AIBU to take his family's dirty money? **Sensitive thread about child abuse - title edited by MNHQ**

[devastatedanon]

NC for reasons that will become very obvious. Identifying details removed. There are things I have had to leave out so please forgive me for not filling in some of the blanks.

I have been married for 11 years. Two kids and I'm six months pregnant with our much wanted third baby. Good job, nice house, adoring man.

It was all a lie. You are the first people I've told and even writing this out anonymously makes me want to vomit.

Three months ago the man I married (I can't call him DH or even husband) was arrested for viewing and storing child abuse images. We aren't talking about a few questionable pictures, ones he could argue he thought they were of age. Babies. Toddlers. Thousands of pictures and film clips. After the usual pathetic attempts at lying, he confessed and I've been told that due to the severity and amount, he is going away for a very long time.

Good.

As soon as he confessed, every feeling, every good memory I had of us as a family died. He became less than nothing to me. (I am seeing a therapist by the way, so are the kids, she is helping me cope with this boiling, violent rage I feel every time I think of his face)

I never want to see him again. Ever. He has been contacting me to beg for an hour of my time to "explain". As if there is anything he could say to explain away this horror, to minimise the fact he was an active participant in destroying the lives of those poor children. As if there is anything he could say to soften the fact he has destroyed my life, our babies lives.

He says he just wants an hour and then I can walk away but I "owe him this small thing".

I hope everyone will agree I ANBU when I say I can't/won't see him. I can't guarantee what I'd do. I can't and I won't and the idea I owe him ANYTHING is disgusting and repulsive.

Here's the AIBU. I dont have much family and nobody local, so his family have always been a big part of our lives. His parents are religious and have decided to love the sinner, hate the sin.

(I can't express how that makes me feel. I don't have the words for my anger and disgust)

They agree I owe him an hour and are haranguing me about it. You can imagine their arguments - it was "only" pictures, I need closure, we need to agree what to tell the children, I am being hormonal, I am selfish etc etc...

For the record, there stopped being a "we" the very second he admitted to his crimes. That's my closure and I will tell my children what I want (no idea what yet, one for the therapist to help me with).

I want to cut them out too. They disgust me now. I can't bear the idea of people who support that man being around my little ones. But... I lost my job and the house will go back to the bank soon. They have said they will give me the money he was due to inherit if I meet him. He won't need it where he is going. I need to feed my kids and more than ever, I need to keep them safe.

Part of me thinks the right thing to do for my kids would be to see him, get through an hour and take their money. Isn't that what a good mother would do? Grit my teeth and bear it for the chance to provide for my children? Is it selfish to refuse, when I know the impact it will have on my kids? It's dirty money but dirty money buys food and clothes just as good as clean money and I would rather die than ever let the kids know how I got it.

I don't know what to do. If I do it, I can provide for my babies who are so innocent and don't deserve any more pain.

Also, if I don't do it, the kids won't see their grandparents or extended family again. Right now I don't want them to be near those people but it should be MY CHOICE. Not another punishment for the kids.

I don't know what to do. I'm crying again but I cry all the time now. I can't talk to anyone about this in RL and my best friends have ghosted me since the news came out. I'm alone and scared of making the wrong choice.

I was going to ask, what should I do but I think we are past moral judgements. So my question is, what would you do? What price would you pay? I don't even care about my own mental health at this stage, that ship has sailed but it's like I physically cannot be in a room with him.

Thanks for reading, I'll answer any questions I can but if I can't, I'll say so and I hope you understand why.

Awful dilemma. Personally I would take the money, listen to his crap, then tell him in no uncertain terms what you think of the disgusting piece of scum.

A close friend of mine faced a similar nightmare, but without the money issue. Husband arrested - what to tell the children, how to deal with his family, who she was close to and relied on for childcare.

She never saw her ExH again, but is still close to his mother and other relatives of his. They just don't discuss him or his crimes, ever. She still sees MIL regularly but he is simply never mentioned. Child 1 was young when it happened and was just told 'Daddy did a bad thing and can't live with mummy any more.' Child 2 was old enough to be told the truth and didn't want to see him again. Child 1 initially had supervised contact but later it dwindled to nothing. My friend went through a horrendous time - she realised she was living with a complete stranger all the time, she had no idea who he really was. You have my sympathies, OP.

You don't owe him, or his family, anything.
You choosing not to meet with him for an hour has zero bearing on his familys decision about whether to be involved in your children's lives. Zero. You are not responsible for how they justify or make their decisions about that and it is wrong for them to push that decision onto you.

It is a common justification of abusers that it was ' only' pictures, and that there is some sort of hierarchy of abusers, where the 'real' abusers are always someone else, someone lower. His family might have opted in to that narrative because they can't face the alternative. Thats their choice. You don't have to make that choice. What your Ex DH did facilitated, encouraged, paid for, provided a market for, child abuse. You know that, from your reaction. You don't owe them or him anything. Yes it could be tough financially if your children are effectively blackmailed out of inheritance over this, but would you want to be explaining in ten years time where this money came from and why?

Fwiw OP I am relieved and humbled by your strength of opinion in this, and I can't begin to imagine what you're going through. I say that as someone who works with both victims and perpetrators of sexual abuse, so I'm probably more aware and accepting of grey areas than the average joe. But the things that stand out to me from your post were the length and extent of the secrecy and the volume and nature of the content. Many people stand by abusers because they're conflicted or can't fathom life alone, or can't accept that the person they love did such things. It takes an exceptionally strong person to see and accept what has happened that quickly and cut off from it. Your children are lucky to have you and I hope you have some support for yourself.

Ignoring everything else just for a moment, do you really think they will give you their sons inheritance? Really? Cos that sounds pretty unlikely to me.

Lots of empathy Devastatedanon. I'd tell them to stuff their money where sun don't shine etc. Their holding that over you - make sure you tell twats that you're children will never be allowed near them again because of their attitude 'it's only pictures'. F**k the bastards.
So sorry for all the sh*t you're going through.

Bloody hell what a dilemma - like a pp said the money is not in and of itself bad since it's not the proceeds of any crime and it's not his money. But it is something he will benefit from.

They are so so wrong to put you in this position, it's a terrible thing they are asking you to do because they clearly don't care about how torn you are between the need to provide for your dc and the guilt you may have to live with by going through with this. And they're already minimising the horror of what he did. What guarantees would you have that they would pay you and that there wouldn't be further demands, maybe even to see your children, down the line?

There'd be no judgment from me, OP, whatever you decide but I'm not the one who has to live with your decision. If you do decide to take the money do, as pps have advised, get something in writing and do get it up front making it clear this is the only and last time you will ever do anything for them or him.

Of course they shouldn't attach strings to the money but they have so there's no point going on about it.

Get the money upfront.

Go and meet him. Don't stay for an hour. Stay for ten minutes. Say nothing.

Start a whole new life with the money, preferably in a different country.

Either way you are not being unreasonable. You haven't done anything wrong.

I can't begin to imagine what pain you are suffering OP. If the money means you can start again somewhere new away from these hideous morally bankrupt people and be able to provide security for yourself and your children then do not feel guilt. Insist the money goes into an account only you have access to and ensure it is cleared and irrevocable in advance of the meeting.

Use the opportunity to tell the piece of slime exactly what you think of him. Use it to tell him that he means less than nothing to you and he will never be seeing you or the children ever again.

OP Eek over typos they're etc. Hope you got gist - I was just seriously livid at their demands!

I don't think you have a price as you say. I don't think you have anything to feel bad about in taking the money. Your children have been let down by the very person they should have always been able to trust in the most horrific of ways. If something can come from that that will allow them to grow up safe and happy, grab it. Grab hold of it with both hands and take it.

Go and see him. It's not jut a chance for him to talk, but you too. Tell him what he has done to your family. To his children. Then walk away with your head held high knowing you are an amazing mother doing the right thing in providing for her children.

Sadly I've watched someone go through an almost identical situation. I think before you do this please contact someone who can give you the legal run down on what may happen next. Maybe a support group, police or even a solicitor. From the experience I've witnessed I don't think the one meeting will mean he or his family will go away You may find he won't go to prison for as long as you may be expecting and he will still have legal rights as a father throughout and after .. something that really surprised me. I do want to say the person who went through the same is doing amazing now as are her children. You and your family can come through this.

Take the money! Turn this situation around and see it as a final ‘fuck you’ to him and his disgustingly supportive family. Take control of the situation, abuse your power and take the money and run. He’s done a good job at ruining your life, the money will make the recovery easier. Walk in to that hour with him with your head held high knowing that you are there purely for the money and the fresh start for your children. Take pride in yourself for doing it rather than feeling guilty.

But absolutely get it agreed in writing or paid in advance. Otherwise I guarantee there will be another caveat applied to getting the money after you’ve done your hour.

What money?
There is no money, they are not offering OP a cheque.

I would take the money.
You and your children have suffered enough.
You have a way to get rid of a major worry- because no matter what the bastard has done - you still need to feed and clothe and house your children.
It’s a big price to pay but nothing much in this life is easy. This is something you need to do as a mother- you know how much easier it will make your children’s life and you know that it’s going to be hard enough for them as it is. So for one lousy hour you can earn enough to protect your children. It gives you enough to move away so they won’t be pointed at, where the kids at their schools don’t know what their daddy did. You HAVE to protect them as best you can- but you already know this don’t you? It’s a bitter pill but you need to swallow it.

Obviously we don’t know when you last saw the bastard but the last time he ever sees you will be as you walk out of his life forever , into the distance with your children to financial freedom.

I would however insist that the money is paid to a solicitor and held there by the firm before you go to the appointment. Then, have it transferred to you with no strings attached.

I have no words of comfort as I’m sure they would feel shallow. But I’m disgusted at your ‘ friends’ who have melted away.

Would it help (if those of us who want to ) if we tell you the area in which we live- if somebody is close to you then you could pm them and maybe meet up? Maybe a new friend who does not know him is what you need- someone who knows what has happened , not by local gossip, but by your own words on here.
I live in North Yorkshire. And I make great cake.

I quote this a lot on here but my mum says “ what we cannot change we have to accept”. You cannot change what he has done. But you are in charge now of your own life and you do what is best for you and your kids.
I wish - from the bottom of my heart- that one day you find peace and happiness and that your kids come through this as best as anyone could hope for. They have you and you have them- they are safe and loved- and whatever you decide to do remember that there’s always people like me on here ready to listen and support you as best you can.

Oh you poor thing.
You deserve every bit of help you can get.
If you can get the money up front, go in with earplugs or whatever, then go as far as you can with your kids, please do that.
A person who would hold that against you isn't worth having in your life.

Would it help (if those of us who want to ) if we tell you the area in which we live- if somebody is close to you then you could pm them and maybe meet up?

Don’t do this OP! You have no idea who anyone is on here.

I don’t trust them to give you the money. I’d ask them where Love the sinner, hate the sin and punish the grandchildren comes from Christian values.

Don't go. They're trying to manipulate you by using your children. They'll be able to twist the situation by saying you met him after he'd been charged so it couldn't have been that bad, could it, and so on.

Do you have a police contact? It might be worth telling them of this offer as it might be seen as being coercive.

Remember, you and your children have done nothing wrong, don’t feel guilty for wanting to give them a fresh start, the money is from his family not him, they too are not guilty and have lost the son they thought they had and must also be going through hell. Go see him, let him see the hatred & loathing in your eyes, take the money and try as hard as you can to start over. They sound like they want to help you.
I wish you well

I would message them and say basically if you gave a shit about the future of your grandchildren, you would be helping them willingly. You wouldn't be trying to emotionally blackmail and bribe me to go and see your son. Instead, it seems that the road you are taking is to ignore that they face homelessness in support of your son, who is guilty of the crimes as you know.
I am saddened that you are backing him fully. There is no explanation for the crimes he has committed, and so a meeting with him for him to explain is futile.

I would keep everything to messages so if at some point they try and twist everything you can say hang on a minute..

Slightly OT but can you sell the house before the bank does? Have you talked to them? Sorry, I know it isn't your question here but financially it's better to be in control of the sale.

I think those of us with experience, albeit with a wee bit more distance to the perp, of this sort of complete [can't think of the right word] really feel for you.

I'm not sure what I'd do. I'm still so furious with my own rellie, I don't trust myself not to be violent or abusive & I don't want to go there.

Maybe tell them to pay the mortgage!

I’m just jumping in at the end, been in a similar but not as horrific situation.
I’d ask for the money up front, once the cheque is cleared do what you like.
If you need to justify it say that your kids would have inherited it anyway and, yup, he won’t need it.

As a victim, I'd like to say that I wouldn't look down on you for taking the money. I'd see it as you getting yourself and your children out of an horrendous situation.

I can't comment to legalities, or anything else beyond saying, you are not to blame. This is not your crime. Do what is best for you (mentally, financially, or otherwise) and just focus on you and the kids.

God, how bloody awful and sad. You poor woman.

If you can get the money upfront, or at minimum an enforceable agreement, I would consider it. For your children and their future. It does not sound like their grandparents will change, and you don't want that attitude in your future lives, so this would be the end of it with them.

As to seeing him, take someone with you - you don't have to look at him (I could not either). It might feel good to get to say some of the things you want to, it might be better to stay completely silent and just let him talk. I did not say listen, because nothing he has to say will change how you feel. I get that. I like the idea of wearing earplugs.

The money would let you make a new start. A new life. Perhaps worth it. Only you can tell though. My stomach hurts for you. So sorry!

What an awful situation for you to be in, OP. I truly can't advise you, but, speaking as an SA survivor, I wouldn't at all criticise you if you decided to see your ex. He is the one who is guilty not you; all you would be doing is what you feel is right for the sake of your DC, and being a good mum.

The only thing I would say is, are you emotionally able to do it? Seeing him again will be really hard for you. Maybe taking a close friend with you would help? And if at any stage you're uncomfortable about meeting him, you should feel perfectly free to pull out.

His family are despicable for putting you in this position.

I'd be worried that they're that certain of their logic in forgiving him that they believe if you only had this hour, you would feel the same way and that the money would be dependent on their desired outcome of the hour rather than the hour itself.