To be appalled at how most couples share childcare of a newborn?

[lmcc13]

I’m in a same-sex couple with my wife, together for 7 years and married for 2. We were delighted to add to our family four weeks ago when my wife gave birth to our beautiful baby boy. Becoming a parent, I’ve noticed lots of people (friends, colleagues and strangers) sharing anectdotes about their own parenting experiences. The thing that has shocked me most is how unequally caring for a newborn seems to be shared between the couple. We don’t have any other gay parent friends, so I don’t know if this is different in same-sex partnerships, but amongst straight couples it still seems the norm for the stay at home parent (exclusively mums in our social circle) to do the lion’s share of the work; during the day, in the evening and at night. I keep hearing “well of course if she’s breastfeeding, there’s not much you can do to help” and “well, I have to get up and go to work in the morning”. I find both comments infuriating! My wife is exclusively breastfeeding, and I am now back at work, but the list of things I can contribute towards raising our son is long. I clean and tidy the house, get shopping in, load and unload the dishwasher, change 95% of the nappies when I’m home (including all the night nappy changes), sterilise the breast pump when she expresses...etc etc. I’m up in the night every time the baby cries to change the baby, help my wife into the feeding chair, then later burp the baby and settle him back into his cot. And, like most of our friends and colleagues, I have an office job - I might be tired and incoherent at work occasionally during the day, but I’m not solely responsible for a human life! Unless the working parent drives, operates machinery or cares for others (nurses, teachers etc.) I refuse to believe that they can’t share in the exhaustion too. Very long rant, sorry! I think I’m just a very disappointed feminist to realise that parenthood seemingly transports many women back to be 1950’s. Why are women allowing this to happen, and why aren’t men stepping up more?

I'd have been quite pissed off with my husband if he had felt the need to get up in the night every time I did, how patronising.

I do read a lot of posts on mumsnet about male partners not pulling their weight but I'm really glad to say that this wasn't my experience nor that of my friends. None of us have partners who expected us to do all the nappy changing etc. Mumsnet is a place where people come to vent and ask for advice, so I suspect we mostly hear about the bad stuff.

Well most of the time in heterosexual relationships, the man goes back to work after 2 weeks paternity leave. What with not being able to give birth and all. And needing one fo the two to earn money.

ime with a first baby both parents tend to do a lot because you're both in a heightened mode at having become parents, all hands on deck kinda thing. With further DCs, it's more practical and pragmatic and you both realise there's no need for two people to do night feeds or nappy changes. I still had a very fair balance with DH doing most of housework as well as him working full-time, while I focused on DCs as I was BF and on mat leave. But he still got up super early so I could catch up on sleep and he looked after DC in evening while I had another nap. I think couples work out what's best for them. Obviously some mums get lumped with all the crap as threads on here have proven, but I wouldn't say it's 'most', or that your set-up is unusual or specific to bring gay at all.

slow clap

What a completely ridiculous over-generalisation. Quite why I would need or want my DH up in the night to help me into a nursing chair is beyond me (cue now massive drip feed that your wife has x, y and z conditions).

Seriously parenting is long and arduous - worry more about what you two are doing and less about what others are.

It's really nice that you're there to support your wife. My DH puts LO to bed in the evening, gives her last feed (bottle). During the night I do the majority of it but he's there if I need him. I think it's ok for me to be tired at home as although I've a lot of physical work with a newborn, i don't need my brain to be alert. He has to drive, work on projects, concentrate, meet clients etc.
I do see your point about them helping when they get home- cleaning, making dinner etc but I don't think your wife should expect you to be up all night with her

Well yes, I did the ‘lions share’ at home because he was going out to work! Not like he’s off on a jolly at weekends he helped evenly. I did night feeds, again because what’s fhe point in us both being up and tired? I wouldn’t expect him to do 50% of everything as a whole at home and go to work and commute outside the home as well. That’s not equal or fair! If i’m up feeding the baby I don’t need him to wake up to burp the baby for five minutes it’s just common sense

Also there is really no need for both of you to be getting up every time in the night. Why would you be more tired than needed? Take shifts, not double up.

Sounds like subconsciously you wish you had given birth, and are worried about your place in the unit.

What the fuck is a nursing chair

I agree OP.
Me and DH did it like you are doing, a professional job is nowhere near as tiring as looking after a colicky, sleepless, cluster feeding newborn. Other than anything else, it can get bloody lonely. Sometimes it's nice to have adult company to share in the exhaustion.
DH making me laugh at 3am when I thought I was going to die from tiredness made it a million times better. He used to do the nappies, winding and settling and I think it worked well for us.
As for housework, I just don't think that happened for the first six months.
I don't understand the martyr mentality of doing ALL the night waking - why on earth would anyone want to?
Surely stay at home mums also have to drive (usually with a baby in the car) when tired too or should we just be expected to lock ourselves in the house?

You help her into the feeding chair?

It’s just practical. No need for you both to be sleep deprived when one is EBF. You’re doing a job on top. It wouldn’t be helpful to the family situation if you began failing at work becasue if exhaustion would it?

I honestly don't see the point in 2 people getting up in the night every time the baby cries. What is the point in you both being exhausted? To prove a point? So you can say look how good a parent I am?

And as for all the housework and stuff-the trick is to have very low standards. i didn't want my dp doing unnecessary housework when he got home from work-I (and he) wanted him to spend every possible second with his baby.

I love that you help her into the feeding chair! Yeah it's not essential but it's such a loving, cherishing thing to do.

Having a baby takes such a toll on your whole person and, depending on what kind of pregnancy & birth you have, kind assistance in these seemingly low-level things can really feel like the difference between coping and not.

I remember being so grateful every time somebody got me a glass of water when bfing, or a comfy cushion. The little things aren't little at all.

Agree with you OP - there is a lot the non-birthing parent can do and I too know a lot of mums who were just kind of left to it.

Congratulations to both of you on your baby. 💐☺️

I'm the gentlest way OP, I think you are going out your way to be as much of a 'mother' to the baby as the birth mother.

I understand why you wish to do that and why you want to be equally as involved, it's a lovely demonstration of your love both for your baby and for your wife.

But most men don't want (or feel the need) to be a second mother, and the mothers don't want it either. Whilst some new mums may feel their husband doesn't pull their weight most people are happy with the division of labour.

My dh earns a v good wage but the salary is dependent on him being able to solve complex problems daily, he wouldn't be able to do that on the amount of sleep you're having.

We also have an older dc as well as a baby so he usually sorts out the older one when home.

It's about division of labour, I'm very happy with what my dh does, he works very hard and it would irritate me if someone like you had the opinion he wasn't doing enough.

Do what works for your family unit, but don't judge what works for others.

I would have thought my working DP was being a martyr if he got up every time the breast fed baby cried to "help me"

I too am the one getting up in the night to the babies.

I would wake, lift, latch, sleep.

I don't see how DH would be of any help whatsoever in that scenario.
With regards to the nappy change, it would take me 2 minutes. It would take longer just to wake him to watch him do it and feed then sleep.
I genuinely don't understand the point.
It's quicker, much less hassle and no ones in the way if I just whip the baby out, change feed and close my eyes.

I don't go in to my husband's work and try to take on his role, and, horror (faux gasp), women aren't allowed to anyway, and he leaves me to get on with mine. When you have periods of time when they won't be there, it makes no sense becoming reliant on them sharing every single thing to do, because you're then stuck when they're not there.

Mine was brilliant during his leave, helped out after work until I was more capable physically, and we take it turns with nappies when he's here. He does the washing up, and takes the rubbish out.

I think it's strange that you're disappointed in the way other people choose to raise their children, we do what we feel is best for our family, and were happy with our choices.

You would've annoyed the hell out of me hovering while I was trying to feed.

If someone is working full time then it makes sense for them to sleep. The mother can sleep during the day when the baby does. People at work don't get that opportunity.

I did it all & still am doing it as a lone parent. No family. No ex around (Thank god)

Co-slept/B.Fed.

No way on this earth was I getting out of bed at night.

Drop of at C.M
Go to work.
Pick up from.C.M
Work,Feed,Laundry,Cook,Clean,Shop.

Lots of crying from DC.
Lots of crying from me.

Awake every 2 hours.

Every single day. Day in, day out.

We can do it alone sometimes.

Sometimes its easier.

Well I needed to be helped to get out of bed after the night feeds and deposit the sleeping baby into the cot. This was in part due to the layout of the furniture in the room (cot right up against the bed my side) and the fact that I was very weak after the birth and probably due to the birth injuries and my total lack of core strength. And awful tiredness that meant I couldn’t problem solve the most basic thing. I think it is totally bizarre that it is considered fine for the person alone with a baby all day to bear the brunt of the exhaustion. My husband works in an office. His day is framed by a commute in which he could nap and he enjoyed an entire hour at lunch when he could drink hot drinks, eat a meal and have a nap. I was surprised how many people thought it was wrong to ask for his help at night but we both wanted a baby. I was in bed for six weeks when the baby arrived so he also changed every single nappy until he went back to work. We have never shared other household chores or the mental load equally by the way and it still drives me crazy that we don’t (although we are trying). Dispite our more equal split when it came to caring for our baby I still often felt lonely and desperate.

babysharksmummy
Its not martyr mentality doing the night feeds without waking your partner. its just pointless both being up for no good reason. I fed in the semi dark and generally none of us were too disturbed. I couldn't face a whole extended palaver with all lights on.
If it suits you to have your partner awake fair enough but don't imply yours is the only way and everyone else is a martyr.

Well its swings and roundabouts isnt it when i was on mat leave i got up.with the babies during the night, as dh worked shifts, and was tired he works in a warehouse its heavy physical work, when i went back to worked (on nights) he looked after them when i was working and during the day whilst i slept after a night shift

My husband did most of the housework and got the baby ready for bed while I slept, took him in the morning so I could sleep but didn't get up in the night as there was no point. I'd rather we both weren't massively sleep deprived!