Nanny brought her family over whilst we’re on holiday

[Vanessatiger]

AIBU to sack her

Background to this: nanny started with us in May, we went away the whole of August. Meanwhile we agreed she’d look after the house together with the housekeeper. They’d alternate 2+2 weeks. Feed the dog etc. we found out that the nanny had not fed the dog (left it to the gardener) and she never came once to dust the house. Instead she brought her two children and her husband to have a “party” at ours. Eating, drinking, using our livingroom and the children played with our children’s toys. I think it would’ve be fine if she had asked but she didn’t. I only found out because I asked the landlord to go and fix a few broken things in the house. He said he was surprised to find our nanny and her family there using our house but asked if that was pre-arranged.

When we came back, we asked the nanny and her attitude was “nothing was damaged and taken so no big deal, they just used the house to lounge around”... i reckon they live in a smaller space so it’s nice to use our big house, but i find it quite disrespectful.
The problem is our 1,5 yr old likes her a lot. And in general she’s very good with children.

We are expats where nannies are readily available at a fraction of the costs in the UK.

What would you do?

Caling somebody lazy isn’t rascism, the whole country is pretty lazy

Describing a whole country as lazy sounds pretty racist to me.

and that’s a united consensus from people who have lived here

So people like you?

the nanny had not fed the dog

I would sack her for this alone!

I would let her go too & make it crystal clear to the new nanny what is acceptable and what is not

I would like to point out that the disparaging attitude towards the 'other' culture goes both ways in countries with a large number of expats; I grew up in the ME with an Arab dad and British mum, so was privy to all the attitudes available. None of them were positive I'd list them here but it would prob get me banned.....

OP doesn't sound particularly racist to me, I have to say. Racist is when you hear your mum and her friends spend an hour chatting over the relative pros and cons of maids from India or the Philippines and going into considerable detail on intelligence, cleanliness and problem-solving skills

All the fish died! That’s awful.

Perhaps you could formally discipline/warn her? You are her employer after all so, actually, you call the shots. If she doesn't like it, she'll leave anyway and your conscience will be clear.

Wow! I would sack her, but would you be able to find someone with a better attitude if, as you say, this the general attitude? Can you have a more formal agreement about what is required, and what is not allowed? In terms of culture, I have a housekeeper from that part of the world and she certainly doesn't have this attitude.

The example of the shoes you gave. If people from that culture came to the UK and said, "British people are so dirty. Such a dirty culture compared to our very clean culture." Wouldn't you consider that wrong thinking when a country is hosting you?

Wrong thinking? It's their culture! I can see their point - but it's my culture not to worry much about invisible dirt on carpets. They're entitled to their opinions, I can't see why I'd have a problem with having them ask me to take my shoes off at the door - although they'd have a problem because removals aren't going to do it in the UK because of health and safety. I don't see why they have to abandon their opinions and accept the host country's ways at all - although I would prefer they weren't rude about it!

It is not about noble savagery at all. It is about attributing a superior value/ worth to your own culture and looking down on another.

It is - because you're saying that the host country's culture is superior than the OP's own - that the OP shouldn't criticise it - but that's silly - why shouldn't an asian criticise people tramping dirty shoes into their house if they're living in the UK? Why would it not be fine for me to critisise expecting delivery men to take of their shoes in Singapore? Why, if we moved back to our respective countries would that criticism suddenly be fine?

One culture isn't automatically unquestionable just because it's the majority one where you happen to be living right now - we all hold opinions.

Ooh sorry if I'm repeating anything, just saw there were five more pages!

It takes a lot of neglect to kill fish.

And for those saying "It's not the nanny's job to dust etc" there have been threads on here where people have said - "We're away for a fortnight. AIBU to ask the Nanny to run the hoover round eonce a week/ feet the rabbit/ iron my and DH's clothes for us coming back even though she is really here to look after the kids? She will be getting full pay and it's only a couple of hours work a week." And everybody has said things like "YANBU" and "As long as you don't ask her to clean out the septic tank and service the boiler YANBU" etc.

Strictly speaking, I suppose the Nanny could say "No - not my job", but for the sake of an hour or two of light housework and good relationship with the employer, I doubt that most would mind. In return, they get an extra couple of weeks paid holiday.

I would say that I am NOT a nanny, nor have I ever been wealthy enough to have employed a nanny, so I accept that I may be talking out of my bum here.

*once a week

*feed the rabbit

You have a nanny, housekeeper and gardener? misses point of thread

That does seem cheeky of her OP. Especially since she used your home to entertain her children but couldn't be bothered to feed the dog I'd start looking for a new nanny

@Fan. Interesting arguments.

Can you see the difference between thinking wearing shoes in the house is dirty and thinking we are culturally dirty? Can you see the difference between asking someone to take their shoes off in your house, but not thinking that those people who don't ask people to take shoes off are dirty people? It's called ACCEPTANCE of difference. It's not complex.

because you're saying that the host country's culture is superior than the OP's own

I never said this. I don't think this. Why does one have to be better and one worse, which such loaded adjectives as lazy, rude, dirty etc. (Laid-back is a much better word OP, it does not carry moral inferiority). How about they are equal? A superior attitude is quite common amongst ex pats as reddress pointed out and that's what appeared to be coming across.

I think you should give a written warning or whatever the equivalent is about using the house. About the dog you might need to be a bit more understanding of how large parts of the world feel about dogs and ask someone else to do this next time. If you sack her in such a small community with her good reputation it might come back to bite you.

I've always had delivery drivers remove their shoes in my house (in UK). I tend to make a snap decision about whether I take shoes off or leave them on when I get a look inside someone else's front door.

Actually, where is this country where you can do bugger all work and your employers merely tut and roll their eyes? I want to move there.

Discreetly closes down MN on work PC...

Can you see the difference between thinking wearing shoes in the house is dirty and thinking we are culturally dirty?

yes, and in my experience, if you speak to people that don't agree with the shoe/house thing, or the bidet/toilet paper thing - they think we are culturally dirty people. I had a japanese friend who would wash the cutlery in my house before using it (I used a dishwasher) because she didn't like the way it was out on the side. She thought I was disgusting for doing it, and worried about my other habits (her boyfriend was our friend originally, and confessed this one evening)

I think you're adding moral judgement onto words personally.

I would definitely describe someone who wasn't doing their clearly laid out job as lazy. That's not laid back, that's lazy.

I'm living in Rome right now. The cashiers at the supermarket are awful - morose, unhelpful, they throw your stuff down the till, and don't wait for another person to finish. I do make a value judgement on this. Cashiers in Rome are worse than cashiers in the UK. When I worked in Asda I would have been disciplined for working this way.

On the other hand, in the UK, people are unbelievably uptight about parking and obeying the most tiny of rules without thought about what actually was trying to be achieved. People in Rome are much more easy going around that.

Things can be better and worse. Things aren't all equal. On balance, I find that yes, things are about the same everywhere, but there are better bits and worse bits to everywhere I've lived. To pretend there aren't is ridiculous.

Total disrespect
She needs to go.

So you have a nanny, a housekeeper, a gardener..... And a landlord????

So you have a nanny, a housekeeper, a gardener..... And a landlord????

AFAIK, it's pretty standard in some countries. For immigrants working contracts for just a few years is normal to rent. Or to rent when first getting to the country.

@Crunchymum not unusual for expats. You often won’t be in one place for long so although you may need staff you may not want to buy a property iyswim?

I get it, someone abused your trust regardless of which country anyone is in, from or going to.

As your husband said, pick your battles and if she's essentially good with the children, then continue to employ her, but perhaps make different arrangements when you're next away.

TBH, ALL of them are a waste of space! They knew what needed to be done and not one of them gave a shit about any of it to do even the most basic of checking.

When it comes to all the fish dying, that's neglectful and not giving a shiny shit.

I would bollock the absolute lot of them. I would fire the nanny, for sure. The other 2 would be on a final warning.

How often did your dog get fed?

And yep, living abroad DOES make a difference, I've lived in a few countries and it absolutely IS relevant that there are different aspects and traits.

Was the dog alone at your home 24/7 for a month with just someone coming in to feed (and maybe walk) it?

Fire her. How can you trust her?