AIBU to take his family's dirty money? **Sensitive thread about child abuse - title edited by MNHQ**

[devastatedanon]

NC for reasons that will become very obvious. Identifying details removed. There are things I have had to leave out so please forgive me for not filling in some of the blanks.

I have been married for 11 years. Two kids and I'm six months pregnant with our much wanted third baby. Good job, nice house, adoring man.

It was all a lie. You are the first people I've told and even writing this out anonymously makes me want to vomit.

Three months ago the man I married (I can't call him DH or even husband) was arrested for viewing and storing child abuse images. We aren't talking about a few questionable pictures, ones he could argue he thought they were of age. Babies. Toddlers. Thousands of pictures and film clips. After the usual pathetic attempts at lying, he confessed and I've been told that due to the severity and amount, he is going away for a very long time.

Good.

As soon as he confessed, every feeling, every good memory I had of us as a family died. He became less than nothing to me. (I am seeing a therapist by the way, so are the kids, she is helping me cope with this boiling, violent rage I feel every time I think of his face)

I never want to see him again. Ever. He has been contacting me to beg for an hour of my time to "explain". As if there is anything he could say to explain away this horror, to minimise the fact he was an active participant in destroying the lives of those poor children. As if there is anything he could say to soften the fact he has destroyed my life, our babies lives.

He says he just wants an hour and then I can walk away but I "owe him this small thing".

I hope everyone will agree I ANBU when I say I can't/won't see him. I can't guarantee what I'd do. I can't and I won't and the idea I owe him ANYTHING is disgusting and repulsive.

Here's the AIBU. I dont have much family and nobody local, so his family have always been a big part of our lives. His parents are religious and have decided to love the sinner, hate the sin.

(I can't express how that makes me feel. I don't have the words for my anger and disgust)

They agree I owe him an hour and are haranguing me about it. You can imagine their arguments - it was "only" pictures, I need closure, we need to agree what to tell the children, I am being hormonal, I am selfish etc etc...

For the record, there stopped being a "we" the very second he admitted to his crimes. That's my closure and I will tell my children what I want (no idea what yet, one for the therapist to help me with).

I want to cut them out too. They disgust me now. I can't bear the idea of people who support that man being around my little ones. But... I lost my job and the house will go back to the bank soon. They have said they will give me the money he was due to inherit if I meet him. He won't need it where he is going. I need to feed my kids and more than ever, I need to keep them safe.

Part of me thinks the right thing to do for my kids would be to see him, get through an hour and take their money. Isn't that what a good mother would do? Grit my teeth and bear it for the chance to provide for my children? Is it selfish to refuse, when I know the impact it will have on my kids? It's dirty money but dirty money buys food and clothes just as good as clean money and I would rather die than ever let the kids know how I got it.

I don't know what to do. If I do it, I can provide for my babies who are so innocent and don't deserve any more pain.

Also, if I don't do it, the kids won't see their grandparents or extended family again. Right now I don't want them to be near those people but it should be MY CHOICE. Not another punishment for the kids.

I don't know what to do. I'm crying again but I cry all the time now. I can't talk to anyone about this in RL and my best friends have ghosted me since the news came out. I'm alone and scared of making the wrong choice.

I was going to ask, what should I do but I think we are past moral judgements. So my question is, what would you do? What price would you pay? I don't even care about my own mental health at this stage, that ship has sailed but it's like I physically cannot be in a room with him.

Thanks for reading, I'll answer any questions I can but if I can't, I'll say so and I hope you understand why.

Awesome job! Hope the flat viewings go ok

Well done you! Those dc are going to be fine with such a strong and sensible mum on their side. Hope you find a lovely flat

Your dignity and clear headedness under the most extreme pressure imaginable is simply amazing OP. Well done for handling that so well. All the very best to you and your children for your new life xx

You did something you didn't really want to do in order to secure a safe, healthy future environment for your children. I'd say you're a pretty bloody brilliant mum. Thinking of you - cannot imagine what you are going through but I think you need to be kind to yourself in that you aren't suffering traditional "who was I even married to" feelings, but rather actual grief. For losing a husband, a future you were sure of and the life you believed you were living. Look after yourself and believe me, your children will think you are amazing when they're older because, well, you are!

What an amazing woman you are. You deserve nothing but good things in your future, I hope so much you get them. You're a shining example to your children - or anyone, come to that. 💐

I am in awe of your stength and poise throughout this OP.

You are amazing and I think the call will give you and your kids proper closure.
Good luck for the future.

Well done, OP!

Delurkung because I just have to tell you OP, you are my motherfudging hero! Your kids will no doubt grow up to be awesome human beings with a role model like you.

Stay strong lady.

Im so sorry to read what you are going through. I have been in a similar situation to you where i had to expose someone in my family for horrific abuse. After i exposed them a whole string of victims came forward and gave evidence against them. I was not in your position financially but mentally i can relate to you. So putting everyone elses needs aside...you need to ask yourself this one question... You have two choics - Take the money, get through it and try to build a life with THAT money...or go it alone and try to build a life that you have built on your own by yourself and for yourself.. The question is..Which choice will make YOU happy. I wish you luck with your decision. Stick with the councelling..it really helps x

I just wanted to say I am I owe of your strength and dignity. It’s actually brought tears to my eyes reading how you have handled this. You’re a better person then I am.

I wish you well and you are the type of person who will make an amazing life for yourself and children, that shows through in this.

Just have to say what an amazing women you are, good luck to you and your children

Your strength and determination to do the best for your children is admirable. All the best for the future.

Jesus Fucking Christ. Who on earth is advising you? And at this vulnerable time as well?

Money is NOT everything. Not at all. It's easy for a single mother to be sucked into this way of thinking. I was. It's utter bollocks.

IF you see him, you will provide him with narcissistic supply. Fuel. As he observes your hurt, anger and distress.

Stand tall lovey lady. There is more to life than this. Be the example you wish to give to your children.

Your children are so lucky to have you

Renarde OP has spoken with him, not visited, and she's drawn a line under everything. She's already standing tall and can now go NC with him and his parents.

Oh op I'm heart sorry for you and your DC. I have been thinking about you a lot. Whatever you decide, be kind to yourself and remember none of this is your fault.

The OP is already standing so tall her head has a crown of fluffy white clouds and sunshine!

When you feel so bowed down and like you’re walking through the darkness, remember that somewhere else, in a whole load of peoples heads, OP, you are walking in the clouds. It’s not bloody fair but the way you’ve responded to all this awful stuff has been with grace and fortitude and strength... even if you also feel like a crying mess. And you can be all those things whilst going through a nightmare life experience, and then when you look back you get to see how kick ass you are, on balance. All the luck and strength and love in the world OP.

WellThisIsShit beautiful post. You made me cry. I hope the OP comes back and reads it, and remembers it when she needs it.