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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Allowing 8 year old to see birth of her baby sibling?

292 replies

hibbledibble · 03/09/2018 09:07

I'm pregnant and my eldest DC has expressed that she would like to be there for the delivery.

All my previous deliveries have been straightforward, and I have coped well with the pain.

This time I'm planning a home birth, and the midwives are not opposed to her being there. They have said it is up to us.

This is definitely our last baby too, so her last chance to see a sibling being born.

I'm not sure if the idea is entirely crazy, or a wonderful thing to do.

Aibu to let her see the birth? As it is a home birth she can go to her room and read if she finds it too much.

OP posts:
PetraRabbit · 03/09/2018 09:41

This is the point I'd make. She's not 3 or 4 years old where all you have to worry about is whether she's upset to see Mummy in pain. She's a little girl and will be aware that if SHE wants to be a mummy one day, she'll have to give birth too and do all of this. When I was 8 that's what would have been foremost in my mind and I would have had ongoing anxiety if it involved anything more than fluffy clouds and a stork.

Sunnyjac · 03/09/2018 09:43

Up to you, only you can know how she’ll cope with it

blessedday · 03/09/2018 09:44

Go for it. I was 8 when I saw one sibling come into the world and 11 for the next. Both were home births, my mum, like you, had had 3 previous uncomplicated births so decided to let me be a part of it. I remember being absolutely fascinated and standing down the 'business end' watching the babies appear.

My plans to have a similar natural home birth for mine didn't materialise though as I seem to have not inherited the same skills at giving birth as my mum - I had one ECS and one planned CS!

Gottagetmoving · 03/09/2018 09:44

It all depends on the mother and child. You are the best person to know if your child can cope with it.
The people who are saying no, definitely not, should not let their dc be present because they have an issue or fear that it's not right so it would not be a positive experience for the child.
If there are no problems expected and you feel confident, then yes, you should go for it. Your daughter may cope with it better than some adults. If at any point she wants to leave, then let her.

Screaminginsidemeagain · 03/09/2018 09:47

You know your child.
I’d let my oldest but my youngest is a different temperament and I don’t think it would be a good idea for her.

Some people can cope others can’t
My husband loved watchin the births, other men I know regret being there and some point blank refused.

You know what they can handle.
I would make sure someone was there just for them though, to support them, for questions, explanations and to take them out and reassure if they need it.

SylvesterTheCat · 03/09/2018 09:48

Even if she is taken out after a while because it's too much, surely her imagination would go wild and expect the worse.

I had a similar birth to you- just a bit of gas at the end- but I still moaned a lot and even told my DH at the time that it looked/sounded a lot worse than it was. That's just my experience.

I would say no, just to be on the safe side, in case it scarred for life.

5krunning · 03/09/2018 09:49

No you need to focus on yourself without moderating your behaviour for your young DD.
She says she wants to be there but at 8, she can't possibly understand what really goes on

AngelicDarkness · 03/09/2018 09:50

I was 9 nearly 10 when I watched my sister being born. I had expressed I wanted to be there and be with my Mum.

I don't regret it. I did get forgotten at the final push and was at the wrong end of the bed ( saw everything. Went a bit green) but it was all forgotten with very quickly.

It was the best form of birth control I ever received. It helped me understand exactly what happens and it isn't all sweetness and roses. It showed me the strength a female body has and can endure.....

And just how bloody painful it is!! XD

Gottagetmoving · 03/09/2018 09:52

She says she wants to be there but at 8, she can't possibly understand what really goes on

If OP has taught her DD what birth entails, then she will know what goes on. At eight I was fascinated by childbirth and was aware of what goes on!

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 03/09/2018 09:53

No

Eight year old want to do many things that are not age appropriate

Let her be the first to dress or wash her sibling so she feels part of the experience

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 03/09/2018 09:53

If at any point she wants to leave, then let her.

It is not really as simple as that though is it? Chances are by the time she has vocalised she wants to leave (providing she feels confident enough to speak up) she will have already seen things that have worried and negatively affected her. Then there's the problem of who does she leave with, she is 8 and cannot just go by herself and obviously both her parents are preoccupied. Plus even if she moved to another room she would likely still hear what was happening, unless the Op is the least vocal person ever when giving birth or her house is huge.

dentie · 03/09/2018 09:55

Absolutely not. It could be distressing for her. It will distract you. Something may go wrong.

Just because it happened years ago doesn't mean it's ok!

Notasunnybunny · 03/09/2018 09:56

I did this, loads of people on here told me me not to but I knew my child, they didn’t. He loved it, he cut the cord as dh is squeamish and wasn’t fussed. It was a lovely experience for us as a family.
Things didn’t go to plan, I had a home birth which became an emergency transfer (although the ‘emergency’ was minor) we went as a family, me in the ambulance with my mum, dh and ds followed. I was a screaming begging, hysterical mess during the worst bits, I had warned ds mummy would likely loose her mind with the pain so he didn’t find it distressing. He held my hand as I pushed, we talked between pushes, when dd’s head was crowning he was invited to see by the midwife and he delightedly told me he could see her, he stayed at ‘the business end’ for the remainder.
Prepare your daughter, explain things that might happen. I had explained that things can go wrong and how to behave if that did happen, so he took it in his stride, it helps to have extra people on hand, as I say I had my mum as well as dh.
We welcomed our new family member together, ds doesn’t now have a sanitised idea of childbirth, he says it is one of his best ‘once in lifetime’ memories.

It’s all about how you talk about birth, warts, piles, poo and all, your dd will take her lead from you. You know her best, don’t let others decide this for you.

Failingat40 · 03/09/2018 09:56

No. I don't think it's fair on the Midwives and medics if there's an added distraction in the room.

Unfortunately births can go seriously wrong very quickly and if this were to happen, having a hysterical 8 year old in the room would be horrendous.

TheWorld2 · 03/09/2018 09:58

I saw all 3 of my siblings being born. It was amazing. I was 4, 6 and 8 at the time. My DSD wants to be present for the birth of her brother but it's not my place to say yes to this - I don't think it would be appropriate as she's only 6 and I would imagine it would make her mum feel uncomfortable. If she was my DD I would have her there and ensure we had someone to grab her if something went wrong or I needed space.

Sparklesocks · 03/09/2018 09:58

I know you say you can handle the birth pain etc, but what if (god forbid) something went wrong? It might upset/panic her if she can detect the slight tension in the medical staff’s voices or everyone starts rushing around, and you wouldn’t really be in a position to comfort/reassure her!

Lovemusic33 · 03/09/2018 09:59

I’m not sure why people are saying ‘no’, she obviously knows how babies are born? She’s expressed that she would like to be there? It’s going to take place at home, she can leave the room when ever she likes or when asked too?

It’s sounds like you know your dd and wether she will be squeamish or not. I know my dd would not handle it as she hates blood but she wouldn’t ask to be there, if she did ask then I would let her.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 03/09/2018 09:59

If OP has taught her DD what birth entails, then she will know what goes on.

Can you really not see there is a difference between discussing what will happen and seeing it happen?

Even if you told an 8 year old in minute detail about labour and giving birth it would not compare to actually witnessing those things. Presumably the 8 year old has no experience to draw upon when visualising what she is being told. Hearing that there will be lots of blood and mummy will be shouting and moaning is completely different to seeing lots of blood and mummy shouting loudly in pain in person.

Nottotheirstandards · 03/09/2018 09:59

I had a home birth. Kids stayed down stairs with dh and they all came up after she was born for a few minutes. And mine was basically mess free. It was painful but I'm not a shouted luckily and had straightforward birth. However I would not let them see it. They were down stairs and if it got out of hand they would be able to leave the house and not notice

Nutkins24 · 03/09/2018 10:00

No no no. My dh was made to watch the home birth of his baby brother when he was 10. It was a straightforward birth and his mum had no pain relief. It was not a nice experience for him, he completely shut down at the birth of his own baby (coped worse than me). I think its safe to say that there was some lasting trauma from being made to watch something he couldn’t possibly understand at that age. It’s completely unnecessary. Your dd doesn’t have a clue what a birth actually entails, even a straightforward pleasant one.

5krunning · 03/09/2018 10:02

If OP has taught her DD what birth entails, then she will know what goes on. At eight I was fascinated by childbirth and was aware of what goes on!

But even if the OP tells her daughter there will be blood and screaming and such, it's still likely that she will be upset seeing that kind of thing happen to her mum. Having someone explain it to you (especially when you're young) doesn't always prepare you for the real thing- it doesn't even prepare a lot of partners! 😂 I just think most 8 year olds would be completely freaked out and unaware of what they let themselves in for. Even if they thought they understood it, it'll be an entirely different experience seeing it

Pissedoffdotcom · 03/09/2018 10:03

My 5 year old DD watched her brother's birth a few months ago. I had a home birth & because he came rather quickly early in the morning we didn't get chance to call my friend.
She didn't bat an eyelid & as soon as he was here she wanted a cuddle. She talks about it all the time, how cool it was to see. Her teachers now all know the ins & outs of my labour 😂

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 03/09/2018 10:03

Totally different Nutkins.

Thinkingallowed85 · 03/09/2018 10:04

I would have someone you trust be entirely watching and supportibher her- ready to take her out if it becomes too much and to explain anything that might need explaining.

I don’t think it’s a bad idea with safeguards. Remember though that what is ‘manageable’ for you might not look okay from the outside to an 8 year old. I think they need someone to be fully engaged with them.

Original poster
hibbledibble · 03/09/2018 10:04

My DD is fascinated by all bodily fluids and functions, including poo and blood, so I don't think that would bother her!

It's interesting how very marmite these responses are. It's a lot to think about.

OP posts:
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