AIBU to take his family's dirty money? **Sensitive thread about child abuse - title edited by MNHQ**

[devastatedanon]

NC for reasons that will become very obvious. Identifying details removed. There are things I have had to leave out so please forgive me for not filling in some of the blanks.

I have been married for 11 years. Two kids and I'm six months pregnant with our much wanted third baby. Good job, nice house, adoring man.

It was all a lie. You are the first people I've told and even writing this out anonymously makes me want to vomit.

Three months ago the man I married (I can't call him DH or even husband) was arrested for viewing and storing child abuse images. We aren't talking about a few questionable pictures, ones he could argue he thought they were of age. Babies. Toddlers. Thousands of pictures and film clips. After the usual pathetic attempts at lying, he confessed and I've been told that due to the severity and amount, he is going away for a very long time.

Good.

As soon as he confessed, every feeling, every good memory I had of us as a family died. He became less than nothing to me. (I am seeing a therapist by the way, so are the kids, she is helping me cope with this boiling, violent rage I feel every time I think of his face)

I never want to see him again. Ever. He has been contacting me to beg for an hour of my time to "explain". As if there is anything he could say to explain away this horror, to minimise the fact he was an active participant in destroying the lives of those poor children. As if there is anything he could say to soften the fact he has destroyed my life, our babies lives.

He says he just wants an hour and then I can walk away but I "owe him this small thing".

I hope everyone will agree I ANBU when I say I can't/won't see him. I can't guarantee what I'd do. I can't and I won't and the idea I owe him ANYTHING is disgusting and repulsive.

Here's the AIBU. I dont have much family and nobody local, so his family have always been a big part of our lives. His parents are religious and have decided to love the sinner, hate the sin.

(I can't express how that makes me feel. I don't have the words for my anger and disgust)

They agree I owe him an hour and are haranguing me about it. You can imagine their arguments - it was "only" pictures, I need closure, we need to agree what to tell the children, I am being hormonal, I am selfish etc etc...

For the record, there stopped being a "we" the very second he admitted to his crimes. That's my closure and I will tell my children what I want (no idea what yet, one for the therapist to help me with).

I want to cut them out too. They disgust me now. I can't bear the idea of people who support that man being around my little ones. But... I lost my job and the house will go back to the bank soon. They have said they will give me the money he was due to inherit if I meet him. He won't need it where he is going. I need to feed my kids and more than ever, I need to keep them safe.

Part of me thinks the right thing to do for my kids would be to see him, get through an hour and take their money. Isn't that what a good mother would do? Grit my teeth and bear it for the chance to provide for my children? Is it selfish to refuse, when I know the impact it will have on my kids? It's dirty money but dirty money buys food and clothes just as good as clean money and I would rather die than ever let the kids know how I got it.

I don't know what to do. If I do it, I can provide for my babies who are so innocent and don't deserve any more pain.

Also, if I don't do it, the kids won't see their grandparents or extended family again. Right now I don't want them to be near those people but it should be MY CHOICE. Not another punishment for the kids.

I don't know what to do. I'm crying again but I cry all the time now. I can't talk to anyone about this in RL and my best friends have ghosted me since the news came out. I'm alone and scared of making the wrong choice.

I was going to ask, what should I do but I think we are past moral judgements. So my question is, what would you do? What price would you pay? I don't even care about my own mental health at this stage, that ship has sailed but it's like I physically cannot be in a room with him.

Thanks for reading, I'll answer any questions I can but if I can't, I'll say so and I hope you understand why.

What a nightmare. Truthfully I'd meet with him. Not for him, he's less than dirt, but for your children's future. They're all that matters. He means nothing.

How can you be sure you can trust them? When are you likely to get this money? I would tell them to pay it over in advance (how much are they talking about?)

Christ almighty.
Although I know this will go no way towards helping you, I am so, so sorry for you.
I could not honestly say what I would do in your position, other than to ask whether it would be possible to draw up some kind of document to ensure that they are bound to their word?
If you do go through with it, you would want to be assured that it wouldn’t be for nothing.

I think you are an incredibly strong person, I truly wish you all the best in the world for you and for your kids.

I forgot to say. - this is enough money to start our lives again elsewhere. Apparently I do have a price. God, I'm disgusted with myself.

Also, and I know I have no right to ask but if anyone replies, can you just bear in mind that I am so so so angry right now and any angry (normal!) replies along the lines of what should be done to him/what you'd do to him make me kind of... insane. Because yes yes yes, I agree so much. It's weird but my therapist suggested I ask people to be aware of that and consider not saying about violence because that makes me go off again. I want to do everything people might say they'd do and reading it on the screen just makes my rage flare so much. Not at the poster, at him. My therapist knows I'm posting this and I agreed I'd ask but people don't have to listen and it's a reaction I'm going to have to get used to.

I feel so sorry for you....
I’m sorry I’m no help but I didn’t want to read and run.
I totally understand you not knowing what to do I hope someone comes along with advice.

X

Stick to your guns. I wouldn’t go. No money attached to this is worth it and I doubt it would materialise anyway, particularly without further strings attached. No no no. YANBU to consider it though.

I'd meet for the hour but accompanied and behind a screen if I could, I'd take their money but I'd want that in writing, all signed and sealed by a solicitor first. I'd wait till dc are older if they want to see grandparents but would keep my distance.

Tell them to jog on. More and more strings will be attached to that money.

Christ, I'm a mess, I can't even get everything I wanted to say in one post. I'm sorry, I'm all over the place

Just wanted to say that if anyone thinks it and is worried, the child psychologist the kids are seeing (they think she is a very interesting babysitter, bless them) says there's no suggestion he abused them.

Thank god, thank god, thank god.

His family are using this as proof that it wasn't too serious. I can't even go into that without going insane but I wanted to say it in case anyone was thinking it - it was my first, horrific reaction.

Do not do anything you don't want to do.
You are going to cry... a lot... you will hate everyone... a lot... your friends will fuck off... true ones will stay. The majority of this shit is temporary. It gets easier but is always going to be there.
1st things first protect you and your babies. You need to divorce him and get financially sorted that way. You need a prohibited steps order to protect your babies.
You need to get them protective behaviours therapy.
Be careful who you tell... remember you want to be the ones telling your kids not some twat at school. Tell them enough for their ages. Speak to school and health visitors the more support the better.
Do not trust anyone who sides with him. Do not leave your kids with them.
You can do this. One step at a time.

I’d take the money. See him, say good bye, take the cash and get on with your life. It’s one less worry

Sorry you're in this situation. I would meet him, just for one hour and behind a screen. Visiting him doesn't mean that you support him. Like PP said, it's not for him but for your kids. Take the money, move away and start again with your kids. They're innocent in this and raising kids requires money and that money is theirs. I doubt they would be disgusted with you for taking the money. They would understand you did what you had to do to rebuild your lives.

I think I would do it and take the money, for the kids sake.

But whatever you choose, do not beat yourself up or feel bad. I cant imagine what you have been through, you sound amazingly strong!

Agree to meet as long as the finances are transferred before you meet him.

What an awful time.
I would take the cash but, as has been said, I'm sure it won't be that easy and you need to agree the details or get it in advance.
Horrible

I honestly can’t answer I feel be very divided but wouldn’t blame you if you took the money. Nothing will change your opinion of him.

However if you do it . You owe him nothing your choice

Wow.
Your kids are what matter.

From the other side of a screen, I'm tempted to say I'd want the cash up front and would just blank him for an hour if it helps my kids. But really I don't know what I'd do.

Whatever you decide, try not to feel guilty.

I would take the cash and see him for one hour.

It doesn't make you a monster, it makes you a good mother. Your children have pretty much lost their father - they need as much stability as possible and that means a stable home, not moving from horrid hotel to hotel in temporary council accommodation.

Apparently I do have a price. God, I'm disgusted with myself.

Don’t do it. You will forever have this feeling if you do. You will torture yourself and beat yourself up for it.

Cut all ties, leave, divorce him, get whatever benefits you’re entitled to, and just focus on raising your children as best you can.

Don’t take their money.

Nah. If they’re so concerned about the kids’ welfare, they would have given you the money and respectfully back off. It’s all a cast of manipulations and lies.
I can see your dilemma: it would be easier for the kids. In the cold light of day, think of it like this.
Say, one of your children grows up to do what your ex has done. You’ll always be his mum. But you’ll also feel for the grandchildren. You do not attach horrendous conditions like they did. You do not resort o blackmailing and manipulation. You just give the money and back away, help those poor kids as best as you can and let time heal, in the hope you’ll see them again sometimes.
Take the money if they put it in yoir account with no conditions attached.

Get the money in advance. Sit there and say nothing, you don’t have to listen to him, you don’t have to say anything or agree.

It’s worth doing it for your kids future, it’s not like you are being asked to abuse children or agree that he was ok to do so. You just have to sit and control your anger and not hit him / vomit.

It’s not dirty money. It didn’t come from the proceeds of crime or abuse, I’m assuming your PIL earned it with regular jobs.

They are wrong to use their money to manipulate / bribe you, but that’s their poor choice. It’s just normal money.

Take it and run.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you and your children. None of this is your fault, you have done nothing wrong. Child abusers Are are skilled manipulators and deceivers, it’s not your fault you didn’t know what he was doing.

Take the money and do it only for the kids; they’re your priority and they need it. So sorry this has happened

The fact that they are minimising what he's done and are attaching conditions to the money would make me very wary. If you are close to losing your house (sorry if I've got that wrong) and they could help but instead want to make you jump through their hoops to secure your children's future, makes me think they'll renege or add further conditions.

I would look at it as providing for my children and nothing more. I'd do it.