to think our DC should come before £25?

[WaitingRoom1]

Posted this in nurseries. Bit scared of AIBU... decided to just go ahead and post!

Went to view a lovely nursery today. DH couldn't come (boring story).

It's AMAZING. But an extra £50 per month compared to other nurseries.

Really frustrated as he wants to save the £50 and send our baby to a cheaper and not as good nursery. We will both be paying for this so it's only an extra £25 a month each and we are both on good wages. He thinks the money can be spent on something else.

What would you do in a situation like this? Where you can't agree? Both agree that it's the best nursery but he's not willing to part with the extra £25.

Im frustrated by it and don't want to give in and send our baby to a good but not quite AS good nursery. He won't back down ether and thinks the money is more important (first child and we make £65k a year between us with small mortgage and minor outgoings. He has a DS who is in school and he pays maintenance for).
I'm also dropping my hours at work, which whilst this will be part of my contribution to childcare, I'm also sacrificing some pension, annual leave, part of my bonus, promotion opportunity etc etc. It seems unfair that I'm doing this and he won't sacrifice £25...

WWYD?

So he isn’t willing to spend an extra 83p per day for your child. I’m sorry but he doesn’t sound like a great long term prospect. Stinginess is such an unattractive quality.

I don't think lying would be a good idea and seeing it as a fight to be won isn't either.

There will be a way to resolve this. Him visiting both nurseries will be a start.

Stop feeling outraged about this man - it isn't that he doesn't love the child or doesn't want to spend on the child. He's trying to be financially responsible ,nwhich is admirable. Remember that what you spend and getting the most expensive of everything for your child isn't a sign that you love them more.

OK!
You need a spreadsheet.
Incomings. Outgoings. Car finance gym. TV, money spent on toys. He needs to see this, otherwise you’ll be on here in 3 years, how he spend X on hobbies, you work part one and haven’t had a haircut in 2 years because his money is his and you don’t earn.
I’m Afraid you really need to both sit down and understand the importance of this.

He sounds like a bit of a Disney dad. It’s all too typical. Sorry. It’s shit, but you put your big girl pants on and deal with it now, or forever be on the back foot.

Part time!

The languages stuff is probably a waste of time, but the rest sounds good, especially the high staff-child ratio. I sent my dd to an expensive nursery and I was really hard put to pay it, but it was worth every penny. She has never had any private schooling since, but at that age you can't stint on quality.

I agree he needs to visit too. An extra £50 a month is doable so I would be choosing the one I liked the most.

Just do it! Put your baby in the nursery you like. You don’t need permission from him or anyone else

If he really dug his heals in over it and you say you split expenses then I would just offer to pay the difference myself.

The fact he spends £250 a month on a car and doesn’t want to spend this extra money on a nursery for his child is extremely irritating. I completely agree with you. I can’t fathom a situation where you’d put a car before your child’s happiness, education and possibly safety (and I also feel strongly for you about him being bilingual!) I can’t really offer much advice, sorry. But I would bring this up again and make it clear that your values include the best environment possible that you can afford for your son and if his priorities are elsewhere then that’s going to be an issue. It is £600 a year, that is significant. But you can afford it and therefore what could possibly be a better way to spend your money than that? I just don’t get it.

Good luck and update us soon!

OP - you do know this is likely to come up again in the future, don't you?? Like when you want to buy your child proper school shoes, or wine dthem to swimming lessons, etc. He will always be looking to cut back, save money.

I don’t think he wants to save money. I think he doesn’t think it’s important

I guess I'm just hoping he will feel different once DC is born...

He’s not going to. He’s showed you that.
You either talk about it properly or you don’t. And divorce in 10 years.

You will probably be entitled to tax free childcare which will reduce your nursery fees by 20%, which would mean you could then afford it anyway?
Have a look on the .gov website for tax free childcare and see if you're eligible, you should be if both parents are working.

Book your DH to see both nurseries back to back

lik we have already factored this in, but thanks! I actually didn't know about it until a week ago

If food/nappies/wipes are not included in the other one that would cost £50 a month easily

Definitely make the decision to go for the better nursery happen. If he’s not that involved in the day to day of his other DC maybe he won’t know the difference it can make. Having a great nursery you trust and are very happy with is crucial when you’re leaving your precious one in their care . You won’t miss the £25/£50 realistically.

Do you think your DH os one of these men who need to physically see the child before they go all alpha Dad ? Perhaps call his bluff and take the place expecting that to happen.

My DH and I were very agreed on having the very best quality childcare we could have in our local area, there were other options but he never would have suggested we ‘cheaped out’ despite being a rather sensible chap with money. Childcare, when it’s required from a third party, is crucial. Good luck!!

DONT underestimate how much longer opening hours is worth too. I’d budget 50 quid a month for that alone.

Depending on your job, the ability to not have to leg it out of a meeting at 4pm is worth a lot.

I bet he isn’t planning on cutting back on his career to ensure he is always there on time for pick ups.

100% I’d be paying the extra and sending my child there. We have a similar set up for DD 2 days a week and it’s fantastic, I’ve not found any other nursery like it, which is a pain as we’ve moved further away now!
It’ll be £50pm well spent.

If money isn’t an issue, £50 a month extra is nothing to get your dc in to a nursery you feel comfortable with! As pp have said, get him to go round to both, and factor in the costs of food/nappies/wipes etc and prove to him it’ll work out cheaper anyway.

Either he visits both nurseries and partakes in the decision or he doesn’t visit the nurseries and instead entrusts you to make the best decision.

You think that it's worth paying £50 a month more for the extra quality of care and your dh doesn't.

How much the apparently cheaper nursery charge for extras? It's clearly not your main criteria but if it comes to, say, £30, then point out to your DH that your preferred place would only be £20 extra per month.

Would the longer hours at your preferred nursery be covered by this extra cost? How much do you need the extra hours or even the flexibility this offers? Again, this could change the financial comparison.

Another question to discuss with him - does the cheaper place with shorter hours fine you if you're late for pickup? That could wipe out any saving fast with a bit of bad luck. As others have said, I realise it's not him who's going to be dealing with that.

Get your name on the waiting list PDQ

Then tell DH he needs to go and view the nursery to appreciate why you feel so strongly that this is the better option for your DC