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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Allowing 8 year old to see birth of her baby sibling?

292 replies

hibbledibble · 03/09/2018 09:07

I'm pregnant and my eldest DC has expressed that she would like to be there for the delivery.

All my previous deliveries have been straightforward, and I have coped well with the pain.

This time I'm planning a home birth, and the midwives are not opposed to her being there. They have said it is up to us.

This is definitely our last baby too, so her last chance to see a sibling being born.

I'm not sure if the idea is entirely crazy, or a wonderful thing to do.

Aibu to let her see the birth? As it is a home birth she can go to her room and read if she finds it too much.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 03/09/2018 09:10

Sorry but I think this is a bad idea.

I’m guessing your labours, whilst I’m uncomplic are not pain-free?

How well do you honestly think an 8 year old would cope seeing her mother like that?

melissa35 · 03/09/2018 09:10

Just no.

MountainPeakGeek · 03/09/2018 09:11

Holy fuck no...

Pebblesandfriends · 03/09/2018 09:12

I actually wouldn't have a problem Reith it if she wants to and there's a dedicated adult on hand to talk to her and take her out if if gets a bit too much.

Ilovewillow · 03/09/2018 09:12

I wouldn't have an issue with it! We had a Home water birth with our second as we had no readily available childcare and our 5 yr Old was there for her brothers birth. In reality she killed around the house entertaining us whilst I was in labour, my husband took her out for a walk and she was there for part of the birth and was the first person apart from me to hold her brother. We were adamant that if she was bothered at all then we would've taken her away from the situation and her feelings were a priority. I would be flexible, play it by ear and make sure you have alternative arrangements should you need them! Good luck!

TooTiredToBeCreative · 03/09/2018 09:12

My DC wanted to see my youngest being born, home birth too. I let them watch an episode of One Born Every Minute to gauge their reactions- they both decided not to see the birth! They stayed up stairs and came down moments after the birth.

Ilovewillow · 03/09/2018 09:12
  • milled not killed!
Original poster
hibbledibble · 03/09/2018 09:13

Genuinely, I find the pain manageable. I had no pain relief last labour other than a few minutes of gas and air at the end.

OP posts:
kalinkafoxtrot45 · 03/09/2018 09:13

I hope everything will go well for you, but what if it doesn’t? That would be very frightening for a child her age.

LIVIA999 · 03/09/2018 09:13

Yes. Absolutely just make sure she understands it all first and has someone there that can be in the room or outside if she needs to get out. What a wonderful bond they would have - a friend did this and her DD cut the cord.
Just don't see it's an issue if you are okay with it.

polkadotpixie · 03/09/2018 09:13

I think as long as someone is there to look after her if she decides it's too much and she doesn't want to be there after all then it's fine 😊

Lifespan · 03/09/2018 09:14

I think it would be very easily for her at best to feel overwhelmed. At worst feel traumatised for life.
Even a straight forward labour is painful. With lots of bodily fluids.
I wouldn’t.
Maybe she could be first in to meet her sibling?

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 03/09/2018 09:14

I would echo having someone on hand to take her, to their home if need be, if it does become scary.

Original poster
hibbledibble · 03/09/2018 09:15

tootired lol. How old are you ready dc? I may watch a few birth videos with her and guage her reaction.

OP posts:
WeeMadArthur · 03/09/2018 09:15

It might be worth showing her an few episodes of One born every minute to see if that upsets her or puts her off, before letting her seeing you in that situation. As you say, at least you are at home so it’s easier for her to leave if she doesn’t cope well.

Liquoricelake · 03/09/2018 09:15

Absolutely not. I'd have found it very traumatic at that age to see my Mother in pain and distress.

Mishappening · 03/09/2018 09:15

Do it - with lots of explanations beforehand to reassure her.

MarthasGinYard · 03/09/2018 09:15

No chance would I

But then I find birth videos pretty grim myself

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 03/09/2018 09:16

If she becomes distressed, going to her room and reading surely won’t be enough to calm and reassure her? She’d need a trusted adult to talk to her and explain. But both her parents will be (understandably!) too preoccupied to do that. So I don’t think it’s fair to her.

Even if you have the most straightforward birth ever, and the most predictable 8 year old ever, they could still be alarmed by a normal birth. Blood, a newborn screeching - or not screeching quick enough - tears. Or any kind of discussion of needing resuscitatation or a trip to the hospital. Any of that could really frighten a child and you wouldn’t be able to devote the attention she’d need.

LIVIA999 · 03/09/2018 09:16

Years ago children would always have been around when their mothers gave birth, until it was made into a medical issue.
My Dad is oldest of 15 and was there for all his siblings births. Not for mine though as I was born in U.K. And by then you had babies in hospital and he waited in a corridor with the other dads.

JellyBaby666 · 03/09/2018 09:17

When working as a midwife, I had some women whose older children wanted to be present and so they were. If you are happy and comfortable with it, and she is aware of what it will entail and you have a plan of what happens if it gets too much for her then it's not an issue IMO. Maybe watch some birth videos beforehand, and talk about what she may see/hear, and if she changes her mind she can leave then I genuinely don't see an issue. It's not for everyone, but its your birth, you can have whoever you want there!

LIVIA999 · 03/09/2018 09:18

Ps it might be worth pointing out that I wouldn't! Only cos I'm so squeamish and prudish that I barely let the midwife look ' down there '

stargirl1701 · 03/09/2018 09:19

I think it is a lovely idea. Just have a back up plan in case she struggles.

MountainPeakGeek · 03/09/2018 09:19

kalinkafoxtrot45 - exactly. Not all births are straightforward. And if it's not, it could potentially be terrifying for a child to witness.

kaytee87 · 03/09/2018 09:19

I absolutely wouldn't however that may be tainted by a 24 hour back to back labour ending in episiotomy and rotational forceps.

I remember I kept asking my DH to please help me over and over. It would have been quite traumatic for a child to watch.

Even a straight forward birth will be bloody etc

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