DD boyfriend is on the sex offenders register

[Brighton5555]

Just the title makes me feel sick.

My daughter is 16 and never had a boyfriend before. She met a young lad three months ago and told me he was 17. I was shocked because she kept him secret for the first month or so and she’s never had a boyfriend before.

I say shocked because it’s so not like her to keep things to herself but I do underdatand as her mother she’s not going to share every little detail of her life.

She had been seeing him a month when she told me about him. Then I find out he’s not 17 he’s 19. Then I find out this about him and I need advice.

She told me he is on the sex offenders register for 7 YEARS and he also has to visit a probation officer once a week during this time. She told me which is the story he told her that -

At college he got into a fight and hit someone ( I know it sounds like it’s getting worse ) and during the police investigation they searched his mobile phone where he states he had a couple of naked photos of his 17 year old girlfriend at the time. Due to her age ( I didn’t know 17 was classed as a minor ) and even though the girl agreed she sent them with her consent this is the reason my daughter tells me he is on the sec offenders register. I think she said something along the lines of a indecent image of a minor.

Something about this story just doesn’t make sense to me. I have all his details and am planning to go to my police station and just tell them what I have been told and that I’m really worried about the whole thing / is this young man a danger to children? My daughter ? Just because he says this is the reason doesn’t mean it is true.

They have been together 3 months now and this has only just come out. As much as she reassures me about the photos of a ex girlfriend and her being 17 and it ‘ not being that bad ‘ my gut tells me I think there is more to it.

Will the police think I’m overreacting?
Will they be able to at least warn me if he is considered a danger ?

I feel sick

@Amy1996, I get it. I understand your anger. I was 15 when I met my now dh, he was 21. Now, as adults we understand how weird that sounds and appears. A 21yr old with a 15yr old? Urgh. In his defense, we didn't become intimate for months, I was well over 16 by then, and I instigated it. We were really just good friends until then. Still creepy though.

We spent hours together, talking. He was away from home for work, I was a neglected, emotionally abused teen who wanted to be loved by anyone, and he was willing to be that anyone (and I asked him out, just in case anyone thinks it was all him. And he said no at first) and has been that anyone for almost 30yrs now. I look back now, and NO ONE did anything. Not my parents, not my sister, NO ONE thought to watch over me and keep me out of harms way. There is NO WAY in hell we would welcome a 21yr old man into my home and accept him as my daughter's bf at 15.

So I get your reluctance to see your bf at the time (are you still together?) as anything but your bf. But the truth is, if you were having sex, he IS a sex offender in the eyes of the law. Like it or not. NO amount of yelling on here, or making excuses change that!

There is a lot (and was for us) emotions involved when we (collectively) grow up enough to understand the implications of our relationships. Dh wasn't a sex offender, because nothing happened. But that doesn't make it anymore OK. When you grow up, you will understand that too, and will have to make peace with it.

Don't be angry at us, we didn't do anything wrong.

Except he was an adult, and she was under the age of consent. When I was 15 my Bf was 18

So yes, it does.

Over half teenage girls said they’d been pressured for explicit photos by bfs in an Australian study. While 81% said it was not ok to for bfs to ask for such pics.

independent.co.uk

NO ONE thought to watch over me and keep me out of harms way. And I say harms way, because we did not know this guy before my sister bought him home (as a friend). There could have been harm, thankfully, there wasn't.

I agree that a lot of horrible pressure goes on, and its not right.

There are all sorts of campaigns against it, schools, TV, Internet and targeted through other youth organisations.

I was making the point that not all of it goes on through coercion or against someones will.

I liked the comparison before about underage drinking, you can warn about the dangers but some people will still do it because they want to.

In no way did I ever say that ALL cases, or even most cases were not down to coercion or pressure.

As someone who has been a teenage girl I was heavily influenced by what I read and saw and can only imagine how much more pressure there is with social media nowadays.

While research from NorthWestern Uni found that girls were being pressured for explicit pics from boys and 2/3 were asked to send explicit photos in exchange for affection.

It also found that boys turned to threats and harassment if they did not comply, leading to 20% aged 12 to 18 giving in and sending explicit pics.

"Except he was an adult, and she was under the age of consent"

I think the law makes excptions based on school years? I think its within two school years as it stands.

Of course back before the 2000 act the law was much less enforced and did not take care of young women at all well.

Once again - coercion and manipulation and different things. To conflate the two is to incorrectly say they are synonymous. They are not.

I was making the point that not all of it goes on through coercion or against someones will. No you weren't. You said, and I quote

Or in most cases the girls are keen enough to send it themselves?
I think we need to stop thinking of teenage girls as innocent little dolls in cases. They do need to be protected, but in lots of cases ( obviously not all) girls are just as willing to send and receive these photos.
Or is it all dirty horrible boys and men manipulating sweet innocent girls for you?
Then you are very naive, that in many cases girls and young women are willing and enthusiastic partakers in these things.
Well I suppose it is, but that doesn't mean that young people don't willingly do it, and for reasons of their own gratification ... Its naive to think otherwise.

Most wasn't the right word to use, MANY should have been better.

Not all cases are ones where coercion and manipulation have gone on, I'd imagine most cases we don't even here about because, in most cases it stays between the two individuals doing it.

This also goes back to the original post further up that was "is this what goes on now", and it certainly does. Despite warnings, and advertising, and internet campaigns and negative experiences being highlighted it is still rife, among people of all ages.

I still back the fact that often its blamed on boys/ men ( although those doing grooming etc deserve all they get) when in lots of cases ( again not all, maybe not even half) pictures get sent because the people taking them want them to be sent.

Topcat is likely a bloke imo.

pictures get sent because the people taking them want them to be sent. Even though stats below say otherwise??

The full quote is: "when in lots of cases ( again not all, maybe not even half) pictures get sent because the people taking them want them to be sent."

""pictures get sent because the people taking them want them to be sent.""

And yet, even though we have had to make sending unwanted dick pics and offence, to stop Men from doing it. Women aren't ending up on the sex offender register.

The Gender/Sex difference in these situations and young Women sending them and Men seeing fit to keep them (which is the actual offence, the keeping of them), comes from a source going back a long time, connected to sexism, exploitation etc.

Age of consent is there for a reason. I agree, it does get mucky when it seems the age difference is like 5 minutes over or under the legal limit. But with the OP's situation, it is something obviously much worse. of course the guy will twist it the way he's almost innocent.

Young people may not necessarily worry too much about the long terms implications of sharing images and may not necessarily protect themselves in the same way. They’re certainly not aware of the law and do not appreciate that they can be sharing “ indecent images of children” even when the image is of themselves and they are sharing willingly. This sadly leads to potential issues of blackmail where young people are threatened with public humiliation if they don’t continue the relationship / sending images or actually have the embarrassment of having images shared.
This.
I've dealt with pastoral issues where teens have freely sent an image to their boyfriend (mural image sharing), only to find that when the relationship changed tjeir older boyfriend pressured them for sex when they weren't really up for it and they felt they had to because there was a worry in the back of their head that the image could get out. I've also had pastoral issues where boys have shared images of their ex girlfriends with their mates and let others have a good look.

Sadly, suggestive images for likes on social media (think oh look the camera angle happens to show my cleavage shots) are increasingly normalised and sending explicit images and sexting seems to be commonly classed as foreplay and something that happens before sex rather than something to be done in a mature relationship if you feel comfortable and have already considered how to stop yourself being identified.

It's why my last few schools explicitly teach the law on images of children, sexting, coercion and pressure etc from 13/14 upwards because the sad reality is that too many children think they are normal parts of dating.

Not it doesn't, the Sex offences act 2000 has Romeo and Juliet clauses meaning that prosecutions won't happen for couples who are the same age, or close in age.

No, no it doesn’t - UK law doesn’t have Romeo and Juliet clauses. If two people are both under the age of consent, the law is not looking to prosecute - it’s adults (over 18s) having sex with children under the age of consent. Chances are, if you’re 18 and your partner is 17 - or even 16 - all’s good with the world and it’s fine and dandy (unless it’s assault or coerced, which is obviously different).

18 year old having sex with a 15 year old? Adult with a child - exactly what the law seeks to prosecute.

I often work with teenagers who send these pics. The girls often do it in a bid to attract the boy, in an attempt to gain popularity, for attention, to garner compliments, to compete and beat their friends (for likes, comments etc) and some sexual response from being desired.

@toomanyeggs I think a lot of people are missing my point, I clearly think the law needs to change. When I was at school a lot of girls were having sex at the age of 13/14/15 happily and consensually so why are men automatically classed as a sex offender when a girl is happily giving consent it's not fair. The law can class my bf as a sex offender if they want but he's not as I gave my consent to him so regardless what the law classes him as he's isn't a sex offender. So a 30/40 year old man grooming or touching a 15 year old is the same as me giving my consent just over 2 years older than me, what I'm saying is the law can call someone a sexual offender when they aren't one. A sex offender is someone who touched a child without permission the law needs to make a clear difference between someone in a relationship ages 15 and 18 and someone who is 30 trying to touch kids.

How can anyone call an 18 year old a sex offender for having a girlfriend just over 2 years younger than him and put him in the same category as a peadophile. men who actually prey on young girls and groom/rape/touch them it's completely unethical and ridiculous. A lot of laws in this country are ridiculous

Good god Amy1996 so your definition of a sex offender is someone who touches a child without consent? And to repeat others, the law calls people sex offender you know, when they have committed sexual offences.

Thanks fuck the laws around sex offences are more sensible than you are.

Because they are children @Amy1996. I cannot believe how stupid your comments are and have reported them.

By extrapolation @Amy1966 we should amend the Marriage Act and allow child marriage because the girls consent to wearing a wedding dress and having a party, even though they didn't fully understand the consequences. And that's the point: children are not emotionally equipped to deal with this stuff and they need responsible adults to protect them.

Yes young girls ‘willingly’ send intimate photos sometimes - but they are groomed into doing so, the same as young girls that ‘willingly’ sleep with older men, again they are groomed. No 12/13/14 year old wakes up one morning thinking they will send photos or have sex with people. They are slowly and expertly groomed into doing this. These men are predators and they know what to say and do to get young people to do what they want.