To think my mum is selfish or am I asking for to much

[maybebabyx]

Just had dd we can't go home now as she has jaundice. I ended up having a c-section aswell I thought she would only need to have DS for a maximum of two nights but shit happens.

She's being really funny about having him complaining she's tired and can't get anything done but then she doesn't put him down until 10 and we normally put him down at 8. We did a big food shop made our house comfy for her but it's not good enough. OH mentioned food in the freezer "I don't want any of that" he's just had to take her kfc to keep her quiet.

AIBU thinking that if your daughter is in hospital and your not working anymore the least you can do is help out?

I do so much for her and then when I need some help it's got to be on her terms!

But she's not alone. She's got the person who impregnated her twice there with her.

I am not 60 but I feel 90 quite often (a lot). When I was younger I did not know that I would feel like this long before actually being 90.

I wonder how all these current young mums will feel when they are 60. It is quite shocking to me that I feel so old but on here I would not be considered old or with a need to be understood. I still want to do things I did as a teenager/20s but the reality is that I cant.
Trying to cope with young DGC is hard enough without being criticized for being very tired very easily. You should have praised DM and you would have had better results. If she reads this she will be convinced that she can do nothing right. She will be unlikely to babysit or help if she knew this was your opinion.

Sorry cherry, I didn’t see your last paragraph where you’ve been in a similar position......

I hope you’re ok op and are at home and I hope things are sorted with your mum x

Congratulations on the birth OP, and I'm sorry you're having such a tough time.

My DM would be exaclty the same as yours.

But, I'm trying to think of it from Grannie's POV.

Hope I'm more generous with my time when I'm a GM, but to be honest, having had my youngest at 35, I know that my the time my eldest is a mum, DH & I won't have had any quality time for us for decades, and will still have 3 DCs at home.

It was a life style choice we made. I made choices and sacrifices to be a SAHM, which have greatly affected my earning potential & will have life long implications for my pension. I can see my DD, thinking I'm a mother earth type, who loves being at home being surrounded by DCS, will think this will role out to include her own DCs, but I don't think it will.

I'll probably be of the "sorry, it's my time now" school of thought, and it'll proabably go down like a lead balloon.

I think I'd be wanting my DD's OH to step up after two nights - at least sticking to visiting hours, and dropping DS/DD off on his way to the hospital in the afternoon, picking him up to sleep at his house.

I would help out, but 60 is quite an age to be looking after a 1 year old for any legth of time. xx

60 really isn't that old!! Can't retire for another 7 years so presumably we're not actually decrepit.

It's clear from the Op's posts that its an attitude rsther than capability problem.

I agree Op, don't be so available for her in the future.

Ever thought of reading the OP's posts (if you can't manage the thread) before commenting *cherish123? You might find it helpful.

My DM is a “sorry it’s my time now” person. Which would be fine. Except that our grandparents raised us or we were home alone so I don’t really know when it wasn’t her time 😂

But for all those saying how hard it is so they wouldn’t do it, if its hard for you, how hard must it be for a new mum whose just had a section

Well I never coped last night in the end so no big girl pants for me. I fell asleep with dd in my arms I feel awful now anything could of happened. The pain from getting of and on the bed and shuffling to her cot constantly is awful.

OH Mum and brother are staying at ours with DS there going to travel down and help us out. As it doesn't look like we're going home again.

Horrible for you OP.

Hope you'll be able to go home with your new baby soon

And thank goodness for your in-laws. I cannot understand your mother behaving as she has.

Is your OH staying at the hospital the whole time, OP? Sorry you're not going home.

I was thinking - in your DM's day - the babies were probably whisked away & left in the nursery/looked after my midwives. That was certainly the case in my DM's experience and she's 68.

She might not realise that these days we get almost no help with our babies whilst in hospital - we're very much left to our own devices and seen as clogging up beds, as opposed to delicate things who are entitled to bed rest, regarldess of surgery (c-Section).

surely the nurses will pass the baby to you

Ha ha ha ha ha ... no.

What’s wrong, you sound so angry. Has this post touched a nerve?

I think we should be angry. This thread shows how little help and support many of us have.

Am I right in thinking you had your baby on Tuesday?Today is Saturday.
You either need stronger pain killers or to stop being precious.
Yes you have had major surgery but you also have had a baby. It is ridiculous to expect your DH to be there with you the whole time passing the baby in and out of the bed to you. Actually,that is probably why you are still so sore. You need to get moving and those muscles gently working again.
I can understand why your mother was fed up. She never spends time with her GC,he doesn't really know her and he was landed with her.
Your in laws are very good to help out but your DH should be spending more time at home with your DS and popping in a couple of hours a day to see you. Your DS needs him more than you do.

surely the nurses will pass the baby to you

Nope. Too busy to come quick enough. I burst my stitches learning over.

maybe I had an extended stay because of complications and it’s truley horrible. I was so down. Just take comfort in it won’t last forever

@FaFoutis it really doesn’t for me but everyone has different triggers. I know I’m loved and cared about but I also know that my 60 year old mum would struggle with s 1 year old full time!

I ended up in for 11 days in total, with my last baby a few weeks ago. It is destroying and upsetting and horrible. I was very upset to be kept in. Jaundice and illness. But my OH was at home with our children where he should be. In fact some days he didn’t even come in. It wasn’t suitable for children and was stressful with parking so was just easier that way. It does seem all a bit much to expect so much of others. By day 5 you need to be moving more and keeping active. Risk of DVT is high (I had one) so just enjoy this time just you and baby, it will be over soon.

It's a lot to ask a 60 Yr old to look after a toddler 24/7 imo. Your dm agreed for the few days and is probably feeling shattered by now. We look after our 38 month old gd overnight and we're shattered each time although we love having her.

Good that your MiL is coming down with someone to help her, you are fortunate to have this help available.

I think it's unreasonable and ungrateful. Many people would be over the moon to have received the help you have already had. Like the majority (I think), I feel it's overdue that your husband goes home, takes care of the first child and appreciates someone watching him while he visits you.
Unless your mother signed some weird contract before your pregnancy then her help is a blessing not an obligation.

I think you sound entitled and unreasonable. You do not detail what your DM's life is like, what she has had to sacrifice in order to look after your child etc. Where is DH's mother? Or father? Where is your father? I'm almost 60, had 5 children, 3 C-sections, 3 with jaundice, one disabled following post-birth oxygen deprivation and while my DH, DM & DF were helpful, DH got his backside back home to look after the children while still managing to be supportive of me. The idea that in our generation there were nurses aplenty standing by to 'take over' is mythology. Why is your DM even at the reasonably grand age of 60 expected to be still nannying you and your DH? Given that you don't seem able to responsibly or thankfully handle your situation or the help that you have been given, it sounds as if she's done too much for you already.

Op take it easy just out of hospital today after my c section was basically left to it after 6 hours on maternity unit crawling around in pain but my husband wasn’t allowed to stay the night , luckily my mum kept out older kids do he could at least help during the day . I think people forget how severe major surgery it is and expect you to just get on with it .

Anann, she does detail all of that and you don’t sound very nice. Nannying her? She says she’s never had the GC before now so she’s hardly a hands on grandparent. Which I think is a shame, it’s not all about free childcare (which seems to make people on MN bitter - if they haven’t had it, no one else should either) it’s about having a relationship with your child’s child.

This is exactly what I mean about double standards. Sometimes people on MN sound like don’t even want to be a Nan if it means actually doing anything.

If hospital maternity care was sufficient then OP wouldn’t have needed her DH with her. It isn’t.

Unfortunately I do think YABU. Lots of people have C sections these days (myself included) and don't have the level of support you have already received. I think it's a lot to ask of your mother to have a young child full time just so your DP can pass baby to you when needed.

I am not unsympathetic to your situation, I remember how painful moving around was after my emergency section and picking up my DD at 9lb 11oz was not pleasant but I would never have expected DP to stay with me full time at the expense of my stepchildren or my mother.

I would say a big thank you to your mother for her help so far and time for DP to step up. If you are still struggling maybe speak to one of the midwives about pain relief and to check if you have an infection or another complication making it worse than usual?

How are things this morning, OP? Hope you are able to get home today.

Well apparently Anann is so old and experienced but hasn't yet learned to read the thread , along with some others. The OP has detailed her mother's usual lifestyle and has said it revolves around the OP being at her beck and call. Would a bit of reciprocation really be so unreasonable?

And the OP does seem to have other complications, she has said so. I was running around as normal, gardening and back in my pre-pregnancy clothes within a few days after my C-section but why is it so hard for posters to understand that other women's bodies and experiences may be so different from their own? Let's face it, British hospitals are keen to chuck women out as soon as possible after a birth these days so if they're keeping the OP in, there must be a good reason to do so.