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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm really pissed off but not sure if I'm over reacting.

196 replies

JustChooseSomeCrisps · 03/09/2018 20:13

Because according to DH, I am.

I really need other people's perspective and if I'm BU then I totally accept that.

I bought a set of decent Allen keys that I needed the tiny one for, I specifically told everyone (especially DS) that they were mine and shouldn't leave the house.

I knew DS used them to fix stuff, but I figured I'd let that go as long as they never left the house.

It's suddenly dawned on me that I haven't seen them in a while (I've owned them less than a year, I don't use them often but it really pisses me off when I go to use a tool I own and it's not there, even if I only use it twice a year).

Turns out DS took them out and leant them to a friend, never to be seen again.
I got really mad with him because it was my property, he had no right to take it out the house and definitely no right to lend them to bloody anyone.

Turns out, DH knew this happened. He didn't tell me because "it's nothing to do with him".

I'm now pissed off with him as well because it's our son and it would be a very different story if it was his tool that was given away and he shouldn't have bloody told me so I could deal with it at the time.

Both of them are saying "but it was ages ago".

And it's been replaced for another set of Allen keys which is half the amount, doesn't have the same heads on, and worth a 5th of the price of my decent ones. And also doesn't have the tiny one on there, the one I needed in the first place.

DH seems think I am BU.

I'm hormonal and recently come of Sertraline, I realise that I need to be aware that I could get unnecessarily pissed off about something so I need to know whether I have a right to be angry with them both about this.

More annoyed with DS of course! But I feel like they are in cahoots about it, and neither had the back bone to tell me.

And it's £23 worth of tool that I have to replace! DS isn't getting pocket money at the moment because he's making up for his last epic fuck-up.

OP posts:
Happygummibear · 04/09/2018 05:24

I had to look up the Allen keys..... I have no use for more alien keys but I want these ones, they are amazing!

I get peeved that I am expected to know where every last thing is in the house even if it's something I don't use!

SofiaAmes · 04/09/2018 05:30

I hide my tools so my dc's can't misplace them. Drives me crazy. Look on Amazon, you can get really good Allen Key (and other things) sets for way less than £23.

mummmy2017 · 04/09/2018 05:33

So but I feel your pain...
We had a teacher who bought his own dust pan.
People borrowed it and never returned it...
So.... He used the shoe system...
Your shoe please....
Here is the dustpan...
Bring it back get the shoe back...
Maybe you could ransome their phones..
And keep your tools in a locked box..
£23 isn't a lot.
Tell your OH. You would like the money to buy a new set. And he get DS to do chores for him, to earn half of it...
Tell him, you will drop the subject if they do this...

TheSerenDipitY · 04/09/2018 05:43

havent read the thread... but yes i would be royally pissed!
when you replace your tools, buy a tin of neon pink paint ( or some other paint colour that might repel your men folk) and paint your tools ( or dip a part in the paint) and that way they can never say they didnt know it was yours
i found some tools at a 2nd hand store once and the former owner had painted everything from tire irons to spades and brooms and window washers to wrenches and screwdrivers all in a pale pastel green... i got the tire iron :D and thought what a great idea, you could walk in any friends garage and instantly know it was yours!

sessionExpired · 04/09/2018 05:51

He minimised your feelings. How very dare he?

You sound like hard work. No wonder he stayed out of it.

TechnicalSergeantGarp · 04/09/2018 06:04

YANBU they should replace like for like and keep the crappy ones. Genius move hiding them all. It didn't happen ages ago, it just happened. Your DH didn't stay out if it, he lied and colluded to keep you in the dark because he knew how you'd react. He could have replaced them.

Made allen keys are gorgeous.

The only allen key I've used came with the IKEA flat pack but I want these. Other than bikes, what are people using allen keys for?

I have stuff which is mine and I'm not sure the rest of the family get it. I have a flask that I use for water - DH puts coffee in it and is baffled why I mind a taste of coffee with my cold water. We have at least 5 others. I have lovely platters and cake stands which are mine and I don't lend out. If I batch make food, it is not for people that don't live in my house to take. I'd rather my family didn't use it either because I meal plan but I don't mind as much. You can have my last penny but don't go in my bag and in my purse. I have screw driver sets with magnetic tips which DH thought were ridiculous (and now uses all the time).

There are a few things which are mine. Everything else is fair game.

The80sweregreat · 04/09/2018 06:05

I would also be fed up - its not on.

Cupoteap · 04/09/2018 06:08

@TwentySmackeroos Grin

Cupoteap · 04/09/2018 06:10

Have also looked up said Allen keys and wish I needed them!

AprilFool18 · 04/09/2018 06:27

For the people asking what allen keys are used for .... I use them every day at work, to adjust wheelchairs, shower commodes etc. I have a metric set and an imperial set.
I also use them at home for my sewing machine, bicycle maintenance, occasionally putting together furniture or taking apart appliances.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 04/09/2018 06:29

There are different issues...

Lying /denying your feelings.. Treating your irritation /upset with contempt....( I would seriously consider hiding something essential of their jut as they're about to need it.... Then they can see how annoying it is...)...

And as above... The utter waste of time when you discover the tool you need to use right now... Has vanished...

I don't lend ANY tools... The last lot never came back when pal asked to borrow some as she ws doing up her house... This was 5 years ago.... Now they've become 'hers'... About 200£ worth Angry

Dogstar78 · 04/09/2018 06:35

Totally agree with other posters. Not putting tools back I furiates me. I moved in my partner's house. I had a lovely little tool box, since buying my first house, 3 months later it is empty. I need a set of allen keys for tightening my massage couch that gets lose. So now I have a decent set of tools in my beauty cabin at the end of the garden and let him go hunting for a bloody screwdriver when he needs it.

Dogstar78 · 04/09/2018 06:36

Wonder why they are need after Allen. Kate's keyssoumds much better

Dogstar78 · 04/09/2018 06:36

Named after Allen

DifficultDIY · 04/09/2018 06:37

Thinking about it, DH should no more replace the keys than I should.
Disagree, OP. I think he should because you asked them to leave it alone and they didn't respect that. Even if you hadn't asked ahead of time, it's common courtesy to ask whether a friend can borrow something if it's not yours. You don't just take it! And if you do (whether you asked first or not) then The person who did the lending does the replacing. If he's clever he will pass on this cost to the 'friend' who seems quite comfortable borrowing things and losing them without offering to replace like for like - not good for crap.

He minimised your feelings. How very dare he?
Well yes, actually, how dare he? Her feelings are completely valid, and even if they were, to tell her what she can think or feel is a problem of someone controlling and possibly quite narcissistic too. So yes, how dare he!

ICantBelieveIDidThis · 04/09/2018 06:37

YADNBU.

Can your DS repay you?

Can you find your own lockable tool box?

Your DH is being a hypocritical dick. If it had been his Allen key set, you wouldn't have heard the last of it.

strawberrisc · 04/09/2018 06:40

I don’t want to derail the thread OP but how are finding coming off Sertraline? 🤔 I only ask because my daughter is on it.

Gersemi · 04/09/2018 06:46

What if anything has your son done about getting them back from his friend? They're not the sort of thing you can lose that easily.

Frouby · 04/09/2018 06:48

This gives me the absolute rage.

DH is a builder so has £1000's of piunds worth of tools. Yet can't keep his hands out of my tool box that is a mismatch of aldi special buys and Poundland stuff. He has numerous special tape measures but I can never find my shitty Poundland one because he's used it. I bought a set of little screwdrivers especially for toys. Can never find one.

And worst thing he did was steal my hammer without me knowing then phone me complaining it was rubbish and the head had come off.

It wouldn't have come off with me using it to hang pictures. Twat.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 04/09/2018 06:49

The internet is full of angry people!

I get that it is irritating, and I would expect DH and DS to replace them like-for-like (definitely!) But I don't get the deep anger tbh

Seems an over the top reaction

As to reassessing your relationship (ltb).... only on MN Grin

DunesOfSand · 04/09/2018 06:56

They are Hex Keys. But one set was made by Allen Manafacturing, and the name got bastardised (there is a posh word for this, and I cant remember it). Much like all sticky tape is called sellotape, everyone hoovers the floor (even with the dyson), and writes with a Biro, not a ballpoint.

foxyknoxy30 · 04/09/2018 06:56

Yep this would give me the utter rage especially when you went to all the effort and expense to buy and specifically told them the conditions of use !!!I would be plotting my revenge.

lidoshuffle · 04/09/2018 07:01

A decorator took my late dad's spirit level from the garage to wedge under his ladder, and broke it. It was a thing of beauty in its way, and his father's I think. Hardwood with brass edges and one of the few physical things I had of my dad.

There was a whole garage full of other stuff he could have used (and even broken, I wouldn't have minded).

Charm23 · 04/09/2018 07:08

Let's forget about the fact it's 'just' a set of Allen keys. It could be anything. The bit that would infuriate me is that you specifically told them both not to take the item out of the house and they did so anyway... But then they LIED and act like it's not a big deal because it was ages ago? It screams disrespect to me and like OP I would be enraged! If normal conversations about it don't make them realise the main issues here then as a PP suggested, take something of theirs and hide it (I couldn't give it away, that's too mean)..

Sorry this has happened to you OP Flowers

EdisonLightBulb · 04/09/2018 07:16

I get the irritation I really do. It's not just because it was a set of 23 quid keys, it's the lack of respect for other people's things. I have similar anger when someone slams a door or rams the freezer drawers shut forcably without moving the food around so it closes smoothly. I like a nice house and unless things are treated with respect you end up living in a shit hole and invariably I am the one left to repair or replace a broken item that someone else has lost or trashed simply because someone else CBA to treat it properly.

Yet go in their company cars and there's coins in a little drawer, no dust, nice new smelly airfreshners, the same cars that you can't gave a takeaway coffee in should you spill a drop.

My blood pressure is rising thinking about it. 😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡