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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm really pissed off but not sure if I'm over reacting.

196 replies

JustChooseSomeCrisps · 03/09/2018 20:13

Because according to DH, I am.

I really need other people's perspective and if I'm BU then I totally accept that.

I bought a set of decent Allen keys that I needed the tiny one for, I specifically told everyone (especially DS) that they were mine and shouldn't leave the house.

I knew DS used them to fix stuff, but I figured I'd let that go as long as they never left the house.

It's suddenly dawned on me that I haven't seen them in a while (I've owned them less than a year, I don't use them often but it really pisses me off when I go to use a tool I own and it's not there, even if I only use it twice a year).

Turns out DS took them out and leant them to a friend, never to be seen again.
I got really mad with him because it was my property, he had no right to take it out the house and definitely no right to lend them to bloody anyone.

Turns out, DH knew this happened. He didn't tell me because "it's nothing to do with him".

I'm now pissed off with him as well because it's our son and it would be a very different story if it was his tool that was given away and he shouldn't have bloody told me so I could deal with it at the time.

Both of them are saying "but it was ages ago".

And it's been replaced for another set of Allen keys which is half the amount, doesn't have the same heads on, and worth a 5th of the price of my decent ones. And also doesn't have the tiny one on there, the one I needed in the first place.

DH seems think I am BU.

I'm hormonal and recently come of Sertraline, I realise that I need to be aware that I could get unnecessarily pissed off about something so I need to know whether I have a right to be angry with them both about this.

More annoyed with DS of course! But I feel like they are in cahoots about it, and neither had the back bone to tell me.

And it's £23 worth of tool that I have to replace! DS isn't getting pocket money at the moment because he's making up for his last epic fuck-up.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustChooseSomeCrisps · 04/09/2018 07:20

On one thread about the exact same subject I've been told to leave my husband over this.
I have also been told that I'm over the top and hard work.

Love Mumsnet 😃😃

Yes the PP is right, it's hex keys.
And to the person asking how it was coming off Sertraline - it's been relatively easy. But I did it very very slowly. I cut down from 50mg to nothing over 5 months.
Any faster than that and I would nose dive into a hideous depression that wasn't even true. I didn't take it for depression, I wasn't depressed but coming off them too fast would cause such a drop that it would create a depression because of the Sertraline (or lack there of).
So my advice is do is ridiculously slowly. Best of luck to your daughter.

OP posts:
LakieLady · 04/09/2018 07:40

I bought some screwdrivers with floral patterned handles, thinking they'd be safe from DP's grasp. However, he's obviously perfectly comfortable with his masculinity because on more than one occasion I came home to find them lying in the drive,monce they were lying there IN THE RAIN!

I had such a rage that he's either never borrowed them again or been very careful to put them back. Ditto my lovely pliers.

What really annoys me is that he has a huge array of tools of his own, but because he doesn't look after them he can never bloody find them.

Anyway OP, I think you should deduct the £23 replacement cost from his allowance or birthday money or something, and tell him why. You'll be doing his future wife/partner a favour.

ASqueakingInTheShrubbery · 04/09/2018 08:04

I would be fuming too. DH is a bastard for not cleaning paintbrushes. His art ones are immaculate, but his painting the house ones are effectively disposable. They have to be replaced every time because they're rigid with old paint from the last job. I have an old tool box that was my late Dad's. DH thinks everything in it is old, rusty and shit. My nice paintbrushes, hammers, spanners and screwdrivers and my adjustable pliers are completely safe in there.

Lethaldrizzle · 04/09/2018 08:19

If that's the worst thing your son does then i think you're doing ok. Count yourself lucky you're not Rachel Allen for example

Original poster
JustChooseSomeCrisps · 04/09/2018 08:27

Maybe it starts with disrespect of Allen keys and tumbled into a teen drug bust. Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
JustChooseSomeCrisps · 04/09/2018 08:27

Sorry that was meant to be Wink

OP posts:
Ariela · 04/09/2018 08:37

It's tape measures in this house. Always go missing. I bought enough for 1 for each drawer, and 1 for each possible place one might lurk.

Can I find one?

Peanutbuttercups21 · 04/09/2018 08:38

From Allen keys to Rachel Allen is only a small step, after all 😵

Gersemi · 04/09/2018 08:52

In our house it's scissors. The kitchen scissors are constantly disappearing, and I've had to tie my sewing scissors to the sewing basket. When we move out, we're probably going to find around 60 pairs of scissors in various nooks and crannies.

HopeGarden · 04/09/2018 09:11

This sort of thing really annoys me.

DH must have about 100 screwdrivers scattered about the garage. But because he never puts them away in any of his several toolboxes, it’s near impossible to find one when needed.

So I bought my own screwdriver set for when I need a screwdriver. Which, predictably, DH borrowed because it was easy to find, and then failed to put bits back afterwards, so my screwdrivers joined the herd of them lost in the garage.

I’ve since bought another set and hidden them so DH can’t find them, but it pisses me off that I’ve had to hide my stuff to stop it going missing. I suppose at least it’s still somewhere on our property!

AveABanana · 04/09/2018 09:24

Because of this type of shit I have a large ball of string. So far I have tied the following items to immovable objects in the house:
Nail scissors
Nail clippers
Toothpaste
Tweezers
Hairbrush
Measuring tape
Kitchen scissors
TV remote controls (6 of them)
And my pen by the pc.

I am eying up the glue and the sellotape too.

The kids hate it. DH thinks it's "unnecessary" but is strangely silent when I ask him where the contents of my once fully stocked toolbox are.

Kattyy · 04/09/2018 09:30

Is this thread a wind up???? Similar to road rage, is there "tool rage" raising it's ugly head in this country? :)) seriously ladies, so much aggression over a few Allen keys???

Original poster
JustChooseSomeCrisps · 04/09/2018 09:56

You're missing the point entirely.

OP posts:
QueenEnid · 04/09/2018 10:15

Yea YANBU OP. I would be livid in your situation. Perhaps you need to go properly ballistic at both DS and DH to the tune that they both need to respect your property and NOT TELL LIES! I hate people who tell lies. Or lie by omission. It infuriates me 🤬

Hadalifeonce · 04/09/2018 10:27

I too would be absolutely seething. I would try to find out who DS lent them to. and contact that person direct to ask for them back (hopefully embarrassing DS in the process) that might make him think twice in the future. DH would have to show certain contrition for his collusion.

DoctorTwo · 04/09/2018 10:44

YANBU in the slightest. Your son should replace your set with the same as the one he gave away. At least then he'll learn the value of ownership of nice stuff.

PrincessButtockUp · 04/09/2018 11:06

You specifically told them to respect that this was your personal stuff. DS ignored that and loaned/gave to someone else. DH colluded with him in covering it up.

I'd be so annoyed at the lack of respect and the minimising.

How old is DS? Presuming at least school age, he needs to ask for the set back. "I'm sorry I shouldn't have given it to you. It belongs to my mum and I'm in trouble. Please would you return it?" Suitably embarrassing to prevent future attacks of similar generosity, hopefully!!

If that doesn't work, a direct like for like replacement is the only acceptable alternative.

At that point, they need to work on being trustworthy again.

Eliza9917 · 04/09/2018 11:35

Make DH buy you a lockable tool container.

I started buying tools in pink many moons ago in order to keep hold of them. Fuck knows where they are now though, so that didn't work too well.

mrsnoodle55 · 04/09/2018 11:48

Interesting that so many of us are afflicted by this! I got so sick of never being able to find any of the hundreds of screwdrivers/tools that are scattered all over the garage (not by me!) I now have my own massive bag of tools just for me. It’s in my wardrobe, he doesn’t even know it exists or it would be pillaged.

Pathetic I know that this is what it’s come to, but far less stressful for me and that’s all I’m bothered about!

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 04/09/2018 11:51

Those saying “well at least he’s replaced them” or “don’t they come in Xmas crackers” have obviously never used decent tools v cheap ones!

YANBU op. One of the reasons I won’t move in with DP is knowing that he’d behave like this himself and wouldn’t back me up if his DCs ‘borrowed’ my stuff. Just because he can afford to buy extra of everything, I can’t and don’t want to!

BlancheM · 04/09/2018 12:02

I have to agree with Kattyy.
I thought this was a bit of a lighthearted wind up when I posted last night but am shocked at all the furious responses. If I misplaced a tool or anything over a year ago and thought nothing of it, I wouldn't expect a thread full of women saying I'm a gaslighting lying thief who my Dh should go ballistic at!

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 04/09/2018 12:26

See Blanche I think this thread is indicative of how as women, we’re expected to excuse anything that bothers us if it doesn’t bother their partner, because it’s only a little thing.

How many of us have been asked to ‘calm down’ because we must be on our period? And if OP came on saying she’d lost some tools belonging to her husband and he wanted her to replace like for like when she’d bought some from the Pound shop I’m sure people would have different opinions.

It just smacks of disrespect. You can’t have anything nice or just mine without it being borrowed, broken, lent without permission, lost. And it’s upsetting. Even more upsetting when the person who loves you basically says because it doesn’t matter to them, they won’t replace it.

If DS is old enough I’d dock his pocket money until a new set is paid for, and tell DH he should be ashamed he is letting his son take the full blame when he was involved.

WeeMadArthur · 04/09/2018 12:26

I would be really pissed off as well, I think that you should buy them for either your DH or DS for their next birthday/Christmas and then use them yourself.

I’m buying them for DHs Christmas!

mrsm43s · 04/09/2018 12:28

I would be annoyed with DS and expect him to get the set back or replace it, like for like. I would expect DH to back me up.

I wouldn't be reacting anywhere near as strongly as you are, though. It would be an irritation, rather than a major issue.

timeisnotaline · 04/09/2018 12:50

People are getting wound up because it’s so disrespectful. Getting married to another adult shouldn’t mean we can’t have nice things. I have researched and chosen almost every single thing that makes our life easier or enjoyable. Dh uses and yes, loses and breaks them. He is on a permanent Tupperware ban (proper Tupperware) - he may not take it out of the house ever. And yes it’s just a plastic container but if I find another piece of Tupperware gone I do go ballistic. Next time he is going to have to find a Tupperware party and buy me £100s of pounds of Tupperware. I now make him rebuy the baby cutlery when the fork disappears after buying several extra sets myself.