Nanny brought her family over whilst we’re on holiday

[Vanessatiger]

AIBU to sack her

Background to this: nanny started with us in May, we went away the whole of August. Meanwhile we agreed she’d look after the house together with the housekeeper. They’d alternate 2+2 weeks. Feed the dog etc. we found out that the nanny had not fed the dog (left it to the gardener) and she never came once to dust the house. Instead she brought her two children and her husband to have a “party” at ours. Eating, drinking, using our livingroom and the children played with our children’s toys. I think it would’ve be fine if she had asked but she didn’t. I only found out because I asked the landlord to go and fix a few broken things in the house. He said he was surprised to find our nanny and her family there using our house but asked if that was pre-arranged.

When we came back, we asked the nanny and her attitude was “nothing was damaged and taken so no big deal, they just used the house to lounge around”... i reckon they live in a smaller space so it’s nice to use our big house, but i find it quite disrespectful.
The problem is our 1,5 yr old likes her a lot. And in general she’s very good with children.

We are expats where nannies are readily available at a fraction of the costs in the UK.

What would you do?

most Arabs are LAZY!

You're racist. You can't talk this way. Grow up.

The Irish are lazy.

Is this true? Is this ok to say if you've lived in Ireland?

No.

It wasn't ok when the English said it 200 years ago and it's not ok today. Likewise you OP and you Arab disser woman.

I'm half Arab, grew up there, half my family are Arab. There is a certain.... lack of urgency about most things in life. Me and my sibling are considered a bit weird (as was our British mum) for getting so het up over stuff.

On the flip side, it's cultural rather than innate. My dad is very driven and runs his own company in the ME; he is constantly bitching about the lack of action around him and how he has to drive people with a metaphorical whip

Hissy there is a rainy season! It's about a week in January where it MAY rain (in the Gulf anyway), but still counts....

Fyi, there’s no violence, starvation nor severe sickness here.
It’s just incredibly laid-back..

Let's remember the nanny didn't just fail to dust a mantelpiece or two, she neglected to feed fish, which died, and a dog, which mercifully didn't (but might have for all she cared, yet she was ON THE PREMISES with her family to enjoy the comforts of her employer's home. And you think that person is fine to look after the OP's DC? Come on people, get real. If this happened in the UK you'd be on about reporting her to the RSPCA, SS and logging it with 101.

I don't think her behaviour is acceptable. Any more than the OP terming an entire culture 'lazy' is acceptable.

I think one of the issues is that what you as an expat see as kindness and respect some local staff and only some can see as weakness and the opportunity to take the piss. We definitely saw this a couple of times where we were. I would get rid, I kept one staff member for too long because I couldn't face the hassle and the next one might be worse fear, she wasn't a thief etc. After a couple of false starts the second one that settled was absolutely lovely and a total joy to share a house with. She doesn't respect you and it will be hard to get her to start doing so now.

Also we found a kennel for our pets, it was crazy expensive for the region but pet care was only done under sufferance when we where there to supervise I wouldn't have trusted it to be done at all in my absence, there where wider cultural differences about animals and their place in a home. I'm perfectly sure our staff thought we were nuts and our landlord come to that.

To say most Arabs are lazy is racist. And it is false too of course.

Your experience with a few people in Saudi, does not equate to the whole of Arabia. Look up Arabic on the map.

Arabia*

Saying most Arabs are lazy is racist regardless of your ethnic background

Is is racist if it's true? I mean - If I say Most Scandanavians are white-skinned" is that a racist comment? This is a genuine question. Or is it racist if it's a positive comment - would people be getting aerated if OP had said "Most of the people here are artistic"?

I don't know if Arabs or anyone in particular have any negative characteristics, but it strikes me that shouting that something is "racist" (or sexist, or ageist, or any other -ist) just because you don't like the sound of it is - well, I don't know - "commentist"?

OP, do you work there, or are you just a "trailing spouse"? If you don't have a job, I think its a bit rich having a nanny, housekeeper and gardener and complaining that other people are lazy. Do you do anything for yourself, your kids or your pets at all?? To call a whole culture lazy is ridiculous. And to threaten to blacklist this nanny among the expat community is just pure spite.

FFS, posters on here are so sad!
I'd call anyone lazy who prefer to sleep in most of the day and call into work whenever they feel like it! Regardless of race

Think it's disgraceful people calling 'racist' for such a comment. I'm Asian and let me tell you I've experienced the worst kind of racism most of my life growing up in an all English area!

NO WONDER, there is such an increase in the far right ATM. It's because people like this calling 'racist' for any little thing . People are getting sick of it having to be politically correct and watch their tongues and this is coming from an ethnic person! It's disgraceful.
Ironically, it's non ethnic people calling racism lefties or whatever they seem to be called.

I suppose I better tell my family and friends that were being racist when we take the mickey of our OWN culture and call our OWN people lazy and such and such. Jesus, guess we're all racist then according to the logic of some on here.

Also, like the Arab person said it seems to be their way of life. Maybe I should have labelled them Saudis then??? But I've experienced the exact same in Dubai.
And also, my dps father (who worked on KSA for most of his life) own boss said that the reason they hired Americans and the British because they had a much higher work ethic than their own, I suppose he's being racist to his own as well.

Like I said. Live out there then judge

Labeling a whole culture something like lazy isn't helpful. But what OP does or doesn't do is irrelevant in relation to what people paid to do work to or don't do while paid to do a job. Which is a long winded way of saying that not doing the job you are paid to do isn't okay and has nothing to do what OP does or doesn't do with her time.
Also OP doesn't have to blacklist her employee, if this woman is sacked other expats aren't going to want to hire her fired nanny, it is very much a personal recommendation based way of employing people.

It really doesn't matter what 'race' you are if the local culture is to do as little as possible for your wages and to try to take advantage of your employers or take the piss then its not racist to state the facts.

Op has said that this is her own culture amd she knows its inherently 'do as little as possible /tomorrow will do' culture then she should know surely?

If i had employed people to do specific jobs and they didnt do it, took the piss and still expected to be paid for it i would be freaking raging too.

It doesnt really matter where she lives. The facts are thst her nanny did not do what was explicitly expected off her and took advantage of op. That is not acceptable anywhere.

If someone had posted this about a uk nanny the thread would have been so different. But because op is not talking about white uk nannies she is automatically branded some kind of white supremacist.

Op has said she pays more than is expected where she lives. Nanny has sfa to do for 4 weeks full pay yet didnt do any of it. Yet op is in the wrong?

Op is paying people to.do.a job. Why should she pay them for nothing?
What she does with her time is irrelevant.
All these people getting 'offended' on behalf of others. It is common knowledge that some cultures do not have the same 'it must be done today' attitude that others have. Not all cultures are the same. We are all different. Many in arab cultures, despite thier wealth, do not understand the British necessity for paying thier bills on time. Paying months later is seen as the norm as is turning up for meetings hours late. It would drive me mad but its acceptable in many cultures.

'Lazy' is a pejorative term in itself. You're judging them against the norm in a different culture. There are different attitudes to life in different places. The Chinese might call us in the U.K. lazy whereas we are likely to consider them overworked and obsessed with education and earning money at the expense of happiness.

I'm betting your staff don't think you have a superior moral code to them because you're 'busy' all the time.

Cultures differ and yes we can generalise about them when it's relevant.

on the nanny issue we once let ours in the UK stay in our house when away (she was not a live in nanny) and she didn't get much privacy at home so we let her and her finance or husband stay . We never it again. Although she was lovely and stayed with us 10 years she was very bad domestically and things were left in a mess - not great to come home to. however she had asked permission and at least no one broke in so no big deal. I would not be happy if someone stayed without permission but again they may not understand the culture the English sense of space, privacy and that kind of thing.

SchadenfreudePersonified
If you really care about this, I would say that you're better to talk about individuals rather than the group and never the entire culture or race as it is always an inaccurate cliche to some extent (usually said by people with a superficial understanding of what's actually going on). It's never the whole story and risks making life very difficult for those who don't fit the mould.

@IsabellaMoltisantixx
So you are saying most Arabs, when you actually only have experience of 2 countries (Dubai and SA). Have a look at the number of countries that are Arab and then ask yourself whether your statement was unreasonable or not.

@HandOff

And if you reread what I said, I mentioned I can't just say 'Saudis' as I've had the same experience in other Arab countries too so am I supposed to make a list or wouldn't it just be easier and a spur of the tongue if I just said Arabs?

And how do you know I haven't experienced any other nationalities

Again, if you reread my comment I mention that the race I come from have been known to be lazy/laid back when it comes to certain things

Perhaps a verbal warning to make it clear what your rules are.
Don't ask her to look after the house again and get her to hand in her keys while you're away.

I'm a nanny and used to 'borrow' my employers house when they were away, maybe have a friend or two round. Had a birthday bbq there once. But it was all pre arranged and they knew exactly who was there and when and what my intentions were.
The nanny should've asked you first.

She has zero respect for you op or your home.she is untrustworthy.I would terminate her with immediate effect.
Keeping her on is asking for trouble.