to think our DC should come before £25?

[WaitingRoom1]

Posted this in nurseries. Bit scared of AIBU... decided to just go ahead and post!

Went to view a lovely nursery today. DH couldn't come (boring story).

It's AMAZING. But an extra £50 per month compared to other nurseries.

Really frustrated as he wants to save the £50 and send our baby to a cheaper and not as good nursery. We will both be paying for this so it's only an extra £25 a month each and we are both on good wages. He thinks the money can be spent on something else.

What would you do in a situation like this? Where you can't agree? Both agree that it's the best nursery but he's not willing to part with the extra £25.

Im frustrated by it and don't want to give in and send our baby to a good but not quite AS good nursery. He won't back down ether and thinks the money is more important (first child and we make £65k a year between us with small mortgage and minor outgoings. He has a DS who is in school and he pays maintenance for).
I'm also dropping my hours at work, which whilst this will be part of my contribution to childcare, I'm also sacrificing some pension, annual leave, part of my bonus, promotion opportunity etc etc. It seems unfair that I'm doing this and he won't sacrifice £25...

WWYD?

I would just pay it myself if it was that important to me. Sometimes spouses disagree with things.

OP, the language makes sense for you, as you have explained, however for other people, don’t bank on it.

I would go back to him and say ok, this nursery is not acceptable to you because of cost, the other one is not acceptable to me because of x. Please come tell me if there are any other options you want to put on the table. I’m going to put baby on the waiting list because its important to me, you can do the same at the other nursery if you wish. Let’s talk seriously about this again in 2 weeks, if we haven’t worked anything out by then. -He won’t bother because its too much effort, you will get your nursery choice and you will be the default parent and wifeworker sorting everything for ever while he pulls you back and moans about the decisions he does not support you with- but seriously OP, how you talk about this and work stuff out will lay a pattern for your relationship.

OP,, what would happen if you just told him that the more expensive nursery was the one you are going with, that YOU were making the decision?
Because I think you should do that.

Just a thought, if you're entitled to child benefit (as long as you both earn under 50k a year you'll be entitled) use that money for the shortfall? It's £80 a month and would easily cover it.

Personally I'd go with my gut. And if he wouldn't budge I'd just pay it myself.

If his only reason is the cost, he needs to be comparing them properly, ie better nursery all inclusive v cheaper nursery + nappy, food and wipes. I bet the cheaper one comes out more.

But I wouldn’t allow him to exercise this power in the first place. It doesn’t bode well for the future.

Going back to work is emotionally hard. I could only go back knowing my babies were somewhere I was happy with.

I pay an ‘extra’ £36 per week to send my DS to the Childminder I wanted (against a cheaper lady I found). For me my DS being in the best care was the main thing as long as I could afford it obviously! I think if it’s the best and you can afford it you should pay it. They have the most important thing in your life to look after, why would you want to scrimp on that!

I am 100% on side OP, put your name down today ! 🌸

WIBU to say fine then I'm not dropping hours, we can put baby in childcare full time and it'll cost you at least £25 more A WEEK?!

You would be unreasonable to go back PT to enable a man like this. VERY unreasonable and financially foolish. He's cheap and selfish inherently, probably why things broke down with the mother of his first child. He will always look after himself first. So you need to as well. No 50/50, either, unless you're on the same wage. I'd go back to work FT no matter what. You're onto a loser here with him. Wouldn't have another child with him, either. That's look throwing petrol on a flame with a person like this.

Also, please ignore all the sneering about teaching young children languages. No wonder this country has such low levels of second language attainment. On the continent, most nurseries provide some second language tuition and it brings obvious cognitive and linguistic benefits. Opinions on this thread suggesting teaching young toddlers languages is a waste of time show a profound lack of understanding about how children and adults acquire language.

Was going to say exactly this.

OP you go for the nursery you think best and don’t back down.

Ours is £8.50 an hour excluding food, nappies etc. Not in London. We earn the same as you and also pay for after school childcare for our other DC. It's a lot but I can't think of anything else I'd rather spend money on.

Worth bearing in mind that it will only be for about 2 years then you'll get free hours to reduce the cost.

Also, please ignore all the sneering about teaching young children languages. No wonder this country has such low levels of second language attainment

Sadly most people don’t understand that if you want your child to learn a second language, it’s imperative they start learning before the age of three. After this age, unless you have a natural aptitude, it’s very difficult to learn a language naturally/fluently.

OP, you know what’s best and what you can afford. I hope your husband comes around sooner rather than later, otherwise I can see a lot of money arguments in the future.

Absolutely spend the cash on a better nursery. Be certain it is the better of the two, though, and don’t be swayed by gimmicks like teaching foreign languages to babies...

It's okay I kind of ignored the comments about language. I'm bilingual and speak semi fluently in two other languages, and my parents speak 4 languages between them. Think between us we know what's best language wise

I pay £6.50 an hour so £65 a day, not including any food/nappies etc.

At a guess I would say £12-15pm on nappies and wipes for those hours (although more when they're younger) and maybe another £20 on food.

Re language I totally get why you'd want to get your baby to speak your native language.
What I was referring to, as is the case with some private schools, is where they offer to teach a really hard sounding language to very little children, eg Chinese, but in reality they will learn 0-10 and 'welcome' but the pretentiousness of the claim makes all the parents go wow! That has no bearing on a child being fluent in a language-OP's situation is different.
Nothing wrong with wanting to teach a language-my own children are bilingual, but it wouldn't be my reason for sending to a nursery.

Go with the nursery you want. It sounds as though it is the better option for you.

If you are not sure with DH, make him a spreadsheet. Put down the costs of both nurseries, but then list in the cost of all the extras that are not included in the cheaper nursery so he sees how little the difference actually is.

Longer hours in nursery will be so much more useful. If he wants shorter hours then tell him he needs to factor in picking up the child. He will then have to factor in the potential fines for late collection and lost wages leaving early to collect the child.

Tell him he also has to factor in hiring a language tutor as well.

Giving him an actual breakdown on costs may help him see there is not much different and take him to see both - if he sees your preferred nursery he may be more easily swayed.

This is about so much more than £25. Don't just pay the money without addressing the issue of him not prioritizing your child! Go back and visit and take him with you, and be clear this IS where your child is going as it's the best place and has lots to offer.

73 a day not including nappies and wipes but they do have a 5 acre farm, oodles of outside space, forest school and ballet classes as well as an excellent preschool room. It was the best nursery by far and we felt so sure DD would be safe and happy.

We couldnt afford it. I only earn 75 before tax. We ended up putting DD 2 days nursery and 2 days childminder to break even. We went full time at nursery when the 30 free hours kicked in. DD has thrived.

I dont regret it for a moment.

would it cost much for language lessons? I justified the nursery cost as all the extras meant we didnt have to pay for forest school or dance classes.

We are spending £150 a month more on the nursery I liked most compared to the second choice. I went to several and picked the one that felt the best. My DH was on board as it's MUCH more important you are happy to leave your child at the right nursery than money.

In your situation I would absolutely insist.

Surely most 'aware' parents should know that children's brains are most plastic before the age of 5. You literally can't replicate the brain connections that are made in the early years, so I'd say childcare is the biggest investment you can make in your child's future.

Also it's evidenced that the phonological 'awareness' of different language sounds have to come before children are 2 - although as the op is bilingual that won't be an essential from nursery, but I'd never say language learning is a waste of time.

I'm a childminder and have always found that the early years 'goals' for tinnies are very easy to exceed... Until I had an older toddler join me from another setting. Oh my goodness, he wasn't forming sentences, couldn't focus on an activity, threw toys, hit, was oblivious to the other children and barged through their play... I had younger children who were far outperforming him on every level.

It's not that I'm pushy or 'academic' with children, I just take every opportunity to help them learn through play, so reading, singing, counting the steps to the playground/legs on the spider, taking turns, asking to play or for a toy instead of snatching, working out if we need quarters/ eighths/ thirds /sixths of apple at snack time and which colour plates we have and if they match the cups, then noting who is opposite/next to/between who. None of it is rocket science, it just takes an interested & motivated adult who is interested in the development of the children.

In a nursery with a very fluid workforce the children won't bond with the carers in the same way and the carers probably won't have that interest in developing the children, as they know they're leaving in a few months.

I agree with you op. If you can afford it, go for the more expensive option.

We pay £51 a day in London . We chose a slightly more expensive option as it has a nicer outside space.

I'm putting the name down on the list. Not going to look at any other nurseries. Had a good think about it and I'm not willing to compromise.

I think you answered half the problem in your original post OP - DH never saw the nursery - I think don't compromise, but do soften things by making another appointment that DH can attend with you.

You also said he has a DS, is he perhaps concerned about how things will be portrayed if your DC goes to nursery that perhaps DS didn't go to, or if it looks like he is favouring one child over another?

If you can afford it, and it feels right, then it is the right choice to make.

Sounds like he spends more than £25 a month on treats for his other child. He's probably just fretting about money and hasn't bought in to this nursery being so much better. Take him to see it, and explain how hard to would be for you to see him treat himself and his DS to things if your child were in an inferior nursery.

And don't just pay the difference out of child benefit - it sounds like you have separate finances and you'll need that money to make up for lost income.