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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD boyfriend is on the sex offenders register

619 replies

Brighton5555 · 05/09/2018 21:24

Just the title makes me feel sick.

My daughter is 16 and never had a boyfriend before. She met a young lad three months ago and told me he was 17. I was shocked because she kept him secret for the first month or so and she’s never had a boyfriend before.

I say shocked because it’s so not like her to keep things to herself but I do underdatand as her mother she’s not going to share every little detail of her life.

She had been seeing him a month when she told me about him. Then I find out he’s not 17 he’s 19. Then I find out this about him and I need advice.

She told me he is on the sex offenders register for 7 YEARS and he also has to visit a probation officer once a week during this time. She told me which is the story he told her that -

At college he got into a fight and hit someone ( I know it sounds like it’s getting worse ) and during the police investigation they searched his mobile phone where he states he had a couple of naked photos of his 17 year old girlfriend at the time. Due to her age ( I didn’t know 17 was classed as a minor ) and even though the girl agreed she sent them with her consent this is the reason my daughter tells me he is on the sec offenders register. I think she said something along the lines of a indecent image of a minor.

Something about this story just doesn’t make sense to me. I have all his details and am planning to go to my police station and just tell them what I have been told and that I’m really worried about the whole thing / is this young man a danger to children? My daughter ? Just because he says this is the reason doesn’t mean it is true.

They have been together 3 months now and this has only just come out. As much as she reassures me about the photos of a ex girlfriend and her being 17 and it ‘ not being that bad ‘ my gut tells me I think there is more to it.

Will the police think I’m overreacting?
Will they be able to at least warn me if he is considered a danger ?

I feel sick

OP posts:
MyBambi · 13/09/2018 10:44

How awful..This thread is making me feel incredibly sick.He will be 7years on the sex offenders list 💯 there is more to his story than images of 17 year old...Yuk.

wowfudge · 13/09/2018 10:46

I'm incensed by those comments: it has been found time and again that early sexual behaviour is often as a result of sexual abuse and abused children go on to abuse as adults. So yeah, it's fine that the 13/14/15 year old consents to having sex with her 18 year old boyfriend. Absolutely fine.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 13/09/2018 10:50

Brighton. How are you holding up? Have the police been able to give you enough information to help you decide how to tackle this?

Hope DD is ok, she must be so conflicted. Young love is so trusting and forgiving.

Rockhopper81 · 13/09/2018 11:09

Amy1996

I understand your point - you don’t morally consider an 18 year old adult having sex with a 15 year old child an offence. You think the law should be changed to reflect this.

Unfortunately, the law is as it is for a reason - to protect children. You may feel a 13/14/15 year old is mature enough to consent to sex (I’d disagree with you resoundingly, but that’s not the point here), but there has to be a line drawn. 16 is the legal age of consent, thus the line is drawn there.

Also, moral objection doesn’t stand up to a law, it’s not how life works.

So yes, if arrested and convicted, an 18 year old adult having sex with a 15 year old child is a sex offender. That is the law.

You want to change it - to what? It’s okay for an 18 year old to have sex with a 15 year old? You mention 13/14 year olds having sex too - should the law be fine with 18 year olds having sex with 13/14 year olds too? What about 19 year olds and 15 year olds? Or 23 year olds and 15 year olds? Can you see why there is a line drawn at 18 - the age of becoming an adult? It would never end otherwise.

FishCanFly · 13/09/2018 11:54

A lot of growing up happens between 15 and 18, let alone 13. I get the sentiment, that often 18-19yo "men" are just schoolboys themselves, but anyway they are in position to know better.

TooTrueToBeGood · 13/09/2018 12:14

I understand your point - you don’t morally consider an 18 year old adult having sex with a 15 year old child an offence.

Amy is still relatively young. I expect she will not hold the same views if she ever finds herself as the parent of a 15 year old girl who is getting attention from adult males.

Our perception changes as we age. I expect most of us thought we were much more mature than we really were when we were teenagers ourselves. Now, as adults and parents we can see how far from the truth that was. Thank god our laws are written by adults and not children.

FishCanFly · 13/09/2018 12:20

Is being in love like diarrhoea?? You must shag immediately or you'll shit your pants? What happened to waiting for sex? At least, till you're 16? Because that's the legal age of consent.

SalemBlackCat · 13/09/2018 17:17

It really annoys me on here that people don't seem to consider that those that give advice care and would like an update. I wish OPs would just give regular updates, even if it is one sentence.

TooTrueToBeGood · 13/09/2018 17:26

It really annoys me on here that people don't seem to consider that those that give advice care and would like an update. I wish OPs would just give regular updates, even if it is one sentence

The OP's problems are not some soap opera for our entertainment. In direct contrast to you, I actually think it's quite crass the number of posts asking for updates from her. If you only give advice on the unspoken condition that you are then somehow entitled to be kept up to date then don't give advice.

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 13/09/2018 17:39

I have to agree with @TooTrueToBeGood

OP if you are reading this thread, I really hope you and your daughter are safe and okay. Mumsnet is a good place for support - you can always name change and start another thread.

I'm going to stop watching this thread now - I feel like it's seriously veered away from proving OP support during a very difficult time.

Thanks
MaisyPops · 13/09/2018 17:40

The OP's problems are not some soap opera for our entertainment. In direct contrast to you, I actually think it's quite crass the number of posts asking for updates from her.
Well said. BrewSmile

wowfudge · 13/09/2018 18:05

That was what I was getting at when ai first posted yesterday - you've put it much more succinctly @TooTrueToBeGood.

ChishandFips33 · 13/09/2018 19:54

The OP's problems are not some soap opera for our entertainment. In direct contrast to you, I actually think it's quite crass the number of posts asking for updates from her.

Well said Brew Smile

This ^^^

MSIYWP · 13/09/2018 19:56

Btw. Indecent images of a 17 year old is an offence. Anyone under the age of 18.

MayDayFightsBack · 14/09/2018 05:05

I find it horrifying how some women hate other women. Some of the posts on here about teenage girls being provocative and ‘knowing what they are doing’ are disgusting.

Also, creepy eighteen year olds who have sex with their underage partners are sex offenders whether the girl ‘gives consent’ or not. Any decent man would wait.

I was at school in the mid to late 80s and I can honestly say most girls were not sleeping around at 13, 14 and 15. By 15 there were a few that were promiscuous for whatever reason and a few who were with long-term boyfriends so had started sleeping with them but the vast majority did not have sex until they were 16/17/18. However, around five years later there had been a sea change and many of my sister’s peers were sleeping around at 14. What caused the change I don’t know, perhaps people my age were more aware of the threat of catching HIV (it was a death sentence then) but I think it just wasn’t the norm so there was less pressure to conform. I feel sorry for girls nowadays. If some lad had tried to get me to give him explicit photos I would have thought he was a creepy perv and warned other girls about him and the idea that sex with someone might mean anal sex or choking would have put me off sex for life at that age. I don’t know how we give girls the confidence to say no to this shit but we need to try because it’s very damaging to their self-esteem when they’re still very vulnerable.

differentnameforthis · 14/09/2018 10:06

When I was at school a lot of girls were having sex at the age of 13/14/15 happily and consensually

Girls under 16 CANNOT consent happily to sex.

SirVixofVixHall · 14/09/2018 10:09

I agree MayDayFightsBack . I was a teenager in the late 70s, early 80s, in my year at school the vast majority of us were still virgins when we left, at 18 (all girls school). Only two girls that I know of were not virgins at 16, one of those was due to rape and abuse, the other I now think was groomed by her older boyfriend. A few started having relationships in the sixth form. At 14 most of us were still climbing trees, keen on ponies etc. Only one girl had a proper boyfriend at 14, nearly 15. They were the same age, not sleeping together, and are still together now. It really feels like a different world. I have a 13 year old daughter and I am dreading the pressures that she will face over the next five years.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 14/09/2018 10:21

How can anyone call an 18 year old a sex offender for having a girlfriend just over 2 years younger than him and put him in the same category as a peadophile. men who actually prey on young girls

But if he is 18 he is an adult and if he is havjng sex with a 15 yr old he has preyed on a young girl. She is not considered in law old enough to make a consenting decision. wowfudge makes an excellent comparison.

Most men and women wouldn't be attracted to 15 yr olds because they are children.

differentnameforthis · 14/09/2018 10:21

I gave my consent No, you didn't. Because you couldn't, because you were 15

A sex offender is someone who touched a child without permission the law needs to make a clear difference between someone in a relationship ages 15 and 18 and someone who is 30 trying to touch kids.

You were 15 - a child.
He was 18 - an adult.
A sex offender is someone who touched a child without permission Which is what he did, because you were legally to young to give that permission.

Sorry, but you can twist yourself in mental circles as much as you like, but yes, if you had sex with an adult at 15, that adult was a sex offender, and raped you. You don't get to decide that the law doesn't apply to you and your bf.

And no, he isn't a paedophile because you weren't pre-pubestent.

wowfudge · 14/09/2018 11:51

@MayDayFightsBack - you're assuming all posters on this thread are women. I don't believe they are.

PerverseConverse · 14/09/2018 12:43

That makes my first boyfriend a sex offender then as I was 15 and he was 19. I went on the pill for the occasion and discussed the pill with my mum.

wowfudge · 14/09/2018 12:50

Indeed it does. You were below the age of consent.

PerverseConverse · 14/09/2018 13:00

wowfudge after reading this thread I googled his name and last known location wondering if he'd been named in relation to any sexual charges. I knew years after it happened that he raped me at 16 because being frightened to tell someone to stop because you're crying in pain means that I was no longer consenting. A few years ago I asked him about it as we were "friends" on Facebook. He had no recollection. I unfriended him after that and have no idea why I was friends with him to start with. That incident screwed me up for over 20 years and still does. Now I'm told I couldn't have consented at age 15 either.
My google search showed he's giving talks on mental health in his home town.

Nicknacky · 14/09/2018 16:16

differentname It is not rape in those circumstances. It is an offence but it’s not rape.

Joe66 · 14/09/2018 16:27

Amy1996 you obviously have no clue what young girls are like now a days! I see 12 year old girls dressed up and they look about 19/20 unfortunately it's all about image now and girls will do anything to look good and get attention from a boy

Please explain what point you are trying to make here. It is totally irrelevant how old a boy or girl look. The point being the age of consent is 16.