To be appalled at how most couples share childcare of a newborn?

[lmcc13]

I’m in a same-sex couple with my wife, together for 7 years and married for 2. We were delighted to add to our family four weeks ago when my wife gave birth to our beautiful baby boy. Becoming a parent, I’ve noticed lots of people (friends, colleagues and strangers) sharing anectdotes about their own parenting experiences. The thing that has shocked me most is how unequally caring for a newborn seems to be shared between the couple. We don’t have any other gay parent friends, so I don’t know if this is different in same-sex partnerships, but amongst straight couples it still seems the norm for the stay at home parent (exclusively mums in our social circle) to do the lion’s share of the work; during the day, in the evening and at night. I keep hearing “well of course if she’s breastfeeding, there’s not much you can do to help” and “well, I have to get up and go to work in the morning”. I find both comments infuriating! My wife is exclusively breastfeeding, and I am now back at work, but the list of things I can contribute towards raising our son is long. I clean and tidy the house, get shopping in, load and unload the dishwasher, change 95% of the nappies when I’m home (including all the night nappy changes), sterilise the breast pump when she expresses...etc etc. I’m up in the night every time the baby cries to change the baby, help my wife into the feeding chair, then later burp the baby and settle him back into his cot. And, like most of our friends and colleagues, I have an office job - I might be tired and incoherent at work occasionally during the day, but I’m not solely responsible for a human life! Unless the working parent drives, operates machinery or cares for others (nurses, teachers etc.) I refuse to believe that they can’t share in the exhaustion too. Very long rant, sorry! I think I’m just a very disappointed feminist to realise that parenthood seemingly transports many women back to be 1950’s. Why are women allowing this to happen, and why aren’t men stepping up more?

Aljopo what a strange comment... Of course the baby is hers?
Firstly, you don't know whose eggs were used.
Even if her wife did provide both eggs and womb, the baby is just as much hers as her wifes.

I think you sound like a wonderful partner and it's lovely to hear

For the first 4 days after ds was born, when we were in hospital, dh got up for all night feeds as I wasn't able to lift the baby out of the hospital crib (I'm unbelievably short and had a c-section and couldn't manage the angle). Dh would get baby up and change nappy, then pass him to me and go back to sleep. Once we were home and I could get baby myself he didn't get up, but there are situations where both partners get up for a night feed

Op, I'd also be interested in who chooses the division of labour in the uneven relationships you know of. I have 2 close friends who combination fed their babies, so no reason why night feeds couldn't be split, but refused to let their husbands feed the baby in case they "did it wrong". One wouldn't even let her dh give their baby a bath! I think this is the exception, but it's not always the partner not wanting to be involved

Congratulations but...

If you're at work after getting up every time the baby cries in the night I think that's bizarre. Your wife can sleep during the day/veg on the sofa whilst the baby is feeding the next day - you can't. Having to do all that in the night then be forced to be on your A game at work is unfair. Unless you do an extremely easy/routine type of job which doesn't require (sorry I don't mean to sound like a dick, honest) "brainpower".

Nothing wrong with helping all the rest of the time- like coming in and doing dinner, shopping, housework - I'd expect that. But when it comes to night feeds leave that to your wife, get up by all means on the weekends though.

Could it be perhaps because you didn't physically birth the baby you feel you might need to over compensate?

I don't need help with night feeds. I feed him then hoof him back into bed. My husband's lack of breasts means there's no point in disturbing him.

If you’re both knackered, it can only cause bitterness and resentment between the pair of you. I’d honestly rather have at least one well rested parent in the early days (preferably the one going to work) than none, to save the relationship if nothing else.

DP and I both work FT but I’m currently on mat leave. As a result I do the housework and cooking and I expect this mostly to continue once the baby is born. Not saying he’ll be getting full English breakfasts or gourmet dinners and the housework will understandably slide for a while. I will be EBF too so it’s true, there’s not much he can do to help with that unless I express but I truly cba with that- it’s such a faff. So I expect for a few months, it will mostly be on me but at least if he is getting sleep, he can adequately support me emotionally.

Huge congratulations on the arrival of your baby.

But you are coming across as a martyr.

There’s no need for both of you to be shattered.

Aside from getting up in the night (we co-sleep so not much of that anyway) my husband does everything that you’ve outlined you do... even when I’m happy to do those things he’s up like a shot before I can. He also does a lot of developmental play with our DD that I find he is stronger at than me. He also makes me a packed lunch everyday to save me struggling with DD as she doesn’t like being put down too often.

You’ll never fully understand or appreciate the inner workings of another couples relationship you know... I think you might not be getting the complete picture from all these sleep deprived mums your wife is chatting to...

Hello there

My little one is fed a combination of expressed breast milk and formula, unfortunately I could not establish breast feeding :-(

At the start we did shifts when my oh went back to work, I would go to bed about 8pm until about 12am, while my partner looked after LO, my partner would come to bed with LO and I would do 12am until about 6am.

I can understand helping into a feeding chair if your wife had a c section or was sore after the birth, heck I need help getting up sometimes while I was holding the baby, I feel like a tortoise stuck on its back half the time!

My oh helps massively but I do the lions share of the work, we both go to bed at the same time now that LO is sleeping better, but during the night feeds he will either change a nappy or go downstairs to get a bottle of breast milk, I would then feed and settle her back down while he goes back to sleep.

I’m still on maternity leave but I am not looking forward to going back to work, not sure how we are going to work it when I go back xx

"Unless the working parent drives, operates machinery or cares for others (nurses, teachers etc.) I refuse to believe that they can’t share in the exhaustion too."

Don't you think those categories might include a fairly large proportion of the working population, though?

Bit of a pile on, however it’s difficult to disagree with the majority. I think you’re in the fog of the early weeks of parenting. It’s very easy to think you’ve found an epiphany in the way you do things. There really isn’t a need to help a breastfeeding mother at night if she’s capable and baby is settling well. Baby screaming the place down and feeding isn’t doing anything is a different matter! There’s absolutely no point in a partner getting up, one parent might as well be as ‘awake’ as possible, it’s not a matyr competition.

What the fuck is a nursing chair

Yes, I did wonder this myself. Often when I’m on MN I feel I’ve wandered down the rabbit hole of middle-classness. I just bought myself a big cushion to put behind me in bed, hell would freeze over before I got out of my cosy bed in the middle of the night unless absolutely needed!

I've done it all on my own three times, looks like I'm a mug!

Not sure why two of you need to be up in the night?

I have a 7 week old and yes, I am absolutely shattered but I don't have to get up at an alarm at 6, get ready, drive and then do a full day's work. I do the night feeds during the week and DH takes over on weekends (mostly!).

I absolutely don't think anything less of him for it and I don't think we live in the 1950s we definitely don't

I think most couples I know split the load but each take on separate parts at different times. For example, the breastfeeding partner does all the night wakings after the first few weeks (ie once recovered from birth) unless she or the child is ill and they need extra help - otherwise there's nothing for a second person to do as the baby just wakes, feeds, sleeps. But the non-breastfeeding partner gets up w the baby in the morning and cares for them until they leave for work. The non bf partner does more of the dishes etc, might bring the bf partner stuff while they're feeding if necessary, takes the baby out for walks at the weekend/early evening so the bf partner can sleep/have some time to themselves. Perhaps you've just been unlucky in who you've met. I certainly don't think 2 adults need to get up in the night, unless there are other issues at play or the working partner's job is one where mistakes aren't a big deal/have minimal consequences...but even then I'm not sure what they'd actually be doing.

Congratulations on your baby.

You do sound rather sanctimonious though OP.

Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint and you are only 4 weeks in.

We have twins and I exclusively breastfed.

My DH changed every nappy he was home for, he did every bath he was home for, he did laundry and cooked etc etc etc. He was (and is ten years later) incredibly hands on.

And he does work in an office. But if he makes an error at work people can die. So no, he wasn’t very often up in the night with me after he finished paternity leave (and I was getting up twice as often as you and your wife are).

Being a good parent means lots of different things and people organise their lives in different ways.

I was a SAHM until my children started school. Is bearing the entire financial burden of the household not contributing?

OP I do partly agree with you. I think, compared to a normal office-type job it's easier to be the working parent and the one on mat leave has it much harder, especially if they are doing all the night feeds. I'm 37 weeks pregnant and this is one of the main reasons I won't be EBF. I just can't manage with the sleep deprivation. My OH will do half the feeds during the night even when he is at work (so hopefully we'll only be up a couple of times each max). So we'll either alternate or do 'split shifts'. But I agree with other posters that both of you getting up together evert time after the first few weeks is a bit ridiculous. It can't really be sustained long-term. If I were to EBF then no chance would my OH be getting up if the baby needed fed!

I think you are generalising quite a bit. You're being quite unfair here. My own dh did just as much as you prob more too if you take in to account copious amounts of travel he was doing then too.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby. I do agree with previous posters that there is no need for both of you to get up in the night. DCs slept in a cot next to me and I fed them in bed put them down and went back to sleep. A nappy change was rarely needed for mine.

BUT it’s interesting that on this thread people are saying no need for both of you to be knackered, whilst on another recent thread with a mixed sex couple, the wife was told that Her DH was unreasonable for not getting up in the night and the few of us who felt the same as me were shot down.

My husband never got up in the night. He works with radioactive materials. A mistake at work through tiredness could wipe out half of northern Europe. That's not a feminist issue, it's a survival of humanity issue.

(I may have exaggerated slightly with the wiping out northern Europe bit.)

You’ve been a parent a while four weeks OP, chill a bit on how badly the rest of us seem to be doing.
DH never got up for a night feed beyond the first few days when I was still in pain with stitches. Someone needed to be awake enough to get the older kids up for school, drive them, etc. And I preferred having it quiet and dark and peaceful in night feeds, not having another person bumbling round. Nevertheless we shared looking after DS and older kids and household chores from day 1 - DH doing more of the rest as I was the only one who can feed DS- as I’m freelance and wasn’t taking maternity leave.

I have breastfed three babies without having the need of a "nursing chair". Also agree with what everyone else is saying - after a couple of weeks DH was back to work and expected to be on the ball and there's no point in two people being dog tired when it could be one person dog tired.

Another point, if my DH got up every time I did, he would have lost his job. His salary is performance based so a priority for us was making sure we would be able to provide a roof over our baby's head, clothes and food in his belly. Being at home with a newborn is different every time. Some babies need to be held constantly, some just eat and sleep, mine was the latter so rather than sitting on my arse watching day time telly, I used the time DS slept to do housework.

My own personally setup should not provide you "relief" because quite frankly, it's none of your business unless I ask for your opinion. It had zero impact on you whether my DH gets up once or five times during the night. It doesn't impact your relationship with your wife and it doesn't have any impact on you daily life. keep your snobby nose out of other people's business! And don't be a coward, if you've going to pass judgement on all of the relationships in your social circle, say it to their faces. Don't be a dick and declare how wrong it is online to a bunch of strangers and feel like your superior.

But you are coming across as a martyr

I couldn't agree more.

I have an almost 6 month old. I don't feel I needed help in the night to feed or change my baby and much rathered one of us was less tired to have a clearer train of thought than us both having a frazzled brain. In fact, I actually can't think of how my DH could have helped me in the middle of the night that would have actually been of any benefit to anyone.

I may have done the majority of childcare in the early days but I'd say he took on the role of making sure I was cared for when I was otherwise preoccupied by our newborn by coming cooking dinner for me, running me a bath, grabbing anything I needed or wanted from the shops (even if I REALLY fancied cheesecake at 9pm ) etc

I'm all for equality and sharing jobs in the home but I honestly think that the early days of a baby's life and postpartum it can't be 50/50.

I think if your circle of friends are exclusively of the type where the mum does everything and the partner/dad does little to nothing then you are very unfortunate. It's not the case in our circle. In our own case I exclusively bf but my husband did all cooking, most of the shopping, a fair share of all other chores and pretty much all nappies when he was home. With DC2 I've done much more but when I return to work in November DH will work part time and be a stay at home dad part time.
I do think you are bonkers for both waking for every feed though - hopefully when the baby's not pooping in the night you can knock that on the head.

OP you sound lovely. Congratulations on the birth of your son. I can’t believe the reaction to your post. I personally think it’s the mental load, rather than the physical, that ends up skewing the imbalance further. This usually comes later once both partners are back at work. Given so many mumsnet posts are about feckless partners and unfair divisions of labour, am frankly gobsmacked at the negativity directed to OP.