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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm really pissed off but not sure if I'm over reacting.

196 replies

JustChooseSomeCrisps · 03/09/2018 20:13

Because according to DH, I am.

I really need other people's perspective and if I'm BU then I totally accept that.

I bought a set of decent Allen keys that I needed the tiny one for, I specifically told everyone (especially DS) that they were mine and shouldn't leave the house.

I knew DS used them to fix stuff, but I figured I'd let that go as long as they never left the house.

It's suddenly dawned on me that I haven't seen them in a while (I've owned them less than a year, I don't use them often but it really pisses me off when I go to use a tool I own and it's not there, even if I only use it twice a year).

Turns out DS took them out and leant them to a friend, never to be seen again.
I got really mad with him because it was my property, he had no right to take it out the house and definitely no right to lend them to bloody anyone.

Turns out, DH knew this happened. He didn't tell me because "it's nothing to do with him".

I'm now pissed off with him as well because it's our son and it would be a very different story if it was his tool that was given away and he shouldn't have bloody told me so I could deal with it at the time.

Both of them are saying "but it was ages ago".

And it's been replaced for another set of Allen keys which is half the amount, doesn't have the same heads on, and worth a 5th of the price of my decent ones. And also doesn't have the tiny one on there, the one I needed in the first place.

DH seems think I am BU.

I'm hormonal and recently come of Sertraline, I realise that I need to be aware that I could get unnecessarily pissed off about something so I need to know whether I have a right to be angry with them both about this.

More annoyed with DS of course! But I feel like they are in cahoots about it, and neither had the back bone to tell me.

And it's £23 worth of tool that I have to replace! DS isn't getting pocket money at the moment because he's making up for his last epic fuck-up.

OP posts:

pigsDOfly · 04/09/2018 15:17

Did the OP say she was furious. Pissed off is what she said in her OP.

brassbrass · 04/09/2018 15:20

It's irrelevant that it's Allen keys. Just replace that with an item that you do value into the same scenario. It's not the item it's their attitude. Don't lose stuff that doesn't belong to you especially when you've specifically been asked to put it back where it belongs and if lost replace with an identical item surely not an inferior cheaper version!

They don't sound sorry either which is out of order.

OutPinked · 04/09/2018 15:23

YANBU.

I would be petty and find something that means a lot to DH then ‘lose’ it (hide it somewhere). When he freaks out asking where it is, tell him you lent it out and shrug your shoulders like it’s no big deal.

Also I would be chasing DS’s friend for them if I were you.

mrsm43s · 04/09/2018 15:33

This item is both cheap and easily replaceable. That's what makes the reaction rather extreme. To be rather pissed off is totally understandable, as is the expectation for DS to get it back or replace it, but surely it's not worth a massive family fall out over?

BlackrockMum · 04/09/2018 15:35

don't get mad get even. Christmas shopping list yourself a lovely girly colour toolbox ( experience says the pink glittery toolbox never moves from under stairs) DH a nice really big strong padlock , DS a lovely top of range set of allen keys..you borrow keys put them in toolbox borrow lock and lock it, forgetting where you put key - its xmas things get mislaid , but its ok until you remember ds can have your old set of keys, that's fair isn't it. and of course they will have long forgotten about this incident so will be looking at you all day as if you have lost the plot...had you known earlier would have been an excellent anniversary present

Original poster

JustChooseSomeCrisps · 04/09/2018 15:42

I'd be gutted if I got tools for Christmas. 😂

OP posts:

Liskee · 04/09/2018 15:48

How many allen keys does one need?

Anyway - YANBU. It's your stuff and he shouldn't be lending it out without asking.

llangennith · 04/09/2018 15:55

Just Googled Rainbow Allen keys and they look really good!

Beeziekn33ze · 04/09/2018 15:57

What does DS say about this? He's either keeping schtum or has left home!

OP I'm with you on this, all the useful things disappear and I get asked where they are! Sometimes the answer could be 'in my wardrobe'!

Believeitornot · 04/09/2018 16:00

It’s not really the item itself which is the issue. Even if it was something which cost 50p, it would remain irrelevant.

It’s the principle of respecting other people’s things which is the issue here.

YANBU

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 04/09/2018 16:04

Quite frankly, there are more important hills to die on.

MudCity · 04/09/2018 16:04

I’d be cross, really cross and tell my DS that he needs to replace my original set of Allen Keys by the end of the week / month. No ifs, no buts.

That either means he gets his friend to return them tout de suite or he buys me an identical set. If he doesn’t have the money he will need to borrow it from DH.

Either way, I’d get my keys back.

I’m cross for you OP.

Ignoramusgiganticus · 04/09/2018 16:05

No one should be going ballistic at anyone over a tool.

It's not the tool, it's the principle.

Sure these things happen in families, but most people say sorry and then you can move on. The op can't move on as quickly as she would like because her feelings haven't been validated and in fact, actually disrespected.

Given that women generally outlive their husbands, one day op may find herself all alone, kids will have gone and there will be no-one to nick her tools. Personally I'd rather be part of the chaos of family life. On your death bed you wont look back and think them bastards nicked my allen keys.

Fine if part of the chaos of family life means that people acknowledge when they've done wrong and apologise. Personally on my death bed I'd like to look back at a family that has respected each other.

timeisnotaline · 04/09/2018 16:10

You should serve tofu for a week. It’s just like meat, does the job.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/09/2018 16:17

I get your rage op. Just console yourself with the fact that your dh actually can do jobs/ diy. My dh can’t so the tools never go missing and he’s very tidy. You’d think that was a good trait except he does tend to throw things of use away, which gives me the rage. The amount of times I’ve told him to ask first is just astounding! I have to hide a whole bunch of other stuff....just not tools.

Buy yourself the Allen Keys for Christmas and the £1 box of chocolates for your dh as his present but eat the chocolates first.

Mitzimaybe · 04/09/2018 16:44

YANBU OP and it's totally not on of your DH to tell you you're overreacting. You are not overreacting. They both KNEW you had made it absolutely clear they were not to leave the house and that you meant it.

I'd be selling something precious of theirs to fund the replacement set and not telling them until after the event. [I wouldn't really but I would be sorely tempted and hugely angry about it.]

Mitzimaybe · 04/09/2018 16:46

Do DS and DH have any expensive trainers, Ipad, that kind of stuff? Lend them to someone.

Gingefringe · 04/09/2018 17:40

I would go apeshit too.
My daughter keeps using my expensive tweezers then mislaying them instead of using her own.

pigsDOfly · 04/09/2018 17:51

My tweezers weren't particularly expensive but they are the best tweezers I've ever owned, if someone mislaid them there would be serious trouble.

And no, replacing them with different tweezers wouldn't work.

Sometimes it's not about the monetary value of something, it's what it means to the owner; very much like the OP's Allen keys. That and the fact that the owner's needs and wishes are being disregarded.

supersop60 · 04/09/2018 18:04

Yanbu. I would take something from both of them to make a point.

nonevernotever · 04/09/2018 18:09

Are you married to my DH @mummyoflittledragon ? It drives me up the wall when he can't understand why I keep certain things (though to be fair he would probably say that my insistence on keeping things just in case drives him up the wall)

Billben · 04/09/2018 18:10

YANBU. I would react the same way. In fact if I had done the same thing your DH and DS had done to my DH’s tool, he would go apeshit. Rightly so.

BarbaraHepworth · 04/09/2018 18:14

If your son is old enough to 'lend' them to his friends he is old enough to pay up for the replacement if he's too wet to ask for them back. A child of mine would be paying from their pocket money!

Your DH is still a disrespectful git.

I'm all for the chaos of family life and if something was broken in the course of use I wouldn't bat an eyelid. If I've specifically said something is special to me and it's not to go outside the house I'd expect it to be replaced at the relevant idiot's cost.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 04/09/2018 18:17

I can't help with Allen keys, but for those who sew and want to protect their precious fabric shears may I recommend a small combination padlock to hold the handles together.

alardi · 04/09/2018 18:29

Worth getting furious about but not worth having as a Christmas present?

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