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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nanny brought her family over whilst we’re on holiday

197 replies

Vanessatiger · 07/09/2018 06:59

AIBU to sack her

Background to this: nanny started with us in May, we went away the whole of August. Meanwhile we agreed she’d look after the house together with the housekeeper. They’d alternate 2+2 weeks. Feed the dog etc. we found out that the nanny had not fed the dog (left it to the gardener) and she never came once to dust the house. Instead she brought her two children and her husband to have a “party” at ours. Eating, drinking, using our livingroom and the children played with our children’s toys. I think it would’ve be fine if she had asked but she didn’t. I only found out because I asked the landlord to go and fix a few broken things in the house. He said he was surprised to find our nanny and her family there using our house but asked if that was pre-arranged.

When we came back, we asked the nanny and her attitude was “nothing was damaged and taken so no big deal, they just used the house to lounge around”... i reckon they live in a smaller space so it’s nice to use our big house, but i find it quite disrespectful.
The problem is our 1,5 yr old likes her a lot. And in general she’s very good with children.

We are expats where nannies are readily available at a fraction of the costs in the UK.

What would you do?

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 07/09/2018 07:58

But this culture is also one of the laziest

Hmm
Original poster
Vanessatiger · 07/09/2018 07:59

Well, that’s the thing there are no rules or regulations concerning domestic staff here but we apply them according to how we treat employees in the west..

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 07/09/2018 08:00

but this culture is also one of the laziest so when they put off work they’re told to do, mostly amongst themselves they accept it

You don't sound like you like this 'culture' much. Come back to Brexit Britain!

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 07/09/2018 08:03

There’s nothing like telling the truth..
they are lazy (according to us) but it’s acceptable to not put in the extra work or go out of your way or even do the minimum required..

OP posts:
Socksey · 07/09/2018 08:03

OP.... are you an expat living somewhere like South Africa where your nanny is earning around R2000?
Has she worked for expat before? Is she local of from a neighbouring country? Asking .... to try to establish the norm for where you are....
Saying that, my Zimbabwean nanny would never have done it.... (I was paying her a lot more than the norm and she was amaxing) she even checked the house when she didn't need to.... DH home with baby and she wasn't sure if a man(men don't do childcare in SA) could look after a be y for a week....

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 07/09/2018 08:05

We pay the gardener weekly, since we weren’t in country for a month, the gardener thought he didn’t need to cut the grass or clean it from leaves. Grass grows very tall after a month here. When questioned he just shrugged..
that’s the general attitude here.

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 07/09/2018 08:07

Cometely untrustworthy i woukd have to get rid of someone who did not do the work expected of them while i was away yet expected to be paid for it. And having a party at your house with her family is taking the p.
All she had to do was a bit of housework and feed the dog but she didnt do any if it. Why does she think she gets paid for doing nothing?
She has absolutely no respect for you at all and is openly defiant. Not the qualities i would want in someone looking after my kids.
Get another nanny there will be plenty who are good at thier job and not treat you like crap.

LizzieSiddal · 07/09/2018 08:12

You just sound like a nasty racist.

mysteryfairy · 07/09/2018 08:13

You may pride yourself on what a good employer you are but you don’t sound like you regard people who work for you with respect to me.

I’m guessing that although she might be well paid by local standards as a proportion of your ex pat income it’s a fairly exploitative arrangement.

Cultural boundaries sound to be different in relation to the house and not all cultures regard pets and livestock in the same way.

This woman probably has no safety net if you decide to dismiss and/or ruin her reputation. For that reason alone I’m guessing she did not realise what a huge transgression you were going to regard her bringing her DC into your house. It probably was lovely for them to experience more space and your children’s toys and get to spend time with their mum during the day. It’s sad they don’t get this all the time.

shallichangemyname · 07/09/2018 08:14

I think you have to let her go. I had a lovely nanny in my expat days in the Russian Far East. She was often late and other niggles but I forgave that because she was great with the DCs.
The first summer we were away 5 weeks all she had to do was finish the ironing, make the DCs beds and have a meal ready for us to eat when we got in after a 24 hour journey, and some bread and milk etc for breakfast.
We got back to find no food at all other than a still frozen chicken in the sink. Our neighbours then told us she'd lived in the house all summer with her son. And my other neighbour was annoyed because the day before our return she'd enlisted her nanny to help with the ironing and bed making which she just hadn't done although she'd had 5 weeks.
To be honest I was more upset about walking in with 4 DCs ranging from 2-7 after 24 hours travelling to find no food. I spoke to her but didn't fire her. The details of what had really happened came out gradually and I just couldn't trust her again after that. The whole community were also talking about it, including the other nannies and she would have been ostracised. Great shame because I really liked her but she just couldn't stay after that.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 07/09/2018 08:14

My advice - let this nanny go. From your posts it's not like she asked before doing this so she wouldn't be employed by me any longer. Source a nanny you do trust from a reputable agency if necessary. Don't put up with this.
You asked her to do the following

  1. House sit for you (though you didn't explicitly state that this wasn't to include her family too)
  2. Feed the dog - she didn't do that. Combine that with the fact that she brought her family to stay in your home, they probably went through your stuff too, I wouldn't feel comfortable having them in the house again.
eeanne · 07/09/2018 08:15

Your attitude sucks as regards the culture you're living in.

Having said that, and done the expat thing with domestic staff, if I were you I would

A) give her a proper warning - written as well as explained verbally
B) start looking around for a replacement

If you find a replacement you think will work well with your son then sack the first one.

There is a bit of expat guilt at disciplining staff for bad behavior because they rely so heavily on the income you provide, but you're not their fairy godmother, you're their employer. No way in hell a nanny in the UK can invite her family over to her employer's home, use their food, drink, and household items, and expect to keep her job or get a good reference.

Juells · 07/09/2018 08:18

It probably was lovely for them to experience more space and your children’s toys and get to spend time with their mum during the day.

That's a bit ridiculous. If you yourself were working for a multi-millionaire would you apply the same rules and move your family in while your boss was on holiday? The OP doesn't come across well, but that doesn't mean anyone can make free with her house while she's away.

DoraJar · 07/09/2018 08:18

I suggest you up sticks and move to where the culture isn’t so lazy and will bend to your every whim

DoraJar · 07/09/2018 08:19

That’ll teach them

Vanessatiger · 07/09/2018 08:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NewPapaGuinea · 07/09/2018 08:22

Official warning and move on. It’s not THAT terrible.

ExBbqQueen · 07/09/2018 08:23

What you need to do is say you are going away for 5 weeks come back after 3 instead & see what’s going on with gardener etc....

Friends had to do this with this with a holiday home they had housekeeper who was using it to entertain when they weren’t there. So they tricked her. Thing is had she asked they’d have been ok with it. It’s the not asking.

HopefullyAnonymous · 07/09/2018 08:23

What a horrible, nasty thread bordering on racist.

NonaGrey · 07/09/2018 08:25

It probably was lovely for them to experience more space and your children’s toys and get to spend time with their mum during the day. It’s sad they don’t get this all the time.

Why is it sad? Plenty of women in the U.K. and all
Round the world work full time and aren’t with their children all day.

Would you move your family into your bosses house if you happen to have keys? Of course you wouldn’t.

heartsease68 · 07/09/2018 08:30

Are you on SA? It alwaysy amazes me the way white South Africans sit on their bottoms explaining how lazy the 'blacks' as if the fairies are operating their washing machines and mopping their floors. It's like a massive cultural blindspot. They have never entered a township in their lives but are convinced it is full of people being lazy (the reality is that many of those people lack the documents that would allow them to work and will never be able to get them while many others are paying for the privilege to work because their wages go on extortionate travel costs getting to and from white communities and their ghettos. White SA tell each other these myths and really believe them. It is both hilarious and disgusting.

itbemay · 07/09/2018 08:30

Shes a CF chancer, if she hadn't got 'caught' she wouldn't have told you, if you feel awful firing her, give her a months notice, makes it easier on both sides?

Liverpool23 · 07/09/2018 08:30

Wow!! I am a nanny to a very wealthy family who understandably have a much more lavish lifestyle than mine but in NO WAY would I EVER do this!! I'm genuinely really shocked. Not only with what she did in the first place but her attitude afterwards! I'm Not sure if anyone has mentioned this yet but 18 month olds are incredibly adaptable. Your child may love her and so I get why you are really questioning yourself, it shows you are a goof parent however within 2 weeks (if not less) your child will be okay if you decide to fire her.

Liverpool23 · 07/09/2018 08:31

*good

heartsease68 · 07/09/2018 08:32

How can you be simultaneously an expat and ' the same race as them'?

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