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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Nanny brought her family over whilst we’re on holiday

197 replies

Vanessatiger · 07/09/2018 06:59

AIBU to sack her

Background to this: nanny started with us in May, we went away the whole of August. Meanwhile we agreed she’d look after the house together with the housekeeper. They’d alternate 2+2 weeks. Feed the dog etc. we found out that the nanny had not fed the dog (left it to the gardener) and she never came once to dust the house. Instead she brought her two children and her husband to have a “party” at ours. Eating, drinking, using our livingroom and the children played with our children’s toys. I think it would’ve be fine if she had asked but she didn’t. I only found out because I asked the landlord to go and fix a few broken things in the house. He said he was surprised to find our nanny and her family there using our house but asked if that was pre-arranged.

When we came back, we asked the nanny and her attitude was “nothing was damaged and taken so no big deal, they just used the house to lounge around”... i reckon they live in a smaller space so it’s nice to use our big house, but i find it quite disrespectful.
The problem is our 1,5 yr old likes her a lot. And in general she’s very good with children.

We are expats where nannies are readily available at a fraction of the costs in the UK.

What would you do?

OP posts:

ExBbqQueen · 07/09/2018 07:41

I understand your difficulty. But I think if you don’t want to fire her then you need to tell her it’s unacceptable behaviour. If she still says no big deal then get rid. Personally I think she’s taken advantage & needs to go. I couldn’t trust her with my dcs.

Miladymilord · 07/09/2018 07:42

Not feeding the dog would be a deal breaker. I'd be livid.

Original poster

Vanessatiger · 07/09/2018 07:42

I think partly it’s cultural but some of my friends say no it’s taking the piss as their nannies didn’t do that.
But she used to housesit for her previous employers and use their premises as hers and her family’s. I guess she thought she could do the same and not get found out.

OP posts:

justilou1 · 07/09/2018 07:44

She certainly doesn’t respect you enough to do what you’ve paid her to do, does she? I’d be livid about that alone! Your poor dog!

NonaGrey · 07/09/2018 07:45

“Treating the place with respect” isn’t compatible with moving you family in for the day Laiste

Would any MNer be happy with the notion that their cleaner held a family day at their house while they were away?

Or their gardener threw a family BBQ on their property while they were away? Of course not.

This woman doesn’t live in. She was only meant to be there to do light cleaning.

Can you imagine the thread the other way round:

“I’m a nanny, I used my employers house for a family party, without permission while they were away. I also didn’t do the jobs expected of me while they were gone. They’ve sacked me WIBU?”

PickledElectricity · 07/09/2018 07:45

Which country is this? Different places have different attitudes towards this kind of stuff.

You seem reluctant to fire her so I suggest you give her a formal warning, put the fear of God in her and make it clear that next time she fucks up you'll fire her on the spot.

Original poster

Vanessatiger · 07/09/2018 07:45

You’re all right, she didn’t apologise, but this culture is quite like that, non apologetic about one’s shortcoming or fault, instead it’s always something else or someone else’s.., a bit fed up really.
My husband said next one might be a little bit better but they’ll come with something else.. at least she hasn’t stolen from us!

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 07/09/2018 07:47

Cultural or not, she shoukd have asked you, and not assumed. Plus she did not do what was asked of her. She was asked to feed the dog, which she did not.

PeakedTooEarly · 07/09/2018 07:47

I do a fair bit of housesitting and in general I try to not do anything I wouldn't do in front of the householder. My last gig the gardeners were tidying up a lovely shrub and had a load of rooted pieces that they were going to put on the compost. They offered it to me and potted it up for me but I asked the householder if I could definitely have it before I left with it. That is the standard of respect I would hope someone would offer me if they were in my home also. Your nanny is well out of order and her lack of remorse is telling and it adds to the reason I would sack her.

Berthatydfil · 07/09/2018 07:47

Did you ask her to house sit?
Did she ask to use your home and possessions to entertain her family?
Did she tell you she wasn’t able to feed your dog as requested?
Did she tell you she wouldn’t be able to do the light housekeeping you had asked her to do?

If she’s the bread winner then surely she should be valueing her job and respecting your home and possessions. She’s told her in words and actions she does not.

Berthatydfil · 07/09/2018 07:47

Told you

Original poster

Vanessatiger · 07/09/2018 07:48

I did tell her if it happens again, forget about finding a new job with an expat (we pay the most and the best job conditions- frequently travelling away so they get many breaks on full pay).. she sort of understood

OP posts:

Satsumaeater · 07/09/2018 07:49

Are you in Singapore? If so the domestic staff there are treated like dog poo anyway.

I think it was ok not to feed the dog if she'd asked someone else trustworthy to do it.

The rest of it was cheeky though. Up to you whether you fire her. A final warning might be the best course of action. If she's good with your child, that is the most important thing. And it gives you breathing space to find someone else better.

LeftRightCentre · 07/09/2018 07:50

I'd sack her

Original poster

Vanessatiger · 07/09/2018 07:50

But you’re right, but this culture is also one of the laziest so when they put off work they’re told to do, mostly amongst themselves they accept it

OP posts:

Satsumaeater · 07/09/2018 07:50

I did tell her if it happens again, forget about finding a new job with an expat

why? Are you in a position to badmouth her with the entire immigrant community where you live?

SusanneLinder · 07/09/2018 07:52

Think my point was, if the gardener HADN'T fed the dog, she would just have left it.
She can't be trusted. I would get rid immediately.

NonaGrey · 07/09/2018 07:52

Satsuma expat communities are usually very tight knit. Easy enough to pop a post on a Facebook page, or mention it at a meet up.

Original poster

Vanessatiger · 07/09/2018 07:53

Not Singapore...

She’s treated very well, by us.. at least that’s what I think. She has reasonable hours, spoken to with respect as opposed to the locals who hire domestic staff (they get shouted at), full pay on sick leave etc..

OP posts:

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 07/09/2018 07:55

She didn't feed your dog, she would never set foot in my house again.
Have you considered an au pair ?

Original poster

Vanessatiger · 07/09/2018 07:55

There are about 2000 expats here, it’s very small and even smaller circle for nannies who take care of young kids.. and even smaller for those nannies who want the same kind of salary we give. Their reputation has to be taintless.. in the mumsgroup we’re about 15...

OP posts:

indianwoman · 07/09/2018 07:56

I love the way you say she gets treated very well by you, ie, you don't shout at her and pay her. Imagine she was an employee in the uk! Don't be so condescending towards her and her culture! No one should get shouted at at work! And you should pay her sick pay because that's your culture and you can afford to!

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 07/09/2018 07:56

Personally I would be concerned not only with the breach of trust but the defiant attitude when you broached the subject with her. Your DD may like her but can you trust her to follow your instructions and not just do things her own way, regardless of your wishes and any potential risk?

Original poster

Vanessatiger · 07/09/2018 07:57

The nannies wouldn’t want to work for the locals here.. they would earn 1/3 of what they’re earning and longer hours or live-in.. our nanny leaves at 5.30pm, it’s a luxury for them..

OP posts:

Juells · 07/09/2018 07:58

Is this a humble brag?

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