to think our DC should come before £25?

[WaitingRoom1]

Posted this in nurseries. Bit scared of AIBU... decided to just go ahead and post!

Went to view a lovely nursery today. DH couldn't come (boring story).

It's AMAZING. But an extra £50 per month compared to other nurseries.

Really frustrated as he wants to save the £50 and send our baby to a cheaper and not as good nursery. We will both be paying for this so it's only an extra £25 a month each and we are both on good wages. He thinks the money can be spent on something else.

What would you do in a situation like this? Where you can't agree? Both agree that it's the best nursery but he's not willing to part with the extra £25.

Im frustrated by it and don't want to give in and send our baby to a good but not quite AS good nursery. He won't back down ether and thinks the money is more important (first child and we make £65k a year between us with small mortgage and minor outgoings. He has a DS who is in school and he pays maintenance for).
I'm also dropping my hours at work, which whilst this will be part of my contribution to childcare, I'm also sacrificing some pension, annual leave, part of my bonus, promotion opportunity etc etc. It seems unfair that I'm doing this and he won't sacrifice £25...

WWYD?

His DC doesn't live with him so he's never known the true costs of childcare.

So who has been paying his share, then? He sounds a bit dodgy.

bolding fail soz

I would have also chosen the more expensive nursery OP.The ratio of staff to children is so important. And the outdoor space is lovely to have. These things alone would have been enough to tip it for me.
Your DP is being an arse. Overrule him on this.

In his little head he is probably thinking"first childs mother raises them on the 200/300 a month i give them. Having a child cant be that expensive.
Take the nursery place.

My ds nursery provided everything.

Is he going to pack DC bag everynight and get food prepared to take? No, l thought not. It's a hassle you don't need.

Also, how do they store all the childrens food? My DC had 3 meals plus snacks a day at nursery as they went 7am -6pm two days a week. How do the practicalities work for you?

I chose my nursery based on how happy the atmosphere felt, how homely it was, how many children were happy when I spent time there, and how nice the staff were. It was the cheapest one out of all the ones I looked at but it felt right and I didn’t choose it based on price. The facilities were also better in others but I had a good gut feeling and my daughter was very happy there. Maybe visit them both again together and really get a gauge of whether ones feels more right than the other. If it is definitely not the cheaper one, then stick to your guns as nothing is more important than ensuring your child is well looked after.

From one who has been round the block.
Including nappies, wipes and food it is not about the cost of them, it is how much easier not having to provide them will make your life. They will always run out when you are low at home and can't get to the supermarket/are ill or some such thing.
Long opening hours - a god send how much are the late fines at the other nursery how tight is the pick up.
Languages - honestly don't expect this to be really thorough. It is likely to be singing some songs and learning the colours etc once a week. DD did this with French and is good at French, but it is not due to nursery. Instead the three French au pairs who read to her in French, watched French tv, and talked in French.

He's already prioritising his own selfish wants (the car, the lunches etc), and his first born son over this current baby. This isn't looking good already, it's very, very telling about his true character, and If I were you I'd be putting your baby first before what your DH wants.

@WaitingRoom1 bin off the cheaper option entirely and find an even more expensive one than the one you want.

Then give him those options.

(And I would also very seriously reconsider putting any sort of brake on your own career right now, while you can. Because your husband doesn't sound that great. Sorry, I know you probably don't want to hear that, but look at how he is acting.)

I agree with lovetherisingsun, he’s not tight with his own spends, he just doesn’t want to give up spending as much as possible on him.

As with other pp’s I worry how you will be left financially if you drop your hours. If he’s not going to prioritise his own child’s wellbeing over his own treats, he’s certainly not going to prioritise you!

Languages from 1.5! Amazing! You pay the £50 if he won’t, stingy bastard

All bills should be split in proportion to incomings, why would you be paying half? That's not right.
He sounds tight. Remind him of all the money he's saving with his first child, because I can guarantee whatever maintainance he pays won't be fully covering his half of the cost of caring for and bringing up a child 24/7. Does he put savings aside in addition for DC1?

He doesn't see the value in them providing nappies, wipes and food because you would be dealing with that anyway. he's objecting to paying £25 a month for YOUR convenience when it doesn't impact him, as he has no intention of taking on the mental burden of organising nursery.

I know two bilingual children, due one parent being of a different nationality - one in Italian, one in German. One "child" is now 26, the other just 7. In both case it has made/is making an enormous difference to their vocabulary (in English too) and their all round educational achievement.

To grow up bilingual is the best gift you could give to your child - taking for granted here a loving home etc.

Thanks for the answers everyone. You're just repeating what I'm already telling myself which is reassuring.

Can I ask out of curiosity... how much do you pay for childcare?

So ‘personally’ I would put DC in the better nursery, although in my situation DP would support that fully as he’s very aimiable when it comes to things like that. He knows my being at ease is a worthwhile investment and buys him a happier/less mattered home life.

‘full disclosure’ we earn a good chunk more than you’ve mentioned so the financial side would me less of a factor in our choice. To us £50 isn’t a lot of money if it was in exchange for feeling happier about DC’s daily experience and care.

Also full disclosure we don’t have DC yet...but soon!!

Firstly I would not drop my hours at work, if he is this tight about £50 a month it could spell trouble in the long run especially as you will not be bringing in as much as you had before.

And going by previous threads on MN once a woman is not contributing as much it seems to be the cause of a lot of animosity from the other half.

Personally I would pay the £50 a month myself and not quibble with a tight arse git!

We pay £65 per day. I'm in Bristol.

For complicated reasons my daughter went to 2 nurseries at first. She was happy in both but when availability came up we chose the one where the staff seemed to care more, offered longer hours and (crucially for us) served breakfast until later . The breakfast thing alone makes a massive difference to our morning routine when we're rushing for work.

Are there other factors like that that might persuade your husband?

Op we paid around £1200 per month for a child of that age. We don’t qualify for any child benefit so salaries are higher, but I don’t think I would be concerned about £50 a month either way

If every penny was a prisoner I’d see his point. But it isn’t. I’d just go ahead and tell him you’re taking that one and that’s the end of it. I’ve arranged the vast majority of childcare for our kids singlehanded. I’ve discussed it with my H but at the end of the day it’s me who largely deals with it day to day so I organise it.!

More expensive nursery is actually cheaper if nappies and food are included, and I am concerned about him. It says a lot about his input into day-to-day care for his elder child that he didn't spot that.

Although, to be honest, I feel that he is clearly just doing a kneejerk reaction to the the surface pricing, because you don't need to be a parent to realise that whatever the sector, the business with flat fees often turns out to be cheaper than the cut-price competitor that adds extra charges for all those necessary extras.

I pay £49 per day in Manchester.

If nappies, wipes and meals are all included then the more expensive nursery could work out cheaper / the same.

Our nursery is £44 a day in a suburb of Glasgow, substantial snacks included but we provide lunch.

Firstly put your name down TODAY!! The last thing you want is to miss out on a space at your favourite place. Then tackle your dh. I like the suggestion of a pp to do a spread sheet with all outgoings - it sounds like he prioritises stuff he likes over more important things....like childcare - why on earth would you skimp on such a thing . And as many people have pointed out, the fact that nappies, food etc are included plus the longer hours means that it will probably work out cheaper!!

Why did his first marriage break down? Was he a skinflint then?’