To think my mum is selfish or am I asking for to much

[maybebabyx]

Just had dd we can't go home now as she has jaundice. I ended up having a c-section aswell I thought she would only need to have DS for a maximum of two nights but shit happens.

She's being really funny about having him complaining she's tired and can't get anything done but then she doesn't put him down until 10 and we normally put him down at 8. We did a big food shop made our house comfy for her but it's not good enough. OH mentioned food in the freezer "I don't want any of that" he's just had to take her kfc to keep her quiet.

AIBU thinking that if your daughter is in hospital and your not working anymore the least you can do is help out?

I do so much for her and then when I need some help it's got to be on her terms!

She has helped out and its now too much for her. Send your OH home now to look after his son. Your lucky because some people wouldn't have helped at all. Hes not her child or her responsibility.
I'd send him home also because you don't want her turning up at the hospital and dumping him on you or carrying on down the phone.

Perhaps you should read all the OP's posts before giving an opinion Polly?

OP glad she's gone home and hope you're all home together later today.

I would tell your mother that her complaining was unforgivable and that she's not to rely on you for anything anymore.

Am I right I thinking your mum thought is was for 2 days but now it's for an unspecified amount of time? Could be until today/tomorrow/Sunday/some unspecified point next week. I think being tired and not knowing how long she'll be expected to carry on being the sole childcare provider for your DS isn't helping.

Feel so sorry for you it’s awful when someone you think you can rely on isn’t there, I had similar situation had a section my mum assured I’d have some help with my other child turned up that evening with my DS the same day as birth and announced she was going on holiday with her boyfriend as it was valentines weekend 😂. I hope you have a good support system of friends and husbands side are good you have every right to feel annoyed this should be a happy stressfree time for you . Congratulations on your new baby health and happiness to you all xxx

Hope your little one can go home soon.

I think YABU to your mother; she's done plenty for you already. Your DH should be looking after your other child.

YANBU. Of course DM should help out until you get home when surely DH can take over. 60 isn't old and unless DM has a health issue your son should be easy to manage. Does she have transport/car seat to go out with him? Dread to think how DM would react if you were ever hospitalised with emergency. Wish you well with your recovery and Congratulations.

MadMum101
To be fair, I read all updates bar 1 and I tried to give both sides. I said it's hard to say without knowing the full backstory. I said that the favours should go two ways. On the flip side, I said that she should tell her DH to go and look after their DS because she's had a caesarean before so I'm assuming this time it was a planned caesarean therefore I'm assuming it wasn't mega traumatic. I think the OP would've said if she had any problems other than pain. If it was unplanned and it was touch and go, I'd understand more. Then I concluded that while it's ok to feel that she's being selfish, as she did the time asked of her, I don't think OP should complain too much when that was what was agreed initially.
I hardly think I was being unfair to the OP because she wanted opinions so I gave two sides.

Although I don't think you are being totally unreasonable, I can appreciate where your DM is coming from. When my DIL went into labour, I had my 2 DGC (age 3) I wasn't 50. She too had complications and had to stay in longer than expected but DS came home and had the twins overnight. He went back in the morning returning for bath and bedtime. To be fair, I needed the break and DGC needed their dad.

Polly The OP stated that she 'ended up' having a cs so we can deduce that it was unplanned and obviously meant she would be in hospital for longer. She said she was in a great deal of pain and wanted her DH there to help with the baby. Her newborn also had jaundice which in the scheme of things is not a big deal to us, but to a new mother any little thing that potentially may put her baby in danger is! She also said she helps her mother a lot with little in return and the mother hadn't ever offered to have her DS before.

The mother complained that she didn't want to eat what her hospitalised DD had got in for her as well, so the context seems to be that the mother is a bit of a self absorbed twat.

Most normal mothers would just be relieved their DD and GD had come through the birth OK and would do all they could to help .

It doesn’t matter what anyone, aged 60 or any other age, can cope with everyone is different.

When I had DC 2 and 3, DH looked after the little ones at home and I found my big girl pants and managed!

How was today?

I’m not far off her age and would find it hard to look after such a young child for that long. And in someone else’s home. You’re lucky to have her. Your partner needs to get back there and help out. Understand it’s difficult for you in hospital but sounds like she’s struggling.

Congratulations on your baby. I hope you get good results soon. I can sympathise, I had two sections, first was an emergency and I was strongly advised to have another for number two. It’s really tough. That being said, when I was in having our second my mum looked after our eldest during the day, but my husband went home every night to put her to bed and stay with her. He would get her up in the morning and then, when she was organised, he’d come back in to me and the baby. I had a rough time during both deliveries, I was very sore etc and struggled to lift the baby for feeding, but the midwives were there to help me with that. Having read your updates it sounds like your Mum has previous, and there is more of a backstory there, it’s not fair on you worrying about that after major surgery, but I do think that your husband should be going home at night to be with your eldest. I really wanted my husband to stay with me at the hospital all the time too, but I knew how important it was for our eldest daughter to have a bit of security and familiarity at a time of huge change for her. I hope everything works out ok for you OP and you’re home soon.

My dd has also just had a baby by c section and I had my grandson (20months) for four nights. I was also supporting her at hospital as the ex has no interest.
It was totally exhausting, it's hard going, as we're not getting any younger. My partner and myself were absolutely shattered after he went home. What was easy in your 20's/30's is very hard work in your 50's/60's.
Whilst you may not be acting like a princess, you do seem to have some odd sense of entitlement.
Your oh should be pulling his weight, doesn't have to be at your side 24/7.

Totally agree.

Your mum has helped. Let your DH step up now. It's not fair to your DS, being shoved off to granny's and then there will be this usurper coming home when he gets home too. Your DH should use your hospital stay as bonding/reassuring time in advance of you getting home.

I had three c/sections, aged 34, 35 (just!) and 40. I had no help whatsoever. Both sets of parents were too far away. I also had infections after each c/section and 3 jaundiced babies, plus hospital stays of over a week. Eldest DD's jaundice was severe enough to need phototherapy. My mum was 60 when DS was born, and she never actually minded the three of them. She said she loved to see them coming but loved to see them go home! She had osteoarthritis and macular degeneration, and she died from gall bladder cancer at 62.

So I suggest to you OP, be bloody grateful for the help your mum has already given you and no doubt will continue to in whatever ways she can. I hope she will be in your baby's life much longer than my mum was in my son's.

I'm 55 myself and I think I would struggle with a toddler for a prolonged period, even though I do work full-time.

My take is, when you have children, you need to be able to cope on your own as much as possible. If you get family help then that is a huge bonus.

I'm not sure where this entitlement thing has come from I don't think I'm a princess either. I just thought considering I help my mum out a lot she wouldn't mind an extra day or two. DS still has two hour naps he doesn't get up particularly early OH was picking them both up and coming up to the hospital. I'd like to think I would do that for my children regardless of what age i was especially if I wasn't working anymore.

OH is at home tonight with ds they've just left. I'm managing on morphine and tramadol they've had to send my placenta of for testing as looks like there was an infection.

DD jaundice result came back she needed 6 more hours of phototherapy no results back from that one yet. So another night in here for us.

I've had a csection before but this one has knocked me for 6 so I'm glad other people have managed fine on there own but this time I needed my OH there.

Sorry Maybe, but sometimes you just have to put your big girl knickers on in every sense of the word! I had a really bad infection with my first, to the extent that my tummy felt like it was on fire and the night shift midwives were packing it with ice in plastic bags - but you have to do what you have to do! All the while my newborn was having bilirubin tests several times a day and was in phototherapy.

Take every flippin' painkiller going. If you are still in pain, say so. Voltarol was great but I couldn't have it with my 3rd as I developed asthma after my 2nd.

If your mum feels she can't cope then, you have to respect that. I don't know what use your OH is to you anyway - don't you have to manage outside visiting hours/overnight?

@Touchmybum That's what I'm going through at the minute with DD she's next to me in the phototherapy thing all day.

Partners are allowed to stay on our wards we're in a room with a pull out bed so he has been doing all the feeds as it takes me forever to get out of bed.

It's worked out fine anyway as I'm coping better today. Just taken her out for a snuggle I'm sure we will be fine

My in-laws had my 4 DC aged 3-12 for 4 days at short notice v recently. 2 of my DC have ASD. The youngest is v clingy. I needed to travel 400 miles as my mum died. DH came with me. In-laws are over 60.

I could have taken the DC with me so DH didn't lose work (own business). DH could have stayed and looked after them rather than my in-laws who've never had them all overnight before. Instead we went together. I'm sure it must have been tiring for my in-laws but all they had to say was no problem and they were a pleasure to look after.

Does that mean I'm not allowed big girl's pants?

There really is something about having a baby that makes everyone just say, "suck it up", regardless of how bad they are.

What if the original query was something like, "rushed into hospital for appendicitis, there were complications. I'm in a lot of pain still, feeling really sorry for myself and a bit scared and just want dh there. My mum has been looking after my toddler for me for a couple of days but has decided she's bored and has had enough. AIBU to be upset and hurt that I'm now going to be left in a hospital by myself until I'm discharged, which could be days yet?" Betcha there would be more sympathetic responses. But noooooo...you've only had a baby, how dare you expect some help.

For what it's worth, my parents and in laws would all drop everything to help out if one of us is in hospital. In the OPs scenario they would be entertaining the toddler and cooking my husband his dinner to ensure he felt looked after too. I just assumed that was standard for families. Apparently not. I've just become a lot more grateful for them...

OP I'm with you. It's your mother. Someone you're supposed to be able to lean on.

Hopefully you heal up fast and for you both to be discharged soon.

I know with my mum that sometimes asking for her help and relying on her comes at an emotional cost that I can’t afford to pay!

Now, she has DS on her terms and I just roll with it. Our relationship is much better as a result. She loves having her grandchildren but struggles to think things through before committing and struggles to say no and so often commits to things and then moans and moans and moans about it. It’s very frustrating as I, like you, do a lot for my mum and for a long time felt our relationship was unbalanced. I’m currently helping her to say no and to keep some energy for herself.

Maybe when you’re home with your children and you’re settled, invite her over for lunch and have her look after the children while you have a bath and then gradually build it up over time? I used to stay with my mum one night a week when my son was first born, she used to love getting up when she heard him wake up for a feed at 5am and I’m glad that we had those mornings together.

awww at the photo of your DD maybebabyx.
My DS1 spent a lot of time under the lights when he was readmitted as poorly newborn.

I hope the next blood results show more improvement and you're feeling much better soon.

What GinghamStyle posted is very sensible. My mum was a difficult person and I just had to find a way to be zen and learn how to manage our relationship the best I could. She couldn't support people but expected a lot of support from others to only then find fault with it. Over time I began to see it really was her issue.

Sorry if you have said (I haven't read the thread) , I am assuming you don't have a husband or boyfriend to look after DS. If so, your mum should really show some understanding.