AIBU to take his family's dirty money? **Sensitive thread about child abuse - title edited by MNHQ**

[devastatedanon]

NC for reasons that will become very obvious. Identifying details removed. There are things I have had to leave out so please forgive me for not filling in some of the blanks.

I have been married for 11 years. Two kids and I'm six months pregnant with our much wanted third baby. Good job, nice house, adoring man.

It was all a lie. You are the first people I've told and even writing this out anonymously makes me want to vomit.

Three months ago the man I married (I can't call him DH or even husband) was arrested for viewing and storing child abuse images. We aren't talking about a few questionable pictures, ones he could argue he thought they were of age. Babies. Toddlers. Thousands of pictures and film clips. After the usual pathetic attempts at lying, he confessed and I've been told that due to the severity and amount, he is going away for a very long time.

Good.

As soon as he confessed, every feeling, every good memory I had of us as a family died. He became less than nothing to me. (I am seeing a therapist by the way, so are the kids, she is helping me cope with this boiling, violent rage I feel every time I think of his face)

I never want to see him again. Ever. He has been contacting me to beg for an hour of my time to "explain". As if there is anything he could say to explain away this horror, to minimise the fact he was an active participant in destroying the lives of those poor children. As if there is anything he could say to soften the fact he has destroyed my life, our babies lives.

He says he just wants an hour and then I can walk away but I "owe him this small thing".

I hope everyone will agree I ANBU when I say I can't/won't see him. I can't guarantee what I'd do. I can't and I won't and the idea I owe him ANYTHING is disgusting and repulsive.

Here's the AIBU. I dont have much family and nobody local, so his family have always been a big part of our lives. His parents are religious and have decided to love the sinner, hate the sin.

(I can't express how that makes me feel. I don't have the words for my anger and disgust)

They agree I owe him an hour and are haranguing me about it. You can imagine their arguments - it was "only" pictures, I need closure, we need to agree what to tell the children, I am being hormonal, I am selfish etc etc...

For the record, there stopped being a "we" the very second he admitted to his crimes. That's my closure and I will tell my children what I want (no idea what yet, one for the therapist to help me with).

I want to cut them out too. They disgust me now. I can't bear the idea of people who support that man being around my little ones. But... I lost my job and the house will go back to the bank soon. They have said they will give me the money he was due to inherit if I meet him. He won't need it where he is going. I need to feed my kids and more than ever, I need to keep them safe.

Part of me thinks the right thing to do for my kids would be to see him, get through an hour and take their money. Isn't that what a good mother would do? Grit my teeth and bear it for the chance to provide for my children? Is it selfish to refuse, when I know the impact it will have on my kids? It's dirty money but dirty money buys food and clothes just as good as clean money and I would rather die than ever let the kids know how I got it.

I don't know what to do. If I do it, I can provide for my babies who are so innocent and don't deserve any more pain.

Also, if I don't do it, the kids won't see their grandparents or extended family again. Right now I don't want them to be near those people but it should be MY CHOICE. Not another punishment for the kids.

I don't know what to do. I'm crying again but I cry all the time now. I can't talk to anyone about this in RL and my best friends have ghosted me since the news came out. I'm alone and scared of making the wrong choice.

I was going to ask, what should I do but I think we are past moral judgements. So my question is, what would you do? What price would you pay? I don't even care about my own mental health at this stage, that ship has sailed but it's like I physically cannot be in a room with him.

Thanks for reading, I'll answer any questions I can but if I can't, I'll say so and I hope you understand why.

Oh my god. I'm just sat here weeping. Every single person who replied, you have no idea how much it means to me. I have been so alone and frightened and if it wasn't for my children I don't think I could have gone on. I still feel panicky and terrified and broken but for the first time since it happened I don't feel like I'm completely alone. I'm just overwhelmed.

I was hoping/dreading that I'd get responses that were all the same. "Don't be an idiot! It's obvious, do/don't do it!". But hearing that other people are conflicted and can't say one way or the other, and hearing from people who are saying opposite things and making such valid points - it has proved that this isn't easy, there isn't a choice a Good Mother would instinctively make and I'm not being weak. It is shit and unfair and maybe there isn't a right answer.

I'll reply properly tomorrow, I've cried myself into exhaustion tonight but for once it's cathartic crying. It's shit. There isn't a good answer. Mumsnet says so!

Couple of quick responses -

Religion - I am not being hateful to any religion when I say his family give their religion a bad name. Very very judgey and they've never forgiven me for not raising my kids in their faith. I agree, they're hypocrites and if there is a God, I doubt he is impressed.

Screens/being accompanied - don't worry, it's a valid concern but there are lots of screens and people watching where he is. I couldn't see him alone if I wanted to. Thank god because my nightmare is that I just lose it and then... well, my kids have nobody to take care of them.

The money - they won't give me it before the visit. Not that they don't trust me, oh no dear, it's not that (insert fake laugh). Newsflash, I'm not stupid, it's exactly that. I didn't think of the solicitors agreement though, that's so smart. THANK YOU. They have said I'll get something for signing the paperwork to see him. Enough for food and the kids psychologist for a couple of weeks.

What the hell is wrong with them - I don't know. If I really push, I can say he's always been their favourite and I suppose they can't help him right now, if I was very very charitable I'd say they are levering their money e.g. what I need, to give their precious boy the one thing he "needs" right now. Urgh I feel sick trying to get in their heads but that would be my amazingly compassionate guess. I share the same suspicions that this is a trick and they will somehow use it against me.

Still don't know what to do but I feel lighter than I have in weeks. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You have helped me so much. Just words on a screen and I'm not super clever so I can't explain how much you've pushed me on.

OP, I just want to say that I have complete and total respect for you.

Whatever you choose to do is fine. You deserve no guilt either way.

If you decide to meet with him and take the money, you deserve no guilt: you are providing for your children and building a new life for them. You have not sold yourself; you have done nothing to be ashamed of.

If you decide not to meet with him, you deserve no guilt: you are not letting them down; you have done nothing to be ashamed of.

You are, either way and whatever else, putting wellness and health and love and family first. You are building a safe space for you and for your kids. However you choose to do that, you are to be admired for your strength and integrity. My best to you.

Oh God, OP. I'm so, so sorry this has happened to you.

I would agree, take the money for your children up front, and leave. As compensation for the damage that man has done to your children and to you.

And if for any reason you finally decide or have to see him, in no way does it mean that "you have a price". It's doing what you need to do for your children. It doesn't mean anything if you don't want it to - just a sham, a farce.

I'd probably do it- but I'd want it in writing that the money would be transferred afterwards. Out the house up for sale, off social media, and leave. It's their choice to support their son- you can't make a judgment on that. But for he sake of stability and a fresh start? Even if I hated myself for having a price, I'd do it for them.

I would agree only if the money was paid to me before seeing him and no other terms considered.
This is a way to escape these people forever and no-one would think any less of you for doing so.

Do you have a pastor/faith leader of your own that you trust? If not can you find one in real life to talk to?

If so I’d ask the faith leader you trust to accompany you to speak with the PILs about the situation. They are not dealing with this in a way that people of faith should, by putting conditions that minimise the severity of your ex’s actions on the inheritance and well being of your children and their grandchildren.

If not I’d find a faith leader and confide, and make this happen. Alongside your therapist perhaps too. No church I’ve ever been to has EVER acted like this is the way to deal with things and so I would guess they’ve done a bit of self rationalisation to make their faith meet their obligations as parents of a ‘wrong un’ here.

You should not be forced to undergo an ordeal such as this to ‘earn’ a life for your children which would otherwise be denied you all id you don’t oblige.

Bless you, it sounds like a terrible place to be and I hope to God you’re able to come out the other side one day very soon not be living this nightmare.

OP, I really don't know what to advise, but I wish you all the best.

They have said I'll get something for signing the paperwork to see him. Enough for food and the kids psychologist for a couple of weeks.

Awk Jesus, they’re all heart aren’t they? Giving their grandchildren enough food for a couple of weeks.

The money - they won't give me it before the visit.

Then no way!! They’re bluffing. They won’t give you it at all, they’ll keep attaching more conditions.

Insist on the money upfront first and put it into a property, go and see him with support, stare ahead and do not give him the satisfaction of a reaction or a word, stand up, turn and walk away, move to another area, start afresh and wipe the memory of him and his family from your lives. You need to put your children's future first.

I share the same suspicions that this is a trick and they will somehow use it against me.

Trust your gut!! You know these people, those thoughts are in your head for a reason. If you trusted them you wouldn’t be thinking it.

Just read your update. So no money upfront. Not really surprising, coming from this scum.

I THINK I would accept to see him only after making his family sign a solicitor's agreement, as PPs have said. And then treat the entire thing as a charade, as much as possible - a bureaucratic requirement you need to go through. A farce which means absolutely nothing to you. And of course bringing someone with you to support you.

And I agree with PPs. I am in complete awe and admiration of you. Your children are lucky to have such a strong, good mother.

I absolutely would refuse to see him unless money up front. Better still get the money up front and then disappear with the children.

@IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan

I hate to say this and it makes me feel bad but... I would totally take the money and not do the visit. They have to know that. They're still cheap, nasty scumbags but they aren't technically wrong not to trust me. It frightens me how quickly they've gone from fairly loving grandparents to negotiating about money for food shopping seemingly overnight. I guess I never knew them, either. It really was all a lie

I would say do it.

Do it for your children's future. Money doesn't make you happier but far better to be unhappy with financial security than unhappy and poor to boot.
The money goes into an escrow account before you meet so you can be sure it will be there after without any more strings attached.

You meet with your choice of mediator as a third party.
Any future meetings with GPs ILs etc. is to be decided afterwards.
Your ex has possibly come by these predilections as a result of his upbringing and therefore, as somebody above has said, they should not have unaccompanied access to your children.
You may have an uncomfortable surprise ahead when he is sentenced, often the punishment to these crimes is a lot lower than one would expect especially if he is helpful to the investigation by implicating those above him in the chain.

I would grit my teeth do the hour get the money then move far away from the lot of them. You are not to blame you aren't the first person to find themselves in this position and sadly won't be the last.

I hate to say this and it makes me feel bad but... I would totally take the money and not do the visit.

That’s the only way I would take it. I would take it and run. Get away from these people. Change your bloody name if you have to. No way would I take it and then go and visit him.

I would like to think I wouldn't do it, I would feel conflicted as you do, I would start to lose track of what was real to be honest.

My heart goes out to you, but as a bystander in your life on a forum, I'd say go, leave, don't take the money, go on benefits or do whatever you need to do, but never see any of them again. I bet there is more to this "just one hour visit" than meets the eye.

Stick to your guns OP. Money up front to a solicitor to be released to you upon conclusion of the meeting. No strings. That's the only way I would ever agree to do this. You know you can't trust them to do the decent thing

I don't think I'd do it because I wouldn't be able to get it out of my head (or the sick taste in my mouth) and that's if they stick to the agreement. There's no guarantee they will and I think you'll feel even worse if you go through with it and then don't get the money you need. Imagine if they then want more, you've jumped through one hoop so how many more will there be before you cut your losses?
It gives them power over you. If you can get a contract drawn up so they cannot back out, perhaps the money sits in a holding account until you fulfill your end so they can't take it back? I don't know if this is possible but I'd want something so they can't change their minds.
Having said that if they care about their GC at all then they'd just give it to you, no strings attached. Even then you'd have to decide whether to take it and that's bad enough but an easier decision to make. You'd think the fact they're religious might make them more compassionate towards you and your children instead of trying to control you ffs.
As hard as it is I would plan for there to be no money and hope that one day when they're all dead your DC will inherit.

Do the hour, take less than you deserve (because money can't repair this, for you or your children when they eventually learn what happened, and they will it will destroy them), move forward and far away.

What a horrendous situation to be in op. My heart really does go out to you.

I would go. I would spend the hour telling him what a despicable cunt he is. He wouldn’t have a chance to get a word in. I would fulfil the requirements of the parents but I wouldn’t listen to his attempt at reasoning because it’s not something that I could ever consider to be reasonable. Once the money to secure my children’s future was secure then I would go on a similar rant at his parents too. How fucking dare they do this to you?

Whatever you decide will be the right decision for you and your family. You know what you’re going to do already. You’ve done nothing wrong here and there’s no need for any guilt on your part.

I can see why they wouldn't give the money to you in advance, but it's very reasonable for them to be required to deposit it with someone like a solicitor with irrevocable instructions to transfer it to you as soon as a neutral third party has confirmed that it has taken place. I assume your husband is in prison? Perhaps the prison authorities can give the necessary confirmation.

I think you should tell these people that you will do it, but they need to pay the money up front to a solicitor, to be released to you immediately after the visit, so that they can't change their mind or add any further conditions. See what their reaction is.

Reading your updates: You won't get the money from them - you will get it doled out in tiny chunks with the rest dangled in front of you until you agree to...
You know where that one's going.

OK, I despise all religions anyway (despite knowing some lovely people who have a belief in a deity) but I suspect these people belong to one of those sects which believes that, basically, adult men are human and women and children are the property of adult men. So they consider it more 'wrong' for you to reject this criminal, because he is your owner and you Made Vows, than for him to have committed his crimes.

For now, contact one of the groups for families of prisoners for practical help. You don't need to give details of the crime, but it's not unusual for the family of a prisoner to need help regarding housing, money etc.

Money first, deeded so it can't be undone. Then just sit silently and stare at him for the hour.

Get a lawyer.