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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm really pissed off but not sure if I'm over reacting.

196 replies

JustChooseSomeCrisps · 03/09/2018 20:13

Because according to DH, I am.

I really need other people's perspective and if I'm BU then I totally accept that.

I bought a set of decent Allen keys that I needed the tiny one for, I specifically told everyone (especially DS) that they were mine and shouldn't leave the house.

I knew DS used them to fix stuff, but I figured I'd let that go as long as they never left the house.

It's suddenly dawned on me that I haven't seen them in a while (I've owned them less than a year, I don't use them often but it really pisses me off when I go to use a tool I own and it's not there, even if I only use it twice a year).

Turns out DS took them out and leant them to a friend, never to be seen again.
I got really mad with him because it was my property, he had no right to take it out the house and definitely no right to lend them to bloody anyone.

Turns out, DH knew this happened. He didn't tell me because "it's nothing to do with him".

I'm now pissed off with him as well because it's our son and it would be a very different story if it was his tool that was given away and he shouldn't have bloody told me so I could deal with it at the time.

Both of them are saying "but it was ages ago".

And it's been replaced for another set of Allen keys which is half the amount, doesn't have the same heads on, and worth a 5th of the price of my decent ones. And also doesn't have the tiny one on there, the one I needed in the first place.

DH seems think I am BU.

I'm hormonal and recently come of Sertraline, I realise that I need to be aware that I could get unnecessarily pissed off about something so I need to know whether I have a right to be angry with them both about this.

More annoyed with DS of course! But I feel like they are in cahoots about it, and neither had the back bone to tell me.

And it's £23 worth of tool that I have to replace! DS isn't getting pocket money at the moment because he's making up for his last epic fuck-up.

OP posts:
MarianneAgain · 03/09/2018 20:50

Commiserations OP, this sounds exactly like something my DH and DS would do... and they wouldn't understand why I was cross about it either....

YeahCorvid · 03/09/2018 20:52

I would and have been furious about exactly this, and several other instances like it.

My ex had no respect for my stuff and when I was stressed and busy and didn't have time to spend time looking for stuff (that might not be findable) I used to get very cross. he thought I was really selfish that I didn't just throw everything into a big communal bin to be lost and trashed and endlessly replaced by me.

My last line of defence (after all the tools that had been bought for me for birthdays and Christmas by my dad, so they were good ones, and I called them "mine" and exP considered this offensive) was a Swiss Army knife that I was given for my 21st birthday. It's got basic tools on it, and a corkscrew, and I kept it in my knicker drawer after years of never being able to find what I needed to do a job (so often not just in the wrong place but actually on a high shelf I couldn't physically reach! I was bizarre, and Freudian actually). The day he asked for "The" swiss army knife and I wouldn't let him have it because he had lost / trashed all my other tools was a dark, dark day.

Why were you on sertraline? I thought I was mentally ill when I was with my guy too.

BabySharkDooDooDooDoo · 03/09/2018 20:54

Get ds and his friends to buy you another set of allen keys between them

faeriequeen · 03/09/2018 20:57

Yes, I'd continue the no pocket money until they are paid off.

EggbertHeartsTina · 03/09/2018 20:57

I have a really specific Allen key that I bought, that I need daily for my bike (have to raise my bike seat to get kid seat on) and if it went missing I'd be pretty stuck. I wouldn't be able to take my son home from nursery for one thing. So I'd be really pissed off if someone took it / lost it. YANBU

Furx · 03/09/2018 20:58

My rage would know no bounds.

I am particular about my stuff, I have my own mug and water bottle because the scabby communal stuff gives me the the fucking rage. Tools are Top of the list of things I Don’t Share.

Also best post ever:

Tool misuse gives me the rage! DH is incapable of putting anything back properly so I keep a decent hammer, pliers and screwdriver set in the wrappy thing my hair straightners came in, in my knicker drawer. So far they are safe

BlancheM · 03/09/2018 21:03

It wouldn't really bother me tbh. Although many things would! I'd just pop to wilko and get some more and put them in my woman drawer.
Those little ones come in Christmas crackers don't they?

SeaToSki · 03/09/2018 21:03

I have bought myself a set of tools in hot pink. My DH and DS’ leave them well alone. I would be fuming too OP.

rosablue · 03/09/2018 21:09

I would definitely state that the replacement allen keys are temporary and can go to whoever bought them but that you are expecting your proper allen keys to be returned - an exactly identical set to the ones that were taken if your ds can't be bothered to or is too scared to get them back.

I would also start referring to them as the stolen allen keys rather than taken or borrowed or other lesser terms. They are the ones that are trying to gaslight you - don't stand for it. I would also be tempted to hide something precious of each of them - to see how much they like it when something they value disappears for no reason. Not to tell them until they notice - even giving them vague non-committal answers to start with so they can see how they like being of the receiving end of the treatment they usually dish out!

And happy anniversary - hope you manage to find a bit of enjoyment in the day...

ThanosSavedMe · 03/09/2018 21:15

Tell your ds to keep the replacement ones for himself and that he needs to buy you the set you had. Dh can get them for him and ds can pay him back.

Yanbu at. Your dh and ds are being dicks

rwalker · 03/09/2018 21:19

tbh I'd keep quiet couldn't be arse with this shit storm over a set off allen keys and just take the bullet when the crime is rumbled

BewareOfDragons · 03/09/2018 21:20

I would be furious, and I'm not 'hormonal'.

And it wasn't a long time ago ... for you it is now, because you just discovered they did this ... so they can stop focusing on that, too.

They took your stuff without permission. They lost it. And they didn't replace it properly. I would insist he buy you the same set. Make him mow lawns, do weeding or wash cars or something until he's earned the money to pay it back. Hire him out.

Inertia · 03/09/2018 21:21

YANBU to be pissed off.

It's not just the Allen keys,it's the disrespect- something that you use and need a particular version of, but they care so little for any potential inconvenience to you that they'll merrily give away your stuff.

QuitelovesStrictly · 03/09/2018 21:26

YANBU
Im Angry on your behalf and the minimising from your DH would make me murderous .
Mine once ruined a beautiful French linen tea towel.It was perfect,all lovely crisp and pristine and he used it to mop up coffee .
I was furious and even more so when he uttered the words "its just a tea towel"
It is still spoken of...

Ohyesiam · 03/09/2018 21:26

He should be on your side in getting ds to respect your property, not covering up for him .
Why aren’t women allowed to get angry? If he has any respect for you he’d see your anger as a signal that something is wrong that needs to be put right.
And for your ds, that household task that you hate? It’s his to perform daily until he’s worked off his£23 debt.

MrsStrowman · 03/09/2018 21:27

YABU ruining your anniversary over Allen keys, DS shouldn't have lost them and should have told you when he did, but OP they are just Allen keys, that aren't a vital tool to you as you've only used them twice in a year, you don't need them for anything urgent right now. DS needs to replace them in the next week with the same set, I get that it's annoying but a bit of perspective might help. Maybe they didn't tell you because they knew you'd flip your lid.

daffodillament · 03/09/2018 21:33

YABU. Especially as they replaced them..OK, didn't fork out what you did but replaced them all the same.

MissVanjie · 03/09/2018 21:34

Oh i’d go mental

The amount of time i lose off my life looking for stuff that ppl have moved

I could have written a fucking novel by now

Jimdandy · 03/09/2018 21:35

YANBU

Thesearepearls · 03/09/2018 21:36

i do think that YABU (sorry!)

This is what happens in families. My nice pair of secateurs have vanished. As has my copy of Ulysses (MUM SHE HAD AN EXAM SO I HAD TO LEND IT TO HER) my copy of Stalingrad (HE WAS IN HOSPITAL AND LIKES HISTORY BOOKS) my scarifier (trust me I was a bit bitter about my scarifier - I live on a moor and my scarifier is essential)

I think these things happen. A lot of the time. In families. I've learned that there's some give and take - which loosely translates as I give and every other bugger takes.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 03/09/2018 21:37

DS needs to replace them and your DH needs to have more respect for your stuff! My sympathies, my DP is careless with my things and it boils my piss.

PrtScn · 03/09/2018 21:39

Personally I'd be raging. I look after my tools and keep them in their own specific places. Thankfully my DP couldn't put a curtain pole up to save his life and doesn't know a wrench from a spanner. My son hasn't been born yet, but he will soon learn not to mess with mummies toys Grin

I'd make DS either get them back from his friend or replace like for like. If he resists, dock his pocket money every week/month until you have enough to buy a new set.
Meanwhile don't let it taint your anniversary!

BlackeyedSusan · 03/09/2018 21:43

so your son has stolen form you and dh is helping to hide that from you. taking things without the owners consent is theft.

Hassled · 03/09/2018 21:43

I'm feeling furious on your behalf and I don't even have strong feelings about allen keys. With me it's either my lightening charger or my tape measure - apparently they're fair game, or at least they were until I had a complete hissy fit about how I too am allowed to have things which are mine and mine alone.

picklemepopcorn · 03/09/2018 21:43

I may be reaching, but if this is a common pattern you may need to assess your relationship with DH. He is dismissing your perfectly valid anger. Minimising your feelings and telling you you are wrong may well be contributing to your need for sertraline.

Honestly, he is being horrible.

DS did a stupid thoughtless thing typical of a young person who doesn't really appreciate a lot of what you are trying to teach him. DH doesn't have the same excuse.

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