To be appalled at how most couples share childcare of a newborn?

[lmcc13]

I’m in a same-sex couple with my wife, together for 7 years and married for 2. We were delighted to add to our family four weeks ago when my wife gave birth to our beautiful baby boy. Becoming a parent, I’ve noticed lots of people (friends, colleagues and strangers) sharing anectdotes about their own parenting experiences. The thing that has shocked me most is how unequally caring for a newborn seems to be shared between the couple. We don’t have any other gay parent friends, so I don’t know if this is different in same-sex partnerships, but amongst straight couples it still seems the norm for the stay at home parent (exclusively mums in our social circle) to do the lion’s share of the work; during the day, in the evening and at night. I keep hearing “well of course if she’s breastfeeding, there’s not much you can do to help” and “well, I have to get up and go to work in the morning”. I find both comments infuriating! My wife is exclusively breastfeeding, and I am now back at work, but the list of things I can contribute towards raising our son is long. I clean and tidy the house, get shopping in, load and unload the dishwasher, change 95% of the nappies when I’m home (including all the night nappy changes), sterilise the breast pump when she expresses...etc etc. I’m up in the night every time the baby cries to change the baby, help my wife into the feeding chair, then later burp the baby and settle him back into his cot. And, like most of our friends and colleagues, I have an office job - I might be tired and incoherent at work occasionally during the day, but I’m not solely responsible for a human life! Unless the working parent drives, operates machinery or cares for others (nurses, teachers etc.) I refuse to believe that they can’t share in the exhaustion too. Very long rant, sorry! I think I’m just a very disappointed feminist to realise that parenthood seemingly transports many women back to be 1950’s. Why are women allowing this to happen, and why aren’t men stepping up more?

My youngest is 16 Months and is still up overnight. When teething it can be hourly. We're both working and it would be crazy for us both to be up every time. We have set times that we get up to share the load and so we know who is getting up when.

We are exhausted as it is, it would be madness if we both got up every hour.

I think whether you both get up depends upon how it's all going. Feeding our first was a nightmare - we were both new to it and she was a tiny baby and needed sterile nipple shields and to pump after every feed plus top up with formula. Completely exhausting and DH was up at every feed helping, although he did sleep through the breastfeeding time and me through the settling time.

Dc2 and dc3 were bigger and breastfed and slept well - he didn't get up at all after the first week, I could lift, feed and put sleeping baby back down in semi darkness.

Congratulations on your new born - it's a big change and adjustment

If a bloke wrote this OP they'd be called allsorts & asked if they wanted a medal

A very sweeping generalisation by you. I don’t know any other couple who didn’t share everything 50/50 except for the night feeding. For us - my husband woke up with me everynight to keep me company - he works for himself we could afford this luxury.

If you are doing the lions share of the housework etc - what else is you’re wife doing bar looking after the baby by day? Congratulations btw.

i had all 3 by c section unfortunatly even tho i was desperate for a vbac. but my dh never needed to get up in the night to help me into a chair. my 3rd c section recovery was horrific i suffered in total agony i went home little over 24 hours after our son was born with just paracetamol and ibuprofen. dh did get up and get me some pain killers (even tho they didnt do a lot to help) and a glass of water and he did change nappies in the first week or so as we had never had a changing table before and i didnt get one with our 3rd either. i was expecting to use a changing mat on the floor like i did previously. i wasnt able to get back up off the floor or safely place our new baby on the mat. went online and ordered a cot top changer from babies r us and that solved that problem. dc1 was bottle fed. dh did a lot of night shifts as he was suffering insomnia anyway so was already awake. dc2 was breastfed until 7 months and dh didnt get up to help no need tbh and he didnt get up in the night much by 7 months and then we took it in turns getting up when he did wake. dc3 was breast fed for 11 months up until then apart from that first week or so dh never got up in the night. when dh was home he helped out tho. he did almost everything for 6 weeks after our youngest was born as i burst my stitches carrying a badket of wet washing 3 days post op with dc2 and he felt awful as he was meant to do that and he hadnt done it so i did. dh is a good man kind caring and and a great dad but he didnt need to help me in the night apart from that week or so after 3rd c section i just didnt feel the need for him to wake up too. each to their own tho and congratulations on the new baby

You are not being unreasonable. My husband would bring my daughter to me while I was in bed, let her feed and then take her back to bed! He does the lions share of the housework helps with our eldest daughter and works. We shared parental leave. In every sense we are equal, other than I am the main earner. He supported me with PND and is wonderful. Still irritates the hell out of me on occasions but both he and I believe parenting is a shared role.

auntybookworm

And that's great- it worked for you and you are "equal".

Other couples may work things out differently.

I did 90% of the hands on childcare when the kids were young, and didn't work for many years,

OUr relationship was "equal " too.

My husband had a long drive to work and a job which could result in buildings collapsing if he did it wrong so no, it wouldn’t be right to ask him to burp a baby in the middle of the night. He did, however, stay up as late as he could and give the baby an expressed bottle in the evening. He also got up early with the baby at the weekend so I could get some sleep. I had a friend with a baby at the same time whose husband never did any of that, even though the baby was formula fed. I remember her saying at one year that he had never once got up with the baby to feed him or give him breakfast at the weekend or let her “lie in” for a couple of hours alone. His justification was that he’d been working all week and needed a break. They split when the child was two.

Unless anyone actively complains to you about how they split things surely it’s not worth the headspace on how people do things?

StoorieHoose ( love the username btw)

Exactly!

My OH changed perhaps 5 nappies in the whole time we had our babies, and never fed them until they started solids.

What does that mean?

Diddly squat.

Thanks speakout. My DH was the same! Neither of us particularly enjoyed the newborn stage and we muddled along doing what was needed for all of us

Now DD and DH are thick as thieves and we all get mucked in. How my household is run suits us and is no one else’s business

@stooriehoose and @speakout totally agree!! Such a judgey inflammatory post! Who cares what others do. I’ve a 7 week old and my husband’s changed 1 nappy! He’s never burped him (he’s not windy) or got up to hand me the child that’s next to me! He cooks, he cleans, he’s out with DC’s now. Who’s bloody business is it to judge?!

Do you think possibly you're feeling like less of a mum for not breastfeeding/delivering and this man bashing/wife smothering is your way of compensating. It's been 4 weeks!

Yanbu. And you rock.

HI lmcc13 - regardless of parenting viewpoints expressed by others, I would just like to say congratulations to you & your wife on the birth of your baby boy - an exciting time for new parents and you will find what works for you. Enjoy your precious baby :)

You're just very lucky, lmcc13. Many of us have happy dreams of equality in our relationships, which seem more-or-less feasible pre-pregnancy. But when it comes to the parenting crunch, we find that our lower income and biology (milk-providers, PND, attachment issues etc) suddenly matter in a way that they really didn't before. We make compromises that don't sit easily with our feminism, but are the only way we can work things in reality. The father's income becomes the family income and his work takes priority, while the mother has to pick up most of the family chores and is often lucky to hold down some part-time and relatively low-level job on the side. Some women have help from the older generation that allows them to continue their careers, others pay for help (almost always from another woman), a few have a partner with a flexible enough life to do "their share". Yes, if only things were different... But they ain't.

Oh well aren't you just perfect then!
Unfortunately some of our partners have to work at least 12 hours a day in physically demanding jobs (and some days doing overtime to make it a 24 hour shift)
The mortgage and bills don't pay themselves you know.
But you stay up there on your high horse and pretend to know the ins and outs of other people's business.