I'm really pissed off but not sure if I'm over reacting.

[JustChooseSomeCrisps]

Because according to DH, I am.

I really need other people's perspective and if I'm BU then I totally accept that.

I bought a set of decent Allen keys that I needed the tiny one for, I specifically told everyone (especially DS) that they were mine and shouldn't leave the house.

I knew DS used them to fix stuff, but I figured I'd let that go as long as they never left the house.

It's suddenly dawned on me that I haven't seen them in a while (I've owned them less than a year, I don't use them often but it really pisses me off when I go to use a tool I own and it's not there, even if I only use it twice a year).

Turns out DS took them out and leant them to a friend, never to be seen again.
I got really mad with him because it was my property, he had no right to take it out the house and definitely no right to lend them to bloody anyone.

Turns out, DH knew this happened. He didn't tell me because "it's nothing to do with him".

I'm now pissed off with him as well because it's our son and it would be a very different story if it was his tool that was given away and he shouldn't have bloody told me so I could deal with it at the time.

Both of them are saying "but it was ages ago".

And it's been replaced for another set of Allen keys which is half the amount, doesn't have the same heads on, and worth a 5th of the price of my decent ones. And also doesn't have the tiny one on there, the one I needed in the first place.

DH seems think I am BU.

I'm hormonal and recently come of Sertraline, I realise that I need to be aware that I could get unnecessarily pissed off about something so I need to know whether I have a right to be angry with them both about this.

More annoyed with DS of course! But I feel like they are in cahoots about it, and neither had the back bone to tell me.

And it's £23 worth of tool that I have to replace! DS isn't getting pocket money at the moment because he's making up for his last epic fuck-up.

Let's forget about the fact it's 'just' a set of Allen keys. It could be anything. The bit that would infuriate me is that you specifically told them both not to take the item out of the house and they did so anyway... But then they LIED and act like it's not a big deal because it was ages ago? It screams disrespect to me and like OP I would be enraged

If they'd have massively apologised and acknowledged they'd fucked up in their handling of it, it would have helped. By saying you've over reacted has made a bad situation a lot worse.

"By saying you've over reacted has made a bad situation a lot worse."

Yes-it's turning it all back onto the Op, instead of just apologising & replacing (like for like, obvs!)

BlanchM I didn't "misplace" them over a year ago. You've plucked that information from nowhere.

And yes what's pissed me off more than anything was the fact that there was zero apologies and I was made to look ridiculous for being angry because "it was ages ago".
Apparently I should have been absolutely fine with my property being taken and given away.
I could just imagine how DH would react if DS had done that with one of his much loved tools....

There was a good bit on Woman's Hours this morning about female anger and how both men and women try to minimise female anger because it's not deemed as valid or socially acceptable - even though it often completely is both of those things. It made me think of this thread and people telling the OP not to cause a fuss and get over it.
OP I think you SHOULD cause a fuss and NOT get over it. Listen to Woman's Hour on iplayer and validate your rage!

"Anger not deemed as valid."

Exactly that!

I'm fed up with anger. It's so fashionable, Brexit, Trump, both movements that rose out of misdirected anger that leads to everyone treating feelings, opinion & prejudice to be just as important as evidence or due process. Anger achieves nothing but division. Putin is gleeful.

It's just a tool OP had go missing, and I don't think she said she even needs it right now, nor is it impossible to get replacement (I DO have some tools that are very hard to replace) . Buy your replacement & keep in secret place. Make the kid pay for replacement. Let go. You need to save your emotional energy for bigger things.

JustChoose, off the point, but why on earth could your DS not go to this friend and demand that they return the keys or buy a new and equivalent set?

Oh god I get tool rage too! My husband never puts tools back where they belong, so when you need a screwdriver, you have to shove your hand into multiple boxes and heaps of abandoned tools that they have all mysteriously migrated into. Even my 'secret' toolbox is now missing a screwdriver, which I'm a bit upset about as it's one of the last things my granda bought me before his dementia got too bad.

Hex keys are a nightmare too - there are some small sizes that are not on the standard kits, and while you don't need them every week, they are vital to adjusting things like your derailleur

YANBU.
Both of them are twats.

When DS has finished paying off his last screw, up he should pay for this.
He needs to learn.
Once again, your DH really does sound like a twatty toolbag.

Alardi the voice of reason, finally!
I don't see this as a feminist issue in that OP should blow up over this and be incandescent in the name of equality.
No one should be going ballistic at anyone over a tool.

She’s not incandescent or ballistic - she’s angry that her possessions have been taken without permission and lost.

Blanche and alardi - far from being the voice of reason, I find you dismissive. Replace ‘expensive Allen keys’ with any of your personal possessions that you wouldn’t want someone using without permission, do you just internally sigh, rebuy and then hide it if someone gives it away?! Do you not see how ludicrous that is?!

The fact that this is a set of Allen keys is irrelevant really. The point is that it's something that belongs to the OP that has been taken without her permission, something that she bought for her own use, that she values and something that she told her family she doesn't want taken out of the house.

Her wishes have been disregarded and now she's being told by her DH, and several posters on here, that her anger is an over reaction.

Why shouldn't she be angry?

Is it acceptable now for people to take stuff that doesn't belong to them, give it to a third party and then declare it's been lost and the owner should just suck it up and stop making a fuss.

If that's the case, where does one draw the line. It's okay to take someone's tools apparently. Is it okay to take their mobile, their expensive jewelry, their car?

The tools belonged to the OP, nobody should have taken them and lost them. Of course she feels angry.

Blanche and alardi - I'm with you!

Diana I didn't say she was, that's what the majority of people here are telling her to be and I don't have to agree with that.

No I wouldn't, I'd be annoyed, get them to replace and move on with my day.

Given that women generally outlive their husbands, one day op may find herself all alone, kids will have gone and there will be no-one to nick her tools. Personally I'd rather be part of the chaos of family life. On your death bed you wont look back and think them bastards nicked my allen keys.

Haven't read the whole thread but I'd feel exactly as you do.

It's about basic respect which neither of them are showing to you.

So those poster saying the OP is over reacting can you list those things that you've bought for yourself that you own and value that you would be perfectly happy for other members of your family to take from your possession and give to someone else without your permission and have that third party lose.

Can't personally think of anything of mine I'd be okay with.

BlancheM The OP wanted them replaced but they were replaced with an inferior version that didn't suit her purposes. What's the use of that?

No, sorry I'm not going to sit and compile a list. How much value can one place on a set of friggin Allen keys anyway?! Maybe not the point but there doesn't need to be a deeper meaning to everything. Allen keys are allen keys

So send them out for a better set!

Pigs - can't think of anything that would evoke fury. I dont have much that is precious like that

Lethaldrizzle Life is full of minor irritations that we don't look back on on our deathbeds. Doesn't mean they don't annoy us at the time.

Not quite sure what your point is.