothing serious just normal teenagers together one min and not the next, thats why I thought this relationship would be the same and think ds should just walk away now for his and the girl/baby's sake

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 08/09/2018 20:15

To be honest, 17yo's have relationships and fall in love then break-up before I've even finished a cup of coffee so on that front you should just wait, trust the process. I would be just as you are in this situation - in fact I think you are being quite calm about things. Stay like this. If you come down hard then it will only push him further into his resolve that this is it and this is his life and you just "don't understand."

Do you have any other dc? Are they aware of what's going on?

Bobbybear10 · 08/09/2018 20:21

It sounds very likely the baby is his tbh, but maybe I’m just cynical.

Although if the baby is his unless he owns up to it there isn’t really anything you can do apart from support him and be there for when it all goes tits up.

Original poster
discobiscuit6 · 08/09/2018 20:22

I have dd 13 and ds 19 they don't know although sons are really close so wouldn't be surprised if he had told his brother

OP posts:
Bluecloudyskies · 08/09/2018 20:27

DISCO

You have to play this right. I’d tell him if he was really serious he needs to stay in education so he can provide more money for them. Minimum wage won’t pay for shit.

Id probably be going out my mind but keep a poker face and try and keep the lines of communication open about him staying in collage.

Show him rental costs, show him costs of prams, cots. Talk to him about getting his driving done so he can get a car. He must stay in education to pay for this.

If you get over this hurdle then figure out the rest later. But that is your main priority

VladmirsPoutine · 08/09/2018 20:41

Just be patient and wait it out. Just listen to him and don't ask too many questions lest you risk pushing him further away. Of course you should express that this is incredibly serious but take a different tack even though I know you feel all the emotions in the world at once right now. Don't behave as though you have literally just been cut in half. I'm with you - it is fucking absurd that a 17yo boy should take this on.

Do you get an inkling it's his child? Because if it is then it changes things a great deal and you still have a lot to come. I wonder because he was reluctant to even introduce you to her then reluctant to say she was pregnant, perhaps you are yet to hear it is his baby...? These are things to keep in mind.

Try to sound out the 19yo indirectly. It would also be quite a burden for him to be carrying if it is the case. He must also know it will eventually all come out and if he's a typical 19yo boy he must know that he would not want anything to do with this sort of situation.

Patience and time are your friends right now. I know it's not easy but you have no other route.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 09/09/2018 17:55

whollyfather

So, she at 17, is ‘a calculating woman’, but he at 17 is ‘a child’

How can you even justify that to yourself let alone post it?.

SilverApples · 09/09/2018 17:58

To be fair, I think whollyfather commented before the OP told us the girl was 17. At first it was just a pregnant woman, no age given, so an assumption might be made that she was older.

dorisdog · 09/09/2018 18:01

Wow. Complex! For what it's worth, I'd be super kind to both of them, and let time decide what will happen, whilst being super practical, so they start to understand the logistics of it all.

And if it works, well, hooray. There are worse things than babies!

exaltedwombat · 09/09/2018 18:05

Ouch. Without accusing anyone of conscious scheming, let's admit that this girl's natural and over-riding priority at the moment is protection of her unborn child and future provision for it. Being attractive to someone who will provide this is a survival strategy.

Attempt to insist on just one thing - an engagement that lasts until AFTER the birth. Preferably well after it.

(And remember, this isn't about you.)

ittakes2 · 09/09/2018 18:07

My dad's family discouraged him from dating my mum - it just made him want to be with my mum more. I think you need to leave him to it. He might only be 17 but he is old enough to decide who he loves and what he wants from his life. It's likely this relationship won't last - but you need to leave him to learn his own lessons and decide that for himself.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 09/09/2018 18:08

Inside I’d be screaming. On the outside I’d be calm, neutral and ‘helpful’ - pointing out the law remaining in education, how much the minimum wage equates to weekly, how far that goes in regard to housing, electricity, food...

I’d invite her around, be nice, get to know her.

...and wait for them both to come to their senses.

In the unlikely event they stay together & he gives up school to work to support her & the baby, he will learn different skills, his life will take a different path. He can get qualifications later.

It’s not what you envisaged, and I wouldn’t be happy either, BUT it could be FAR worse (death, accident, running with a bad crowd, drugs etc).

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 09/09/2018 18:09

This is a serious situation simply from a medical POV. The GF is probably 5-6 months pregnant now and she really needs to tell her parents and start getting the right medical care. I'm assuming she's not had scans/regular check-ups, so her own and the baby's health are potentially at risk.

Your DS sounds lovely and in your shoes, I'd swallow your (understandable) concerns for now and tell him that they can certainly be a couple if they want to, but she also needs mature adults to help her. As PP's have said, advise him that she must tell her parents ASAP, and let things develop from there.

It's quite possible that she won't lean on him so much when her family knows she's pregnant and start sorting things out.

IrmaFayLear · 09/09/2018 18:15

And if it works, well, hooray. There are worse things than babies!

Extraordinary post. Babies are lovely, but they are not cheap and raising a child is massively expensive. A 17-year-old taking on a child that is not even theirs? I don't think so.

The girl may be frightened/any port in a storm etc etc but she is behaving badly. Saddling someone with all the responsibilities of a child that is not theirs is naive at best and horrendously selfish at worst.

Agree that OP needs to present her ds with a spreadsheet of what he is going to have to pay and his accommodation/earning options. Hopefully he'll wave goodbye to this moment of madness.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 09/09/2018 18:22

silver she had already posted saying the girl is also 17 before whollyfather posted calling her a manipulating woman and saying it is likely to have been a ONS if it wasn’t the Op’s child’s 🙄. Even if she hadn’t, why would anyone assume she’s older? Or a manipulating woman? Hmm. Any ‘woman’ with half a brain, who was being manipulative is hardly going to target a 17 yo kid still at school...

AnnieAnoniMoose · 09/09/2018 18:26

Saddling someone with all the responsibilities of a child that is not theirs is naive at best and horrendously selfish at worst

Saddling? Here’s me thinking he was doing this of his own free will... Hmm. She’s 17 too, probably shit scared and this nice 17 yo lad is being lovely to her. What do you expect but her to do? Say ‘No, stop helping me, I’d much rather face this alone, you run off and find someone else’.

Give me strength. She’s a KID too.

EdisonLightBulb · 09/09/2018 18:31

Yes to telling her parents NOW whilst there's still (just) enough time off her to be sure she is making the right choices.

Gemini69 · 09/09/2018 18:32

cripes.. it's not ideal.. but telling him he's making a mistake won't help either... difficult OP.. I feel your distress and anguish... Flowers

Gemini69 · 09/09/2018 18:33

I agree too .. with telling her Parents asap.. Flowers

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