To think my mum is selfish or am I asking for to much

[maybebabyx]

Just had dd we can't go home now as she has jaundice. I ended up having a c-section aswell I thought she would only need to have DS for a maximum of two nights but shit happens.

She's being really funny about having him complaining she's tired and can't get anything done but then she doesn't put him down until 10 and we normally put him down at 8. We did a big food shop made our house comfy for her but it's not good enough. OH mentioned food in the freezer "I don't want any of that" he's just had to take her kfc to keep her quiet.

AIBU thinking that if your daughter is in hospital and your not working anymore the least you can do is help out?

I do so much for her and then when I need some help it's got to be on her terms!

I cannot believe how many people on here don't think it is reasonable to expect close family to help in these circumstances - it's been 2 days! What are your values and priorities that you would not help someone you love when they actually need you. That is pretty much the whole point of human relationships

Congratulations OP & sorry that your having a hard time, however I do think that yabu a bit. Toddlers can be hard work & whilst people are saying 60 is not old etc my mum is 60 and would struggle to have a toddler for a couple of days. I think anyone would if they aren't in the routine of having a toddler!
Do you have any in laws or other family who can help, even for a few hours to let your dm go home for a bit?

Or could your dh go home and do bedtime routine so your ds is at least going to bed at his routine time?

I have 3 DC, I understand it's tricky juggling other children and birth but...

Your husband needs to go back to your son so doesn't he doesn't feel abandoned, and so your mum has a break. It's s lot to ask her to have him for so long. I know the jump from1 to 2 children can feel a bit desperate suddenly splitting your time, but it gets easier, and your son must have a parent with him or he's going to start feeling very pushed out.

You need support... can some friends do a few hours each with you over the next few days in hospital? Or other family, either yours or his?

@TeddybearBaby I never thought of Bf for boyfriend, LOL should have said Bff.

Op only read to page 2 it's shit.

Sorry but I'd walk across glass to help my dc when they are in that state.

For goodness sake... A 60 year old struggling.... So what! Op has had a massive operation. Its a one off isn't it. She won't be on call constantly it's a rare emergency.

People seem to lead very selfish sheltered lives right now. The smallest things upset them. They can't do it.

Maybe my perspective is warped my dm was war time baby. She would have got through to help me.

"Your poor dm, she has done her bit and your lucky that she did. My dm would have done the same and im lilucky but my dh would be sent to let my mum rest and get on with what she needs to. Intitled much"

This post sums up pretty much everything that is shitty about MN.

Sorry OP, posting in AIBU should not be done for a subject like this. In RL no one would think you were U. Your mum is not old, you have just had major surgery and it sounds like you do a lot for her, plus she sounds difficult anyway refusing food you have pre-made for her. No one would thinkmit beyond the realms of possibility that she may want to help her daughter out. Partner or not.

Agree philly.

My dp did so much for me but also I in return.

People can be so selfish.

Those saying "she's only 60" are you anywhere near that age yourselves? Also op hasn't actually said if there's any health issues to consider or not.

I'm 46, I'd find looking after a fretful, insecure, confused almost 2 year old in an unfamiliar house pretty exhausting!

I had an emcs and was up walking the day after - it's the best way to recover quickly.

There's no need for the dad to be at the hospital full time inc overnight just no need at all (plus I personally don't agree with men on these wards with women at Potentially their most vulnerable. I'd have hated it! Either my husband or especially someone else's partner/husband who I don't know!)

He can do normal visiting WITH ds at least once a day, would be better (the potential for creating resentment of the baby from the younger child by doing things this way is huge).

The ward staff are available to help if needed.

Yanbu. It's only for a few days. I'd be a bit less eager to help her out in future.
I say this as someone whose mum failed to even offer to look after ds1 while I was having Ds2. We had a friend look after ds1, and then dh went home as soon as Ds2 was born and settled. Luckily a quick and easy birth.
Can you call on any others, friends family to help out?

OP you could be talking about my Mum here. Your Mum is not a really old grandmother at 60 - quite the opposite (mine is 61).

I just don't get it when grandparents view spending time with their grandchildren as a bit of a chore. Both of my parents show little interest really in spending time with my kids. We don't see them much and when we do, I always feel like it's a bit of an inconvenience for them.

In contrast, my MIL would taken them off us for a week if she could.

You'd think that when their DD is having a hard time, they would be there to help. It's only been two days - what a shame that she is not grateful for the opportunity to spend some quality time with her grandchild. YANBU.

I was in transitional care after my c-section. My OH wasn't allowed to stay overnight.

I couldn't get anyone to help me overnight. Buzzers were ignored (not just mine, all in this room) presumably as midwives were busy. More than once I phoned home in tears.

In OP's shoes I'd want my OH there with me too.

"AIBU thinking that if your daughter is in hospital and your not working anymore the least you can do is help out?"

But she has done!

I'm sure a lot of people would stay indefinitely but your mum is obviously not one of them.

Presumably there was no one else to ask or she wouldn't have been asked at all?

I saw my own dm cope with much much more at 60 yes including a young dc of her own.

I know if much older people do much more and people the same age and older think things are far too much for them.

Anyway op... I would do anything for my dd and also I'd like to think I would be able to be honest with my dd and say if I was truly struggling. There are sometimes in our lives when other people do come first.

I belive with all my being that new mothers need all the help they can get and support. If they want it, they need to be put first.

I feel anyone who makes those first few days harder is horrendous really.

I don’t know which wards you ladies went to. There was zero help available on mine: not when I needed help feeding, not when I needed painkillers, not when my bed needed changing etc. (But lots of help for mothers needing a fag.)

Anyhow I think if your mum’s fed up, you need to get something sorted. But i’d be annoyed.

Good luck and congratulations on your new arrival.

I know you've had a tough time with a Caeser but jaundice is not a major issue - so many babies have it (both mine did and my DH didn't stay in hospital with me) Your DH should be looking after his son now - I'm not surprised your DM needs a break. Your little boy will be feeling confused at neither of his parents being aroud and is probably playing her up.

When I had a c section and was in hospital, I was in so much pain and could barely move and definitely couldn't lift the baby out of the cot by myself. No midwives around either as the ward was full and busy. So I had to have my DH with me the whole time to help. My in-laws had my other child for a few days and not once did they complain, coz that's what family do, help each other at times of need.

Mike

Indeed what a fucking joke to think you can rely on staff to help after c section.

Ffs 60 is not old. My mum is 74 and wouldn’t dream of acting like that. Yes she would be tired but it’s not for long is it? How does she think you feel??

Congrats on your new baby

Hope you and baby are ok op!

I wonder if the compromise is for DH to spend some time at home to give your mum a break and then come into the hospital for some of the time. Our hospital ward was only open to partners 9am-9pm. It was super hard at night on the lady who had a c-section opposite but there did seem to be more staff during the days.

My mum looked after both our children for a week (3 & 9) and I put the 3yo in school hours childcare with our CM, so my mum had the days free to regroup. She was really happy to have the 3yo all day but I knew how tough it would be (plus DS would have like the familiarity of the CM while DH and I were away). Rightly or wrongly, your mum is asking for a break.

It's a stupid MN idea that parents should not feel they need to help their children in any way - probably upheld by those whose parents help them most.
Your mother is being selfish at a very difficult time in your life, this is the way that PND starts so you might want to tell her that. I despair of this older generation.

It's lovely if they can help but why should they? Surely having children shouldn't mean you are obligated to do whatever they ask for the rest of your natural life?

There you go.
OP is in in hospital looking after a baby, having recently had her stomach cut open. Why should her mother help?

DM is expected to support her child.
But OH isn't expected to support his?

OP is in hospital with staff who can help if need be.
OH doesn't need to be there 24/7. Why should her mother be expected to drop everything, stay away from her own home and life for the foreseeable future? I have kids. I'm raising them. It's 24:7. When they grow up and leave I will finally enjoy some time just for me. And I will have bloody earnt it.