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Original poster

To be appalled at how most couples share childcare of a newborn?

718 replies

lmcc13 · 04/09/2018 07:56

I’m in a same-sex couple with my wife, together for 7 years and married for 2. We were delighted to add to our family four weeks ago when my wife gave birth to our beautiful baby boy. Becoming a parent, I’ve noticed lots of people (friends, colleagues and strangers) sharing anectdotes about their own parenting experiences. The thing that has shocked me most is how unequally caring for a newborn seems to be shared between the couple. We don’t have any other gay parent friends, so I don’t know if this is different in same-sex partnerships, but amongst straight couples it still seems the norm for the stay at home parent (exclusively mums in our social circle) to do the lion’s share of the work; during the day, in the evening and at night. I keep hearing “well of course if she’s breastfeeding, there’s not much you can do to help” and “well, I have to get up and go to work in the morning”. I find both comments infuriating! My wife is exclusively breastfeeding, and I am now back at work, but the list of things I can contribute towards raising our son is long. I clean and tidy the house, get shopping in, load and unload the dishwasher, change 95% of the nappies when I’m home (including all the night nappy changes), sterilise the breast pump when she expresses...etc etc. I’m up in the night every time the baby cries to change the baby, help my wife into the feeding chair, then later burp the baby and settle him back into his cot. And, like most of our friends and colleagues, I have an office job - I might be tired and incoherent at work occasionally during the day, but I’m not solely responsible for a human life! Unless the working parent drives, operates machinery or cares for others (nurses, teachers etc.) I refuse to believe that they can’t share in the exhaustion too. Very long rant, sorry! I think I’m just a very disappointed feminist to realise that parenthood seemingly transports many women back to be 1950’s. Why are women allowing this to happen, and why aren’t men stepping up more?

OP posts:
Foggymist · 04/09/2018 08:01

Off the topic a bit but there's no need to sterilise for breastmilk if baby was full term and healthy.

policeandthieves · 04/09/2018 08:01

Why are you both up in the night every time the baby cries? When I was EBF and DH was working I got up. I didn't need to be helped. When I went back to work we got up 50/50 . Off course it needs to be shared but everybody doesn't have to do it the same way.
You are very sanctimonious OP

BertrandRussell · 04/09/2018 08:01

Well, I suppose it depends whether you want someone driving a car while incoherent with tiredness. And whether the woh parent can have a nap at work.

BertrandRussell · 04/09/2018 08:03

And if my partner had offered to “help me into the nursing chair” after the first few days I would have bitten him.

daughterofanarchy · 04/09/2018 08:06

Congratulations on your newborn. From my own experience my husband did his part with both babies despite doing demanding professional jobs. He would sterilise the bottles, take the trash out, tidy up, refill the nappies in the changing station etc. I was crippled with PND (I am Again at the moment)! and found it hard to keep on top so welcomed him taking part. However we are currently going through a bad patch due to other issues, but that’s a whole other thread!

JillCrewesmum · 04/09/2018 08:06

Dh never got up in the night, but he made sure absolutely everything else was done so I could just snuggle away with the baby for a few days at least. We needed one of us to be compos mentis!

Allthewaves · 04/09/2018 08:06

Agree with most of your points except getting up at night. There's no point both being exhausted. My husband used to give bottles breast milk late evening so I could go to bed early then I'd do night feeds. It's about tag teaming and supporting each other definitely

IslaMann · 04/09/2018 08:07

That’s s bit of a sweeping generalisation. My DH shared everything. I couldn’t bf so when baby woke in the night, he went down and made the bottle while I changed her nappy, then whoever fed her, the other settled her, even when he was back at work. During the day everything was 50:50. Still is when we are both at home. He actually does the lions share of childcare in the day as his shift ends sooner than mine ( I work 4 long days, he works in a school so shorter hours and term time only). So no, in our family childcare isn’t solely down to the female.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 04/09/2018 08:07

Aten’t you marvellous? It really doesn’t need two people to do the night feeds Hmm
Particularly when one of them is merely faffing about trying to feel useful. Why would anyone need to be helped into a chair??

Original poster
lmcc13 · 04/09/2018 08:07

Ouch! I’m not trying to be sanctimonious! And I would never offer an opinion to parents themselves, I’m just really surprised at the assumption that ‘the whole package’ is a woman’s work. Both of us getting up at night works for us - I prep, then nap, she feeds then sleeps then I sleep. Each to their own of course, I just can’t help feeling society’s expectations haven’t moved on very far when it comes to parenting.

OP posts:
claraschu · 04/09/2018 08:07

I can only answer for myself. I agree that lots of men do a lousy job sharing responsibilities, though.

In our case, we co-slept, so no nighttime getting up and down at all, just a blur of feeding, sleeping, and occasionally shuffling on a new nappy while still lying down. My husband slept through most of it, and I was only half awake.

I liked being out and about during the day, as I found it very isolating being home alone with a tiny baby, so I did errands like shopping with our newborn in a baby carrier on my chest. It felt good to have a low-key reason to get out.

We are fairly pretty messy and also travelled a lot with our baby, so housework was at a minimum. I guess my husband didn't do all that much, but he did have a close bond with our baby.

Popfan · 04/09/2018 08:08

Why are you both getting up in the night, it doesn't need 2 people! I'm sure your wife manages to get into the chair by herself in the daytime? Is your work happy you are tired and incoherent?
Of course you do the house stuff and nappies etc when you are at home - that's a given.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 04/09/2018 08:09

Everyone does it their own way; giving as little regard as you do for society’s “expectations”...

sexnotgender · 04/09/2018 08:09

I agree the labour division is definitely off for most people I know.

If EBF I wouldn’t particularly expect my husband to do much during the night though.

StoorieHoose · 04/09/2018 08:09

You both get up during the night? You ‘help’ your wife into the feeding chair? Does she have a physical disability?

I had raging PND and would have hated DH doing that and would find it very suffocating

Fireworks91 · 04/09/2018 08:09

The majority of those tasks are just common or garden running the house tbh. Whoever is most able at the moment it needs doing does it and it doesn't come under the banner of taking care of a newborn.

I'm on child #3 now and haven't had the need to get up and be helped into a 'nursing chair', have someone wind or change the baby in the night etc

Original poster
lmcc13 · 04/09/2018 08:09

Amazing to hear your stories of shared work - what a relief! Hopefully I’ve just come across a few more ‘traditional’ set ups!

OP posts:
Brownieb · 04/09/2018 08:09

... why both be sleep deprived if your wife is ebfHmm. The other stuff ... surely partners do... they probably just don’t wang on about it ...

LyndorCake · 04/09/2018 08:11

So what does your wife do? If you do all the nappies, burping and settling, all shopping, all cleaning etc? Doesn't sound very evenly split to me.
I EBF and I didn't need a hand getting into my nursing chair, how bizarre! I just lifted my top and off we went.

theboud · 04/09/2018 08:11

My DH is a paramedic. He couldn’t go to work exhausted so I did all of the night feeds. I was exhausted but that’s just the way it is. Him getting up at the same time wouldn’t have changed that.

And if my partner had offered to “help me into the nursing chair” after the first few days I would have bitten him. Quite.

ExBbqQueen · 04/09/2018 08:12

Dh helped a lot. I didn’t want him getting up in the night after the first few days (c-section) as I would rather go to bed early & do the night feeds. He had dcs from
9pm till 12/1am feed. It worked well for us. He’s still hands on. If anything he’s the one still awake when they are out clubbing. It was 5.30 am last week....

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 04/09/2018 08:13

What a relief!. Confused. Do you really need validation from complete strangers in everything you do?
And why do you think anyone has validated you getting up in the night to help your partner into a chair?

ferrier · 04/09/2018 08:13

If one is a sahp and the other is ft working then yes the sahp does the lions share of looking after the children and the home. Obviously the working parent steps in if it's getting too much for the sahp but on the whole the sahp can do the majority of the childcare and the housework.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 04/09/2018 08:14

I didn't see the point in both of us being knackered. I sorted out our twins at night .... certainly didn't need helping into any chairs and that was after a CS.

Fairypiggy · 04/09/2018 08:14

During maternity leave I wanted DH to keep his job so wouldn’t really want him at work incoherent with tiredness.

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