AIBU to take his family's dirty money? **Sensitive thread about child abuse - title edited by MNHQ**

[devastatedanon]

NC for reasons that will become very obvious. Identifying details removed. There are things I have had to leave out so please forgive me for not filling in some of the blanks.

I have been married for 11 years. Two kids and I'm six months pregnant with our much wanted third baby. Good job, nice house, adoring man.

It was all a lie. You are the first people I've told and even writing this out anonymously makes me want to vomit.

Three months ago the man I married (I can't call him DH or even husband) was arrested for viewing and storing child abuse images. We aren't talking about a few questionable pictures, ones he could argue he thought they were of age. Babies. Toddlers. Thousands of pictures and film clips. After the usual pathetic attempts at lying, he confessed and I've been told that due to the severity and amount, he is going away for a very long time.

Good.

As soon as he confessed, every feeling, every good memory I had of us as a family died. He became less than nothing to me. (I am seeing a therapist by the way, so are the kids, she is helping me cope with this boiling, violent rage I feel every time I think of his face)

I never want to see him again. Ever. He has been contacting me to beg for an hour of my time to "explain". As if there is anything he could say to explain away this horror, to minimise the fact he was an active participant in destroying the lives of those poor children. As if there is anything he could say to soften the fact he has destroyed my life, our babies lives.

He says he just wants an hour and then I can walk away but I "owe him this small thing".

I hope everyone will agree I ANBU when I say I can't/won't see him. I can't guarantee what I'd do. I can't and I won't and the idea I owe him ANYTHING is disgusting and repulsive.

Here's the AIBU. I dont have much family and nobody local, so his family have always been a big part of our lives. His parents are religious and have decided to love the sinner, hate the sin.

(I can't express how that makes me feel. I don't have the words for my anger and disgust)

They agree I owe him an hour and are haranguing me about it. You can imagine their arguments - it was "only" pictures, I need closure, we need to agree what to tell the children, I am being hormonal, I am selfish etc etc...

For the record, there stopped being a "we" the very second he admitted to his crimes. That's my closure and I will tell my children what I want (no idea what yet, one for the therapist to help me with).

I want to cut them out too. They disgust me now. I can't bear the idea of people who support that man being around my little ones. But... I lost my job and the house will go back to the bank soon. They have said they will give me the money he was due to inherit if I meet him. He won't need it where he is going. I need to feed my kids and more than ever, I need to keep them safe.

Part of me thinks the right thing to do for my kids would be to see him, get through an hour and take their money. Isn't that what a good mother would do? Grit my teeth and bear it for the chance to provide for my children? Is it selfish to refuse, when I know the impact it will have on my kids? It's dirty money but dirty money buys food and clothes just as good as clean money and I would rather die than ever let the kids know how I got it.

I don't know what to do. If I do it, I can provide for my babies who are so innocent and don't deserve any more pain.

Also, if I don't do it, the kids won't see their grandparents or extended family again. Right now I don't want them to be near those people but it should be MY CHOICE. Not another punishment for the kids.

I don't know what to do. I'm crying again but I cry all the time now. I can't talk to anyone about this in RL and my best friends have ghosted me since the news came out. I'm alone and scared of making the wrong choice.

I was going to ask, what should I do but I think we are past moral judgements. So my question is, what would you do? What price would you pay? I don't even care about my own mental health at this stage, that ship has sailed but it's like I physically cannot be in a room with him.

Thanks for reading, I'll answer any questions I can but if I can't, I'll say so and I hope you understand why.

You owe him NOTHING.

Don't take less "then you deserve" squueze out as much as you can and walk away.

Just seen your update as cross posted.

In your situation actually I’d be going to speak to the leader of THEIR church, even if you don’t feel like you’re a believer. You have that right. Possibly with your therapist or a very trusted friend. The leader should certainly see you for this and you’d not be acting out of turn as - this is something serious that affects their congregantsnand will be causing gossip and division.

What your PIL are insisting upon is definitely not biblical, please be assured of that. Nowhere in the bible are conditions laid such as this. It’s madness. They are making this up as they go along and as it sounds, are hypocrites to what they profess to believe. Their faith sounds superficial and selective.

Yes, God loves everyone, you and your sweet children, even your challenging in laws, and even including your awful ex. There is nothing He loves better than to see sinful people realise the error of their ways and then turn from that and learn from it and become a benefit to society by their humility. There is a reason Jesus chose to surround himself with really flawed people. Their salvation is a great lesson to the rest of us who sin less extremely.

Your ex is a very long way off from rehabilitation but in my opinion but it’s not inconceivable that it could maybe happen someday- and that’s what his parents will be clinging onto and hoping for.

Honestly speak to their church leader - that will get to them as they will be put straight.... Even if they don’t listen to you directly, they will feel bound to listen to the church leader who I guarantee will not agree with their approach, and this will only help you.

The one hour visit could be to help him. He might want you to act the doting wife, provide a character reference etc. Perhaps agree that he was under mental stress or some other excuse to get a lighter sentence?! I wonder if even just you visiting could work in his favour.
He's already got his parents on side, probably willing to say anything, thinking if they can prove it's not his fault or get him a shorter sentence, it will save their reputation too?! Telling themselves it's not like he abused his own kids is it.

Can you have the in laws put the money in escrow? I would do it and grey rock my way through one hour. I would then move far away, cut all ties with the in laws and change all of your names.

It’s not just you taking dirty money, your kids may well feel their lives tainted when they come to know of this as adults (which they will with GPs such as these).

A situation such as this is extremely complex: parents and their children, grandparents and their grandchildren, amorality, immorality, religion, money, crime. Your only safe way out is the high road.

I never post anymore but I needed to add a voice of support. This is every sane person's nightmare. The betrayal is bad enough but the circumstances make it sickening and I'm so sorry for you.

I haven't read every reply so this is 100% my own singular opinion, but I think meeting him would be one of those situations where you'd never be able to say all of the things you wanted to or needed to on the spot, and then for weeks and months afterwards you'd be beating yourself up about what you did say or what you wished you'd said.

Also, no-one enjoys negativity and this would be a horrifically negative atmosphere.

It also concerns me that by acquiescing to their request (demand?) now, you are setting yourself up for more of the same down the line.
If you visit now, how long before they ask the children if they'd like to visit Daddy? Because Mummy visited him so the precedent has been set.

I don't think that - at this time - any part of this idea is healthy for your state of mind. In almost every other circumstance, Mumsnet would advise going NC, and in this case I think it'd be too painful if you did maintain contact.

What are your other financial options?

Could you write a letter to them? Whether you post it or not, could you use it to address your reservations/concerns? If even doing that makes you lose control then there is no way you're ready to have a face to face conversation about any of this, either with them or with him. And I don't know how you'd begin trying to explain a money-for-meeting agreement to your children.

He may think you owe him, but he made his choice, and it wasn't a spur of the moment one. It was calculated, planned and consciously done. He is not a victim. He did not think of you or the children; he didn't value you enough then, and he doesn't deserve you now. You deserve far better than this.

I think you have to do what you think is best for you, as you are the one that has to live with the decision. I don't think anyone would blame you for anything whatever you decide.
As others have said, it might be worth getting a solicitor involved if you decide to take the money. You may need one anyway in time.
I can't understand how grandparents that had the money would not help keep a roof over the heads of their grandchildren to give them some stability in the circumstances, so feel wary of their motives.
If there is a risk of losing the house, please speak to the bank and see if there is any form of agreement you can make to delay things. Did you make any overpayments to allow you to take a payment holiday for a while so you can sort out finances, listing the house for sale etc.
You sound amazingly strong and a great mum.

Not sure if others agree, but you may want to only leave the post up for a limited time incase it gets picked up by any press.

Shit, you've really been dumped into hell.

None of this is your fault. You, and your children, are innocents in this. You're the collateral damage. In a way you are victims too. I find it hard to call his parents the same, as they are minimising and manipulating, and apologists for child sexual abuse are complicit.

I do not think that you have a price. I think it is the opposite. You are trying to decide whether it is worth you paying a pretty high cost to try to protect your children's future. The very thought of being in the same room as this bastard is making you feel nauseated, shaky, any vestiges of mental equilibrium flying out of the window. And yet you are considering doing it for your DC. That is not having a fucking price. That is pretty damn self-sacrificing in my book.

So, what do your children need? They need a roof over their heads, food in their stomachs, clothes on their back. They need the right support. But they need something else even more. With their world tipped on its head, more than anything, they need you.

So yes, if you can find a way to get all the money placed with a 3rd party upfront, with no extra provisos, no doling it in little parcels to force you to do other things, and if you can do this without it harming you, then go for it. Your children have every right to it. But if doing this would harm you too much, then fuck it. You will find a way to survive without the money. But your children will not cope without you. Based on your postings, what you sound like is exactly the mother they need right now, and for the future. So I have faith that you will make the right choice, whichever that may be.

I would cut all ties. I would not take the money, it is a bribe.

Money you can earn elsewhere, maybe not so much but your money, good money that has no requirement attached to it. Respect cannot be bought. Love cannot be bought. Family cannot be bought.

Hold your head up, hold the hands of your children. You have done no wrong. Walk away and make life yours for your DC.

If you took the money that would never be the end no matter what you did and I believe you know that already.

I would only do it if all the money were placed with a solicitor to be released on the conclusion of the visit (with no contingencies). Then i would go, sit behind a screen, wearing noise cancelling headphones playing some music he hated, and i would have a friend, therapist, support person with you, who would have a written statement from you to be read to him, detailing what a scum bag he is. So you have zero interaction with him, but you meet the terms of the agreement. You also have the pleasure of knowing he has been told exactly how you feel about him.

The only other thing i would consider throwing into the barganing pool is that if he can sign away his parental responsibility, go for that too. Not sure if its possible though

Get away from these people.

They are POISON.

No I wouldn't do it. I think you are traumatised - anyone would be - and a second with him could tip you over the edge, much less an hour. You don't have to do this - what is the price of peace? Cutting these vile people off FOR GOOD is the best thing you can do for your children and yourself.

They are blackmailing you to accept the unacceptable, forcing you to do something that is impossible for you, using your children. That's despicable and imo no good will come of having them in your life or having anything to do with them at all.

Sometimes there is only one thing you can do with thoroughly toxic people and that's to cut them off for good. I am not being disingenuous when I say there are other ways to get money, other solutions to your very difficult situation. Doing it cleanly will give you peace.

My heart goes out to you.

I don't think any of the "noise" (religion etc) is OP's problem.

I understand that it is hard to separate it out though which is why OP should get a lawyer.

They have chosen to make this about money, sounds like the GPs and the abuser are sharks. Fine. OP needs to hire her OWN shark who won't be caught up in the emotion and can nail down a "deal" if OP wants the money.

Decide your price and terms, they take it (and pay the cash up front) or they don't.

All contact going forward is also to go through the lawyer. No phone calls, no meetings. NOTHING that isn't later available for evidence.

Make one of the terms that you can have your lawyer with you.

They can take it or leave it.

Money lodged with your lawyer to be released after 60 minutes spent on total visit. Lawyer to accompany to verify. Cotton wool in ears. Book to read.
Collect money.
Fuck off far away from the whole shit show.
Live quietly ever after.
Good luck.

Just read your update, I hope that your are able to get some sleep but just wanted to say

There is another choice, Let everyone here help you so that create a new life with your kids, whereas there is no conditions!

There are enough knowledgeable people on here that can give advice on housing,finance,support, legal information etc etc.

They are in no position to make any demands! You are the one in control not them. So they either want to help with ensuring secure future of their grandchildren or they don’t. End of.

Could you go to this not looking for him to explain anything to you, but for you to clarify from him.
When you adopt a child, sometimes you are expected to meet the birth parents.When you read a lot of the children's profiles it's often the last thing you want to do. Something so awful has happened to this child that the person you are being asked to meet is no longer seen as being fit to care or be with them.
But it offers answers to the children in the future, and it gives you answers to some things. Sometimes the answers are visual not verbal, sometimes the answers are about what they say and miss, and other times it's about what they don't say.
You and your children lived with a very real figment for many years, and now what's left is an empty space. Do you have questions for him? Is there nothing you want to ask him to be able to tell the children in the future.
His actions have been hideous. He doesn't deserve your forgiveness.
But you deserve to hear his words, so you and your children can at least have something concrete to reject from him.
Your children's questions in the future may be
Did he love me
Did he see me that way
Is he sorry
How is he
If you go and you visit you can answer those questions
That sort of meeting is not about your children's paternal family, but about them and what they may need to know in the future.
If they want to give you money for this, have it locked up tightly in a trust or account controlled by you.
Going doesn't mean you are having anything more to do with him, it can mean you are closing things down.

What an awful situation op! I can absolutely see your dilemma 1hr for a fresh start for your children it's not wrong to consider! Most people would dont feel bad! Your aren't forgiving or excusing what he has done you are thinking practically about your children's future no one should judge that!

My concern would be right now it's 1hr but use that it? Or next will it be just come to court and sit there and so on and so on!

If you can be sure giving him one hr will give you the money you need and not be to much for you I would do it! But I don't think a family who would try and bribe you will be done ever! They know you need money and instead of paying and careing about the future of their grandchildren they are trying to bargain! That won't change there will always be a new thing they want!

I am so sorry. What a nightmare!

These people are scum. The bible says to look after widows and orphans, not blackmail them.

Wow, enough for groceries for a couple of weeks. You're not a prostitute, they're treating you like one! Insert cash, extract 'service'

You know that this won't end well, it will be the first of many hoops. You'll be giving them power over you and your children. Since their son apparently has power over his parents, it's just a way giving power over you back to him

I suspect that they'll change their mind if you insist on legally enforcing their 'offer' anyway. I would totally consider taking the lump sum of cash and even keeping my word about the meeting (I'd wear headphones and ignore him) if it was all paid in full before the meeting. And then I'd move far away and never allow them to infect a moment of my life again.

Again, I'm so sorry. Much love to you. You sound like a warrior! Your children are blessed to have you. Look after yourself.

“Dear PIL

As you know, your son’s actions have left me and your children in a perilous financial state, which you have offered to alleviate by providing us money that would otherwise have been you son’s inheritance.

The condition is that I spent one hour talking to your son. I never want to see your son again due to his crimes and the hurt and suffering he has caused. As a result of his crimes, which I appreciate are a strain on us all, my children and I are undergoing counselling. My view, supported by my counsellor, is that seeing your son again would have an extremely negative affect in my mental health and would not benefit me (or your grandchildren ) and may cause me further harm.

I am at the point of declining your offer but I need to somehow find a way to rescue your grandchildren from the situation your son has placed them in.

I urge you to reconsider the condition that you have imposed and to provide the money without any strings attached.

If you won’t reconsider; I will agree to your terms if they are set out in a written agreement. While I hope you would honour the agreement, I feel like I can no longer trust anyone and will only put myself through seeing you son again if I have absolute certainty that it means my children will be supported.

Thank you”

That’s the best I can offer. Good luck to you however you proceed x

They give you a stack of money, then you are indebted to them forever. They will want to see your kids, and once he is out of prison, they will allow him to be there to see them = putting them at risk.

Then you don't do what they demand, they chase you for the money, citing it was a loan.

You REALLY need that shit?

A lot of good advice has been given already. I agree that you should not feel guilty with your decision. You did nothing wrong and in regards to the money, only you can decide what's best for you and your children.

If you decide to take the money, definitely ask for the cash upfront or for them to put the money in escrow. You can't trust your inlaws and you don't want to sue them later if they refuse to pay you.

If your in-laws agree to put the money in escrow, make sure your solicitor has reviewed the agreement and I would ensure it is either unconditional or it should say "the visit is up to an hour". You don't want your in-laws to renege because you were there for less than 1 hour. There should be no other conditions.

And I don't think much of your in-laws either. Move far far away from them.

Too many words Hertha.

This much
Money first
This time
This place
My lawyer present
Any direct contact (by abuser/family) before or after meeting will be treated as harassment
Take it or leave it.

You don't NEED the money OP, it will be hard but you will make it work for your kids. Women do.

If you want the money however, you decide how and when.

Get a solicitor and have a contract drawn up confirming the only condition is a one hour visit. No other requests or conditions. Money to be lodged with solicitor in advance. Solicitor to accompany the visit. Solicitor could swear an Affidavit that the meeting took place. Money released immediately following the visit.

Don't think of this as dirty money. It is your dcs inheritance and it is skipping a generation.

If your mental health will allow you to do this visit with the goal being security, then I'd do it.

His horrible actions, causing losing your home etc, could pull you and your dc down into financial diffs. To look upon it as your dcs inheritance is how I would cope with it. you are not selling your morals by doing the visit, as long as you feel strong enough to get through the hour. The future will be difficult enough and to ease financial worries would remove one major hurdle.

And get far away.

That's what I would do.

Whatever you decide to do has to be what you can live with.

OP I honestly believe for you there is no wrong answer I know it feels for you like there is no right answer but turn it around.

In the nicest possible way I suspect some pp who are saying take the high ground may never have been in a horrendous financial situation. I have ...where I was facing the very very real possibility of homelessness for my DC and not through my own making. Id have done anything ...anything to avoid that no matter the cost to my soul because frankly my job was to put them first.

You have a price lovely but it's the same price every mother has...your DC, same price I have same price we all do , it's not about you being bought for money its about what you want to do to provide for your DC, please try not to beat yourself up.

After all the damage he and his DP have dine why the fuck shouldn't they pay

For me I'd take the money , I'd grey rock the meet and once all was done I'd tell the DP to fuck off into the sunset with their abusive bullshit and leave them all to rot.

I'd swan out with my DC and as you are already doing amazingly well get them and you through this horror in the best way you can.

However please don't hammer yourself if you can't bear to meet with him , that also has no shame , he is the vilest excuse for a human being and we all have our limits.

None of this is your fault and you have less than no responsibility to him or his DP...there is no fucking morality needed to them do what is right for you and your DC

Sorry for your loss, because essentially you’ve ’ lost your world as you knew it.
I’d suck it up and take the money. I’d try to negotiate the amount and conditions, but I’d do it for my kids. I’m not saying it will be easy. Good luck

OP my heart truly goes out to you and you come across as a strong and amazing mother. Only you can decide whether to visit this monster in prison and you certainly aren't selling yourself if you do go; moreover it is a sign of the lengths you are prepared to go for the sake of your children.

You seem to have no family to support you and your so-called friends have let you down badly. Nobody has the right to judge you, whatever your decision regarding the visit and the money. My worry is the possible negative effect it will have on you, firstly in having to face this man but also, I worry what strings will be attached.

You have already said that your PIL will not give you the money in advance of a visit; you certainly need the money to be secured in an account so you can access it immediately after the visit. You will also need to know exactly how much you will be paid - will it be one lump sum paid immediately, or will it be an amount given at regular intervals to ensure contact is maintained?

You have some tough decisions ahead of you but you will get through this and your children are lucky to have you. Personally, I would not let the PIL anywhere near your children - if the children do want to see them when they are older, at least you can make them aware of all the facts and then let them decide.

Good luck OP - if you ever want to vent, feel free to message me and I would call you or message you. Whatever happens in the future, look after yourself - one day you will be able to look back and see how you hit rock bottom and how far you have come since then.