To think my mum is selfish or am I asking for to much

[maybebabyx]

Just had dd we can't go home now as she has jaundice. I ended up having a c-section aswell I thought she would only need to have DS for a maximum of two nights but shit happens.

She's being really funny about having him complaining she's tired and can't get anything done but then she doesn't put him down until 10 and we normally put him down at 8. We did a big food shop made our house comfy for her but it's not good enough. OH mentioned food in the freezer "I don't want any of that" he's just had to take her kfc to keep her quiet.

AIBU thinking that if your daughter is in hospital and your not working anymore the least you can do is help out?

I do so much for her and then when I need some help it's got to be on her terms!

@sorryihaventacluetoo and did you see midwives coming straight to a women’s aid to help lift after a c section . To pass a drink they can’t teach, to change the baby , to help to the toilet. To watch baby while showering also helping to shower and back. To fetch food?

Fishface77 yeah of course. If people disagree with you, they must be the ops mum?

Grow up

FishfaceLooking after a child that is not even two for that length of time without the child once seeing a parent, is a big deal. Most children that age would be much harder to look after as they will be missing their parents. His dad could go home and do tea, bath and bed and get him to sleep. Much easier to look after a young child if you can say to them - dad/mum will be back later to xxx. If you don't know when the child will actually see a parent again, that is hugely unsettling for a child this age. And I think unfair.

Is your OH staying overnight at the hospital with you?

Your DH needs to go home.

I wouldn't have asked this of my mum, that is a very long time.

She hasn't had your son very long, it's only Thursday. If it had been a week it would be different. I don't suppose you'll be in hospital much longer though, reassure her of that.

Whilst I understand it is very tiring looking after a baby, in an emergency like this one and for short term, I don't think it is right for her to moan to you. Sometimes you have to just suck it up for a while.

Hopefully your husband or someone else can relieve her for a few hours here and there. I'm really glad he is with you atm. I know from friends that it's very difficult to get up, etc, after a C section so I sympathise with you and hope you will soon be feeling better - but don't overdo it for goodness sake. Your mum is not an old woman, will get over this, it's not forever.

If he's just taken her to KFC then he can take his son for a few hours and let her go home instead.

Maybe she's only brought enough clothes for a few days, maybe she can only sleep properly in her own bed, maybe she's worried about post etc. piling up. Your DH could take your son for 3-4 hours and let DM go home for a bit, or bring your son in to visit you for half an hour.

Time to send your Dh home to look after the toddler. Send your Mum home and thank her for her help. It'll all blow over in no time. I'd be annoyed with my Mum if she did this too. However you have a Dh who needs to take over.
Our arrangements for Ds went out the window when I had second Ds, he ended up going home overnight with Dh's Bf and Dh stayed one night with me, C-section in the morning, then Ds got to home with Dh for the day, then dropped to my Bf for the daytime, but each night Dh took him home to bed after bringing him to see me in the hospital. Don't know if siblings are allowed to visit for you, we had a private room. Dh will manage mine did, he even had to go back to work on day 2 of second Ds's life while I was still at the hospital with him.

When I had my second and third dc my husband went home a couple of hours after the birth to take over the childcare. I think your OH needs to go home now. Could your mum come to help out with you for a day or so instead? I understand you want him with you but this will go so quickly and you’ll be back home together before you know it.

@Troels I thought you were referring to your husband and boyfriend for a while there. Was so confused but made me chuckle 😁

Just read you update..That is a long time for your Mum to have a toddler.
I'm 61 and love my nieces children but I find them exhausting now.

I agree that your dh needs to go home now and let your mum go home. Looking after a 2 yr old alone for 3 days is knackering at the best of times. My dh stayed a few hours after my section, then went home to look after ds1 who was with a kindly friend. Day two after an op you should be standing, moving about slowly, going to the bathroom in order to aid recovery anyway.

It doesn't matter how,old your mum is or how tired she is, if she's had enough then she has. Although I totally understand that it would be nicer for you if she didn't feel that way.

Congrats on your new baby

Don’t know how to tag sorry
But that’sfuckingshit I don’t think I’m the one that needs to grow up.
I think those telling the op to send DH home when she’s 2 days post c section because THEY managed need to show a little empathy.
And nowhere on the op does it say DH hasn’t been home.

DM will have been through the roof with worry at you having a CSection.
She is trying to look after a toddler which is very tiring. She is cooking etc with a strange cooker. She is out of her house and area.

Of course your DM would want to help but help being the operative word with DH constantly being at the hospital DM has been pushed into taking on FT care of a toddler at 60. It is tiring. I know that for sure as I had a toddler for full days with Parent coming home at late hours and leaving before child got up. I was not 60 but it was exhausting.

Abandoning your Toddler like this is very likely that the child will resent you and DH and New Baby.
I am not the OP's mother I don't know anyone who had a baby this week. I have had several C Sections myself and been a Grandmother in waiting while several young relatives had C Sections. I would have been horrified if the DH of a fellow new mum was sleeping on the ward with us.
This is such selfish and entitled behaviour.

I think your mum was happy to help for the 2 nights you originally planned for and is now resentful that it's gone on longer. I wouldn't want my dc looked after by someone who resented having them so I would thank her and get dh to take over the childcare. It would be nice if she could help until you come home but she obviously doesn't feel able to. Hopefully it won't be much longer until you're home anyway

I’m sorry OP, but this isn’t her job. The responsibility lies firmly with your OH to do childcare. She has had your dc for three solid days now, I’m not surprised she has had enough.

your OH needs to go home....2 nights is enough for her. You have nurses etc to help you.

But that’sfuckingshit I don’t think I’m the one that needs to grow up.

Yeah you are. People feel differently. That doesn't mean they must be involved in the situation and sneaking in her to make op feel bad .

Yes the op needs help. But her mother also needs a break. It's not ideal for anyone. And they need to get throughout best they can. The mother has had the child 2 days. For some people, thats tiring.

Tbh I think your dh should have gone home to your son a few hours after you had your daughter. That’s what we did. Never occurred to me to have our youngest with GPs for days on end. It’s disruptive enough for the older child with having Mum and Dad disappear for an unspecified amount of time.

I know I’m unusual in this though. Many friends have thought nothing of having eldest with GPs for 3+ days without seeing them. Most recent friend was in hospital with baby and her dh was going home to sleep and didn’t even pop in to see eldest for 5 days. And yes, I did judge him.

Yes @MyDcAreMarvel the midwives did all that for me

As much as having your DH around in the hospital must be nice for you, he really needs to go and care for your DS and give your DM a break. Let her come to the hospital to see her GD and you for a while and your DH takes over with your DS.

Your DH needs to go home, your son needs a parent, I’m sure you will be fine at the hospital, the health care assistants will be more than happy to assist you with whatever you need help with.

Hmm I understand why you feel like this but... I had an emergency CS with a spinal. My DP went home and came back in the morning. I had rely on the midwives the first night as I’d had a spinal and couldn’t walk!

My DP came every day we were in but went home mid afternoon. I didn’t need him to be 100% with me. By then I could shuffle, toilet myself and feed my baby. I suggest your DH supports your mum a bit. Toddlers are a handful and your DS will be missing you by now

It's time for your husband to go home.
I'm sorry you're going through this difficult time but this is what it means to have two children.

You're mum has been very kind and generous but she has told you that she is at her limit now.

I know how you feel OP my Mum had my 3DC for 1 day whilst I was having my 4TH DC(I was a single parent,we'd broke up whilst I was pregnant with my 4th DC)I was kept in over night and as soon as I got home the day after I'd had my DD my Mum went straight home!

2 of my DC were at school whilst I was in hospital(both days)and were really good and helped they're Nan with my youngest DS and got themselves ready for school and got themselves ready for bed and my big brother went and helped my Mum as well.

You would honestly have thought I'd asked her to fly to the moon for me,I had no one else I could ask,I'd had to cut contact with my ex and his family.

I'd done tons for my parents over the years and this was the first and only time I needed help.

Is there anyone else that could step in with your DS whilst your DH is with you?Maybe your / MIL or FIL? a close friend/sister/Brother/Auntie/Uncle even if they could only step in over night so your Mum could go home have the evening to her self,sleep in her own bed and have breakfast at her own home or if your DH could go home every night it would give your Mum a break that way.

Congratulations on your new baby and I hope your feeling better soon.