to think our DC should come before £25?

[WaitingRoom1]

Posted this in nurseries. Bit scared of AIBU... decided to just go ahead and post!

Went to view a lovely nursery today. DH couldn't come (boring story).

It's AMAZING. But an extra £50 per month compared to other nurseries.

Really frustrated as he wants to save the £50 and send our baby to a cheaper and not as good nursery. We will both be paying for this so it's only an extra £25 a month each and we are both on good wages. He thinks the money can be spent on something else.

What would you do in a situation like this? Where you can't agree? Both agree that it's the best nursery but he's not willing to part with the extra £25.

Im frustrated by it and don't want to give in and send our baby to a good but not quite AS good nursery. He won't back down ether and thinks the money is more important (first child and we make £65k a year between us with small mortgage and minor outgoings. He has a DS who is in school and he pays maintenance for).
I'm also dropping my hours at work, which whilst this will be part of my contribution to childcare, I'm also sacrificing some pension, annual leave, part of my bonus, promotion opportunity etc etc. It seems unfair that I'm doing this and he won't sacrifice £25...

WWYD?

Did anyone else have a baby with a man who was completely naive to the costs of childcare? He thinks £500 is a lot for 3.5 days. I don't think it is. I think it's fairly good for an ofsted outstanding and a nursery I think is amazing. I think he thought childcare was going to be 2/300 a month tops...

Where are you? I paid £1560 a month for childcare at that age , full time care. £72 a day is a normal cost in London around me.

North Warwickshire

Have you looked as how both nurseries use the 15/30 funded hours?

That might actually make your one cheaper long term as there's often a big difference between nurseries

It would cost me £800 a month if I wanted 9hours every day with childminder. I live south east in a cheap town!

@fraggle84 we don't have any free hours for two years at least. Baby hasn't been born yet and we don't qualify for the 15 free hours.

I don't understand why people are so quick to jump on the DH and see him as some kind of evil person who doesn't love his child.

He hasn't seen both nurseries. This is a key part of the problem. Most expensive isn't always best and he can only judge and decide which he thinks would be best for that child by visiting. To be honest, until he's visited, there's no point discussing it further.

Secondly, I am amazed at the suggestions people make about how Op should respond and the failure to suggest ways to work this through together. What kind of good relationships involve lying about the prices, just booking one nursery without discussing it or being honest about the details, or just insisitininsisinsists on your own way, without being willing to discuss and try to find a solution? Lots of the suggestions don't sound like things for sensible adults who are parents working together to find the way forward with their children.
The very first thing to do is to organise to visit the nursery and if he needs to see both, go and see both, then sit down and chat about the specific details - talk about the features of nurseries generally and which you really value and which are not so important - try to come to. Common understanding of what best childcare will look like.....this will help a lot. Talk about this without price being involved in the discussion And be willing to acknowledge that more expensive isn't always best - sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't. And recognise too that what one person thinks is best isn't what someone else would choose as best.

And perhaps it's time to have a chat about money and spending to come to some kind of common agreement about spending in different areas too.....to avoid this kind of spuds agreement becoming a regular thing. You will have less money once not both at work so some compromises might be necessary, but you shouldnworknto agree them together. It might be that you decide you want expensive versions of some things to do with baby, but compromise a bit on others......you do have to live within your means, and it is daft to think that having a baby means you must have the very most expensive item that is available in every category for a baby and that slightly less expensive somehow means you don't love or value the child. Recognise there is a lot of hype and hysteria about baby stuff and baby companies selling all kinds of things including childcare would like you to believe that all kinds of things are absolutely essential, which really are not.....you need to try to avoid being drawn into this kind of thing and start seeing through some of this stuff so you can make sensible judgements about what matters and what doesn't. It really isn't a simple as saying the most expensive childcare will be the best and is necessary.

Most important if all is communication and working together with your DH....being united and finding an agreed way forward is so important.....it's not about battles to be won.

I didn't tell DH how much any of them were. Only how much it was for the one we both agreed was best.

Ah ok - so your baby is not even born yet?
I'd say that makes a huge difference - it's really hard to imagine what you might want/need for a baby that doesn't yet exist. You might well find that he changes his mind once baby is born.

We looked around at childcare online getting a feel for costs anything from £30 a day for cheapest child minder to £60 For most expensive nursery this was 7yr ago for eldest we agreed we would look at all we wanted to and not factor in cost working on basis of we know worst case is £60 in the end we choose a cm 3 days a week at £40 a day and nursery 1 day a week at £50day switching to 2 of each at almost 2yrs old with a change of cm. Ds2 is in nursery 4 days a week choice was between 3 very similar price and we pay £55 a day.

Why did you look at a nursery where one of you was unhappy with the cost it seems pointless viewing something that you haven't agreed you can afford or are both willing to afford.

Can your DH view both to compare himself.

Seems v good rate @waiting anything from £40-65 a day in Midlands for 10-11hr nursery day

Definitely worth £50 extra a month for the extra you are getting. FWIW I paid a lot more per month (hundreds) for a better nursery for my DC and don't regret it in the slightest.

Oh and as for cost... it is staggering when you first hear the fees! For comparison send him links to places in Central London - and to private nannies. Many are £2k - £4K per month. Also helped me & my DH to think about all the costs the nursery has e.g. wages, food, building rental etc. They're not making huge sums here. Looking after kids costs a lot.

Not read the full thread but have you factored in the 20% discount if you use tax free childcare?

If nappies and food are included then that's why they are more expensive. You will probably find that it even out over time.

Bear in mind that an outstanding from OFSTED is very hard to get. They try to give a good in my experience so you have something to reach for. Not unreasonable.

With how expensive childcare is £50 a month isn't a lot in the grand scheme of things.

Why did you look at a nursery where one of you was unhappy with the cost it seems pointless viewing something that you haven't agreed you can afford or are both willing to afford.

But we can afford it. He just wants money for other things and my priority is amazing childcare. Not going out and material rubbish.

A lot of decisions about nursery come down to gut feel. Does it feel caring, do the kids like the staff etc. I’ve very rarely heard anyone making a choice based on cost between nurseries (between nursery, nanny and child minder yes but not between nurseries). For me caring staff with a low turnover was important as was outside space. Mine offers French but on a day we’re not there and I was a bit gutted about that. We do get sports and drama though. For me it actually is quite important that learning a foreign language is normalised at an early age- even if they don’t progress particularly well.

Paying a bit more for a nursery you’re happy with will have a huge value. It is hard leaving your baby for the first time and I can only imagine how horrid it would be if you had doubts about the setting.

Our nursery costs were higher than our (fairly hefty) mortgage at one point. I had two under two in a South London nursery and it cost me a fortune BUT it was outstanding, had a chef on site so the food was freshly cooked every day, nappies and wipes were provided and the care was amazing. If the cheaper nursery doesn't include nappies and wipes, you'll probably spend the difference on them anyway.

I think you need to have a serious conversation with your DH about priorities! This is your CHILD - it's not a consumer good that you can compromise on or a lesser model of a car, it's your baby!

This is why I stopped childminding, I do not understand how people will pay more for their cleaner (per hour) than they will for someone to care for the most important person in their world.

If it was affordable for us it wouldn't even be a conversation.

I would just take the decision it f his hands OP! Put your name down.

This is why I stopped childminding, I do not understand how people will pay more for their cleaner (per hour) than they will for someone to care for the most important person in their world.

Here in Mexico I've seen ill-treated underpaid servants being left in charge of the children. Why on earth you would make an enemy of the person you are leaving your children with I have no idea?

Pay the £50 yourself and extract £25 a month out of him in a different way!

There is nothing you can do that is more important for your child while you are not there than send them to a good childcare setting. This is not about the financials, this is about sending them to a nursery where you are confident they are being looked after.

I sent my first dc to one that seemed really swizzy and on the ball on viewing. I pulled him out after his first settle session. Second nursery seemed chaotic but my god those children were loved and educated in all the right ways - outside time, messy time, story time, good meal times etc.

Do not underestimate how difficult it can be to leave your child when you go to work. Your child might also not settle well at first. If you are 100% sure that you have chosen the right setting for them, walking away and closing that door on your sobbing child will be just that bit 'easier'.

Can you pay for it yourself?

Tell him that it’s absolutely fine if he doesn’t want to pay the extra, LO can just go one day a week less to Nursery and ask him which day he’ll be dropping at work to look after her.