To be appalled at how most couples share childcare of a newborn?

[lmcc13]

I’m in a same-sex couple with my wife, together for 7 years and married for 2. We were delighted to add to our family four weeks ago when my wife gave birth to our beautiful baby boy. Becoming a parent, I’ve noticed lots of people (friends, colleagues and strangers) sharing anectdotes about their own parenting experiences. The thing that has shocked me most is how unequally caring for a newborn seems to be shared between the couple. We don’t have any other gay parent friends, so I don’t know if this is different in same-sex partnerships, but amongst straight couples it still seems the norm for the stay at home parent (exclusively mums in our social circle) to do the lion’s share of the work; during the day, in the evening and at night. I keep hearing “well of course if she’s breastfeeding, there’s not much you can do to help” and “well, I have to get up and go to work in the morning”. I find both comments infuriating! My wife is exclusively breastfeeding, and I am now back at work, but the list of things I can contribute towards raising our son is long. I clean and tidy the house, get shopping in, load and unload the dishwasher, change 95% of the nappies when I’m home (including all the night nappy changes), sterilise the breast pump when she expresses...etc etc. I’m up in the night every time the baby cries to change the baby, help my wife into the feeding chair, then later burp the baby and settle him back into his cot. And, like most of our friends and colleagues, I have an office job - I might be tired and incoherent at work occasionally during the day, but I’m not solely responsible for a human life! Unless the working parent drives, operates machinery or cares for others (nurses, teachers etc.) I refuse to believe that they can’t share in the exhaustion too. Very long rant, sorry! I think I’m just a very disappointed feminist to realise that parenthood seemingly transports many women back to be 1950’s. Why are women allowing this to happen, and why aren’t men stepping up more?

I think that you look down on the fifties housewife life but some women want that. I need very little sleep and loved being up with my son during the night, just me and him. We were up at least 3 times until he was 17 months. I caught up during the naps the next day or just took it easy if we had a bad night. I wanted to bf him and I loved dressing him and settling him. I appreciated the help when it was offered but I didn’t feel like I needed it to get by. I didn’t feel like I was playing the martyr, my son was pretty difficult for the first 6 months and only settled with a feed or a cuddle from me. I wanted him to be comforted when he needed it.
I personally hated my husband getting up during night feeds. He needs 8 hours a night or he can barely function/is the grumpiest person around and I loved feeding my son while my husband was sleeping beside me. I liked to do the nappies (I’m a nurse so a bit obsessed with bowels) so I knew what was happening there.

Each to their own of course

Unless their own is different to yours right OP?

It doesn't matter how any couple splits the load providing they're happy. It's when one partner is unhappy that trouble starts.

OP to me (I have a 4 month old)? You sound marvellous. I often feel very alone and unsupported as whilst DP does try he appears oblivious to what baby needs, the need for house jobs or that I’m sleep deprived and now often I’ll (recurrent mastitis is a bitch).

I don’t know why you are getting so much stick. Perhaps many of the others posting haven’t struggled but I know many new parents where one half of the couple is taking on way more than the other!

I don’t see the point in two people being tired and grumpy. I much preferred my husband to be refreshed so he was able to be the fount of positivity I needed during the day.

I could sleep and ebf. No point waking the husband. He helps out round the house and has the baby in evening once I've fed him. I go to bed for an hour or two and he brings me baby when he wakes. I never understand both parents awake at night, both tired. I'm on maternity leave so I deal with the nights.

How is op “unfortunate” in how her circle of friends chooses to organise their lives? It has zero impact on her, and is frankly none of her business.

Apparently research shows the number one predictor of successful breastfeeding for mum and baby is the support of a partner. All the support you are giving your spouse will make it much more likely that she will be able to bond with the baby and establish a strong breastfeeding relationship and BF for longer. So the emotional support is essential for new mums and some of the most important work/help a partner can do.

Conversely lack of support from their partner is the most likely culprit when a mum stops BFing earlier than she had planned.

That's great, I'm glad you're both enjoying your new baby. However you're only 4 weeks in, I'm guessing that you've been off work for most of it, feeds are short and reality hasn't kicked in yet.

Come back in 4 months or 4 years and tell us how wonderful getting up together multiple times through each and every night is, and that you still think more people should be doing the same and maybe people may take you a little more seriously.

You mean well, and it's lovely to hear that it's all going so well for you - enjoy this phase, there will be many, good and bad and each will pass. Remember the good times.

I FULLY agree with you OP but you will find that women in here are more likely to defend heir DH and explain why they can’t possibly get uo at night or change the baby etc..
The ‘he will be too tired for work’ is been said again and again.

Even though everyone will find normal for doct Ris and nurses to do very very long night shift or to be on call before going to work as normal the next day. Apparently that’s not dangerous nor is it a problem if they were on call. But been woken up by a newborn, YOUR newborn and getting up to help is a major source of accident and danger

Apparently it’s also ok for the MOTHER to work night shifts and then look after her dc during the day.

The issue of course if that acknowledging that your DH, the one you love and want to see as a good father, is actually crap isn’t easy.
And fighting for Moore equality is just as hard as men push back with the usual argument of been tired, needing to work etc... when the reality is that caring for a newborn is a woman job and therefore they don’t see theneed for them to step up. Worse even when they do a little bit, it’s seen as amazing a till both by them and by their dw.

We deliberately didn't let my husband get up in the night second time around, I had the big double bed and breastfed, he went in the lounge and got some semblance of a night's sleep. He then worked more effectively, and, more importantly, could take over most of the care on weekends so I could rest/nap/go out for a while and catch a break.

I think exhaustion after a couple of years of not sleeping takes a huge toll. Read 'Why We Sleep' which is a brilliant book for an explanation of why it's not desirable for everyone to suffer sleep deprivation for years on end. Our division of sleep worked much better, and second time round was a doddle, than first time around when we were both knackered and competitive tiredness kicked into the marriage.

@Padparadscha my mil was simply scandalised when I said I wasn't buying a nursing chair as I have a perfectly good sofa and bed. Her response "you're going to do night feeds in bed?!"

Like fuck was I going to drag myself to another room every few hours through the night to sit in an over-priced rocking chair!

I’ve breastfed three without anyone faffing around in the background plumping cushions behind me, Movablefeast...
I’m not sure “support” really extends to hovering around doing bugger all in the middle of the night.

I think both partners contribute in different ways, and one shouldnt be dismissed as less important than another. I was useless overnight as a father, purely because I'm a heavy sleeper and baby didnt wake me. But I was able to help around the house, keeping the place good and letting my wife be a mother. I found that when he was first born, she was extremely protective and possesive of baby duties anyway, she has a very strong mother instinct.

Never had a feeding chair and most certainly did not need helped in and out of any chair 4weeks after birth. BF the advantage is waken up boob out feed baby. Snooze.

Very patronising and sanctimonious op. And I say that as someone who’s now ex husband did the sum total of fuck all.

I think OP, you might develop a more balanced view of parenting once you’ve been a parent for more than 4 weeks. Or once you have stopped getting up in the night unnecessarily and your brain-fog has gone...

I appreciate you’re looking for validation for your own way of doing things - we’ve all been there - but there’s some useful perspective on this thread that may help you in other ways!

Also another vote for a co-sleeping crib and doing the feeds/changes in bed - no need to get up and into a chair and doesn't disturb baby as much either. I bottle feed and just make 2 boiling bottles before bed and keep them in insulated pouches.

We also shared night feeds, though because DP had had a complicated labour and a messy c-section and couldn't lift the baby, and the baby was septic at first so we had to mix-feed her very frequently. We were both awake but honestly, you can do that for four weeks (or three months). It's a bit grim but it's not for long. It's nicer both being awake at least some of the time, too.

OP, I wonder if you're emphasising how much you do because of the social pressure on you as a same-sex non-birth mum? I think there's quite an odd attitude to mums here. On the one hand, you're not really treated as 'mum' by a lot of people, because they're used to the idea that 'mum' is the one who gave birth. On the other hand, you may not quite fit with the male partners either, or you may feel invisible if you're constantly put with 'dad'.

Sometimes this stuff can be quite disorienting, I think. It shouldn't matter, but constantly being called 'dad' in antenatal groups and so on, can make it feel as if you have to work extra hard to be visible as a mum. I wonder if doing a lot of the work - and consciously comparing yourself to opposite-sex couples as you do - is part of this?

Not that it seems a bad thing to me to share the load, but it might be worth considering. And that side of things does calm down massively as you get further into things. People stop making quite so many assumptions.

My DH did plenty to help, but I must say I could never see the point in two of us being awake at night. What preparation do you need to do for a breast feed? So far as I was concerned it was a matter of crawling out of bed, latching the baby on, and that was it. If a nappy needed to be changed, I would rather do it than hang around waiting for DH to do it. Generally speaking with breastfeeding there was no need to burp the baby. And I definitely didn't need him to help me to the feeding chair!

When I was on maternity leave, it was doable on the basis that there were fairly long stretches of time when I was feeding when essentially relaxing, generally watching TV or reading. I could easily carry out activities like washing and cleaning whilst tired. The same couldn't be said for what DH had to do at work. It just made sense for me to cover nights, and it's not as if it was for ever.

Andreas I really dint agree with you.

First of all the number one thing that ensure successful bf8ng is support form the partner.
Second, by the time bith my dcs were 6 months old (so not so long for the OP) they only needed to be fed once at most during the night.mthe rest if the time, feeding (bfing or bottle feeding) was just a tool to settle them and the same effect could easily be achieved wo feeding. Of course this is much harder if it’s the mum that gets uo and baby can smell the milk....

Finally, the op dw is bfing. However, we know that most women don’t bf and STILL it’s the mother who gets up.
Any reason why it’s still the mum and not the father who gets when bothoe feeding??? Yep. You have it. Because only women can feed a bay of course! Even with a bottle

So I have to say I can to see why it would always be the mum who gets up.

As for getting up for years as a badge of honour that allows you to talk about how to organise the family life.... what can I say??

And err wtf night nappy changes? Nappy only changed between midnight and 6am for poo. Wet nappy left til the morning.

Surely it will depend on the circs. When mine were tiny my dh was working very long hours in a demanding, 6 day a week job (we were abroad at the time.). He was out of the house by 7 every morning, and often not home until they were in bed. He did come home for lunch, but I would never have expected him to do night feeds, esp. since I was breastfeeding and expressing would have been even more of a faff.

He was very willing to share care when he was there, change nappies, etc,, but when they were tiny, except for his one day a week off, he wasn't there very much when they were awake.

Certainly with dd1 I wasn't knackered all the time - contrary to much of what you read here, I found it reasonably easy. It was a bit different when we had a toddler, too, but with dh working such long hours, and earning all of the money at the time, I didn't want him losing sleep, too - he needed all his wits about him at work - he was out on site most of the day building roads and airports, etc., not sitting at a desk.

I totally agree that childcare should be recognised as an equally important contribution to paid work outside of the home, but the OP reads like she doesn't think the paid contribution she makes to the house is of value, which is swinging unhealthily in the other direction!

Are you planning shared parental leave, OP? If not, I shall prepare to be sanctimonious about your unwillingness to ensure your partner's career isn't interrupted :p

I understand OP. It's all such a boring cliche, isn't it.
I thought we would be different. We weren't. Divorced now anyway, so now I still do it all, but on my own terms and without resentment.

I bet the load is shared more equally between same-sex couples.

Oh, and I think the MN insistence that poor daddy can't possible work if he is a teeny bit sleep deprived is utterly ridiculous.

Unless someone is working as a brain surgeon, I would think they can manage some slightly disrupted sleep for a few weeks. Maybe not past the newborn stage, but the newborn stage is only twelve weeks FFS. It is not long. I wrote a chapter of my book when my DD was newborn, which is quicker than I've written anything else of the same length, and it was just fine. And my DD was up every two hours for a feed and slept exclusively on our chests, so we had to be awake with her quite a bit.

All these martyrish people who say their partners would be 'too tired to work' are being a bit dramatic.

Op isn’t talking about the mother being the one to get up
She’s aghast that both parents don’t all routinely get up together.