To think my mum is selfish or am I asking for to much

[maybebabyx]

Just had dd we can't go home now as she has jaundice. I ended up having a c-section aswell I thought she would only need to have DS for a maximum of two nights but shit happens.

She's being really funny about having him complaining she's tired and can't get anything done but then she doesn't put him down until 10 and we normally put him down at 8. We did a big food shop made our house comfy for her but it's not good enough. OH mentioned food in the freezer "I don't want any of that" he's just had to take her kfc to keep her quiet.

AIBU thinking that if your daughter is in hospital and your not working anymore the least you can do is help out?

I do so much for her and then when I need some help it's got to be on her terms!

Oh and if a man has abdominal surgery he gets bed rest and a morphine pump .

@ichifanny I hope you complained? That’s awful. The ward I was on was in one of the busiest hospitals and the staff were amazing. If you rang the bell they were always so helpful and no issues lifting baby for mums and positioning baby for breastfeeds etc. It was busy so sometimes had to ring twice but staff attitude was really good.

Sounds like you were luckier than most, @ItsColdNow - assuming the OP is one of those who is NOT well supported in hospital, do you still think she's being unreasonable?

It hadn't really occurred to me until the comment about the treatment of men after abdominal surgery, but I remember now how my husband was treated like such a delicate flower after keyhole surgery compared to my treatment after an emergency C-section. Misogyny indeed and not just by men.

Hope you and baby are ok op?
When will they discharge you x

FrayedHem no.

I think you're missing the point.

The only break that Granny seemed to get was when OP's picked up Granny and DC1 to go to the hospital.

She was with DC1 for two days straight - yes she got to be with her DD, Granchild & DSiL at visiting times, but she was with OP's DC1 the entire time.

Maybe she was a bit that OP's OH was doing not very much supporting her DD at hospital, while she was run ragged looking after DC1 24/7.

You can't factor in OP's DM being driven to the hospital with OP's DC1 & OP's OH as not being with her Grandchild 24/7!

Yes to being helped but full tome cjildcare for several days is exhausting. Your OH should eb taking over now.

I come from the perspective, of my DM, aged 58, retired, snapping my head off because I asked her to look after my 2 DCs while I accompanied DH to his father's funeral.

She stated "Well, that's going to be a very long day for me, isn't it?!"

And that was 9:00am till approx 8:00pm and my FIL's funeral, so I might have a skewed outlook on a Granny staying at her DD's house for 48 hrs & looking after a Grandchild. To me it seems that OP's DM has been really helpful.

Sorry, Arsenal, but it sounds like your perspective is a bit skewed here. I'm afraid your mother sounds like a complete bitch.

I hope these 'me time' mothers don't expect their daughters to be doing too much care of them when they need it.

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome

I'm not missing the point, I quite clearly said granny wasn't on her own with the OP's son for 2 days straight. A lot has been made of how the OH should go home on the assumption their son hasn't seen his parents for 2 days and granny was left to care for him alone. But that's not what's happened.

Why you're assuming the OP's OH wasn't doing much supporting when the OP said her OH was doing the feeds as she was struggling, I don't know.

I think that's very disappointing behaviour from your mum. You should be able to rely on her in situations like this.

60 is not old!! My MIL was 60 when she offered to have our 1 year old twins three days a week when I finished maternity leave.

My mum took my kids when I was in labour without a moan , just like when she had beast cancer I went and made her her meals and cleaned her house and made her comfortable as that’s what families do for each other when they are sick or struggling .

Breast not beast

I hope these 'me time' mothers don't expect their daughters to be doing too much care of them when they need it.

Mine did and she'd get really furious if we weren't meeting her expectations. She also moved 400 miles away but still expected my brother and me to be able to drop everything to go and care for her. We did what we could but it was never good enough and she'd go NC with one of us after we'd done the mercy run for failing in some way.

But yet when she left DS1 in his cot and left the house knowing I'd have to lift him but wasn't supposed to be after my EMCS, she felt she was justified in her actions as I'd upset her by "snapping and giving her nasty looks"(!)

I was sad when she died, but it doesn't make all that stuff vanish. The truth was she was incredibly selfish and if she was in a position when someone was relying on her, she'd often do things to cause problems. She'd cut so many people out of her life, there were only 5 of us at her funeral and she had stopped speaking to all but DH and me in the last 2 years.

SharpLily Yy I think maybe my perpective isn't the best & I should bow out. It's been ingrained in me that I should be eternally grateful if my DM has mine over for tea once in a blue moon, and then it's "What time are you picking them up, cause I've got to go out?" before I've even walked through the door.

OP, I wish you all the best & hope you get home today. Sorry if my comments have upset you.

Every family dynamic is different, what matters here is that your mother sounds tired and your child is not her responsibility. She offered, and that's lovely, but now the birth is over it is time your OH took over caring for his child. Your Mum can support you in hospital as can hospital staff. Maybe your Mum bit off more than she realised, maybe she's under the weather, maybe she IS selfish / none of them matter at the end of the day...any, any help from a grandparent should be appreciated! Congratulations and I hope your recovery goes smoothly.

@sharplily yes absolutely. I’m sorry she’s being ridiculous and over precious. She has a bell, she has the drugs round for pain relief, she only has her baby to focus on. Her child has its father and after having her say she now has in laws on their way, to support the family. Her mum had the child for 48 hours.
She’s getting what she feels she needs and is entitled to.
Leaving her very young child with a carer who had not done it before and did not want to do it after 48 hours is unreasonable. The mum stepped in and did what she was asked. I’m not saying the mum is a nice person but I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect everyone else to run around after you (male of female-whatever the situation) when you have young children to consider. It’s a common situation and in light of the extended hospital stay it sounds like her husband’s family are now stepping in.

I had a c section for my second and for the first night the staff were helpful-lifting the baby for me when he needed feeding etc.

The second day I had to fend entirely for myself (DH with DC1) and it was hard work and painful.

Hope you can go home soon OP.

Have to say my DH really stepped up to the mark and once home it was fine and I felt so much better a week post c section

She has a bell

I'd like to stay in the same hospital you use! The hospital I gave birth in was brand new and very good, but the treatment we experienced included me finding my husband soaked in his own (dark green) diarrhea and vomit. He'd been like that for at least three hours because no-one answered the bell. When I arrived I cleaned him up but the staff took over an hour to bring me clean sheets for the bed.

Op i was in hospital after an emergency cs, stuck in there with high bp. It was really hard. Sometimes the pain was so bad i couldn't move to press the bell for help and medication was always late. I had to ring the ward on my mobile and baby was always on my chest. Dh was was with me when the dc were at school. Otherwise i was alone. It's so disappointing that your mum won't help but she doesn't sound very capable anyway. I hope you can go home soon and concentrate on your little family, not on her

I find this 48 hours being tiring thing quite funny because we stayed with my grandparents for 72 hours every week till we were 14 and they worked full time.

My MIL has her GC twice a week to stay over. MIL stayed at my SIL’s house for 2 weeks after the birth of each child. Some women of 60 are still at work as childminders. I think some of you are jaded by your own experiences.

they've had to send my placenta of for testing as looks like there was an infection.

Doesn't it get thrown away immediately?

My brother and his wife live away from any family. When their DC2 was born her dad was the only person available to drive 300 miles to look after DC1. He did this happily but then had to go back home for work. My SIL was very poorly after the birth, yet they managed.

Not everyone has family around to help out. I think the OP is fortunate indeed and should stop moaning.

God some of these replies are awful. My mum and I help each other a lot. Isn’t that what families do for each other? She puts a lot of time in with DS1 and they adore each other. She does it because she wants to. As a result if we have all grandparents round at the same time he wants to spend all his time with her. You reap what you sow.

I waa in the same boat but I sent my Mum home and my husband took time off work to look after our older ones, they're our responsibility not my Mum's. I think people just expect grandparents to do stuff nowadays, my grandparents didn't look after me, not even for an afternoon so why it's such a big thing now I'll never know

I’m shocked at people saying OH should be having him, surely he would want to be with his wife/sick child?? My local hospital encourages both partners to stay until discharged