to think our DC should come before £25?

[WaitingRoom1]

Posted this in nurseries. Bit scared of AIBU... decided to just go ahead and post!

Went to view a lovely nursery today. DH couldn't come (boring story).

It's AMAZING. But an extra £50 per month compared to other nurseries.

Really frustrated as he wants to save the £50 and send our baby to a cheaper and not as good nursery. We will both be paying for this so it's only an extra £25 a month each and we are both on good wages. He thinks the money can be spent on something else.

What would you do in a situation like this? Where you can't agree? Both agree that it's the best nursery but he's not willing to part with the extra £25.

Im frustrated by it and don't want to give in and send our baby to a good but not quite AS good nursery. He won't back down ether and thinks the money is more important (first child and we make £65k a year between us with small mortgage and minor outgoings. He has a DS who is in school and he pays maintenance for).
I'm also dropping my hours at work, which whilst this will be part of my contribution to childcare, I'm also sacrificing some pension, annual leave, part of my bonus, promotion opportunity etc etc. It seems unfair that I'm doing this and he won't sacrifice £25...

WWYD?

We pay £46.50 a day in NW. We pay £180 more per child for 3 days a week than we could get childcare for and we have had two children in at the same time. I don't care. I love the nursery and I feel happy leaving them there. I had some concerns over previous childcare (nursery only used to take children from 2).
£50 is nothing. Children do the most developing in that timeframe.

I would make a point of privately writing down all the £ he spends on unnecessary stuff for himself (treats, convenience etc) and his older DC and pint out his double standards.

The right/best childcare for each child is so important. I would force him to go for a visit it may visually impress him that £25 more does look like >£25 better IYSWIM.

Glad you aren't compromising. I would suggest making savings in buying 2nd hand clothes and various equipment to prove that you are not about having the "best" in everything.

This is good advice.

he sounds like he may not be a long term prospect so you should prioritise your career

It’s alarming that he is quibbling with you over this when he is prioritising spend on cars, coffee and plastic toys.
You should try and keep your options open

“I honestly just want what is best for our baby and he is being so, so tight.”

Stop selling it to him from this angle.

Once you factor in nappies and wipes included, you start to close that gap between the “expensive” and “affordable” nursery.

Add on to that late pick-up fees [longer opening hours - sounds like you will need them] and the difference is negligible.

I’d register for the place and have the discussion later.

It's not just paying for nappies and wipes, the convenience of not packing them everyday and yes on day late pick up could wipe out any savings!

He wants the best child care option, he just wants you to pay for it because it means more to you. A pretty obvious case of emotional blackmail.

Dont go part time.
He Already has a child so why doesnt he know the cost of childcare? Did he pay his maintenance and assume that gave his ex the life of Riley?

Don’t sacrifice your pension and future career for a man who will not have a discussion with you

Staffing ratios and consistent high ofsted and personal recommendation. I would pay it myself. Clearly the right choice. Those issues are priceless. Also maybe express the price differential (after adjustment for nappies etc) as a percentage. What a short sighted view he's taking.

You sound a lovely mum btw xx

Based on my experience with my dh, I think it’s very likely that once the baby is actually here he’ll want to send it to the more expensive nursery. It doesn’t sound as though he is tight with his older child so there’s no reason to think he will be with this one.

The moment my dh held our dc he would have given them the world. Before that, especially with our first, not so much. He needed to have them there. Before that it was too abstract for him maybe you could put the baby’s name on both lists if you have to before baby is born and then have the conversation again when dc is here?

My dp never really "got" the costs of childcare. Not that he's mean, I actually am quite mean with money. He's terrible with money and sees his overdraft as available for spending etc. When I went back to work I worked out how much the childcare would cost after us both claiming childcare vouchers and a contribution from my dad, and when I went back to work after my second maternity leave I worked it this out again and asked him to contribute half. He only paid it once or twice. Nearly 3 years after my 2nd return to work after maternity leave, as things were easing a bit, and they would have been much easier after another school year once both kids went to school full time, I was made redundant, and decided to take a year off as I had nothing left of a reasonable wage after full time childcare for DS2, part time and holiday care for DS1, even taking into account two lots of childcare vouchers etc. I actually earned a bit more than DP, perhaps 55%+ of our household income. I haven't applied for a job since, it's been 6 years, I need to go back and I'm having a crisis of confidence. I've tried to make dp understand how difficult it was paying for most of childcare alone, apart from his claim for childcare vouchers, but I think he'll never completely get it.

So yes, very naive about costs of childcare and other things.

Hope you can persuade him to look at your preferred option and see for himself why and sell him the real financial comparisons. Don't let him get away with not understanding your financial reality, or you mat still be upset about it many years later, and which nursery is only the first decision where you will have to thrash out different perspectives - soon it will be which primary, which secondary etc!"

I've tried to make dp understand how difficult it was paying for most of childcare alone, apart from his claim for childcare vouchers, but I think he'll never completely get it

He does get it. He just doesn’t care .

£50 a month
£12.50 a week

That includes nappies wipes and food and late opening - which will be a godsend!!!

Many nurseries charge late fees

Honestly he sounds a selfish git

He will spend hundreds on a car and gym but not a few pounds a day on his child’s childcare

elkiedee amazed he’s still a dp. He’d be my ex.

timeisnotaline, these things are complicated. You might think the same thing if he posted on MN about our situation from his own point of view. What I posted is only part of it. But I think it's easy to find that, whatever your views and a partner's views on equality, if you have a baby and take maternity leave, the father will not do an equal share of considering childcare options and visiting and deciding, even if they pay an equal share or more towards it.

Since my experience of working full time with two small children in childcare, I have actually taken several years off work after redundancy (and my last boss's death from cancer) and dp's income plus supplementary financial resources have supported us. The house is in my name. But there are trade offs for both of us. I now want to go back to work and but will need to be very clear about what our financial priorities have to be, as the mortgage term ends in the same year DS1 turns 18 and finishes school, probably A levels, followed by DS2 two years later. So keeping a roof over our heads and supporting the kids through any educational plans will be most important, and dp has come to understand that better.

Not read it all but with tax free childcare it’s probably only £20. Look at how each does 30 hours, if the better one is advantageous to your argument mention it. We’ve had an ofsted outstanding nursery and an ofsted good. The outstanding is a different class.

Agree with WombatChocolate. He really needs to see the other nursery at leastthen you need to discuss carefully which factors exactly make one nursery better than another. Tbh I’m a bit cynical about teaching babies a foreign language and some things I’ve read suggest it could Be pointless at that age. The fact that nappies and wipes are included though should be taken into account as it effectively reduces the cost.

£50 isn’t nothing though; especially as he already has a DC from a previous relationship he has other costs (maintenance) and responsibilities and there are many other things that the money could be spent on, including things like extra pension contributions for you as you mention they will be decreasing.

The baby won't care.