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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think our DC should come before £25?

192 replies

WaitingRoom1 · 06/09/2018 22:03

Posted this in nurseries. Bit scared of AIBU... decided to just go ahead and post!

Went to view a lovely nursery today. DH couldn't come (boring story).

It's AMAZING. But an extra £50 per month compared to other nurseries.

Really frustrated as he wants to save the £50 and send our baby to a cheaper and not as good nursery. We will both be paying for this so it's only an extra £25 a month each and we are both on good wages. He thinks the money can be spent on something else.

What would you do in a situation like this? Where you can't agree? Both agree that it's the best nursery but he's not willing to part with the extra £25.

Im frustrated by it and don't want to give in and send our baby to a good but not quite AS good nursery. He won't back down ether and thinks the money is more important (first child and we make £65k a year between us with small mortgage and minor outgoings. He has a DS who is in school and he pays maintenance for).
I'm also dropping my hours at work, which whilst this will be part of my contribution to childcare, I'm also sacrificing some pension, annual leave, part of my bonus, promotion opportunity etc etc. It seems unfair that I'm doing this and he won't sacrifice £25...

WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
WaitingRoom1 · 06/09/2018 23:49

I'm also willing to put 100% of my child benefit towards nursery costs! That's what it's for at the end of the day so that's £80 ish less! Didn't even think about that...

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseGirls · 06/09/2018 23:51

The more you say the more I’m convinced you shouldn’t jeopardise your career for him.

Babyroobs · 06/09/2018 23:55

languages at 1.5 years old. YABU.

5foot5 · 06/09/2018 23:59

I think I would go for the better nursery and say I would pay the difference myself. Then go really PA and conspicuously do without something, when the subject comes up then "oh it is ok I don't mind doing without if it means our DC gets the best"

Original poster
WaitingRoom1 · 07/09/2018 00:05

@Babyroobs I'll be speaking to our baby in a different language from the day they are born. This is how I became bilingual.

OP posts:
manicinsomniac · 07/09/2018 00:20

Surely the 'more expensive' nursery is actually the cheaper one. It provides nappies and food and stays open longer. You're going to save more than £50 a month by choosing it over the 'cheaper' one.

I don't agree that more expensive is necessarily better anyway. But your husband would need to visit them to know whether it is in this case.

YANBU

HoppingPavlova · 07/09/2018 00:29

Once you factor in all the extras it probably works out cheaper anyway.

I would just pay the £50 extra myself and then refuse to do anything for him (cook my own dinner only, do my own wsshing only etc) and tell him it’s because he is a complete cock. But that’s just me.

abacucat · 07/09/2018 00:38

OP why are you planning to split bills in half when you are reducing your work hours to provide childcare? As you know, your DP would have to pay out for that childcare if it was not provided by you.

quizqueen · 07/09/2018 00:47

I don't know any nurseries which provide nappies in the cost of care. Some children could be allergic to certain brands or they just don't suit them and the nursery would have to buy and store so many different sizes.

It does amaze me that parents quibble about the cost of childcare but think nothing of paying out £35 for fake nails every three weeks and a lot more to the hairdresser. Nursery staff, in general, earn just above minimum wage yet people expect to pay a cleaner at least £10 an hour. Children should be more important than a bit of dust in a house!

Your DH is showing his true colours here. The language teaching is irrelevant. If you are bilingual yourself it's up to you to ensure your child is too but excellent childcare versus average childcare should be no contest.

OneOrgasmicBirthPlease · 07/09/2018 00:50

Go with the more expensive nursery, it is a no-brainer.

Also, please ignore all the sneering about teaching young children languages. No wonder this country has such low levels of second language attainment. On the continent, most nurseries provide some second language tuition and it brings obvious cognitive and linguistic benefits. Opinions on this thread suggesting teaching young toddlers languages is a waste of time show a profound lack of understanding about how children and adults acquire language.

Both my kids are bilingual, and had we had the option of sending them to a nursery which taught my native language I would have jumped at the chance.

Your H is being VU and tight, which is profoundly unattractive.

timeisnotaline · 07/09/2018 01:03

With the car finance etc context, I’d say we are going the nursery that I think will do better for our child. If it breaks the bank we can get s cheaper car, or you can dump me for £25 a month on your child.

I love my sons nursery. I walked in the door and knew. Outside space was an essential for me as well.

ayeportly · 07/09/2018 01:21

It's a long time ago now but I too knew the minute I walked in the door that it was the right one. It's an instinctive response.

You ask WWYD...almost everyone on here would go with the more expensive one...not for show but because it felt right.
Would echo another poster about checking fines if you're late for pick-up...always worth checking policy...so stressful trying to get there when travel conditions are against you

Bluewidow · 07/09/2018 01:30

Well you could just pay the extra £50 yourself if you feel
Passionately about it.

abacucat · 07/09/2018 01:39

Why should the OP pay the extra money? She is already sacrificing her career by reducing her hours.

Oysterbabe · 07/09/2018 02:37

Our nursery provides nappies, wipes and milk. It does make things easier. I'd be sending them to the good one regardless and paying the extra if need be.

Sunrise888 · 07/09/2018 03:12

Do you have to provide DC's own meals for the other nursery? One less meal to prepare is a big load off the mind (you'll see when they start weaning!) - definitely go for the nursery you love!

I'd jump at the the extra language teaching as well, even at 1.5 and especially if you are bilingual! Bear in mind that there can be some turnover at nurseries so the nursery worker who speaks your language may not be there in a year.

Keep taking to DH and go on the waiting list anyway, he may feel differently in a year.

Sashkin · 07/09/2018 03:31

Two nurseries we looked at provided nappies (we use cloth so irrelevant to us). All provided wipes and food!

We also went with the more expensive one that did more with them. DH thought I was being PFB at the time, but agreed with me after a couple of months of seeing how DS blossomed.

lborgia · 07/09/2018 04:36

OP, I am really pleased that you are questioning this, and trying to get it right. It isn’t about the nursery being hte most expensive, or who pays for what at this stage, it’s just what he considers important, or worth his time.

From all your descriptors, he sounds fairly self-absorbed, and I don’t care if he hasn’t seen the nursery, or spoils his DS, his response should be to try and find out what’s so great about the nursery, or even just realise that you’ve weighed them up and found this one the best.

THe fact that it may well turn out cheaper is sort of neither here or there.

I have a feeling that if you carry on being true to yourself (and your child), you may find you need those extended hours....

Good luck, and keep sticking up for yourself, and your baby.

user1483387154 · 07/09/2018 05:02

Send him to the more expensive one a d pay it yourself . You have said many times you can afford it.

erinaceus · 07/09/2018 05:18

I agree with the person that said to book another visit to it with him.

I agree with this.

OP why are you planning to split bills in half when you are reducing your work hours to provide childcare? As you know, your DP would have to pay out for that childcare if it was not provided by you.

I was thinking of this, too. Have you factored this into the financial cost of your contributions?

It sounds stressful to be worrying about this shortly before giving birth, and I think putting your DC name down for the nursery that you prefer might be the way forward for the time being.

Awrite · 07/09/2018 05:32

No way I would drop my hours whilst married to this man.

I wonder if it's the language thing. This is important to you so he should be supportive. But he's not ...

Twotailed · 07/09/2018 06:16

I would suggest you pay the whole amount yourself and take on board that your husband isn’t someone who will prioritise your children. I would be really angry if I were you.

NewPapaGuinea · 07/09/2018 06:23

Are you claiming childcare vouchers through work?

mindutopia · 07/09/2018 06:29

If everything is included then surely, they’ll work out to be about the same. I know our nursery charged separately for food. With two snacks and a hot meal, our nursery charged £4 extra per day. If it’s 5 days a week, that alone would be an extra £80 in costs you’d have to pay at the ‘cheaper’ nursery.

GoldenMcOldie · 07/09/2018 06:37

This would be a deal breaker for me. I would not live with a tight arse. It's a character trait I despise.

OP - you need to decide. If you can live with a stingy man who cannot extend generosity to his own child, then your only option is to pay the difference yourself and put it behind you.

Consider the future though. This is the first in a LONG line of decisions relating to the cost of raising your child. Do you want to stump up for everything that he is too tight to pay for.

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