AIBU to take his family's dirty money? **Sensitive thread about child abuse - title edited by MNHQ**

[devastatedanon]

NC for reasons that will become very obvious. Identifying details removed. There are things I have had to leave out so please forgive me for not filling in some of the blanks.

I have been married for 11 years. Two kids and I'm six months pregnant with our much wanted third baby. Good job, nice house, adoring man.

It was all a lie. You are the first people I've told and even writing this out anonymously makes me want to vomit.

Three months ago the man I married (I can't call him DH or even husband) was arrested for viewing and storing child abuse images. We aren't talking about a few questionable pictures, ones he could argue he thought they were of age. Babies. Toddlers. Thousands of pictures and film clips. After the usual pathetic attempts at lying, he confessed and I've been told that due to the severity and amount, he is going away for a very long time.

Good.

As soon as he confessed, every feeling, every good memory I had of us as a family died. He became less than nothing to me. (I am seeing a therapist by the way, so are the kids, she is helping me cope with this boiling, violent rage I feel every time I think of his face)

I never want to see him again. Ever. He has been contacting me to beg for an hour of my time to "explain". As if there is anything he could say to explain away this horror, to minimise the fact he was an active participant in destroying the lives of those poor children. As if there is anything he could say to soften the fact he has destroyed my life, our babies lives.

He says he just wants an hour and then I can walk away but I "owe him this small thing".

I hope everyone will agree I ANBU when I say I can't/won't see him. I can't guarantee what I'd do. I can't and I won't and the idea I owe him ANYTHING is disgusting and repulsive.

Here's the AIBU. I dont have much family and nobody local, so his family have always been a big part of our lives. His parents are religious and have decided to love the sinner, hate the sin.

(I can't express how that makes me feel. I don't have the words for my anger and disgust)

They agree I owe him an hour and are haranguing me about it. You can imagine their arguments - it was "only" pictures, I need closure, we need to agree what to tell the children, I am being hormonal, I am selfish etc etc...

For the record, there stopped being a "we" the very second he admitted to his crimes. That's my closure and I will tell my children what I want (no idea what yet, one for the therapist to help me with).

I want to cut them out too. They disgust me now. I can't bear the idea of people who support that man being around my little ones. But... I lost my job and the house will go back to the bank soon. They have said they will give me the money he was due to inherit if I meet him. He won't need it where he is going. I need to feed my kids and more than ever, I need to keep them safe.

Part of me thinks the right thing to do for my kids would be to see him, get through an hour and take their money. Isn't that what a good mother would do? Grit my teeth and bear it for the chance to provide for my children? Is it selfish to refuse, when I know the impact it will have on my kids? It's dirty money but dirty money buys food and clothes just as good as clean money and I would rather die than ever let the kids know how I got it.

I don't know what to do. If I do it, I can provide for my babies who are so innocent and don't deserve any more pain.

Also, if I don't do it, the kids won't see their grandparents or extended family again. Right now I don't want them to be near those people but it should be MY CHOICE. Not another punishment for the kids.

I don't know what to do. I'm crying again but I cry all the time now. I can't talk to anyone about this in RL and my best friends have ghosted me since the news came out. I'm alone and scared of making the wrong choice.

I was going to ask, what should I do but I think we are past moral judgements. So my question is, what would you do? What price would you pay? I don't even care about my own mental health at this stage, that ship has sailed but it's like I physically cannot be in a room with him.

Thanks for reading, I'll answer any questions I can but if I can't, I'll say so and I hope you understand why.

I wouldn't judge you either way, but my gut feeling is to block these people, who are as evil as their son to put you in this position. I wouldn't trust them to be true to their word. They're already adding conditions (enough money for a couple of sessions and food..), and will keep you trapped in their web for as long as they can. They've already decided your ex is most important.

I know it's easy for me to say, but I'd write to them and say how disgusted I was at them for adding to the stress and anguish you and the children feel by blackmailing you, knowing that you and the children have been put in a terrible financial position due to their son, yet only offering to help if their, disgustingly cruel, visitation conditions are met. Tell them that you may not have their so called faith, but you do have morals. Tell them that you feel you should take the children as far away as possible from this twisted family and never look back. And tell them you hope that their God is watching how dreadfully they are behaving toward someone already suffering. Tell them to enjoy their wealth. Then I would block them and get whatever help you can elsewhere for you and your children to get back on your feet.

I am so sorry you’re having to go through something like this. You will find out who your real friends are when things like this happen . Know that you’re not alone ....even though it may look like it. I would get it in writing... Take the money .... change my name & disappear with the kids. You can start again...without all of them.

It would have been his inheritance, well he is dead to you, so go for the hour, and walk away with your rightful inheritance and make a new life for you and your children. Then divorce him and take him for every single thing you can. I’m so very sorry that you’re going through this

OP I hope your therapist has some specific expertise in this field and that the police or children's social care have pointed you in the direction of expert help. Just in case they haven't the Lucy Faithful foundation can be really helpful and depending on where you live Circles South East does work in this area as do the NSPCC again only in some areas (the program is called Woman as protectors) It can be really helpful when some of the shock has died down to understand how sex offenders behave, how they make it okay for themselves, patterns around the rest of the family etc. Denial is the most frequent first response unlike your very impressive and protective response. Unless your in laws can move from their first response they will pose a risk to your dc but it sounds like you are well aware of that. You don't have to go through this alone, it is a surprisingly common situation just one hardly talked about. You are doing great.

The money isn't dirty (your inlaws are pretty skanky though). It's not been made at a cost to others and you visiting him isn't a vile act. You can go for all sorts of reasons, it doesn't mean you support his actions in any way.

I think I would probably do it, providing there was a guarantee I would get the money (and I wouldn't trust his parents' word, it would need to be money in some form of escrow). But I don't think I would react to the situation quite the way you have, so it would (I think) be less hard for me. I've dealt with people who have committed those types of crimes in a professional capacity and I can compartmentalise quite well. Who knows until they're actually tested though.

But if I was you, I'm not so sure. You dismiss your own mental health in your post, but you need to be a bit more savvy than that. Your children only have you to rely on now and your mental health is critical to their happiness. So I would suggest putting far more value on that and definitely not doing it if you think it is at all likely to make it harder for you to cope. Enough money is important to a good life, but not as important as your mind.

Whether you do it or not, cut his parents off. Their treatment of you and their grandchildren is vile.

Chocolate1984 Fri 07-Sep-18 23:29:03
I’d take the money. See him, say good bye, take the cash and get on with your life. It’s one less worry.
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I agree with the above.
Bless you, it is tragic you and your family have to go through all this.
To be in a financial mess as well will not help and you have a legitimate way out of it.

In time you will be less disgusted with his parents, they are in pain too and have found a way of dealing with it so they can go on with their lives. It's not going to stop justice being done, he will have to serve his time.

No, you do not meet him. You've said you want them out of your life you will never have them out of your life if they have given you money. They are horrible people only agreeing to help their grandchildren if you see him. If I was them id be offering you the money in exchange for maintaining a relationship with the grandchildren. Stick by your guns, teach your children that morality comes first.

His family are being very manipulative, I would not trust them at all. Find a solictor of YOUR choosing and get them to pay for an agreement being set up.
I take it this is money he is due to inherit from them on their death and they will hand it to you early? If it is an inheritance he has already recieved you may be die half on divorce anyway and his family would have bo rights to promise it to you, likewise if the person hasn't died yet it could easily be changed post agreement.
If you can get an agreement in writing I would do it. Eventually at some point he will be out of prison and knowing he was coming out to less money and therefore a less comfortable life because of me would be enough to give him an hour. The fact it means you and your children can continue with a relatively normal life would be enough to make me do it even whilst repulsed to the core.
I would fully expect his family to renege on this deal if they can so please make sure any legal help or agreements you get are only completed by third party independent solicitors you choose. Do not trust any of these people.

I am so sorry OP for what you are going tgrough. I can't say I would trust your in laws as they seem to be putting a lot of conditions...only do it if they give you the money ahead xx I agree with others that this money isn't dirty however in-laws are playing dirty tricks.

I personally could not do it. I would tell them if they want that money to go to their grandchildren, then they can put it in trust for each of them.

You are heavily pregnant, incredibly vulnerable, both emotionally and psychologically and the last thing you need is for all the distress, pain, anger, disgust and hatred to surface even more! You have three children to think of, two who will be very confused and distressed that they suddenly no longer have their Daddy. The third, has been growing inside you, during likely the most distressing and stressful time of your life! They need to come first! In which case, I would not be meeting your ex.

My other concern is that they want you to sign something, whatever you do, DO NOT sign ANYTHING without the presence of and advice from your solicitor. It seems they are laying down breadcrumbs, it will be, oh just meet him for an hour and you can have x amount of money, then it will be no money unless you promise us access to the children. Then they will want you to go to court to support their son, then it will be ‘you owe it to X to let him meet his own baby’. These people are manipulative and most likely narcissists. I wouldn’t want them anywhere near my children.

Do you have family who live further away? I would be considering moving as far away from your ex and his family as possible.I would revert to your maiden name and look at changing the children’s surnames too.

I am so, so sorry that you are going through this. I cannot even begin to imagine the horrors you have had to hear from the police and your panic and horrific fear when you thought he had abused your precious babies.

I (not that I or anybody else has the right to judge! There is no right or wrong in your situation, it is all black or grey)won’t judge you if you go for the meeting and accept the money. If you do (and on the slim chance that your outlaws are not blackmailing, demanding access to your children or leading you up the garden path) I would use the money to move to the other side of the country and make a fresh start. Sending some very unmumsnetty hugs to you, does your G.P and midwife know the stress you are under?

I would take the money on condition that they:

First, they have to verify via your solicitor they have the money immediately available once the visit has taken place (so no having to sell properties first, liquidating assets etc. You would want that money immediately)

Second, no further conditions (that you stay in the area, keep in touch etc), I would not want to agree to anything else at this stage as you don’t know what you will feel going forward.

Third that your solicitor draws up a cast iron agreement that they have to pay the money once the meeting has taken place.

I’d draw up a support sheet with your therapist about how to deal with anything that comes up during the meeting.

Personally I could never keep in touch with these people going forward. I don’t believe any relatives are better than no relatives. They sound toxic from the way you describe their behaviour towards their son. And the fact they are making you jump through hoops to get financial support. I’d cut off ties once you have the money and move away to somewhere where you can make a fresh start, meet new, more supportive friends, and keep up with the therapy to support you. None of this situation is your fault. You deserve to come out of it with not having lost more than your faith in this terrible man. Good luck OP.

That's dirty money OP. I wouldn't be paid to do that.
Your DC's will find out in years to come. You are being bought.
You won't have an ounce of dignity left and all self respect will have gone.
Do the right thing.

Horrible post Monty.

Why?
I wouldn't have him near me.

What a difficult decision, I really feel for you op How much money are you talking about? At first I thought that it was going to be thousands but from your update it seems more like a few hundred. Why is this meeting so important to them? I'm guessing that they might try and get you to forgive him.

HI OP, I have just been reading your posts about your terrible and heartbreaking situation. Its more than horrible, just a nightmare. I think that you have written brilliantly well about your thoughts and feelings, concerning this most disturbing and horrible ordeal that you have.

I am not sure what I would do, regarding the money matters. I would not wish to see the man in question, and would be worried about the in laws being all conniving now, basing this on some of the comments you have given about them.

Its easy to say this, but I really wish the best outcome for you and your children eventually..Keep getting help. and talking about things, this always will help.

Silence money.

It's not dirty money, but they are dirty people - who in their right minds would be prepared to actively manipulate the mother of their grandchildren, who are already suffering due to the actions pf thwir son?

OP, no judgement from me no matter what you decide, but I think its also very important that you stop judging yourself - taking the money doesnt make you weak or dirty. Not taking it doesnt make you stupid. Their are valid considerations on both sides but ultimately it is you and your children who have to live with the outcome. So ask yourself what will be the least damaging course of action for you? I have no doubt that the road ahead will be incredibly difficult regardless, but gou sound like a strong woman, a wonderful mother, and have already made good choices (e.g. therapists). Trust yourself. And dont judge or guilt yourself, whichever choice you make. Good luck.

ODFOD Monty

Be as smug and self sacrocant as you like behind a screen

OP did nothing to deserve this and you don't get to guilt her

How the actual fuck is it silence money if he's been fucking arrested?

The right thing is not the right thing because some moralising short sighted ignorant moron says it is

Do it. Take the money. You owe your kids a settled life after his distruction of your family. Money buys stability. Your hour can be telling him how disgusting he is, what he destroyed.

No moral.judgment here but I wouldn't see him without getting the money to help yours and childrens' future first.

Then at 1st opportunity I'd quietly sell the house and move to a far away area. These aren't people to be around your children. You 'owe' this disgusting man nothing. You've got the news coming out and likely being in local press to get through as yet

Sorry OP, how terrible for you. You've done nothing wrong it's him that has, so always keep that in mind

Oh for God's sake the OP is not 'being bought' if she negotiates to nail down this money - I second the escrow option.

The OP has done nothing wrong. Her children have done nothing wrong. She has no income stream of her own and Universal Credit is rapidly turning the benefits landscape to utter shit.

It is not supporting the piece of shit to go and meet him for one hour. It's not as if there is anything he can say to make the OP waver. The relationship is over and the OP will never see him again. Seeing him for an hour, letting him speak, is simply playing the shitty cards she has been dealt so that she and her kids can get away and begin to recover.

Something as simple as finding somewhere to live could be next to impossible with no cash lump or bank statements proving a salary. Pregnant and two children already here. They all need stability and safety and comfort, not emergency housing in a grotty B and B.

The OP is not compromising her integrity IN ANY WAY if she can manage to get this money, for the security of her children and herself, when they are all so vulnerable.

If the OP feels it would really damage her mental health to have to meet him in person - then that is a different matter. Her feelings are perfectly valid.

But it's unhelpful bullshit to lay it on so thick about it being 'dirty money' or she's 'being bought'.

@Monty27
I think your post was needlessly emotionally manipulative and not what the OP needs right now.

I don’t think she would lose any dignity by going, nor do I think her children would judge her harshly for it (I’d say the opposite). I don’t think the OP should lose any self respect either.

If it’s too painful for the OP to go, or would damage her mental health too much, or if she just won’t abide the financial manipulation, fine, that’s her call.

But her going to meet him would not, in any way, validate what he has done. She could reasonably respond to each and every piece of his bullshit with “You’re dead to me”.

In the (twisted) circumstances, I think going, so that her kids won’t be hungry or homeless and can make a fresh start, would show strength. I do not blame the OP if she does not have it in her though.

And re. your second post, it isn’t silence money at all. She can condemn him in the meeting and condemn him afterwards.

Whatever the OP chooses, I don’t think there’s a right or wrong decision.

How long will he be going away for if there's no evidence he did anything physical? This may be less than you think. What child visitation rights will he have when he comes out? Do the grandparents have any visitation rights?

The parents are stuck between a rock and a hard place and are doing what they think is best. They will want to retain contact with the kids so they can keep him informed. You'll have to decide what to do - perhaps wait a few weeks for things to settle before deciding. The gps haven't done anything wrong but are trying to support him and help the kids - it's probably worth retaining a relationship with them to help financially - you can always cut ties later if they become a pain.

I would do it, but I would get a lawyer to arrange it and attend the visit. I would practice being a grey rock beforehand.