AIBU to take his family's dirty money? **Sensitive thread about child abuse - title edited by MNHQ**

[devastatedanon]

NC for reasons that will become very obvious. Identifying details removed. There are things I have had to leave out so please forgive me for not filling in some of the blanks.

I have been married for 11 years. Two kids and I'm six months pregnant with our much wanted third baby. Good job, nice house, adoring man.

It was all a lie. You are the first people I've told and even writing this out anonymously makes me want to vomit.

Three months ago the man I married (I can't call him DH or even husband) was arrested for viewing and storing child abuse images. We aren't talking about a few questionable pictures, ones he could argue he thought they were of age. Babies. Toddlers. Thousands of pictures and film clips. After the usual pathetic attempts at lying, he confessed and I've been told that due to the severity and amount, he is going away for a very long time.

Good.

As soon as he confessed, every feeling, every good memory I had of us as a family died. He became less than nothing to me. (I am seeing a therapist by the way, so are the kids, she is helping me cope with this boiling, violent rage I feel every time I think of his face)

I never want to see him again. Ever. He has been contacting me to beg for an hour of my time to "explain". As if there is anything he could say to explain away this horror, to minimise the fact he was an active participant in destroying the lives of those poor children. As if there is anything he could say to soften the fact he has destroyed my life, our babies lives.

He says he just wants an hour and then I can walk away but I "owe him this small thing".

I hope everyone will agree I ANBU when I say I can't/won't see him. I can't guarantee what I'd do. I can't and I won't and the idea I owe him ANYTHING is disgusting and repulsive.

Here's the AIBU. I dont have much family and nobody local, so his family have always been a big part of our lives. His parents are religious and have decided to love the sinner, hate the sin.

(I can't express how that makes me feel. I don't have the words for my anger and disgust)

They agree I owe him an hour and are haranguing me about it. You can imagine their arguments - it was "only" pictures, I need closure, we need to agree what to tell the children, I am being hormonal, I am selfish etc etc...

For the record, there stopped being a "we" the very second he admitted to his crimes. That's my closure and I will tell my children what I want (no idea what yet, one for the therapist to help me with).

I want to cut them out too. They disgust me now. I can't bear the idea of people who support that man being around my little ones. But... I lost my job and the house will go back to the bank soon. They have said they will give me the money he was due to inherit if I meet him. He won't need it where he is going. I need to feed my kids and more than ever, I need to keep them safe.

Part of me thinks the right thing to do for my kids would be to see him, get through an hour and take their money. Isn't that what a good mother would do? Grit my teeth and bear it for the chance to provide for my children? Is it selfish to refuse, when I know the impact it will have on my kids? It's dirty money but dirty money buys food and clothes just as good as clean money and I would rather die than ever let the kids know how I got it.

I don't know what to do. If I do it, I can provide for my babies who are so innocent and don't deserve any more pain.

Also, if I don't do it, the kids won't see their grandparents or extended family again. Right now I don't want them to be near those people but it should be MY CHOICE. Not another punishment for the kids.

I don't know what to do. I'm crying again but I cry all the time now. I can't talk to anyone about this in RL and my best friends have ghosted me since the news came out. I'm alone and scared of making the wrong choice.

I was going to ask, what should I do but I think we are past moral judgements. So my question is, what would you do? What price would you pay? I don't even care about my own mental health at this stage, that ship has sailed but it's like I physically cannot be in a room with him.

Thanks for reading, I'll answer any questions I can but if I can't, I'll say so and I hope you understand why.

If I was absolutely sure of the money then I would go, accompanied by someone of my choosing, for the kids' future. I wouldn't feel bad as you are innocent. I think it's awful they are putting you through blackmail and not just offering you the money because they love you and your DC and know you need it.

I can't imagine the shock and pain.

No one can judge you for what you decide. It's about what you and only you can live with. No amount of money is worth your MH though so if it'll haunt you, walk away.

I can’t understand any friend who would walk away from you or turn their backs in this situation. They were never friends to begin with. Do whatever you have to op but yes, get it in writing if you decide to meet with him - I very much doubt that his family are actually prepared to give you this money for the sake of an hour, it will be dependant on them maintaining a relationship with the grandchildren but if they will make it a formal contract then so be it. Personally in that instance I would go, tell him exactly what I thought of him and then walk away with my head held high and start my new life. So sorry for you xxxx

I’m so sorry you’re being put through this.

I can’t say for certain what I’d do. The idea that there would be money for you and the children to start your lives away from him and his family would be difficult to give up. I’d have to have the money ahead of time, no minds being changed after the fact! And the chance to spend an hour telling him exactly what kind of scum sucking slime I think he is would certainly be tempting, and, let’s face it, there is nothing he could say that could excuse what he’s done.

But you owe him nothing. You owe his family nothing. You have to do what feels right to you. What will life be like without the money? Can you move away without his family helping? No way would I stay in that area once the gossiping starts, too risky that some arse will tell your children.

Oh OP. I have no useful advice but I wanted to say I’m so, so sorry. Your children are so lucky to have you as a mum. X

You said it yourself ‘you can not physically be in the same room as him’

You are being emotionally blackmailed and they are using the only thing they have, your kids and money.

End of day the money should be there to provide security for kids without any conditions attached. Tell him to put it in a letter what he wants to say.

Personally I would be weary of going especially if you are not mentally & emotionally strong enough and certainly not on your own.

Whatever you decide it will not be wrong choice, you did not create this situation, you have to do what is right for you! As your children need you.

I agree with everything @peachy said too

I honestly don’t know if I could do it, to think that someone you’d shared a good portion of your life with is such a disgusting c**t, and then having to share a room with them again knowing what they’ve done would make me throw up.

There will be, I imagine, many more conditions to getting this money.
Surely they should have given it to you to save you from the poverty their son drove you towards after his sickening actions and confession anyway?!

I would NEVER be leaving my children in the care of people with such poor and disgusting judgement again either, saying it’s not that bad would make me so ragey I’d be banging on their door and screaming.

YANBU about thinking about taking the money, I hope you’re ok whatever the outcome.

Oh dear, how awful OP.
I say take the money.

It is not dirty money, it is coming from your children's grandparents to help them, instead of going to an evil person.

You would be doing the right thing to take it.
It is hard that they have put this condition on it, the visit I see this is a desperate act by devistated parents to do something for their son.

Please try to separate the money from the visit, there is a justice in his family compensating you and giving you the opportunity to make afresh start.

That one hour , you will get through it!

In imagining future scenarios-

• have the money, sometimes a twinge of unease about how you came to have it, but a comfortable life for you and your children with the past behind and opportunities ahead.

• don't have the money - you might be cross with yourself and your in laws for being in a financially difficult position, will entrench resentment, make it harder to cope with the trauma of the crimes of ex. Your options will be reduced.

Money can't buy happiness, but it can bring security.

The money isn't dirty, they are clumsily trying to do right by you. Please take it.

These supposedly religious people are seriously saying they would see their grandchildren go without if you won't go along with this? I would really want to ask them whether that is really what they are saying, and how they reconcile that with their religion.

That said, I think I agree with posters on this thread - if I were in your place I'd agree to meet to secure my children's future, but on condition that the money is secured in advance. And it would be on the basis that he is going to have to sit as far away from you as possible and you are not obliged to say anything, nor are you prevented from saying anything including what a total shit he is. I suspect I'd sit through it concentrating fiercely on counting backwards, or mentally singing every song I know, anything to avoid listening.

Do you have your own family to take care of you? I would go to them if they are supportive and completely disconnect from inlaws. As said if they are prepared to see your dc starve they are horrible people and l would not cooperatate in any way with them.
You are in a desperate situation altogether. I hope you have your own family.

What I would do in your position, OP, is agree to visit the nonce, ask for the money up front, transfer it into another account within 24 hours then take the DC and disappear. Without visiting him.
You can, later on, if you and the DC are up to it, rebuild the relationship between DC and grandparents. The nonce will be in prison, you can't be 'surprised' into encountering him.
If his parents had offered you the money without attaching conditions (because they love their grandchildren and want to make their lives easier) it would have been better, even if they said they were going to maintain contact with your XH (I can understand a parent refusing to cut all contact with their own child, whatever that child might have done) but accepted that you would not.

Personally I would be weary of going especially if you are not mentally & emotionally strong enough and certainly not on your own.

How awful for you, OP. I agree with the above statement. I think there’s a good chance that they will continue to emotionally blackmail you, whether you take the money or not. But you may end up feeling they have some ‘leverage’ over you, or that you owe them, once you have taken it.

I honestly have no idea what else to say, or what I would do in your shoes. I can’t imagine how you must feel.

I think it is very strange that they would be so bothered about you meeting him for an hour. What difference does it make to them?

Just from your posts you sound the sort of person who would never, ever forgive yourself for being bought by this 'dirty money' and I fear if you take it everything you use it for will seem tainted somehow.

Could you really live with what he is likely to tell you, will what he says haunt you? Will what you hear torture you for the rest of your life?

You are the most important person in this scenario, please make sure you are not destroyed by this.

I think this is all too raw at the moment. I think you need time with your therapist and time to get through your pregnancy before you are fit enough mentally to even consider meeting him. You really sound far too fragile at the moment. If the house is about to be repossessed I would concentrate on getting you all out of there, far too many memories. Have you spoken to the council? Have you sorted out any benefits you are due?

I would try and find somewhere to rent and then when you are away from the current family home you can then make proper decisions. Good luck with it all, it's just so hard when you have been so let down and you feel completely alone with this.

I would do it.
In your head, can you turn it to a positive? Your opportunity to tell him that you find his behaviour abhorrent, you despise him and what he has done and that you never want to hear from him again. Then he is left in no doubt that your support is absolutely not ever forthcoming in any shape ever, and you get some closure and also get the financial security that he owes your children?
Even an opportunity to let rip and vent some of your justified anger in the right direction?

It's not a price, it's what you're due. Take the money and start again . Meet him after getting the money and tell him how disgusting he is.

You're not being bought. You're. Sing paid damages.

How do you know they'll give it to you if you meet him?

If you do decide to see him OP, leave your children with someone his family don’t know and not at your house. I wouldnt trust them not to try and turn up while you’re with him and try and take them. They seem very determined to get you to see him for an hour. Why an hour? It’s odd.

Honestly? I don't think you would be U to take the money but a) you will never be at peace with the decision if you do and b) I don't think they'll give you it. There will be another ask, another condition, another hoop to jump through.

My compassionate side says that they are so, so in denial, they have 'lost' their son, they are losing their DIL and grandchildren and holding this over your head makes them feel like they have a little bit of control. They're probably not bad people, just people in a bad situation (the GPs obviously, not your XDP).

I agree with 8FencingWire

If they’re so concerned about the kids’ welfare, they would have given you the money and respectfully back off

I wouldn’t be wanting the children to have contact with their GPs if they minimise and manipulate this way. What would they tell them about their father!

devastatedanon you are at the start of your hard journey and I hope you can find all the support you need from professionals and in some small way from MN. I hope you find your gentle way through.

No, no money amount of money in the world could entice me to see him again. You have no garuantee that they will honour their promise and tbh that's just blackmail anyway knowing the situation that you and your children are in.

Stand strong lady... You are doing the right thing. Move away and start again. You can do it and your children will be totally protected. 💐

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through such a terrible time right now.
As mentioned before, I'd get a contract drawn up and get all or a 'deposit' paid to you before meeting the thing.
Sending you a massive hug OP, I can't even imagine how you must be feeling right now but just know you have our support here and I for one, would be willing to listen if you need to rant in private. You're not alone in this. Lots of love to you and your children, you will get through this!

End of day the money should be there to provide security for kids without any conditions attached. Tell him to put it in a letter what he wants to say.

Personally I would be weary of going especially if you are not mentally & emotionally strong enough and certainly not on your own.

^This.

These people raised that man. I think it's revolting that they attach conditions to securing their grandchildren's future.

Can your therapist help get Social Services on board to secure housing? Or your doctor? You and your family are victims too.

I wouldn't touch their money.

I’m so sorry you are going through this OP and so sorry your friends are ghosting you, that is awful at a time when you need support the most.

I would take the money and meet him, for your kids and also for yourself, for closure. You can tell him what you think of him and tell him goodbye. Like PPs have said, take someone with you and sit behind a screen. Get it overnight with quickly, then move on and try to forget him. Good luck

Decent grandparents would want their grandchildren to have the inheritance, no strings.

They are not decent people. There is no guarantee you will receive any money. If you do, it will be in bits and there will be chains.