To think my mum is selfish or am I asking for to much

[maybebabyx]

Just had dd we can't go home now as she has jaundice. I ended up having a c-section aswell I thought she would only need to have DS for a maximum of two nights but shit happens.

She's being really funny about having him complaining she's tired and can't get anything done but then she doesn't put him down until 10 and we normally put him down at 8. We did a big food shop made our house comfy for her but it's not good enough. OH mentioned food in the freezer "I don't want any of that" he's just had to take her kfc to keep her quiet.

AIBU thinking that if your daughter is in hospital and your not working anymore the least you can do is help out?

I do so much for her and then when I need some help it's got to be on her terms!

@mymycheriepie....what double standards? Both my children were c. Sections and so I know how exhausting it is ...with the first child I had blood transfusions etc. Also necessary with second ...but refused discharged myself as hubby could only have a couple of weeks off and wanted to spend time with second baby as well. No parents or in laws around.
Now look after g. Kids when daughter is at work and I do find it exhausting ....esp when it is more than one day. They choose to have babies

@sharplily it’s not hard to understand everyone has it differently. The issue here is it’s something similar so many people go through it’s ridiculous. The mum is clearly not a caregiver and doesn’t want to look after the child any more (surely this would mean most people put their child first? If someone had had enough of my child I’d be there like a shot?!) she’s not even sad for her child? I was terribly upset to not be at home with my youngest, who’d just had a sibling and didn’t even have me around. This lady is not remotely upset about her young child she’s more upset she can’t leave the child longer with someone who doesn’t want to be with him and doesn’t usually car for him. She is in hospital, clearly the best place currently, she has access to pain medication and support.
Every c-section has to manage and it is of course painful.
This is just life and if you don’t have cars there there’s not much you can do. Personally I found the staff amazing in hospital, very caring and helpful.

*care not cars

OP, wouldn't you rather your OH was at home looking after your DC, rather than him being cared for by one grandparent, then another?

This is his time to adjust, maybe have some special 1:1 time with his dad before the upheaval of being reunited with his mum (who he won't have seen properly for at least 6 days, maybe 7 or longer, and A NEW SIBLING!!

He must be completely confused, not to mention missing you & his dad terribly?

He's going to want you both all to himself when he does get to see you, because as well as having a new sibling, he's likely to feel even more insecure due to being looked after people who don't normally look after him, plus, he's having to deal with the sudden absence of both of his parents.

I'm prepared to be flamed, but really, the time has come for this to stop being about you, and how hard it is for you to pick up the baby, and be about how confused DC1 must be feeling.

I feel you're storing up problems before he's even met his sibling, tbh.

You refused a blood transfusion? Sorry but I find that bloody stupid and a dangerous thing to advocate. Women need support, the fact that you put your life in danger highlights that even more. So how about we give OP some? Instead of “I survived, so should you, count yourself lucky, lots of women worse off than you” attitude. New mums are encouraged to ask for help and here she is asking and being told she’s UR.

The double standards are ; I find it hard as a GM so why should I have to do it; now get on and put yourself at risk so that you can find it hard too. Not nice.

Refusing a blood transfusion to discharge yourself and get home quicker is absolute madness. People die from anaemia. They don’t give people blood transfusions for no reason.

YANBU.
Congratulations OP, and hope you and the little one are ok

@mymycherrypie I don’t think it’s a case of ‘we survived get on with it’ it’s a case of dealing with what we all have. This woman is not concerned about her young child being with someone he’s not used to being with and who doesn’t want to care for him. You are confusing people sharing the fact that it can be tough but it does pass, with not supporting OP. OP has made it clear that she is higher priority than her child, her husband, her mother etc. If she generally does a lot for her mum and feels this is not reciprocated then she needs to address this and make changes as her mother sounds dreadful. However, many mothers are not dreadful but would struggle with this level of expected childcare of a child they are not used to caring for.
The OP is in a situation that many many new mums find themselves in, and I think people are trying to say yes this happens, it’s juggling families and you cope and it passes. It is the same if a child gets ill and ends up in hospital, 1 parent stays home and 1 in hospital, it’s hard but it is family life. If other members can come and stay and help take the strain, that’s great but it’s a bonus.
If the OP focused more on her children she might feel less upset.

ItsCold, what on earth are you on about?

'Well I managed blah blah blah' race to the bottom.

Midwives and healthcare professionals do not help. At all. I had an emcs at 9:30am, the spinal had not worn off and a catheter. Was numb below the waist and had undiagnosed serious health issues from which I never recovered. My baby was was with me the whole time and my husband was sent home at 9:30pm. No help. I cried and asked for my baby to be taken to the nursery because I'd been in labour for 2 straight days and was exhausted and ill. I was told to get in with it cos as a mum I had responsibilities (or words to that effect).

That said a husband, mum and toddler around all day on the ward would have finished me off (If I read that correctly).

YANBU it's an emergency. In your situation my DH would have been with our 2 yo. Hope you're home soon.

The OP's DH was going to get her mum and bringing their son up, she wasn't left alone day and night for 2 days straight. OP is in a room with a pull out bed and there's probably an expectation that someone be there to help her if they have that set up. There is a query that the OP may have an infection and is in a lot of pain. Plus the new baby DD and the jaundice.

Of my 4 DC, the only time I had any help with picking my baby up when I was unable to move was DS4. The other times the buzzer was put out of reach, curtain drawn and no one checked on me until the new shift came on in the morning. Both times I managed to pull the little cot thing close to me and get my baby out, than just sat awake holding them as I couldn't put them back very easily. Yes I survived, but I only had the expected symptoms from having EMCS/Spinal so was quite well in myself and I wouldn't dream of telling anyone else to just get on with it as it's not an experience you need to have.

A friend of mine had her first by EMCS and was feeling dreadful afterwards. The post natal staff were being very short with her and telling her to get up etc. When she was properly examined (after her mum and partner advocated for her), she was found to have a post dural puncture.

Congratulations on new dd! It's difficult now but you will be home soon and able to start enjoying dd and ds.

I think your dm has been great and now is flagging not surprisingly. Could she swap with your husband, ie he spend time at home and she visit you and the baby.

I know it's no fun but you could manage in hospital with the nursing help and DH could pop in to visit twice a day. I was in a similar situation with dd2 - in hospital for a week - and my dh looked after dd (aged 2) at home and visited with her twice a day. It wasn't great for me but it kept the routine at home going and let my dd feel involved.

I think you should thank your dm and get your your dh step in.

I do wonder all the people saying they survived, how many got secondary infections, lesions, back problems and other health issues from exerting themselves too soon? Why are we all making ourselves sick just so that we can say to another woman “Well you are lucky! I had no help at all!”

impossible OP's Mil and Bil are now at OP's house looking after DC1, I think. OP posted that at about 4:00pm yesterday.

The OP's DH was going to get her mum and bringing their son up, she wasn't left alone day and night for 2 days straight.

^If this is right FrayedHem then apologies to OP. I read the whole thread, & couldn't find the OP saying this, though. This makes me take back some of my comments, OP. But, I think the fact that there was a put me up bed suggests that OP's OH has basically set up camp & is sleeping alongside OP.

Also - it's a bit of a double edged sword. If OH has asked if he can stay over, and is there pretty much 24/7, the midwives are going to think she needs them more than patients who don't have someone with them 24/7 - so they'll stop popping in, & will rightly assume that OP doesn't need so much support.

Maybe if OP didn't have OH there all the time, OP would receive help from the midwives, to some extent, re picking up the baby, etc.

From OP's post 7/9 20.41

"I'm not sure where this entitlement thing has come from I don't think I'm a princess either. I just thought considering I help my mum out a lot she wouldn't mind an extra day or two. DS still has two hour naps he doesn't get up particularly early OH was picking them both up and coming up to the hospital. I'd like to think I would do that for my children regardless of what age i was especially if I wasn't working anymore."

I think we have the same mum.

Poor you op. The fact she was complaining after 48 is awful.

Hope you're feeling better and get baby home soon.

One tip, try not to go home on tramadol. It is so very addictive and horrendous to try and get off. Awful withdrawal symptoms. I have had masses of surgery and if you take paracetamol four times a day and don't miss a dose it works really well after the initial period. I wish someone had told me this. Hope you don't mind.

Agree my mymycherrypie I ended up in ICU with sepsis and other woman still say , oh well I was fine after my c section. I just had to get on with it . Pretty internalised misogyny .

FrayedHem - Yep, sounds like OP's DC was with Granny pretty much the whole time apart from when Granny got to escort OP's OH and DC1 to the hospital .

Not, that OP's OH was looking after DC1 himself, and merely giving OP's DM a lift to the hospital.

@mymycherrypie but she’s still in hospital? She is supported. It’s not like she’s at home struggling and he’s gone back to work. People are commenting on the situation she has described, and compared to many she has been lucky. She asked if she was being unreasonable and the general consensus is yes. Based on others experiences. Not wishing her to suffer at all. This is all ridiculous. She needs to get on with her situation and think about her children be grateful her mum was their for 2 days and wait for in laws and just get on with enjoying her baby.
The comments regarding further infection etc are not really relevant here. If she did get further infection or unwell a) she is well supported and b) I guess reluctant mother would have to do more, the facts are reluctant mother currently doesn’t need to because her daughter has just had a baby and is not on her death bed.

@FaFoutis ?

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome
I said granny wasn't on her own for 2 straight days. What do you think happened, the OP's OH brought them to the hospital but left granny and the boy in the carpark?

After a c-section you are generally NOT well supported in hospital. It has been said many times on this thread.

My experience in the maternity units was I was left to it with my c section I had to go empty my own catheter bag at the toilet 8 hours post op , I nearly cried with relief when I saw my husband come in in the morning , so they may mean well but often don’t have the staff unfortunately and post natal patients end up left to it so I can understand wanting someone there to help her .