To be appalled at how most couples share childcare of a newborn?

[lmcc13]

I’m in a same-sex couple with my wife, together for 7 years and married for 2. We were delighted to add to our family four weeks ago when my wife gave birth to our beautiful baby boy. Becoming a parent, I’ve noticed lots of people (friends, colleagues and strangers) sharing anectdotes about their own parenting experiences. The thing that has shocked me most is how unequally caring for a newborn seems to be shared between the couple. We don’t have any other gay parent friends, so I don’t know if this is different in same-sex partnerships, but amongst straight couples it still seems the norm for the stay at home parent (exclusively mums in our social circle) to do the lion’s share of the work; during the day, in the evening and at night. I keep hearing “well of course if she’s breastfeeding, there’s not much you can do to help” and “well, I have to get up and go to work in the morning”. I find both comments infuriating! My wife is exclusively breastfeeding, and I am now back at work, but the list of things I can contribute towards raising our son is long. I clean and tidy the house, get shopping in, load and unload the dishwasher, change 95% of the nappies when I’m home (including all the night nappy changes), sterilise the breast pump when she expresses...etc etc. I’m up in the night every time the baby cries to change the baby, help my wife into the feeding chair, then later burp the baby and settle him back into his cot. And, like most of our friends and colleagues, I have an office job - I might be tired and incoherent at work occasionally during the day, but I’m not solely responsible for a human life! Unless the working parent drives, operates machinery or cares for others (nurses, teachers etc.) I refuse to believe that they can’t share in the exhaustion too. Very long rant, sorry! I think I’m just a very disappointed feminist to realise that parenthood seemingly transports many women back to be 1950’s. Why are women allowing this to happen, and why aren’t men stepping up more?

bloody, some babies won't sleep in a wet nappy. Luck of the draw.

As a fully competent adult I have never needed help sitting down in a chair.

And if my colleagues or staff were tired and incoherent at work because they were dragging themselves out of bed at night to basically faff around watching someone else feed the baby, I would not appreciate it. the fact that you work in an office does not mean you get to opt out of working effectively.

True LRD but most will sleep in a wet nappy. There’s certainly no need for it to be changed every hour to hour and a half, which is how often mine fed in the beginning.

Oh, and I think the MN insistence that poor daddy can't possible work if he is a teeny bit sleep deprived is utterly ridiculous.

I assume the women who say this don't work themselves. I went back to work at 5 months each time (I live in a country with rubbish maternity leave) and it's much easier to do an office job sleep deprived than to entertain children all day. And a business trip is a bloody vacation where you can sleep without being woken by a baby and watch films on the flight. I know because that's how it is when I take them too.

Mums don't fall for this nonsense that it's too hard to work without 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Unless your DH is a pilot or surgeon it's rubbish.

Any reason why it’s still the mum and not the father who gets when bothoe feeding???

Because the father has to go to work the next day and needs to be able to function? Though I agree that in that event he should be the one to get up at weekends or when he has a day off the following day.

I only know one same-sex couple who have just had their first baby, she's nearly 8 weeks old. I went to visit the stay at home/birth mum (who is my friend, I don't know her partner that well) the other day and I was struck by how very traditional their roles were and how little the non-birth mum (sorry not sure if that's the best terminology!) was involved. My friend was saying she felt under a bit of pressure (from herself/society) to run the house normally, have it tidy and have made the dinner for her DP getting home, keep the baby asleep overnight as her DP had a long commute and stressful job etc. They were both adjusting to their new roles. It wasn't any different to any other new parents really!

What does 'prep' for breastfeeding a baby at night involve?
When my new born cried at night , I reached out my arms to get her and put her on my breast. The most I had to do was roll over if I was facing the other way. Is that what you mean, roll your wife over?

I did the housework when dh was at work and dds were asleep, because I had the time to do it. Slightly absurd to spend that time sitting on my fat arse doing sfa, so that we could say that when dh got home we shared it.

How much entertaining does a newborn baby need?

If you say so. Having had a baby who screamed the place own with a wet nappy, I'm conscious of what a pain it was!

I do feel there are a few comments on this thread (this one about nappies, all the silly 'oooh, what's a nursing chair, are you posh, we made do with the coal scuttle and we were lucky' bollocks), which come across a little bit as trying to put the OP down.

Or a tree surgeon LRD. That's what my husband was doing when I was in the depths of hell of waking babies. I was genuinely worried he would chop is legs off.

OP, I wonder if you're emphasising how much you do because of the social pressure on you as a same-sex non-birth mum?

Actually yes, this (combined with new parent enthusiasm) would explain the overkill.

And err wtf night nappy changes? Nappy only changed between midnight and 6am for poo. Wet nappy left til the morning.

I think at 4 weeks my DS was still pooing at every feed.

I EBF for 4 months and during that time did all the night stuff - like others I saw no point in us both being awake. Unless there was an epic nappy or some other reason I needed 2 pairs of hands.
I do remember feeling quite alone at these times though. DS was a shit sleeper and fed every 2 hours the whole time I bf.
I spent my whole life feeding though as DS has severe reflux. So Dh cooked and cleaned after work as well as walking the dog.

Once we moved on to bottles, and I was back at work also, damn right DH was taking his share. We would alternate. One would prep the bottle, one would get DS. Once stayed up and fed/burped/resettled while the other went back to bed.

My DH helped a lot with all 3 of ours but I still got up in the night for feeding and burping. Certainly didn't need help settling into a chair...??!! I could nap during the day when the babies slept, he couldn't nap at work.

Before children and between when I wasn't on Mat leave DH and I shared the cooking/cleaning/shopping anyway as we both worked full-time. When I was at home with the babies, he pitched in even more when he wasn't at work but he didn't NEED to. I was perfectly capable.

To be completely honest, I had plenty of time during the day to tidy up, catch up on sleep etc. Newborns are boring, well mine were anyway, and once they settle into a routine they are actually quite easy - I definitely had an easier job than DH. Of course I am not all mothers, but your OP seems to be criticising MOST couples, so you need to see the other side...

eeanne, think you missed my post where I pointed out that I do work, and worked very efficiently during the newborn stage when we were both getting up in the night.

I get what you mean, however there's absolutely no reason to both get up in the night, or to change the baby's nappy at each waking if it's just wee. I didn't/don't need help into a feeding chair, and I coslept and fed in bed anyway.

Anyway, my husband is responsible for caring for our 3YO at night (bed wettings, need a drink, need a wee, had a bad dream etc etc etc), and lying in bed feeding the 4 month old feels like the easier of the two!

As for housework, I do most of it because I do it during the day alongside looking after both the children.

Gersemi, the stay at home carer also needs to function. I echo what eeanne said, work is a holiday compared to looking after a demanding child, rewarding as the latter is.
Office jobs involve a lot of sitting down, usually a lunch break and being able to prioritize tasks in the order that you deem fit. Being a SAHM you don't get any of that.
I work from home and on the days when I go into the office I find it a lot more relaxing (but not as fun!)
Regarding nappy changing, some babies don't want to sit in a wet nappy, some parents don't want to force them to.
Some babies (not mentioning any names babyshark!) would NOT settle after being fed and needed changing, winding and consoling before repeating the whole process all over again because by the time they are asleep, it's time to feed again. I could NOT have done that all alone.

Hmm. Do I detect a bit of dog whistle homophobia on this thread?

Op is using being tired and incoherent at work (her words) as a badge of honour, LRD?
I wonder why you assume your experience is the definitive one, and everyone else’s doesn’t count?

Well aren't you just super. You really do sound very sanctimonious, especially for someone who is only 4 weeks in. Why assume that in heterosexual couples it's all left to the mum? Do you really think you're unique in helping?

My dh did a lot to help with our first, he woke with every feed etc etc but we were all just finding our feet and it was all so new. Once feeding is established and mum doesn't need that support then it really makes no sense for you both to wake up. When we had our second we made a deal on my insistence that he didn't wake for the night feeds/nappy changes but instead got a good sleep so he could help in other ways.

Not sure the OP will ever return but...

We’ve co-slept with ours and DH has been as much of a big warm pillow as me and had the odd tiny foot in his ear while i breastfeed next to him.

It’s not about ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, but if everyone is happy. For the first few we shared everything and worked the same hours, then we decided I’d stop work and do the lions share- for many reasons. I love the opportunity to have time out from work with the kids, I feel lucky to afford it, enjoy my days and am adept at taking the odd nap if I need to

Why on Earth is she faffing about getting into chairs in the middle of the night?

DH was wiring up fighter jets when our kids were newborns so it would have been stupid and dangerous for him to have gone into work knackered. HE did need to help me sometimes because my second pregnancy and birth left me disabled, but in the main I did it myself.

DH has been as much of a big warm pillow as me and had the odd tiny foot in his ear while i breastfeed next to him

I want another baby...

Iam - I don't follow you, sorry? What am I assuming is the only experience? Pretty much all my posts have been pointing out that there isn't one default experience, and therefore that telling the OP she's wrong to do it her way is daft?

So what were you responding to of mine?

Anyway, my husband is responsible for caring for our 3YO at night (bed wettings, need a drink, need a wee, had a bad dream etc etc etc), and lying in bed feeding the 4 month old feels like the easier of the two!

Same for me (although 2 years between the DCs), I basically outsourced DC1 to DH from about 5 months pregnant. I got the good deal as DC2 is a really easy baby and DC1 is in full blown terrible 2s

My DH was desperate to be involved but I didn’t see the point in him waking up for me to breastfeed. However he did used to get up to take over the burping etc which was really lovely but I felt he was better off getting some sleep so he could perform well at work (I was after all on mat leave- what if he’d lost his job?! Eeek)

So after a few weeks I moved to a different room with baby, meant I could also turn the tv on etc whilst feeding

I know many people whose partners don’t help at all and I think poorly of them. But I also know many who are just as involved as DH.