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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Nanny brought her family over whilst we’re on holiday

197 replies

Vanessatiger · 07/09/2018 06:59

AIBU to sack her

Background to this: nanny started with us in May, we went away the whole of August. Meanwhile we agreed she’d look after the house together with the housekeeper. They’d alternate 2+2 weeks. Feed the dog etc. we found out that the nanny had not fed the dog (left it to the gardener) and she never came once to dust the house. Instead she brought her two children and her husband to have a “party” at ours. Eating, drinking, using our livingroom and the children played with our children’s toys. I think it would’ve be fine if she had asked but she didn’t. I only found out because I asked the landlord to go and fix a few broken things in the house. He said he was surprised to find our nanny and her family there using our house but asked if that was pre-arranged.

When we came back, we asked the nanny and her attitude was “nothing was damaged and taken so no big deal, they just used the house to lounge around”... i reckon they live in a smaller space so it’s nice to use our big house, but i find it quite disrespectful.
The problem is our 1,5 yr old likes her a lot. And in general she’s very good with children.

We are expats where nannies are readily available at a fraction of the costs in the UK.

What would you do?

OP posts:

heartsease68 · 07/09/2018 08:33

And why aren't you lazy if you're not doing your own ironing?

deepsea · 07/09/2018 08:37

Sack her now and find someone more trustworthy. This arrangement is never ever going to work.

Miladymilord · 07/09/2018 08:38

I have a cleaner and I'd sack her if she didn't do what I asked.

eelbecomingforyou · 07/09/2018 08:40

She didn't feed the dog as she'd agreed to
She didn't dust as she'd agreed to
She allowed her entire family to use your house

Fire her. Gross misconduct. Tough on her - this is ALL her fault.

Shoxfordian · 07/09/2018 08:41

Mm not sure I like your attitude op
I would sack her as well though, she breached your trust

SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/09/2018 08:42

If she had brought the children over as she had no childcare, whilst working, and they quietly entertained themselves, fair enough. Ie, watched tv, did some colouring etc , that’s nots so bad

However, to use your house as free child entertainment, and to play with all your kids toys, that’s wrong

This - I hate to say this, but I would fire her if she did this to me - it is a total abuse of trust, and you will never feel comfortable leaving her in your home again. She didn't even undertake the duties she had agreed to eg feeding your dog. How do you know she treats the dog properly when you aren't there, if this is her attitude?

It seems from your post that she isn't even apologetic - she sounds quite defiant and self-justifying. If that is her attitude I would worry that she would continue to abuse your trust.

I would feel dreadful letting her go - probably give her a few weeks wages - but I couldn't, in all conscience feel comfortable with her again.

It's an awful situation for you both, but she is the one who has put herself in it.

LaContessaDiPlump · 07/09/2018 08:42

I'd get another (additional) lock fitted on any access doors, and only lock them when you go away somewhere. That way when she tries to gain access when you're on holiday, she won't be able to get in.

If she's otherwise a good Nanny then I wouldn't fire her, no. Plus you have no guarantee the next person won't try to the same!

brookshelley · 07/09/2018 08:43

How can you be simultaneously an expat and ' the same race as them'?

So if a white British person gets posted to Australia for work, they're not an expat? It's not a racial term...

TheresAlwaysAnAskHole · 07/09/2018 08:48

If you're children like her then for me that trumps everything, I'd try and explain to her that if she wants her family over in future then she must ask. Don't use her as a housekeeper, she is a nanny. Also, the gardener may have took the role upon himself so she left him to it? How would he know whether the nanny had fed the dog? If he asked her and she had not done it yet, he may have done it so she didn't feed the dog again and wouldn't see the issue if the gardener kept feeding the dog, she may not have wanted to impose on his relationship with your dog.

I'm inclined to feel sorry for her, those few days at your house would have been like a holiday for her children. Maybe she had been allowed to do it with other families and presumed it was generally accepted?

heartsease68 · 07/09/2018 08:49

I presumed she was saying she was also black? If she is in SA she is being extremely disingenuous calling herself the same race unless she is also black as that's how they see it.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/09/2018 08:53

It probably was lovely for them to experience more space and your children’s toys and get to spend time with their mum during the day. It’s sad they don’t get this all the time.

My children have never experienced the joys of living in a royal household as a member of the royal family, but I would never have dreamed of popping into Buck Hose with them while the Queen was at Balmoral!

By the standards of her country, this woman is well paid and well treated. Possibly because OP doesn't treat her like shit, she doesn't respect her employer.

I don't see anything racist in stating facts - some cultures are more "laid-back" than others, and this from a western perspective could be described as "lazy".

But when push comes to shove - she was being paid to carry out certain house keeping duties, she not only didn't carry them out, but she made use, without permission, of the OP's home.

I wonder how many of you who are saying "no harm done" would be quite so comfortable with your own home being used like this - your personal space effectively invaded, personal items used etc.

I wouldn't like it.

Like the OP I would probably have agreed to her bringing her children to work with her had I been asked, but not to them using my own children's belongings. It isn't acceptable.

Saracen · 07/09/2018 09:05

If cultural differences mean that the standards for how a nanny behaves are different where you live, then your nanny genuinely wouldn't have anticipated a problem with what she did. If you fire her, you will probably end up with another nanny who would do similar things, won't you?

I wouldn't tolerate a British nanny behaving like this, because she would know that it isn't considered acceptable... so if she did it anyway then that would equate to total incompetence, poor judgement, and general untrustworthiness.

What your nanny actually did caused no serious problems for you. It seems like the issue is that you think she should have known better, and now you can't trust her. But if her behaviour is acceptable by her culture's standards, then she wouldn't have known you would object unless you had very specifically told her, for example, "never bring guests to my house without asking permission first".

I think you should keep her on because your child is attached to her. That counts for a lot. Lay down clearer rules to help avoid misunderstandings, but accept that there will be some misunderstandings.

PolkerrisBeach · 07/09/2018 09:06

How can you be simultaneously an expat and ' the same race as them'

Very easily... someone born to Indian parents living in the UK, grew up here, went to school here. Then move out to Delhi to live/work. They are from an Indian background through their parents but classed as expats as they're British. Hardly difficult to understand.

OP I think you have to get rid. Massive breach of trust. Her financial situation is not your problem. I know that my cleaner is a single mum who struggles with childcare during school holidays. She ASKED if it would be OK if she brought her 7 year old with while she worked, she didn't just assume it would be fine. That's normal and polite, whatever the culture.

FanWithoutAGuard · 07/09/2018 09:08

I would fire this nanny - it's clearly not acceptable behaviour, and she didn't even do the small tasks you'd asked of her.

Your attitude sucks as regards the culture you're living in

I find these types of comments racist - social norms differ between cultures, people are allowed to find aspects of other people's cultures good or bad compared to their own.

(for a mumsnetty example, when I lived in Asia, it was unheard of to wear shoes in the house - even the removal people took their shoes off while carrying a washing machine in - people from there would be horrified at my mum and dad tramping arounnd on indoors carpet in their outdoor shoes and think it unbelievably dirty, and it's fine they feel that way)

This idea that you have to respect every aspect of a host country's culture is ridiculous - cultures come from people, just like us, and sometimes they do things that are rude or lazy for people from another culture. To say they don't is ridiculous and veering close to the whole 'noble savage' stereotype.

Spanglyprincess1 · 07/09/2018 09:10

I lived overseas with staff for a few years. Fire her. Honestly this will get much worse else. My contracts stated not entering property for non work based tasks as requested. This is a breach of trust, I'd sack them for dog alone.

whoaskedyou · 07/09/2018 09:21

You have to be able to trust the people you employ in your home otherwise you'll need to fit CCTV throughout ! A clear but firmly worded code of conduct could be issued laying out expectations and unacceptable behaviour but it could easily get a bit draconian and paranoid.

What kind of relationship do you want with your 'staff'?

Snappedandfarted2018 · 07/09/2018 09:21

Sounds like your equally lazy then because you can’t be bothered to cook, clean tend to the garden or look after your kids? Your whole attitude towards the country and culture is disgusting and distasteful.

SlothMama · 07/09/2018 09:22

I'd fire her, I wouldn't be able to trust her with my house again.

NonaGrey · 07/09/2018 09:23

How can you be simultaneously an expat and ' the same race as them'?

Heart really? You can’t think up an answer to that with two minutes of thought?

Are white British people in American not expats? British people in France or Spain?

She could be a Black British person living in Africa or an Indian British person in India. She’d still be an expat.

HeckyPeck · 07/09/2018 09:28

Sounds like your equally lazy then because you can’t be bothered to cook, clean tend to the garden or look after your kids?

Someone employed to do a job who then can’t be bothered to do it is lazy.

It’s very different to people employing others to look after their children while they work!

QuizzlyBear · 07/09/2018 09:29

@LizzieSiddal
How is the OP racist?
Racism is judging people by the colour of their skin or the place of their birth - she's judging them by their actions, which is surely how we'd all prefer to be 'judged' 🤔

TacoFriday · 07/09/2018 09:30

You can always tell who’s lived abroad and who’s a keyboard warrior in these threads

MerryMarigold · 07/09/2018 09:35

The example of the shoes you gave. If people from that culture came to the UK and said, "British people are so dirty. Such a dirty culture compared to our very clean culture." Wouldn't you consider that wrong thinking when a country is hosting you? It is not about noble savagery at all. It is about attributing a superior value/ worth to your own culture and looking down on another.

Liverpool23 · 07/09/2018 09:37

My comment was made as a British nanny living in the UK so although I am still shocked that people can behave in this way it does change things slightly.
You mention that it is a very small expat community and so if the nanny is fired she will find it difficult to get another job with a similar expat family (paraphrasing a little I know) however could this not work the other way around too? If you do fire her straight away could that not lead to you getting a ''difficult family'' label within the nanny community and as such find it hard to get another nanny?
I, personally am not saying you are a difficult family to work with or not so please don't take it the wrong way but I suppose it is just a different perspective and something to think about

MerryMarigold · 07/09/2018 09:38

Taco. I was born on another continent to British parents and lived abroad for many years of my life. I am married to someone from another continent whose immediate family still live there and we often visit I live on the continent of Europe. And yes, expat attitude often stinks.

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